ANSWERS: 100
  • The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are: 1. Doctor. 2. Dentist 3. Coal man. 4. Decorator. 5. Bank manager. A Doctor says "take off your clothes" A Dentist says "open wide" A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?" A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it’s up?" A Bank manager says "don’t take it out you’ll lose interest!" (I was gonna tell a yo momma joke, but nah)
  • The first joke I ever learnt was this: Q) Why did the orange go to the doctor? .....A) It wasn't peeling very well!
  • Women's rights
  • No. I tell you this one anyway. The Best Law Enforcement The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit -- and make no apologies. "The rabbit had it coming." The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit." http://www.askmen.com/jokes/2007_feb/feb01.html
  • If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it. -------------------------------------- Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned? A: It wasn't IBM compatible. -------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the gruntwork for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Questionable day. Ask somebody something.
  • Whats the difference between a woman and a computer? you only have to punch the information into the computer once. What does Michael Jackson and Caviar have in common? they both come on little white crackers.
  • Nope, i don't know any good jokes. let me just say that i answered this question. the question was "do you know"...and i said "no i don't know". if it had been "What are some good jokes?" then my answer would not be legitimate. but as it is, go dig a hole downraters!
  • There are three men (construction workers). A white guy, a black guy, and an asian guy (fob). The white guy had to get the blueprint, the black guy had to get the lunch, and the asian guy had to get the supplies. When they got back, the white and black guy only came back with their stuff. they said, "Where's the asian guy?" Then the asian guy jumped in back of them and said, "SUPLISE!" (<--fob way of saying surprise.)
  • Try this one. Career Choice An older couple had a son who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son has no career plans, so they decided to do a small test. They took a $10 bill, a Bible and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home. The test was this: If the son took the money, he would be a businessman, if he took the Bible, he would be a priest, but if he took the bottle of whiskey, he would be a drunk. So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole, they saw their son arrive and read the note they had left him. http://www.askmen.com/jokes/current/index.html Then, he took the $10 bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it. Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to check the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items. The father slapped his forehead and said, "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!"
  • After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".
  • Three guys, Mo, Fred and Gerry, used to work on the same construction site. Every day they would sit together for lunch. One day, Mo opened his lunch box and said: Oh, no. Not peanut butter. If I get peanut butter again, I'm going to jump off the top of this building. Fred opened his box and said: oh no. not tomato and cheese. if I get tomato and cheese again, I"M going to jump off the top of this building. Gerry opened his box and said: Oh, no. Not salami again. If I get salami again, I'M going to jump off the top of this building too. The next day, they sat down for lunch and opened their boxes. Mo exclaimed: No! Peanut butter! and he jumped off the building. Fred opened his box and exclaimed:Oh, no, not tomato and cheese. and he jumped off the building. Gerry then opened his and exclaimed: Oh no, not salami! and jumped off the building. The three were buried together. At the funeral, the wives were crying and talking and discussing their decisions to jump. Gerry's wife, dabbing her eyes said..."and what I can't understand is....Gerry always made his own lunch."
  • People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce. I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."
  • A little turtle and his family lived around a pond by a roadway. Curiously the little turtle asked his grandfather what was on the other side of 'that black strip'. His grandfather told him, "I don't know. A few have ventured out to determine that, but they never returned. You must never try to cross the black strip. It is forbidden." The little turtle, now beyond curious, decides that he would tunnel his way under the black strip and find out what's on the other side. The little turtle tunnels all the way to the other side, and is about to poke his head out when a car pulls to the shoulder. A woman hops out and squats down to pee. Just as she starts, the little turtle pops his head out of the ground and gets soaked. He goes back to his home and being greeted by his grandfather, he was asked, "Well, did you find out what was on the other side?" The little turtle replied, "No, but I found out one thing. It rains so hard over there that they build the bird nests upside down!"
