My husband wants me to change. He doesn't like the way I look, the way I do the things. As I have been home maker since marriage. He doesn't even like the way I take care of house. He complaints more and appretiates less. How can I change myself?

Comments

• I agree

  • Report
  

  by Runaholism on May 11th, 2007

• m. 2nd dat

  • Report
  

  by Ruffy on May 15th, 2007

• Very good answer AntigoneRising. I was in a marriage like that, and I'm glad I am know longer.

  • Report
  

  by Singingismystyle on May 16th, 2007

• If his attitude is anything like yours, he will only get oral by paying a professional. Misogynism is not a turn-on. We all have our reasons for being upset, that doesn't mean that we have the right to force our views on others, or try to turn other people into what we want them to be. You sound like you have the same problem as her husband - lack of respect.

  • Report
  

  by AntigoneRising on May 28th, 2007

• I think you need to look up "projection", because you are reading a lot into this situation that is not stated. It is pure conjecture on your part. How do you know this woman isn't keeping in shape? She has never said so, only that he doesn't like how she looks. That could mean that he wants her to run around in a cat suit for all you know. She also doesn't say anything about not doing anything. In fact, she must be doing something, because he doesn't like the way she does it. It says NOTHING about a family. If you, or he, thinks he has the right to tell her to do anything, that is chauvanistic and misogynistic. He has no more right to order her to do anything than she has to order him to do anything. It is the inherent bias with which you view this question that is misogynistic.

  • Report
  

  by AntigoneRising on May 28th, 2007

• Hmmm...mine is conditional..."If you aren't seeing a willingness for him to do equal changes and give equal effort, kick him to the curb...." I'm reading it literally, that he criticizes and complains and wants her to change HERSELF. (Not asked respectfully, and not change her habits.) Reading it literally does not require that I read more into it than is there.

  • Report
  

  by AntigoneRising on May 28th, 2007

• Great answer, AR. Misogynists will make excuses for their behavior and backwards ways of thinking until the cows come home. Exactly as you stated - if he is willing to change certain things and do an equal amount of compromise, then it could be an ideal situation for both parties to grow. If he is simply stubbornly digging his heels in and pointing out all of her "flaws", without doing any self examination at all, then he is a jerk, and she's better off without him.

  • Report
  

  by PrettyPirate on May 29th, 2007

• @Anonymous: your statement "people always seem to pity the women on here but I am going to tell the truth" gives your whole world-view away: you're a righteous crusader, valiantly pushing back against the PC and feminist zealots; a lone truth-teller in a sea full of ignorance and lemmings. You are harshly judgmental, have rigid notions of how women should think and be, and consider that the wife is a form of property (or perhaps employee) who should look at marriage as a "deal" and evaluate it in terms of transaction value. What's missing in both your world-view and your approach to this conversation is any awareness of what it means to be connected to others at a level which makes a relationship something more than a transaction. This would be merely sad if you weren't trying to give advice.... add in the advice and it becomes offensive.

  • Report
  

  by Stableboy on May 29th, 2007

• So what comes through in the 'tone' of your postings is the image of a man who never really learned to be connected to others: fiercely independent and "rational", concerned primarily with justice and everyone pulling their own weight, but with no real clue about what relationships are about. This probably points to a breakdown in early childhood development, frankly: what psychologists call a form of "attachment disorder"... unable to bond with others in a way that allows a relationship to transcend transaction-level interaction. Transactions are what you do with vendors and contractors, not your loved ones. But you have to know what "loved ones" means before that statement can make any sense.

  • Report
  

  by Stableboy on May 29th, 2007

• I agree that recommending divorce is premature, but the answer here isn't doing that... it's suggesting compromise. I'm not really agreeing or disagreeing with the answer. But once again, you've thrown in the completely unnecessary "I just think that most people are pretty damn stupid", confirming your relationship with the rest of humanity and your status as self-involved and lacking in appreciation for others. I think if you ever had actually experienced real love, those words would sting quite sharply coming out of your mouth. But nobody can tell you anything, because your ears are sealed... you already know it all, there's no need for awareness anymore.

