Here is one: A lawyer saw a boy playing with dung next to a horse farm. The lawyer asked, "What are you doing there?" The boy replied, "Making people". The lawyer saw a small figure standing in the middle of the pile The lawyer asked "What is that?", "That's a banker," came the reply. "Can you make a lawyer?" the attorney asked. The boy shot back, "Nope, not enough dung".

Q:Why don’t lawyers go to the beach? A:Because the cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

Do I know any lawyer jokes? I collect lawyer jokes! Here are some of mine: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer? She has an extreme craving for baloney. What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight. How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? 54. Eight to argue, 1 to get a continuance, 1 to object, 1 to demur, 2 to research precedents, 1 to dictate a letter, 1 to stipulate, 5 to turn in their time cards, 1 to depose, 1 to write interrogatories, 2 to settle, 1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and 28 to bill for professional services. What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? The vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer Miles. Where do vampires learn to suck blood? Law school. Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman pinscher. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement? A: Not enough cement. Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort? A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors. Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. Q:What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish. Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months. A famous lawyer found himself at heaven's gates confronting St. Peter. He protested that it was all a mistake: he was only 49 and far too young to be dead. "That's odd," said St. Peter, "according to the hours you've billed you're 119 years old." Q: Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research? A: Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second, the researchers don't get as attached to them. One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings. A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road.Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

"A new client consults a famous lawyer. "How much you charge?", says the client. "Of course", the lawyer replies, "$200 to answer three questions!" "A bit expensive, isn't it?" "Yes indeed", says the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"" Source (where you can find some more): http://www.workjoke.com/projoke40.htm Here a lawyer cartoon: http://www.lawlaughs.com/images/cartoons/law06.gif

What do lawyers wear underneath their pants? Ans: Legal briefs

You have a gun with 2 bullets. You are locked in a room with a lawyer, a rattlesnake, and a pitbull. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer, twice.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad? A: Senator. Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement? A: Not enough cement Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer? A: Chelsea Clinton Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off. Q:What do a lawyer and sperm have in common? A:They both have a one in a million chance of being human. A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back. "Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?" "I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills." "Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

What's the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead skunk in the middle of the road? The skid marks in front of the skunk. =P

<abbreviated> Doc and lawyer at a party, patron approaches doc w/ a medical question, doc answers and later asks the lawyer jokingly if he should send a bill. Lawyer replies "Yes". Next day Doc gets a bill from the lawyer.

A man wanted a big, ferocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you." They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer, "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you." The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!" "I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

Three good friends were driving along on the highway one Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cut them off. In an attempt to miss the shiny big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly. They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, "Hey, what do you all want people to say at your funeral? I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'" The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'" Then the lawyer said, "I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? A: Your Honor Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad? A: Senator Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50 who has gone bad? A: Mr. President

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy.

Isn't that a redudant question? I thought all lawyers were jokes!

The madam opened the br.... door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's. "May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "no one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked the man replied, "South Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina." "I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance." The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being s…….wed by a lawyer

What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A start.

A blonde walks by 2 lawyers. One lawyer says to the other, "I'd f*ck her." The other lawyer says, "out of what"???

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you. First, I'll increase your income five-fold. Second, your partners will love you, your clients will respect you, will always pay - in cash - and in advance. Further, you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. And ALL that I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls all rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment then asked with a puzzled, bewildered look on his face, "So, what's the catch?"

Not a joke, just a satirical observation. What the rest of the world calls criminals, lawyers call customers.

Sitting on the Lazy Boy watching The Screaming Show (that political thingy on tv) my husbands a "mouth piece". and/or Lawyer. ;+

Two lawyers jump off the Empire State Building. One weighs 150 pounds. The other weights 175 pounds. Which lawyer will hit the ground first? Answer: Who cares?!? +5