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by AntigoneRising on May 11th, 2007
Why would you want to change yourself? I can see compromising and making adjustments, but you are who you are. What is he willing to do to change himself? If you aren't seeing a willingness for him to do equal changes and give equal effort, kick him to the curb. Sorry, but this is mental and emotional abuse. It is controlling behavior.
by haggis on May 11th, 2007
your husband doesn't sound happy in general and sounds like he is taking out on you. thats dangerous, please stand up for yourself and demand the respect you deserve especially after all those years of marriage! don't change ask him to go to marriage counseling. sounds like you could both use some and best of luck.
by Shelby on May 11th, 2007
You should not have to change for anyone. It seems that your husband is the one who needs to change.
by smart9426 on May 11th, 2007
Change him, as in ditch him and get a new model
by jae3214 on May 11th, 2007
If you're in an abusive relationship, then the obvious answer is to GET OUT!
Otherwise, you don't have to change for anyone! Don't take any crap from him.
by Pogster on May 21st, 2007
You don't need to remain in an abusive situation like this.
Divorce him.
by Anonymous on May 11th, 2007
He sounds like a bugger, sorry to be so blunt.
He should be loving you for who you are and the love and care you take of him and your home.
You should not have to change for him, or for anyone unless you are unhappy with yourself.
He is the one who needs to change and see how his behaviour is upsetting you.
Sometimes you can make yourself feel better about yourself if you make a few changes, but this should be prompted by you and not by him.
by Anonymous on May 11th, 2007
Lets analyze your situation. first, how long have you been married? is this both of yours first marriage? why all of a sudden, does your husband want your looks to be changed?
My wife and i have been married for 41 years. my wife is 60, 5 ft. 3 in. and weighs 126 lbs. she looks great. she takes care of herself. did i ask her to do this, no. she did it for herself and to make me proud of her and i am, very.
If you are overweight, for good health, go on some kind of diet. do this for yourself. what wrong with your house? is it clean and orderly? does he do his part?
Your husband married you for you. he knew, in the beginning and apparently love it, the way you did things and kept the house presentable. why the sudden change? there has to be a reason.
If my wife suddenly asked me to change my personality, my general demeanor and so on, i would question her sudden requests. is he or she comparing me to someone else?
You are you and any changes you make for yourself, should be accomplished for you. if you feel your husband is correct in some of his requests, then make the changes for both of you, not just him.
You are who you are.
by Althea Randolf on May 11th, 2007
Leave him and find a man or woman who loves you no matter what you do.
by Gracin the Strange on May 11th, 2007
Ask him if he would be happy if you just went ahead and changed everything and had a sex change operation. If he is really this unhappy the only thing you should change is your marital status. There is someone out there who would love you and appriciate you just the way you are and that is what you deserve.
by curious on January 12th, 2008
your husband should accept you for who you are and never expect you to change. Maybe he's the one that needs to do some changing.
by Midnighttoker on May 11th, 2007
the best way for you to change is to get a new husband.
by still loves cheerios on July 14th, 2007
The best way to change yourself would be to get a new man.
by Empress of Everything Ever on July 13th, 2007
My dear the only thing you have to change is your husband! Get rid of the unappreciative mean natured bastard.
You marry/stay in a relationship with someone for who they are not who you can change them into.
Walk away from him and if you want to change yourself then so be it but for YOUR reasons and desires not for anyone else's ever.
Get rid of that sorry piece of humanity and find yourself a good one who appreciates YOU for yourself.
by PillowPants on June 20th, 2007
The only thing you need to change is your husband!
by Cyprus on May 28th, 2007
He should love you the way you are, there is meeting each other halfway but the way it sounds to me is that he is taking things out on you, why should you put up with that? Don't change yourself for him, if you feel like you need a change do it for yourself.
by Jade on May 21st, 2007
You should not have to change yourself. If my husband did not like the way I did things, I would tell him to do it himself. I will make adjustments if something really bugs him...but I expect him to make some as well. It's called compromise. A person should not have to change everything about themselves on the whim of their partner and it sounds like he's the one who needs to make a few adjustments.