  • A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "Id like some raisin bread please", the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to sre the clerk climb up and down. After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself! Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?" "No," croaks the old man "... But its startin to twitch."
  • An old couple walked into a McDonalds. The old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. They sat down and he unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered..................... "THE TEETH"
  • How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day? -When she has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil!
  • A guy is sitting at a boat dock fishing. His friend passes by with a boat load of duck tape. He askes him what is he gonna do with all that tape. "I'm going duck hunting," the guy in the boat replies. "You can't hunt ducks with duck tape," the first guy replies. "Well, I have all this tape, I'm gonna try." Later that day he comes back with a boat full of ducks. The first guy says, "I just don't understand it." The next day He sees his friend coming by in a boat full of NutraSweet. He asks where he is going and the guy in the boat says, "I'm going Nutra hunting(Nutra is how we say nutria a kind of large rat common in Louisiana.)" The first guy says that you can't catch nutria with NutraSweet. The guy in the boat says that he has all this stuff he's gonna try. Later that day the guy in the boat comes by with a boat full of nutrias. The first guy says to himself that he doen't understand it. The next day the guy passes by in the boat and the first guy asks him what he has in the boat today and the guy in the boat says," pussy willow". The first guy says, "Hold on I'm coming with you."
  • Two guys were hunting in the woods, and one guy (#1)looked through his scope and saw the the other guy's wife was cheating. So the guy (#1) told him to shoot them, the guy in the nuts and the women's head And guy (#2) said I can do that in one shot
  • Knock knock who's there? nobody nobody who? ... Thats my way of saying no i don't know any good jokes.
  • A woman is worried about her husband's health, so she phones the doctors to get the medical diagnosis she had her husband tested for. The doctor answers and says "Mrs. Smith, we have a slight problem. There was another patient with the exact same name as your husbands taking a test, and we mixed your husband and this man's test up. So he could have either AIDS or Alzheimers." The woman replies "Well cant he just take the test again?" The doctor tells her that he can only do one per year, so the woman consults him as to what she should do to find out what condition her husband has. "Well, here's what you do; drive him around town, drop him off in town square and leave him there. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
  • http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/77755
  • Lmao, those are all good jokes; heres one to add: A lil old man and a lil old lady are sitting quietly on there porch resting in there rocking chairs. Suddenly the old lady reaches over and slaps the old man, "What was that for" he asks. "For all those years of bad sex" she tells him A little while later the old man reaches over and slaps the old lady. Stunned she asks him "Whatdya do that for?" "For knowing the difference" He replies
  • A king walks into a McDonald's. Says the king, “Give me two paintings please.” Says the guy behind the counter, “I'll give you something else.” Says the king, “Oh, that’s fine, I’m going to kill you anyway.”
  • A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in to change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. A few days after her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. When she arrived in front of God, she asked, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of that ambulance?" God replied: "I didn't recognize you!" > > > > >
  • The man who loved baked beans: Bob always loved baked beans when he was growing up and still does until today. However, Bob finally decided to asked his girlfriend Becky to marry him and that day would be on his birthday. However, bob knew that he would have to give up baked beans becaused it back fired on him real bad. I mean real bad, and that he would never want his future wife to ever have to go through that smell. So Bob's birthday finally arrived and Bob decided to ask his girlfriend to marry him, when he was driving to her house, all of a sudden his car broke down. So Bob decided to just walk the rest of the way. On his path, he passed a resturant and all he could spell was baked beans. Well? Bob went inside and ordered two orders of beans and gulp it down. He then took off for Becky's house. When he arrived at Becky's Bob told her I have a surprise for you, Becky then replied Oh boy so do I. Becky then told Bob to wait with his surprise and to put on this blind fold and swear not to peak. Bob agreed then Becky walked him over to the Kitchen and sat him down. All of a sudden, Bob could feel his stomach rumbling and roaring and he held his breath in hope not to fart. Lucky for Bob, the phone rang and Becky told Bob stay here and dont peak while I grab the phone. As soon as he heard Becky leave, it happened! Bob released the biggest fart you could imagine. It shook the glasses on the table, the plates in the drain rack and almost took the table cloth right off. Bob then wipe the sweat from his forehead and said thank God Becky wasnt here to experienced that. Becky then walks back into the kitchen and tells Bob, okay you ready for your surprise? Bob then replies yep, Becky rips off the blind fold and says Happy Birthday!!! And with that was all Bob's friends and family sittting around the kitchen table.
