My husband is physically and emotionally abusive to me. We have kids and they do not want me to leave him. He does the abuse in front of them sometimes. Is leaving him wrong or right. Iwant what is best for my children but i do not like the abuse.

Kids are too young to understand the full scope of adult problems, and they shouldn't be made to deal with them. You know you need to get out of this, and that staying with this man is NOT what's best for the children. What's best for the children is to have their mother ALIVE, which may not be the case very soon if you don't get out of this relationship RIGHT NOW. You may have to deal with some anger or resentment from the kids at first, but they will soon come to realize that life is much much happier without ol' ironhand smacking Mom around all the time. You MUST, for your sake and the sake of your children, get away from that man! Remaining in an abusive relationship is not only dangerous, it's unhealthy for the kids to witness. Do you want your kids growing up thinking it's okay to physically hurt other people when they're angry? If you have a son, do you want him to grow up to be a wifebeater like Daddy? That's what will happen if you don't break the cycle. Show your kids that you care enough about yourself and them to make a better life for all of you, away from this violence and misery.

In my opinion, abuse is never okay and just because you have children that is not usually a good enough reason to stay. There are some things you shoudl always remember:
You are the mother of your children. If something went terribly wrong, what would they do withouth their mother? Or their father?
Children watch and listen even when you don't think they do. They learn that it is okay to hit/be hit, because they saw their parents do it, and their mother put up with it. They also often learn that their mother is someone they themselves can hit and abuse.
What if the husband decides to hit the children as well?
I know that divorce is a very, very hard thing to do, especially if you particularly religious as many religions do not believe in divorce, but sanity and health are very important. Also, you are the parent, and if you decide that divorce is what is necessary, then so be it. It is not the child's responsibility to decide what happens in your relationship.
Please, dont be another statistic. Get help before something happens. If it isn't really bad, stop it before it does.
I commend you for the guts it takes to be a mother, and to do the right things to keep your children safe. It is never an easy job.

Okay...i'm not sure exactly where to begin. Someones got to say it to you bluntly, if you stay in this "reltaionship" then you mess up your children's life as well as your own. Everyone can tell you, which i'm sure you have heard, "oh get out now, before its too late". And do get out...by all means RUN! You are the only person who can look out for you, and only you can safe yourself. Yes you're a mother, but you are also a person. Adults are just teenagers in an older looking body, some have just lost themselves...You're just human, and sometimes recognizing something is hard when your in it. But no matter what kind of abuse it is, ITS NOT OKAY. Say it to yourself every minute you look into his hollow eyes..ITS NOT OKAY. Theres some man just waiting for you to come around to him, and love your children. Did you ask yourself what you think you deserve? Right now your telling me you deserve dirt...the most disfunctional man and husband. God, have you ever met the great guys out there? The ones with big hearts. I will tell you right now what is best for your children, that they do not have any contact with your husband. I think often girls who watch there mother being beaten, learn that that is what they deserve. You set an example for those children. You have to teach them that what there father does isn't what mommy deserves, you have the chance right now to show them the great part of life. Its amazing the way you can touch someones life. God never wrote in the bible, stay with your husband even if he beats you, because i said for better or for worse. Your husband is the not a part of good but a part of evil. A man is someone who respects there woman. Honestly, you do need to get some help, and learn to grow confidence. I can just tell that you lack alot of self worth, and you need to see for yourself that you need to dig deep into your soul and find that. Of course you can't find it alone, so you need to someone that you can be honest with. Its tough having confidence these days, lots of things attempt to bring you down so low that you don't feel like you can pick up where you left off, but u can! Theres hope somewhere in you. Leaving him is right, its the best step you will ever make in your entire life, and i can promise you that not even by knowing you. Your children will understand as time goes on that you left him for a good reason. I have said all i can possibly say to you. Life is waiting for you...so keep going and walk out of there proud. Keep your chin up, and forget about whatever anyone elses opinion is. I know you know whats right and whats wrong. Follow the heart...its honest.

Work on your escape plan. Tell someone you trust. Implement.