by Sheriff Raff -Answerhag on May 11th, 2007
Is he Mr. Wonderful and perfect in every way? If not, just ignore his ridiculous request and be yourself. If can't deal with you, he will leave you and you might be better off.
by MTank411 on May 11th, 2007
You shouldn't change yourself if he married you the way you are then you shouldn't have to change. I say maybe its time for a divorce so you can find someone who values you for who you are.
by Stealth Intelligence on October 1st, 2008
You start by changing the way you allow him to disrespect you. If he was it all interested in how you felt or cared, he would ask you. Making you feel bad about yourself is not love. Its selfish and controlling. If you want to change thats fine, but do it for yourself.
by wannabenewman-confused on February 27th, 2008
This is crazy!!! He does NOT love you, if he did he wouldnt want to make you different- he loves what he wants you to be! You need to tell him to find the "perfect" home-maker he's looking for and get rid of him!
by kat tarrin-AYPWIP on September 27th, 2007
okay im going to be a bitch so youve been warned.
why change? you are who you are and why would you want to be just like some one else when you can be your own person.
just a quote that i live by
"you were born an origainal
why die a copy?"
by one more and then Im going home on September 27th, 2007
please please please do not change yourself for this overbearing, domineering control freak of a 'man'. he is the insecure one and he is taking these out on you, you shouldnt stand for this as he is stripping you of your confidence and selfworth, he either accepts you as you are or you tell him to sod right off.
by Nathan Explosion on September 27th, 2007
You don't need to change! He needs to accept you as you are or it's hit the road, jack!
by Anonymous on September 18th, 2007
Tell him if he does not like you - see if he can find better, let him do the 'homemaking' - ie the cooking washing and cleaning for a month - while you spend more than is reasonable at Starbucks enjoying yourself and gaining appreciative looks from teh Gentlemen.
THAT is how I feel about this situation! This oaf is lucky he is not MY Brother-in-law!!!
by prettybird on September 18th, 2007
You are a beautiful person just as you are you are the same person he married don't let him do you like that I know it is hard but you can stop him let him know how you feel and how he makes you feel you have to hold your head up high don't let him wear you down be proud of you he can only hurt you if you let him stay strong I hope nothing but the best for you.
by Jyna Jenkins on August 5th, 2007
You should change for someone. Really. because if they dont like you for who you are, you really dont need them. Dont change for anyone but yourself. He doesnt deserve you if he thinks you should change.
by I love my baby on July 14th, 2007
I agree with misshel, ask him to go to counseling.
If he doesn't agree you have two choices, Stay and be mentally abused or break the chain. don't take ANY excuses for him not wanting to go.
by Gonzo on July 14th, 2007
Possums, there's one thing you need to change and thats your husband!
by Randy on July 13th, 2007
My wife and I have been married for over 25 years. One thing I learned long time ago is that if we try and incorporate each others differences into our own lives the more we become one.
For one spouse to attempt to change the other into some sort of ideal is to court disaster that can only lead to unhappiness for both.
Time to rethink whether or not you need to stay with him. The prospect may be terrifying but has to be faced. Look to your family for support.
by Mr. Josh on June 20th, 2007
by getting a divorce:P
by kellygorski on June 20th, 2007
How can you change yourSELF? Try changing your husband!
Seriously, don't let him get to dictate how you feel about YOU. He's obviously got issues. Let his issues stay HIS. Don't be codependent.
by Eltinwe has a life Swan - DYOH on May 28th, 2007
If he doesn't like you, why did he marry you? Try to remind him of THOSE things he likes.
My husband wishes I kept the house cleaner, but then, I wish he kept the grass shorter. It's a give and take thing. And it's a compromise. I try to pick up the floor (kid toys) before he gets home from work, and if he gets annoyed, he just cleans things himself.