  • here's one- 2 guys who hardly know each other,are sitting side by side in a bar,sipping there beers,One of them was a Huge wrestler and the other was a dwarf.All of a sudden,the wrestler turns around and hits the dwarf and Yells"that was a karate chop from china!!".the dwarf was blown to the ground and JUST manages to return to his seat. a few moments latter the wrestler turns around and whacks the dwarf,who is knocked to the ground and can hardly get up but manages to sit down again,again the wrestler yells"that was a samoan spike from samoa!!",the dwarf doesnt say a word and continues to sip his beer... A couple of minutes latter,the Dwarf Hits the wrestler.the wrestler is blown to the floor and is out cold,the bartender is looking at him with amazemant.then the dwarf turns around and says to to the bertender "when he wakes up,tell him that was a sledge hammer from Wal-mart"
  • Yes i know 1 and his name is bob blaylock,what a joke he is..lol
  • Sherlock Holmes Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."
  • five surgeons Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
  • Why do blonde girls have bruises near their belly buttons? Because Blonde Guys aint that smart either.
  • A preschool teacher wanted her students to assimilate certain flavors with certain colors. To do this he got five of the girls in the class to come up to the front as test tasters. He took a multiflavor pack of lifesavers and gave each of them a red one and asked them what flavor it was. All the girls said "Cherry," the teacher said "Yes, cherry red." He then repeated the process for the rest of the pack of lifesavers. Orange- orange, yellow- lemon, green- lime, etc. After the girls went through the whole pack he got another sorted bag of single lifesavers and gave each girl a honey lifesaver. This time the girls weren't too sure of what flavor it was. The teacher gave them a hint: "It's something your mother calls your father." As the girls continued to suck on their lifesavers with the little holes in the middle. Suddenly one girl started violently spitting out the lifesaver, she kept spitting and spitting, until the teacher asked her what's wrong? "They're assholes!"
  • A man walks through the park and spots an old man crying on a bench. The man walks to the old man and asks "Why are oyu crying?" The old man says "I own one of the richest business in the country and am now living on a pention that gives me about $500,000 a month. I live in a five floor mansion and have my own golfer's club. I have a supermodel/actress/yoga instructor for a wife who gives me sex every day. " The man was baffled "Then why are you so sad?" "I have alzhiemer's and i forgot where i live"
  • whats long, hard, and filled with seamen? > >> >>> >>>> >>>>> >>>>>> a submarine. the answer is NOT a penis
  • Knock! Knock! Who's there? Baby boy blue. Baby boy blue who? Baby boy blew Micheal Jackson!
  • Saw a couple of blonde jokes, so I'll submit this one of my many faves: Why are there so many blonde jokes? . . . . (wait for it...) . . So brunettes will have something to do on Saturday nights. ;-)
  • Two prawns swimming around in the sea- one called Justin, the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harrassed and threatened by sharks that inhabit the area. One day Justin said to Christian, "I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten". Just then, a mysterious Cod appeared, he waved his fin and within seconds, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian swam away afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed, as it does and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates just swam away when he came close to them. He didn't realise his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. One day swimming alone again, he saw the mysterious Cod and he thought that perhaps, the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. So he approached the Cod and begged to be changed back and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam over to all his old friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering he realised he couldn't see his old friend. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", was the reply. Eager to put things right again and to end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted "It's me Justin your old friend, come out and see me!" Christian said "No way man, you'll eat me - you're now a shark. You're the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner!" and Justin shouted back: "No man, that was the old me - I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian!"