  • Report
  

  by Stableboy on May 29th, 2007

• Which is exactly what you've done with the original questioner... we all have to interpret based on what we see, and try to be aware of how much our own conditioning and preconceptions are affecting that perception -- this is what awareness is all about. Now, I'm sure there are many fine things about you that I don't know, and can't intuit from the available information... but based on what you're actually saying so far in this conversation, it seems clear that my initial intuition was correct. You've extinguished your anxiety about being connected to the rest of humanity by building a wall of illusory self-confidence: you got us figgered out, we're all dummies. Therefore, no need to listen, no need to withhold judgement, no need to reach out. Life is so much safer within that sealed little shell, except for that sneaking suspicion that it's passing by without being truly lived, all would be peachy.

  • Report
  

  by Stableboy on May 29th, 2007

• Wow! See how cool it is to have a real username? Now people can connect the dots on your postings!

  • Report
  

  by Stableboy on May 29th, 2007

• Another one of those conversations in which you look like you are talking to yourself... I assume Anonymous was removed.

  • Report
  

  by AntigoneRising on May 30th, 2007

• Yeah, apparently his darker side won the battle for psyche control :)

  • Report
  

  by Stableboy on May 30th, 2007

• Antigone Rising you can put me down all you want, but you have a not a clue what I went through. I don't think I have ever showed any disrespect toward you or anybody else on AB. I just thought that your answer was a good one to this question, and no I just did not get divorced for those reasons; their was alot more to my decision. I loved my husband alot, and did everything I could to make things right.

  • Report
  

  by Singingismystyle on May 31st, 2007

• Gospelgirl: you're misunderstanding the comment thread. Antigone isn't talking to you, she's talking to "I don't like you", who's comments were offensive and have been removed from the thread. This left a whole bunch of "gaps" in the thread, it won't make any sense anymore.

  • Report
  

  by Stableboy on May 31st, 2007

• GospelGirl: The poster formerly known as Stableboy is correct. There was a person who came out here saying some pretty ugly things. It is to this person that my comments are directed, not at you. I think you and I have both been through the same thing. Trust me, I'd never disparage you for it.

  • Report
  

  by AntigoneRising on May 31st, 2007

• it takes hard work, compromise and sacrifice to have a healthy relationship. from what you described, your relationship doesn't sound abusive (i'm not sure why some of the comments are aimed in that direction). the reason your stuck in a rut is because your not being proactive. you need to make a decision and listen to him and work on the problems or decide that your relationship isn't working.
  
  i had a similar problem with my wife. after she got her BA she put herself in a rut...
  couldn't find a job(wasnt looking hard enough)
  didn't help around the house(was too busy watching tv shows or wasn't home)
  went out drinking with her girls(beer leaves a gut and made her breath stink... who wants to kiss a drunk that smells like cigarettes)
  
  after about a year of complaining (where i actually thought i might need a divorce) i laid it on her, i told her its ether me or your rut
  now she works out, got an awesome job, is back in school for her PhD, we share house shores, our sex is much better,

  • Report
  

  by Hello on June 18th, 2008

• Who in the world are you talking to? The person who asked this question is not on this thread, and you have no idea what happened in this situation. All my answer says is that he should be equally willing to change and compromise, and if he isn't, it is abusive. I had similar problems with my ex-husband, and I've coached many a marriage where the man wanted to "fix" his wife into exactly what he wanted regardless of who she was or how she felt about it. I've coached many a marriage where women try to do this to their husband. I might also add that if her husband doesn't like the way she takes care of the house, he can certainly pitch in.

  • Report
  

  by AntigoneRising on June 18th, 2008

• Yeah! I know of a woman who experienced this in her marriage. Her husband began to criticize everything she did and didn't do, what she was and what she wasn't. Nothing was good enough. She got yelled at for nothing. This was abusive. It turns out, he was trying to get her to divorce him as was already going outside the marriage a lot.

  • Report
  

  by Cinamon on February 21st, 2009

Comments

• I agree.

  • Report
  

  by Stableboy on May 11th, 2007

• I second it

  • Report
  

  by Runaholism on May 11th, 2007

• I concur

  • Report
  

  by prettybird on September 18th, 2007

• gosh, i hope things have gotten better for this marriage.
  thanks guy! i am certaintly turning into a superlative bagger if i might say so myself!