Sit down with him, and talk about it. If you can't, get him to go to a councilor with you and talk about it. If you're unhappy, it'll make him unhappy, and him being unhappy is clearly making you unhappy. Starting little will start the cycle the other way.
by P. W. Pasobrio loves Marines on May 28th, 2007
You should not have to change yourself for some jerk. What you are describing is a man who is about to be come an abuser or a cheater and you need to get out now before he hurts you.
by Anonymous on May 21st, 2007
He sounds like a real horse's ass. You don't have to take that kind of crap. Tell him to go take a long walk down a short pier.
by kitty loves you on May 21st, 2007
Why should you change unless you think you need to? Why not sit down with your husband and point out all of his faults and things you dont like and tell him you could maybe come to as compromise and decide on each others worse fault and promise to work on that.
by Brittney on May 11th, 2007
You don't need to change! He should love you just the way you are and accept it! After all, he married you "for better or worse, till death do you part"... I think that statement applies to all situations in a marriage! If he doesn't like it, TOUGH!!! He's stuck with you!
by Babycakes on May 11th, 2007
I have a feeling that no matter what you do he will find fault..so before you lose your self esteem totally get the hell out of there. Your worth it right?I'll go ahead and answer that..you ARE worth it.
by DreAnna on May 11th, 2007
If you attempt to change for someone else..you are doomed to failure.. ;)
by SusieQ on May 11th, 2007
Never ever change yourself, especially for that rotten sounding man you call your husband. You are who you are. If he doesn't like it then maybe you should be thinking about leaving him for someone who appreciates you for who you are.
by SG QOTABD RIP SHELLA DARLING on May 11th, 2007
sounds to me like you need to change husbands, and id would make that clear to him, he is a ahole and that is all there is to it . leave the jerk .
by spirithunter on February 17th, 2009
He sounds un-grateful. Change things around, tell him to clean up the house, cook, wash clothes, dishes, vacuum house, dust, clean bathrooms...Then he will find out how hard of a job it is to up keep a home. Either he is just being mean, or maybe he needs to start reading a book by Joel Osteen "Become A Better You". Remember, you only deserve respect and Love from your man, and if he truely loves you, he will treat you like an Angel - that you are!
by Banned from Yahoo on February 17th, 2009
You can do yourself some good to leave!
.
I bet you are a wonderful loving and caring woman!
.
Do not change cause of him!
by handyman11 on February 10th, 2009
I dont think you need to change at all, unless you both agree but it sounds to me like he is becoming tired of you, and before it gets any worse, or before he gets even more demanding, CHANGE YOUR ZIP CODE, I agree you need to move on to someone who appriciates you for who you are.
by Independent Thinker on December 24th, 2008
Sounds like you should get a new husband... a man who will appreciate you for who you are, what you look like, and the work that you do. Why did he marry you in the first place if he didn't love the package? I can't imagine that you have completely changed physically and emotionally as a person since the day he proposed. You should never, EVER want to change anything about yourself unless you are doing it for YOU, because YOU want to. It sounds like you are not only married to someone who continually breaks you down emotionally by putting you down, but to a man who is impossible to please. You're not a servant. Contact a divorce lawyer, NOW, before it gets any worse. Do you have an education or relevant work experience that you can fall back on if you do not have this guy to support you? Your self-respect is really important here, and the most important aspect of this situation that you must consider. From reading your post, it doesn't sound like you have much respect for yourself. Try putting yourself FIRST, not him. I think you'll find you will be much happier and live a much more fulfilling life this way. Think about what YOU want for yourself. Then think about what you've actually been doing. I think you'll find that you haven't considered yourself in this situation, and that you generally only consider what might make your husband happy. Maybe you can ask Santa for a man who doesn't suck the life out of you this Christmas.
by Anonymous on December 4th, 2008
You can start by shedding the excess baggage he's become. Hmmmm. I wonder if he'll appreciate everything you've done when he's doing it for himself....
by Austin_Sankey on December 4th, 2008
do cocaine and shoot him with a forty four
by Bigessfour wears a Army COAT on November 3rd, 2008
I will tell you how to change, why don't you start with changing husbands. Sounds like he needs to have his ass kicked and a total attitude re-allignment.
by Anonymous on October 1st, 2008
You're not the one who needs to change, Anonymous. Your husband doesn't appreciate you and what you do for him. He's the one with the need to change or he risks losing the very person who makes him comfortable. He's an idiot.
by Joanna Joy on October 1st, 2008
he wants CHANGE..
he is BORED with you.
do something out of the ordinary.