  • A guy is driving his nice Mercedes Benz up the Pali in Hawaii when he is pulled over by two big Hawaiian guys. The guys then tie him up and drive his car to a remote area parking lot. The two Hawaiians then draw a big circle around the lot and tells the rich guy to stand in that circle and don't dare jump out or we will beat you. The guy replies okay but don't hurt me. With that, the two Hawaiians take out their baseball bats and start beating the car, breaking the windows and denting the hood. They then look at the rich guy and he is laughing. So they get more mad and this time, they rip up all his seats, rip his dash board, then pop all four tires. They look at the guy again, and this time he is laughing so hard that tears are coming out of his eyes. One of the Hawaiian guys then says okay, this is it buddy, he grabs a gas can and pours it all over the car and lights it and then it explodes. They both look at the guy again and this time he is rolling on the ground dying in laughter. Finally, the two Hawaii guys tell the guy okay, we give up, why is it that we did all that to your car and blew it up and yet you are laughing? The rich guy tells them that all that time you guys were doing that to my car, I jumped out of the circle three times!
  • George Bush
  • This is really not a joke, but have a girl you know well tell this joke. Have her hold a dollar bill in front of her right about at her waist line. Then she tells another person "what is this"? When the other person cant answer it correctly, she replies, "all you can eat for under a dollar".
  • do you have a mirror?
  • Three guys are standing on top the empire state building. A Japanese, A Pollock, and a Black guy. They all want to see who has the longest penis. So the Japanese guy goes to the edge of the building and whips out his thing and it goes down two stories. Next, the Pollock guy goes to the edge of the building, and whips it out, and it goes down 4 stories. Next, the Black guy goes to the edge of the building and whips it out, but then the Japanese guy and the Pollock notices that the Black guy is boobing and weaving around, so they asks the black guy, hey why are you moving all around? The black guy replies, I dodging traffic.
  • I Know Loads ......................................................................................... But i can't remember any of them
  • One day a lady asked her lazy husband if he could check her car since it was acting funny lately. The husband responded, who do you think I am, Mr. Good Wrench? A few days go by and the lady asked her lazy husband, do you think you could check out the washing machine for me, its been acting a little strange lately. The lazy husband replies, who do you think I am, the May Tag repair man? After a few days goes by, the Lazy husband starts to feel bad and tells the wife, okay honey I will go take a look at the washing machine for you. The wife then replies, no need, Mr. Smith our neighbor next door fixed it yesterday and he fixed the car too. The lazy husband says, well want did he want for fixing all those things, the wife replies, well, he said to give him good sex or bake him a cake. So the lazy Husband says, so what kind of cake did you bake for him, the wife replies, who do you think I am, Betty Crocker?
  • You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop-off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you are. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you are. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk a** off the merry-go-round!
  • A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said: "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now, take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now, take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now, take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now, take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
  • What do you get when your cross a stream and a creek?......WET FEET!!
  • An Irishman is driving around a parking lot that is completely packed. In frustration he looks up to the sky and says "Dear God, if you find me a parking space I'll give up Irish whisky and I'll go to Mass every sunday", just then the man finds an open space. He looks back up to the sky and says "Nevermind Lord, I found one!
  • ****** JOKE BELOW RATED PG13 ******* (Don't Tease Little Old Ladies) Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I ! didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take! me now!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!!!