For help, go to:

http://www.ndvh.org/ and/or call them.
Break the Silence, Make the Call
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Do it today. Nothing will change until you do.

if you want what is best for your children you will leave. you should not have your children in a place where they see this type of violence. if you stay, you are just teaching your kids that this is right and its not.

i say run away...right now it might just be him hitting you with his fist, but you dont know whats next...he could come home one day and decide he has had enough and kill you in fron of your kids, who's gonna take care of your kids then.

i know its not easy, specially if you love this man, but sometimes the person you love can harm you in all ways...let him go, there is someone out there who will love you and your kids the way god meant.

GOOD LUCK

You need to seek help for both yourself and your children. Do you have family around that are supportive? Is there a shelter where you could have time out with your kids to seek counsel? This is not a decision that should be left to your children because they cannot possibly understand and of course don't want their family separated, but you must do what's best for them. What's best for them will be what's best for you. God bless you.

This is a very difficult situation, your children do not want to leave but they are watching their Mother be abused and humiliated, this cannot be good for them psychologically. it is certainly not good for you or your self esteem.
Can family help you?
I think you need some professional help I know that is difficult but you have taken the first step by asking for help even from strangers
Your children cannot decide your future for you all , they are young and too emotionally involved in the situation

You must seek help and get out of this marriage. Your husband has broken his marriage vows by hurting you and especially in front of the kids who are learning about adult relationships from watching the pair of you. It will be hard work to leave but if you don't have the self-esteem to leave a clearly abusive relationship under your own power, look at your children and do it for them. Leave him so they can know a stable and loving environment and a mother who put their needs above her own. There are many services available to you but most important is to call the police and press charges on him if he hurts you or threatens to. You must do this because he must stop. He is breaking the law and he may permanently damage you. I have a partially detached retina from my ex-husband's antics.

What is best for your children is to live in a safe and secure environment and to be shown through example how to treat other human beings. It is NOT even close to being good for your children to be taught that they are the reason for thier mothers misery.

Do you have friends or family who can help you? If he is to change, you will both need help. There are organisations in various places which help people in situations like yours and you should certainly look into this option. If he is unable or unwilling to change, then you will have to leave him; it will be less bad for your children to grow up with their parents separated or divorced than it will be to see you fighting, if it is as bad as you describe. Very best of luck in sorting it out.

Talk to real councilor, please. Answers here are good, take advice and talk to someone. Don’t delay. There is no point in continuing in an abusive relationship. Do what is best for you. If children are old enough to give you suggestions, they are old enough to understand why you are taking the step you would.

Emotional abuse is hard to prove. Physical abuse is not. An abusive relationship is never acceptable, but do not leave without the children. Even if they don't agree, find a safe place, file reports when it happens. Without police documented histories it is hard to get a conviction and support in the legal system.

You need to get away, and if you need to communicate, do it by phone or with a mediator.

This is what I wrote to someone who asked a similar question to you:
Okay, normally the welfare worker in me would kick in and I'd be all neutral. However over this, I struggle.

I'm not judging you. It's hard to leave an abusive relationship - sometimes you'll leave then come back because they swear they'll change, they say they can't survive without you, they woo you and romance you back, they change jobs and say it's stress, they move and say it's the area and their old friends, they threaten to hurt your children if you don't come back.

I'm not sure of your situation - ie, is he hurting you only or your children as well (physically speaking)?

You can be guaranteed that if he's treating you badly that it's impacting on your children. They soak up everything.

Staying in an abusive relationship affects your children severely - they are impressionable and you could be teaching them all kinds of lessons you don't want them to learn:
-that it's okay for dad to hurt mom
-that mom has no self-worth
-that we kids have no self worth either
-that mom doesn't think we kids are worth protecting
-that it's our fault that mom's getting hurt and we need to be better kids
-that we can't trust the world to ask for help cause mom certainly doesn't ask for help
-that when we grow up we're either going to abuse our partners or be abused
-that when we grow up we're going to inflict abuse on ourselves by getting into bad relationships with friends, lovers, family members
-that this is NORMAL and we shouldn't worry about the abuse that Mom is undergoing
-that it's a great way to deal with our problems so let's beat up kids at school, bully our teachers or allow ourselves to get beaten or bullied cause that's what happens at home and it's fine at home so why not at school?