MEN get BORED easily it's the truth.
How do i make a man feel important?
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You're reading My husband wants me to change. He doesn't like the way I look, the way I do the things. As I have been home maker since marriage. He doesn't even like the way I take care of house. He complaints more and appretiates less. How can I change myself?
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Comments
I agree
by Runaholism on May 11th, 2007
m. 2nd dat
by Ruffy on May 15th, 2007
Very good answer AntigoneRising. I was in a marriage like that, and I'm glad I am know longer.
by Singingismystyle on May 16th, 2007
If his attitude is anything like yours, he will only get oral by paying a professional. Misogynism is not a turn-on. We all have our reasons for being upset, that doesn't mean that we have the right to force our views on others, or try to turn other people into what we want them to be. You sound like you have the same problem as her husband - lack of respect.
by AntigoneRising on May 28th, 2007
I think you need to look up "projection", because you are reading a lot into this situation that is not stated. It is pure conjecture on your part. How do you know this woman isn't keeping in shape? She has never said so, only that he doesn't like how she looks. That could mean that he wants her to run around in a cat suit for all you know. She also doesn't say anything about not doing anything. In fact, she must be doing something, because he doesn't like the way she does it. It says NOTHING about a family. If you, or he, thinks he has the right to tell her to do anything, that is chauvanistic and misogynistic. He has no more right to order her to do anything than she has to order him to do anything. It is the inherent bias with which you view this question that is misogynistic.
by AntigoneRising on May 28th, 2007
Hmmm...mine is conditional..."If you aren't seeing a willingness for him to do equal changes and give equal effort, kick him to the curb...." I'm reading it literally, that he criticizes and complains and wants her to change HERSELF. (Not asked respectfully, and not change her habits.) Reading it literally does not require that I read more into it than is there.
by AntigoneRising on May 28th, 2007
Great answer, AR. Misogynists will make excuses for their behavior and backwards ways of thinking until the cows come home. Exactly as you stated - if he is willing to change certain things and do an equal amount of compromise, then it could be an ideal situation for both parties to grow. If he is simply stubbornly digging his heels in and pointing out all of her "flaws", without doing any self examination at all, then he is a jerk, and she's better off without him.
by PrettyPirate on May 29th, 2007
@Anonymous: your statement "people always seem to pity the women on here but I am going to tell the truth" gives your whole world-view away: you're a righteous crusader, valiantly pushing back against the PC and feminist zealots; a lone truth-teller in a sea full of ignorance and lemmings. You are harshly judgmental, have rigid notions of how women should think and be, and consider that the wife is a form of property (or perhaps employee) who should look at marriage as a "deal" and evaluate it in terms of transaction value. What's missing in both your world-view and your approach to this conversation is any awareness of what it means to be connected to others at a level which makes a relationship something more than a transaction. This would be merely sad if you weren't trying to give advice.... add in the advice and it becomes offensive.
by Stableboy on May 29th, 2007
So what comes through in the 'tone' of your postings is the image of a man who never really learned to be connected to others: fiercely independent and "rational", concerned primarily with justice and everyone pulling their own weight, but with no real clue about what relationships are about. This probably points to a breakdown in early childhood development, frankly: what psychologists call a form of "attachment disorder"... unable to bond with others in a way that allows a relationship to transcend transaction-level interaction. Transactions are what you do with vendors and contractors, not your loved ones. But you have to know what "loved ones" means before that statement can make any sense.