  • Report
  

  by haggis on September 18th, 2007

Comments

• That is so true

  • Report
  

  by Runaholism on May 11th, 2007

Comments

• I did change myself, over and over and over again til i just couldn't do it anymore. I did finally leave, after 13 years of marriage, i did get a new model and upgraded. I'm happier now than i've ever been.
  I'm done changing myself for other ppl. I HAVE changed alot since i left him, but i did it to better MYSELF.
  You never change who you are for someone else, they won't do it for you.
  Yeah you might need a change, and leaving him will definately wake him up to the reality that you are not always going to be around for him to push around.
  If you aren't doing enough around the house for him, then he needs to be encouraging you, not berating. He needs to be concerned as to WHY you aren't doing things to take better care of him.
  I cleaned my house for 4hours one day. When my hubby got home he took one look around and picked out something that i DIDN'T do to nag me about, rather than saying "wow baby, nice job".
  I went OFF on him. and i didn't do it again.

  • Report
  

  by bludlettingudie on December 4th, 2009

• When i left him, he went nuts trying to figure out how to get me to stay. By that time i had already found the man i'm with now and it was to late. There was nothing he could do.
  He kept say "I'll change, we'll go to couseling" and i kept answering "i don't want you to change for me, change for yourself, that's what i'm doing"
  I loved that man with everything i had, would have done anything for him, but i felt like crap about myself, let myself go and he wasn't a bit concerned about it until i left. He would have never been the man i needed him to be, even if he did change for me, he would have went right back to being his old controlling self again after he was sure that I was right where he wanted me.
  Don't be fooled by the promises, you'll find out later that they are empty.

  • Report
  

  by bludlettingudie on December 4th, 2009

Comments

Comments

Comments

• You are totally right.

  • Report
  

  by Runaholism on May 11th, 2007

Comments

Comments

• lol. woman? LOL!! I'll give you pts for humor.

  • Report
  

  by Runaholism on May 11th, 2007

• Why is that humorous? You can be in love with anyone of any gender.

  • Report
  

  by Althea Randolf on May 23rd, 2007

Comments

Comments

• good point and welcome to AB btw.

  • Report
  

  by asweetguy4u2know saya R.I.P Nelson on January 13th, 2008

Comments

• I agree.

  • Report
  

  by P. W. Pasobrio loves Marines on May 28th, 2007

• absolutely!!!

  • Report
  

  by LLEVONIA2006 on July 1st, 2007

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

• i agree :)

  • Report
  

  by Anonymous on October 26th, 2008

Comments

Comments

• Not a bitch at all. You're right on the money.

  • Report
  

  by Big Purple Blob in a rainCOAT on September 28th, 2007

• thanx i agree with you but people deserve a warning

  • Report
  

  by kat tarrin-AYPWIP on October 3rd, 2007

• it sounds like hes the one who needs to change! be confident in who you are and tell him to put up or shut up...

  • Report
  

  by AnnieB on December 21st, 2009

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

• I AGREE!

  • Report
  

  by Just Me on August 5th, 2007

Comments

Comments

• I DO AGREE

  • Report
  

  by Just Me on August 5th, 2007

• Smmmmashing!!!

  • Report
  

  by Gonzo on August 5th, 2007

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

• Yeah, you could use a spare wife to help out with the farm, right? Offer to take in this used and abused wife.

  • Report
  

  by Sheriff Raff -Answerhag on September 15th, 2007

• LOL !! I'll pass on that deal. One wife is enough for me .

  • Report
  

  by Anonymous on September 15th, 2007

• Besides.. Ranch hands are MUCH cheaper ;-)

  • Report
  

  by Anonymous on September 15th, 2007

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

• My husband wants me to change because he feels he can't be himself around me. He belittles me and criticizes me on a regular basis. I'm always yelled at and am never emotionally supported. I don't know what to do and have tried to compromise with him. We've been married two years and two days. We can't last a week without arguing. He's threatened divorce today twice and tells me that I'm the one that wants to leave, it's a head game and I can't stand it. Please should I just leave?

  • Report
  

  by Laticia on October 24th, 2010