Okay, so I'm sure you get what I'm aiming at right?

You are an adult. You make your decisions to stay or leave. Your children however are minors. They're not able to make those choices. You, as their legal guardian can be held responsible for not protecting your children and in fact by allowing your children to remain in the current environment is leaving you liable for ading and abetting abuse.

Sorry if the picture I painted is too heavy but it's only a small piece of what you're in for if the situation continues.

Also, as SimplyKate stated, you should be proud that you've taken the first step to seek advice. But now it's time for you to be the adult. Your kids don't want you to leave your husband that's their current level of understanding and experience talking. Do not let them dictate what you do. Your job is to ensure their safety at all times and you cannot do that at the moment - your kids are exposed whether they or you realise it or not. And you're right to not want or like the abuse. No woman who stays in an abusive relationship does so because she's happy with the abuse. No-one wants it or invites it or asks for it.

You've said he hurts you infront of your kids. That right there is reason enough to leave. And take the kids with you. They may hate you for a while, hell, they might even hate you for years but that's fine. It will hurt you that they're that upset with you and it will upset you when they take it out on you - you'll feel like you were back with your husband if they become really spiteful and emotionally abusive but at the end of the day, once you leave, your conscience is clear. That he has abused you infront of the children means he will kiss his chance to access the kids goodbye (providing you get a judge who is understanding and ethical enough to see that).

Have a plan - pack bags of stuff for you and the kids. Start squirrelling money away and hide it also. Buy a mobile phone and program emergency numbers in it and put credit on the phone and lock it so your husband can't use it to find what's on it. Talk to a friend, get them to help you with a getaway plan. Get your stuff to them somehow - even if it's via bags of clothes they 'borrow' (if your husband is around and present). Then when you've got an hour or two free from him, go.Get packed and leave. Best time to do it is when the kids are finishing school for the day. Go collect them, have a friend meet you there and take them away.

Sorry to be so dramatic about it but you need a plan that you can put into action.And don't think your being a bad parent or denying your husband. You're stopping the cycle of abuse once and for all and your husband by his behaviour has given up all rights he used to have to access you and your kids.

One other thing. When able, take photos of what your husband does to you - nothing like pictorial evidence and a written diary of the abuse to help you in court. Also see your doctor or find a new doctor if you don't trust the old one to not let your husband know.

I think you're entering into what's called the change cycle - it's where you make a decision that you want change and you're now up to the 'contemplation stage'. Keep going with it and remember, you may not have the courage to leave just yet but start planning for it and you'll be ready when the time does come.

I am a fifteen year old teenage girl and I have witnessed my father abuse my mother and my brother both physically, and even more so emotionally. As a five year old of course I didn't want to move away from my daddy, but I know now tht it was the right thing for my mom to take us away. He never touched me...not until I turned 10 at lest. I'm not sure what changed...I think I started looking to much like my mom, or maybe it's just the fact that I was growing up. Either way, that's when he hit me first. I had to go see him for the summers, that was the agreement that was made when my parents got a divorce and that summer was hell for me. I now see him with a guardian ad-litem, and he is getting help for his problem. He hasn't hit me for two years, although he still is verbally abusive. You need to leave him. Even if your kids don't see it now, it doesn't matter. It's not about what THEY think is right it's about what YOU think is right. You're the adult and, even though it's hard, you're the one who has to make these mature decisions. Good luck...I know it takes a strong woman to grow through this because I watched my mom do it, and I'm not shy to say that even though I was mad at her when I was five, SHE'S MY HERO.

you probably have it coming. one of these days.

How old are your kids and how many of them are there?
Do not ask your kids' advice for your marital problems. They have never been married and they don't know about how you feel. They also don't know what growing up watching you get abused will do to them.

