Parent beware. It walks it talks it crawls on its belly like a reptile. It has needs that will be constant and will have to be provided for prior to any of yours. It will cry for no reason it will laugh for no reason it wakes up in the middle of the night for no reason. But after all the exhausting work it will look at you and say mama or dada and all will be forgiven.

Good luck! :D

PULL OUT!!!!! Oh... Maybe that would be in the PRE parenthood magazine. The instruction manual would say to: "Be patient, firm, and be sure to bring your sense of humor". Kids will wear your a$$ out for at least 25 years if you let them. The best way to make sure you enjoy those 25 years is to make sure you give them responsibilities, love, encouragement, and the occasional discipline.

Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst because you never know what they are going to do next.

Once box is opened, software can not be returned.

*Warning This is Not a Toy* Congratulations! You are the proud (maybe) new owner of a child. Whether you planned to be or not, this child is now your responsibility. For full instruction on how to properly raise your child please read sections 1-5000, or if you prefer the modern method of raising kids (especially if the child was unplanned and the baby daddy is not around or unknown) you might want to skip to the last section of the book entitled: "Raising Your Child on Television, Videogames and Kraft Mac and Cheese". This section is only 3 pages long, written in big letters using easy to comprehend language (with pictures) and will show you the proper way to use the most simplest and efficient route to raising your child with as little effort as possible. After reading this section you may dispose of the book or use it to prop up that wobbly leg of the cabinet you keep your crack paraphernalia in. For those of you reading the entirety of the book, we wish you luck (you will need it)and hope this guide will help you through the tough times when you think you may have broken the child, overfed, underfed, gotten it too wet, too dry, when it won't stop crying, when it will test your patience and almost convince you it is brain damaged or any of the other joys of parenting. Using these tried and true techniques you may actually raise a productive member of society (unless you are one of those who followed only the last section of the book). (this course is also available on DVD for the educationally challenged) -From the makers of other fine products like: "How to find a new daddy for your baby" "Child support in 3 easy steps" "How to hide your pregnancy for 8 months" "Faring well with Welfare" and "Infant Self Defense- how to make sure your baby can protect itself from other peoples bad ass kids"

Quit now, while you still can.

Not for resale and No returns accepted. Ugh, that's not an instruction though, is it? Umm... food, warmth, shelter and lots of love and attention.

Do not be afraid to ask for help as needed. Though numerous parenting mistakes will be made with the first child, with experience comes expertise. WARNING! Do not back down, even under dire circumstances. Abandonment of duties will result in severe feelings of guilt and painful memories for all involved, which may be forgiven at some point, but will never be forgotten.

The cover, I can say for sure, would have the words, DON'T PANIC inscribed in large friendly letters. Hopefully the first page would remind you that your precious little baby will be exactly like the babies that cavemen had. No difference other then living conditions. To many people forget that their babies are really just little mammals and will behave as such for years.

Do not launch your baby threw the window no matter how much it repeats what you say.

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable. -Kahlil Gibran-

if your kids think youre awesome- you suck! if your kids think you suck- youre doing a damned good job!

This product will malfunction and drive you nuts. The future is too unpredictable to give specific instructions just warnings. Thank you for choosing the Life Corporation.