by Stableboy on May 29th, 2007
I agree that recommending divorce is premature, but the answer here isn't doing that... it's suggesting compromise. I'm not really agreeing or disagreeing with the answer. But once again, you've thrown in the completely unnecessary "I just think that most people are pretty damn stupid", confirming your relationship with the rest of humanity and your status as self-involved and lacking in appreciation for others. I think if you ever had actually experienced real love, those words would sting quite sharply coming out of your mouth. But nobody can tell you anything, because your ears are sealed... you already know it all, there's no need for awareness anymore.
by Stableboy on May 29th, 2007
Which is exactly what you've done with the original questioner... we all have to interpret based on what we see, and try to be aware of how much our own conditioning and preconceptions are affecting that perception -- this is what awareness is all about. Now, I'm sure there are many fine things about you that I don't know, and can't intuit from the available information... but based on what you're actually saying so far in this conversation, it seems clear that my initial intuition was correct. You've extinguished your anxiety about being connected to the rest of humanity by building a wall of illusory self-confidence: you got us figgered out, we're all dummies. Therefore, no need to listen, no need to withhold judgement, no need to reach out. Life is so much safer within that sealed little shell, except for that sneaking suspicion that it's passing by without being truly lived, all would be peachy.
by Stableboy on May 29th, 2007
Wow! See how cool it is to have a real username? Now people can connect the dots on your postings!
by Stableboy on May 29th, 2007
Another one of those conversations in which you look like you are talking to yourself... I assume Anonymous was removed.
by AntigoneRising on May 30th, 2007
Yeah, apparently his darker side won the battle for psyche control :)
by Stableboy on May 30th, 2007
Antigone Rising you can put me down all you want, but you have a not a clue what I went through. I don't think I have ever showed any disrespect toward you or anybody else on AB. I just thought that your answer was a good one to this question, and no I just did not get divorced for those reasons; their was alot more to my decision. I loved my husband alot, and did everything I could to make things right.
by Singingismystyle on May 31st, 2007
Gospelgirl: you're misunderstanding the comment thread. Antigone isn't talking to you, she's talking to "I don't like you", who's comments were offensive and have been removed from the thread. This left a whole bunch of "gaps" in the thread, it won't make any sense anymore.
by Stableboy on May 31st, 2007
GospelGirl: The poster formerly known as Stableboy is correct. There was a person who came out here saying some pretty ugly things. It is to this person that my comments are directed, not at you. I think you and I have both been through the same thing. Trust me, I'd never disparage you for it.
by AntigoneRising on May 31st, 2007
it takes hard work, compromise and sacrifice to have a healthy relationship. from what you described, your relationship doesn't sound abusive (i'm not sure why some of the comments are aimed in that direction). the reason your stuck in a rut is because your not being proactive. you need to make a decision and listen to him and work on the problems or decide that your relationship isn't working.
i had a similar problem with my wife. after she got her BA she put herself in a rut...
couldn't find a job(wasnt looking hard enough)
didn't help around the house(was too busy watching tv shows or wasn't home)
went out drinking with her girls(beer leaves a gut and made her breath stink... who wants to kiss a drunk that smells like cigarettes)
after about a year of complaining (where i actually thought i might need a divorce) i laid it on her, i told her its ether me or your rut
now she works out, got an awesome job, is back in school for her PhD, we share house shores, our sex is much better,
by Hello on June 18th, 2008
Who in the world are you talking to? The person who asked this question is not on this thread, and you have no idea what happened in this situation. All my answer says is that he should be equally willing to change and compromise, and if he isn't, it is abusive. I had similar problems with my ex-husband, and I've coached many a marriage where the man wanted to "fix" his wife into exactly what he wanted regardless of who she was or how she felt about it. I've coached many a marriage where women try to do this to their husband. I might also add that if her husband doesn't like the way she takes care of the house, he can certainly pitch in.
by AntigoneRising on June 18th, 2008
Yeah! I know of a woman who experienced this in her marriage. Her husband began to criticize everything she did and didn't do, what she was and what she wasn't. Nothing was good enough. She got yelled at for nothing. This was abusive. It turns out, he was trying to get her to divorce him as was already going outside the marriage a lot.
by Cinamon on February 21st, 2009