What would you least like to hear an airline captain say on board a flight?
by 
keithold thanks all baggers
ANSWERS: 36
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We forgot to fill up the plane....
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Jus' shit bag an relacks everbody. We're gonna ride this hog right down to Atlanda. Wait. Dallas. Hey, Chet, wake up! Where we goin'?
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oops
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"I apologize, ladies and gentlemen, but our flight has had an unscheduled diversion to Afganistan."
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That one of the engines is not working. +5
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Is there a pilot on board?
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"My wife just left me for my brother and I drank way too much cough syrup this morning." ;-)
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Ladies and Gentlemen: We will be returning to the Airport straight away. Please stay tuned for the reason.
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"Hey look! A flock of sea---Oh SHIT!!"
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Ladies and gentleman pay no attention to the oxygen mask that have just deployed, Go ahead and stick your heads between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye.
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oh darn - not again.....
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Hey pour me another drink before we take this crate up in the air! Last time we barely landed safely and I need a stiff one to calm my nerves!!!
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Something in Arabic (on an American flight).
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HOUSTON - WE HAVE A PROBLEM......
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does anyone have the flight manuel for this new model.
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There are SO MANY BUTTONS! Wonder what will happen if I push this one? Where is the gas pedal on this thing? +5
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I'm jumpin' out!
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"This isn't like that flight simulator thingy at all!"
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Oh $@&#
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Please remain in your chair and put your seat belt on. That was my flight home from California. All Five hours.
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Where the He** are supposed to go again? How do I find that??
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"I'm so trashed right now...."
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"And we are now beginning our descent into the Pacific ocean."
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These people think I'm an airline captain. Lolz
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'Uh, folks, seeing as we're all going to die in a few moments, I'd like to apologize to SalientAlien for screwing his wife last night. If I had known this would happen, I probably wouldn't have done it. Sorry.'
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"Ladies and Gentlemen, may i have your attention please. This is your Captain speakeing. the co-pilot and i have a serious case of diaherra. we cannot leave the cocpit for fear of body gas contamination to you inside the plane. we both are dizzy and the airplane is on automatic pilot. we both feel as though we could have projectile vomiting at any moment. this could short out all the electronic components in the aircraft. our fuel supply is nearing empty and the nearest airport is 650 miles away. our body temperature is rising and our clothes are soaked with sweat. we are trying to hold our composure. sorry to say this, but birds have just deficated on the windshied and the washer fluid has leaked out. basically, we are in trouble. i am about to drop the oxygen masks, so the smell will not overcome you. feel free to use the barf bags in front of you. we may make it and we may not. i feel as though worms are eating inside my body. is there a doctor onboard? if so, would you assist those that wish to commit suicide"?
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"Ladies and gentlemen... We're going to have to land at an alternate airport. This is only a safety precaution. Please return to your seats, and put your seatbelts on." *Amid the sounds of damn-near every alarm you MIGHT hear in an airplane cockpit, and the co-pilot in the background shouting "Mayday Mayday"*
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Attention all passengers. This is your Captain speaking. We have lost all instruments and radio contact. We will be making a water landing in the mid-Atlantic. Try to remain calm. Please take your seats, secure your seatbelts, and return your trays to the upright position... +5 keithold!
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F*** !!! was that the engine that just ..........
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BRACE FOR IMPACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Empty?!?! What do you mean empty? I thought you were the one supposed to fill up! Hold on, is this microphone on?
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"Ladies and Gentlemen: Would anyone like to congratulate me on my first real flight in a real airplane? If this flight is successful, I get my pilot's wings."
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2nd Answer. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking. the co-captain and i have have just discovered that we are allergic to plastic dust. this is a new airplane and we have been sneezing our heads off. we both have taken Benadryl. our sneezing is better, but the Benadryl has made us drowsy. for your safety, the plane is now on cruise control. a rookie flight attendant is in control of the airplane. we are sorry for the inconvenience. goodnite".
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Giggity giggity goo!
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PUT YOUR HEADS BETWEEN YOUR LEGS.
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Oooh.... look at all the blinking and flashing lights!
-NUNYA-- 
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