They are learning from you and your husband what love and marriage is all about. Is this what you want them to learn?

He will not change the behavior unless he has to. You need to get away from him for awhile, to let him know that this is not okay with you. I'd avoid dragging family into it. If they try to help you leave and then you end up staying they will be upset, and they'll hate him if they find out all the stuff he's doing to you.

Go to the pros. Talk to Hope House and talk to the battered women's shelters in your area. Play it by the book and don't mess around with your kids' safety.

It's not good for you oR your children to stay. I know from experience that when a child sees their mother abused, they grow up to be abusers or to be on the recieving end of it. This is not a healthy situation, and if i were you I'd get out. The kids will be better off even if they don't realize it now. They'll thank you for it someday. I promise.

You would be very unwise and very selfish to stay with that man. He is controlling your whole family!
Think about this---do you want your children to grow up and be just like him?? I assure you--they will set that pattern for themselves and do the same thing in their own relationships. And do YOU really want to live that way yourself? Or do you want more out of life than that??
my dear--leaving him is the best and rightest thing you can do for your children and yourself. Blessings

What is best for you, is best for your children aswell, there young they dont completely understand the situation. Leave your husband. When your children get older they will understand and love you more than ever.

leave him as soon as you can if you dont, you will fu*k up your kids...if they are not alre4ady fuc*ed up by it already.
Was the best thing my mum did in the end, even if it was too late in many ways.

LEAVE HIM!!! if he is hurting you physically and emotionally you should be gone. especially with your babies. get out! he's not going to change. your children are being taught WRONG THINGS! they will think its ok to hit someone and to make someone cry. it will only get worse. Your children of course don't want you to leave their daddy but trust me they will thank you for it in the long run. if they knew how much pain you were in all the time i'm sure they would understand more than they do now. get out and save yourself and your babies. good luck!

If u are being abused LEAVE!!! And the thing is, when you leave you can take it to court and discuss custody rights. If you get custody of your kids, its a win-win for you and a lose-lose for him. And if he abuses u he deserves the lose-lose!

While you want what's best for your children, you need to do what's best for you as well. Staying in this relationship will only get worse before it gets better. Growing up in a similar situation as the child, it is definilty not good for them to see this, no matter how old they are. Also, if he's abusing you, don't you think that he could the children as well? You can't stay in a relationship like this. It's dangerous and you could get seriously hurt. Be strong and don't put up with it anymore.

please, you must leave as soon as possible.
your children will eventually appreciate
your strength and become stronger themselves.

Leave..that is not love. Your children will be better off though they do not know it now. You need to show them strength and show them that this is not okay. When they get older they will not respect you if you do not stand up for yourself. It may be hard to leave but you will be glad you did. Everyone deserves to be treated in a respectful loving way. You do not want your children to repeat this and marry an abusive spouse...then you'd feel bad about that. You made a bad choice now you know better. You have no choice but to leave...the relationship is unhealthy for the family. If you stay..he'll never change. He has more chance of changing if you leave. Good luck to you!

If you stay with him nd the abuse gets to the point that you are fatally injured, would you want toleave your kids alone with him? I think it's best that you get out while you can. Your kids will understand in time.

If he will attend counseling, I recommend it first. If he refuses, leave him and start a new life. Children do not need to be subjected to any form of abuse. Make sure to secure a good job and I do hope you have family support. Take him to court. The kids deserve the child support and so do you.

Best of luck...you can do it!

you dont say how old your kids are but if they are old enough to tell you not to leave, you need to worry about yourself first! you need to leave dont put up with this ' for that sake of the kids' surely it will be better for the kids to have a happy mum whos nt terrified of daddy. there is support out there for you, please seek the help you need.

I think in your heart you know the answer.
But you are stalling because it is a hard decision to make and it will be a difficult adjustment on your children.
The answer is obvious - of course you should leave.
You are not responsible for your husbands' abuse - and you cannot change him.
You do not need to be a victim - that is not the role set out for you in this life.
You children were not meant to witness this either.
You need to come up with a plan. How, where, when. You can make this happen.
Please don't be afraid.
When it is all over and you are established in a happier home your children will see what a strong mother they have and admire you for it.
I know I admire mine.