  • THE ORIGIN OF YODELING: A man has been hiking in the mountains all day. He is exhausted, so stops at a nearby farm to ask the farmer if he can spend the night. The farmer tells him that he has no room in the house, but is welcome to spend the night in the barn. The man happily accepts. A few minutes later, the farmer sees his daughter head over to the barn with a pitcher of lemonade. She doesn't return for about an hour. Next, he sees his wife head over to the barn with some sandwiches. She doesn't return for over an hour. Getting suspicious, the farmer stomps over to the barn and confronts the man. "Did you sleep with my daughter," he asks. And the man replies, AND YOUR OLD LADY TOO! HEEHEEHEE
  • Here's a few more, I have a huge collection of jokes if you want more: ****** JOKE BELOW RATED PG ******* Bowling Tournament: Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team, down below, is whooping it up and having a great time until one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, and she decides to investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. "Whats going on up here?" asks the brunette. "We're having a great time downstairs!" "Yeah," screams a terrified blonde, "but you've got a driver!" ****** JOKES BELOW RATED PG13 ******* (Big guy on elevator) Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown." Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??" In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall,weigh 350 lbs., have a 20 inch penis,my testicles weigh 3lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said "Turn Around." (Chicken Wire & DuctTape) An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. The next morning,the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of duct tape." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch me some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow." "Wait up boy...I'll get my hat."
  • go here http://www.lfgcomic.com/archives.php
  • What do 80 yr old women taste like? ____DEPENDS_____
  • heres one its a bit lame. Two Muffins are in a oven. One muffin says to the other: "Wow its hot in here!!" the other replys: "AAh!! A talking muffin!!!"
  • One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow-ploughs can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow-ploughs can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park . . . ." The power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do! Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow-ploughs can get through?" Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
  • I can resist, here's some more, (Rated PG) (Some Blonde moments:) Alligator Shoes A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were signified becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" Blonde Kidnapping There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow by 7 AM. Signed - "The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Also inside the bag was the following note: "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another." (A Family Joke:) Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on The Reply: Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
  • Here's some for the Guys... (Sorry guys these are Rated PG and sorry ladies these are just for fun!) Damaging Food A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs are enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it? After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding cake." Men Super Store: Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands... First floor: The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. Second floor: The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?" Third floor: This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went. Fourth floor: This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor: The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left." Interpreting the "Female" Language: (FINE) This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. (FIVE MINUTES) This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. (NOTHING) This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards."Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine" (GO AHEAD) - (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine" (GO AHEAD) - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. (LOUD SIGH) This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" (SOFT SIGH) Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. (THAT'S OKAY) This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow." (GO AHEAD!) At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. (PLEASE DO) This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay" (THANKS) A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. (THANKS A LOT) This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
  • Here's a couple more to add to your collection:(Rated PG): (Wrong Email Address): An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE. (Computer Hardware and Software:) Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User. (KEEP READING) ______________________________________ REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
  • Yo mamas so fat, she jumped in the air and got stuck
  • What's the difference between president Bush and a monkey?
  • Okay, here's one from my personal stash. You know how poor my family is? Some people have a screen door, our house has a screen Floor!
  • The career of this man.
  • I married one.
  • A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it.!" http://www.danggoodjokes.com/boys/
  • G'day Stella, Thank you for your question. Jokes aren't really my forte. However, I will make this contribution. There are three construction workers working on a high rise building who are sitting down for lunch. The first man is Chinese and said "I'm sick of eating noodles every day. If I get it tomorrow I'm going to jump". The second man who is Italian says "I am tired of eating spaghetti every day. If I get it tomoorow, I'll jump too". The third man who was Irish said: "I'm sick of eating corned beef sandwiches. If i get them tomorrow, I'll jump too." The three men got the same lunch tomorrow and true to their words jumped. At their funerals, the Chinese man's widow said "If I had known he was tired of noodles, I would have prepared something else." The Italian man's widow said "If I had known he was tired of lasagna, I would have prepared something else." The Irish man's widow said "Don't look at me. He packed his own lunch." Regards
  • A man was shot last night on a local estate after a row over a carpet. Police havn't ruled out the murder may have been RUG related.