My father was physcially abusive towards my mum, what are you teaching your kids by staying with him? He used to hit me now and then. What do you want to teach your kids? If you have a daughter would you be fine with her sticking with her husband because he smacks her black and blue? She'll stick with him because she saw you do it.

My father hasnt hit my mother for 2 years now, we still live together, Im 22yrs old. I beat the shit out of him for the first time 2 yrs ago, whilst I had been out he had beaten up my mother. He knows not to touch her in my presence, or while Im out, because I'll know when Im back from work and ill batter him. but what happwns when I fly the nest.

YOur kids dont need the worries I have, if they dont have them yet they will some day.

Your husband is not a man, men DO NOT hit women. Scum, filth and cowards hit women. Leave him for yours AND your childrens sakes.

if you want whats best for your kids then you need to leave your husband. You shouldn't take any kind of abuse exspecailly when he's doing it right infront of your kids. Thats not good for children to see vilonce or any kid of abuse. 90% of children that come from homes that have that in it wind up doingit themselves to there spouses or ect. So The best thing for you and your children is to just leave

You should get out of it! NO man should EVER abuse you! This is not the right thing for your children! of course children don't want to leave their other parent, but not you or them shoulde EVER have to take this!! This is not good for the children to grow up with abuse in their house! and this is not what you deserve! not ever!!! you should get help from your family and talk to them about it and let them help you!! God bless you and take care of you! youre in my prayers!

please go to the cops or move out of the house just get help becuase that is not good one day he could really hurt you and it could be deadly! Please also save your and your chlidrens life.You shouldnt go throgh that kind of pain!Seek help make the right choice!

my mom was in a abusive relationship.
and the best thing to do is leave b/c it will only get worse and when he hits you and goes back to apologize it's just worse.
leave him and tell him to get into anger managment.
and maybe in time but dont expose your kids to that it's very difficult living with those thaughts b/c they never go away.
just stand strong and leave it is for the best.

in my opinion, it very right to leave. If you think you shouldn't leave, then think about if your child came home bruised up and bloody from their partner beating them, would you tell them to stay and work it out?

I just finished reading a very good book that you might want to read. It's titled "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft. It covers such topics as The Nature of Abusive Thinking, The Abusive Man in Relationships (which includes a chapter on breaking up from this type of relationship), The Abusive Man in the World (this section you will find useful - covers abusive men as parents, abusive men and their allies, and the abusive man and the legal system), Changing the Abusive Man.
You're the best judge when making this decision - if you don't feel like you deserve to be treated this way and you don't think he's willing or capable of changing you'd probably be best to begin making a plan to leave. You can start by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE and they can refer you to the closest hotline in your area if you don't already know of one. Good Luck!

leave him. you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. abuse(emotional or physical) is not right. get help and see to the safety of yourself and the children.

Simple answer, get out and take the kids with you. Get a lawyer and file for divorce. Physical and emotional abuse are not acceptable -- PERIOD. There are shelters available for you and your children to use until you can get a place with the help of social services. Get a restraining order against him immediately also.

The abuse of you is also abuse of your children -- mental abuse. They will learn from the actions of their father and just like good little sponges that they are they will follow in those same footsteps unless you take action to stop it.

Check out this site for more information.

http://www.cfw.tufts.edu/topic/2/25.htm

NO NO NO. Leaving him is not wrong do it for you and the kids. They are absorbing it all right now and when they get older his ways will reflect in their future relationships and they have no control. my mom was mentally and emotionally abused by my father for 20 years and i didnt understand so i would cry and tell her we cant leave so she stuck by him for me now . she finally left him after 21 yrs she was a emotional wreck it just messed her up so bad. whil she was in the process of the divorce she found out she had cancer and she died. Now hes got himself a new woman..