  • Two bee keepers, Dave and Bob, are talking to each other about their hobby. Dave says to Bob "How many bees do you have?" "A thousand", says Bob "And how many hives do you have?" "Ten", Bob replies. "How many bees do you have then Dave?" "A million" says Dave "A million?" says Bob "Gosh. Well how many hives do you have?" "One" Dave replies. Bob considered this, and asks Dave "A million bees, in one hive? Ain't that a bit cruel?". Dave ponders this for a while then replies. "Na. F#ck em. They're only bees" says Dave. I have no idea why but this is my favourite joke ever.
  • It's a beautiful summer's day, and little 8 year old Bluebell is walking her dog, singing sweetly to herself. The local priest is on the way from his morning sermon, and can't help but notice how sweet and happy this little girl seems. "Good day to you, little girl." he says. "You seem really happy today. What is your name?" "Bluebell, father" says the little girl. "What a beautiful and interesting name!" exclaims the Priest. "Why did your parents call you that?" "Well" says Bluebell "When Mummy and Daddy were courting, they would go for long picnics in the woods. And each summer, a lovely patch of Bluebells would bloom. And that is where my Daddy proposed to my Mummy. So they decided that their first born girl would be called Bluebell." The story warmed the Priest's heart as much as the radiant sunshine of the day. "That's lovely" he said, "and what is your dog's name?". "Porky." said Bluebell. "Porky? And why is he called that?" "Because he f#cks pigs." Bluebell replied.
  • What do you call an Indian bloke with pink hair ? Ghandi Floss.
  • Q:How do you get Pikachu on a bus? A:You Poke m on (Poke him on) Q:What do you get when you cross sperm and an egg? A:An omlette you really shouldn't eat
  • 1.. A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that. The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you." 2... A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
  • A recent survey revealed that the average person walks 900 miles per year. Another survey revealed that the average person consumes 20 galons of beer per year. Conclusion: The average person gets 45 miles per gallon.
  • This one is way corny, but I thought it was cute. What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead, and I'll go around.
  • Just for fun... What do you call two rows of cabbages?...... A dual cabbageway What is the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?.. A supermarket trolley has a mind of it's own An Irishman wins the National Lottery.He goes into the newsagent with his winning ticket.'I'd like my money now please' he says. 'Sorry',replies the newsagent, 'you will have to apply to the national lottery central board.And your money will be paid in installments. Five million the first week, five million the next week, five million the week after.' 'Forget it', says the Irishman 'I want my pound back'
  • You should have looked at other questions because this one's been answered like a million times in different forms. http://www.answerbag.com/c_view/1900 http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/123157 http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/99013 http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/77755
  • There are so many other places for this question. It is almost a duplicate. Here are places where you can read many of them. http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/139788 http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/126303
  • a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks,"why the long face?"
  • It's not very nice.... What's black and sits at the top of a staircase? Stephen Hawkings after a house fire. x
  • Irishman, scotsman and an englishman, sitting in a pub. E= i named my son george after st georges day, S= i named my son andrew after st andrews day, Then just at that moment the irishman son walks in, and he says "arh there you are pancake!"
  • A man says to his wife "Do you want to go camping?" She replies "No, I cant think of anything worse" He ponders for a moment then says "OK, You have 3 choices..." "Either give me a BJ or take one up the tradesmans entrance or come camping" She says "OK, Ill give you a BJ" So, as promised she goes to start and yells " EEEuuurgh your dong tastes gross!!!" As quick as a flash he replies "Yeh, the dog didnt want to go camping either!!"
  • Well my family background is irish and something else but I don't know plus I'm a twin. You'll need to know this when I tell you this joke I heard from an old man at college. Two guys come into an irish pub or bar and they say hi to eachother. They find out they both went to the same college and grew up in the same town, they keep saying No Way how can that be possible. A guy walks in the bar and says,"What's going on here?" (he hears how loud the guys are being.) The bartender says,"Oh nothing the O'reilly twins are drunk again."
  • Why did it take the dumb blonde 6 hours to make chocolate chip cookies? She had to peel all the M&M's first.
  • A man is laying in hospital... He asks the nurse "Nurse.. Are my testicles black?" The nurse gasps and storms off... Another nurse comes by, by this time he is getting a bit annoyed... "ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?!!!" This nurse also looks horrified and runs off... As he lays there wondering why he cant get a straight answer the Matron of the ward strides up... "Now Mr Jones, I hear you have been rude to my staff..." "What is the problem?" He removes his oxygen mask and says in a confused manner "Are my test results back?"
  • Why did Snow White get kicked out of the toy box? She was found sitting on Pinnochio's nose saying.."Tell me a lie". I know I'll get minuses for this one, but oh well....lol
  • Here's another one for you...Little Johnny was sitting out on the curb waiting for his truck driving daddy to come home. He had a bag of m&m's and a cat beside him. His Mom was watching out the window...he would throw a handful of m&m's in his mouth, then take a bite out of the cat, then scooted down a little. After watching him do ths several times, she goes ooutside and asks him why he is doing that...He says,"Just like Daddy, I'm popping pills, eating p&$% and moving on down the line". hehehe
  • Well I do have this one. It's kind of long, but I think the joke's worth it. A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
  • Taken from a Conan O'Brian show a few months back... not verbatim. 'Recent surveys have shown that China has a "backlog" of 30 million single men' or as Elton John would call it an 'all you can eat Chinese buffet.'
  • George Bush. I think he's the best joke going.
  • I heard this one yesterday... A lizard is walking through the jungle when he looks up in a tree and sees a monkey in a cloud of smoke. "What are you doing up there?" He says. "I'm smoking a joint!" The monkey replies. "No way! We cant get weed out here man!" The lizard says. "Wanna bet?" Say's the monkey "Come up here and take a hit!" So the lizard climbs up the tree and sits down next to the monkey and they smoke and smoke and finally the lizard stops and says "Man I'm STONED. I gotta get a drink of water!" The monkey tells him "There is a river down the way a little bit, you can get a drink there." So the lizard climbs down the tree and walks to the river, and he leans in to get a drink, but his balance isn't very good so he stumbles into the water and starts floating off down the river. An alligator sees him and grabs him and sets him back on the shore. "What's wrong with you?" Says the alligator "Why did you fall in like that?" "I'm baked." Says the lizard "I smoked a joint with the monkey over there in that tree." "No way!" Says the alligator, "We can't get weed out here." "Don't believe me?" Says the lizard, "Go look." So the alligator walks over to the tree and looks up at the monkey and the monkey calls down to him "Wow, man! How much water did you drink?!"
  • Yep. I have a few. Birthday present Boudreaux was shopping at the Wal-Mart when he ran into his old friend Thibodeaux outside the jewelry section. Thibodeaux noticed that Boudreaux had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. "So,what you done bought dere, Boud?" Thib asked. "Mais, now that you done asked me that," replies Boudreaux, "it was time to buy my Chlotile's birthday present and this morning when I asked her what she done want me to get her, she say, 'Oh, me I don't know, sha, just so it got a lot of diamonds in it.'" "So, what you done got for her, Boud?" Ole Thib asked. Boudreaux,smiling proudly, replied, "Maise, I got her a deck of cards.." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Planning ahead Boudreaux is on his deathbed and his daughter comes to visit him for the last time. "Daddy, what can I do for you?" "May, what you Mama doing?" The daughter said, "She in the kitchen making a big pot of gumbo!" Boudreaux managed to say, "Go get me a bowl of gumbo, Hun" Tthe daughter leaves and comes back and says, "Mama says the gumbo is for after the funeral." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholi c... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The strong delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic." Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched. There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Boudreaux and the Indians A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Cajun are captured by a fierce tribe of Indians. The chief walks up to them and says, "I have bad news and good news. The bad news is you will all die, and we will use your skin to make canoes. The good news is you can choose the way you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." When given the poison, the Frenchman shouts, "Viva la France!" and drinks it down. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me." When given the pistol, the Englishman puts the gun to his head and shouts, "God save the queen!" and shoots himself. Boudreaux asks for a fork. Puzzled, the chief hands him a fork, and Boudreaux starts stabbing himself all over his body, his stomach, his sides, his chest ... everywhere. As the blood begins gushing out all over, the chief is appalled and screams, "What are you doing?" Boudreaux looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, T-boy!"