Thats not doing whats good for your children in that situation you are doing what you really feel is right for you. And if you really want to do what is right for your kids you would take that lifestyle away from them as quick as you can

Leave! Children will be much happier when they know the good side of things. They know what they were raised with and scared of change and without you making that change and showing them a difference, they will never learn how to seek happiness for themselves in the long run. It's your responsibility to make a change. There is NO room for abuse in children's lives, to teach them that this is okay. Because it's not. The hardest step to take is breaking habit, it's scary after it's become something of all you know. Yet, it finds the strength in you to know, "you can do it and you will".

ehm i think u should leave the basterd, and its no good for ur kids 2 watch him abuse u. and they only learn how 2 abuse there wife ore children when they grow up. and theres no good 2 abuse people.. its only wrong.

my father used 2 abuse my nmother and its no good 2 wathc.. its probally painfull for them to see how they father abuse u.. u have to think of ur self and ur childrens.. :)

I think most will agree what's best for the kids is to pack up and 'git'. It may not seem that way to the kids in the short term but they will get over it for the most part. As far as what's best for you, you don't need us to answer that one yo...

Take a little time and pamper yourself. It is precisely when domestic foundations have been shaken that wives literally become raving ranting wrecks. Do not do this. Protect the children to the best of your ability. It is psychologically very damaging for young ones to witness warring parents. Keep calm and level headed. Keep children away from him when he arrives home and try to talk to him but void the conflict, take an interest in his activities, and what may be worrying him, but on no accounts must you ever badger him. Do not beg or plead, or cry; be firm and rational. and Good luck ...

OH honey, let me tell you what I have been through.
I was married to a man for 18 years that thought that the world should revolve around him. I met him very young, and he was in trouble when I met him,and it never changed, it only got worse. He was a drug addict before becoming a father,and i had always thought that with time he would change, and become a better person, but I was wrong. He got hooked on crack, and we lost a huge three bedroom house and he lost his job. We wound up living in a trailer house, upon where he got shot, being in the wrong place, at the wrong time, doing the wrong things.
I did my best to tolerate him, working full time, and paying all of the bills, and when I was pregnant in 1991, i found out he had cheated on me. So i moved back home to my moms for a while. I moved back in with him later, after he had begged me to give him another chance, and we were in and out of aparments, so many that i couldnt count them on my fingers. Martin began to drink, and start back to mixing alcohol with the drugs, and he began to hit me, and when I put my foot down about that, he began to verbally abuse me, and as our daughter grew older, he was drinking 7 days out of 7.
Honey, I met the most wonderful man, that loves me, and dosent have these issues. He never raises a hand to me, or yells at me for that matter, and is very good and loving to my daughter. He holds my hands, and brings me coffee in the mornings, and we even play together, getting along so well. He put Martin in his place, and i have not ever had any issues with the ex ever again. Please honey, get the heck out of there, and if you have family that you can live with, or enough money to get out on you own, please do. That is no way to raise children, and they will grow up thinking that type of behavior is acceptable,when it is not.Good Luck to you.

it is best for your kids that YOU are happy..
don't show your kids that its okay for a man to lay a hand on a female.. the best thing would be to live in a healthy environment.

it is very good that you are seeking advise/help. i would suggest that you take it one step further and contact a local domestic violence center.usually they have hotlines you can call, and many different resources to help anyone with your problem.(financial assistance/counseling/shelter/food/clothing/cell phone/child care/jobs/etcetera.) you can see a counselor, who will respect your confidentiality, and will be able to help you sort though your feelings. you will not be pushed in one direction or the other.

How old are your children? My mom went through the same thing but my sis and bro are 16 & 17 and my mom divorced my dad and they took it pretty hard (the divorce). Believe it or not you will reach a point where you are going to say "That's it, I have had enough!" and you will leave. You may have to get a male friend to help motivate this action. In my opinion they are more effective and will help get the ball moving. Take care of yourself. You will be in my prayers.

Get out of that abusive situation. Your children are learning by watching you...do you really want them to grow up thinking that "this" is what a loving relationship is supposed to be like?

The best thing for your children is to get away from the abuse. If you don't they will be abused or be an abuser later in life.