  • So a cop pulls over a suspected drunk driver early one morning. He walks up to the driver's window and says, "I observed your erratic driving, I have reason to believe and do believe you are driving under the influence of alcohol, please blow into this breathalyzer." The drunk replies, "I'mmm serry osiffer (wheeze), but ye can't make ME (cough) do that (wheeze). The cop says, "Of course you realize that it is required by law except in extenuating circumstances, why do you refuse?" The drunk answers, "I'mmm gettin over lung cancer (gasp, wheeze), I jus had one of my (cough) lungs removed and if (cough) I (wheeze) blow hard, I could choke (cough) and die." The cop then says, "Well that is an unusual extenuating cicumstance, but of course we have a backup, we'll just go to the station and take a blood draw." The drunk shakes his head and replies, "An ye can't (gasp wheeze) make me do that neither (cough)." The cop says, "Of course you realize that it is required by law except in extenuating circumstances, why do you refuse?" The drunk sqints at his medic alert bracelet and mummbles, "Cause I'mmm a hemm off ... a heeemmuff ... a hemmop-hi ... o crap, I'm a bleeder (wheeze), if ya poke me wif a needle (cough) I could bleed to death." The cop then says, "Well that is an unusual extenuating cicumstance, but of course we have a backup, just step out of the car and walk a straight line please, sir." The drunk shakes his head and replies, "An there aint no way ye can't (gasp wheeze) make me do that neither (cough)." The cop sticks his head in the drunk's window, looks down, and says, "Well neither leg is amputated or in a cast, no wait, let me guess, you have multiple sclerosis ... no, muscular dystrophy ... no, palsy or polio ... ???" "Hell no," shouts the drunk, "I aint got no weird sicknesses (cough), I'm just too FFKKing PSSSed to walk."
  • A Canadian Mountie on a horse pulled over a kid on a bicycle and asked him where he got it. The kid said "From Santa Claus". So the Mountie said "He forgot to put a bell on it, I'm going to have to give you a ticket". So the kid asked the Mountie "Where did you get that horse?" The Mountie wanted to play with the kid and said "I got it from Santa Claus". So the kid said "Next time tell him to put the dick on the bottom of the horse and not on the top”.
  • women's rights! lol, j/k ladies
  • This traveler lost his way in the woods. Exhausted, thirsty and hungry, he was amazed to find a monastery and, since it was Friday night, their hospitality included fish and chips. Maybe it was just because he was so hungry, but they were so VERY good that he felt he had to compliment the chef. So he walked back into the kitchen and saw a man with a shaved head and an apron. "Pardon me," he said, "but I want to contemplate the chef. Are you the fish friar?" The brother said "No, I'm the chip monk."
  • How do you get a tissue to dance? Put a little boogey in it.
  • When is a door not a door? When it is ajar.
  • Jay Leno does......."President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are scheduled to testify before the 9/11 commission. I guess right now they're finalizing the seating arrangements. Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?" —Jay Leno
  • Once there was a jogger jogging to the store to get groceries. As he was jogging he bumped into another jogger. He excused himself, and continued jogging. He checked to see if he had his wallet just in case it wasn't a pit pocket. He noticed it wasn't there, and he started to chase the other jogger. He tackled him and screamed "Give me the wallet!" And the man gave him the wallet. As he went home his wife asked if he got the groceries. And he said no, but he had a good reason. And then his wife said, "yeah you left your wallet on the table."

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