Q: What's the difference between a German and a shopping trolley? A: A shopping trolley has a mind of its own. Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France? Germans like to march in the shade. After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be -- Bonn or Berlin -- a compromise was struck: Paris. Belgium's national motto: Belgium: Gateway to France! Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving. Q: What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany's best comedian? A: Only the first one can make you smile. Q: Why was the Dresden bombing a mistake ? A: The RAF made a (H)ASH of it! Q: How many people fron Dresden can you fit in a mini ? A: About 25000 if you've got a shovel Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant? The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power. Q: Have you heard about the new German microwave ? A: It's got ten seats inside. Q: Why don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans? A: They give them gas. Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German? A: A Beaner-Schnitzel

Little Jurgen So this history teacher in a German primary school sets the kids some homework - find out what your granddad did in WWII. Next day, she's asking questions round the class. "Vell Heike, Vot dit your grandvater do zen?" " Ach, he voz a locomotive driver" "Sehr gut, how are you knowing zis?" " Ve haf der picture und he is vearing his locomotive driver's uniform und you can see der grosse train..." "Ach, gut so, und Fritz, vot did your granvater do, heh?" " Mein grandvater voz a doctor" "Und how are you knowing zis Fritz?" " Ve have der picture von him und he is vearing his weisse coat und has a stethoscope..." "Das ist schone! Jurgen, vot about your grandvater zen?" "Mein grandvater voz an electrician" "Und tell me, how are you knowing zis information?" " Ve haf ein foto und he has two bolts of lightening on his hat!"

What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?

I was about to tell the one about a homeless man getting anally violated for a solid week by a rich dude... but I couldn't remember exactly how it goes to translate. Long story short, he blamed the beer.

A.How do you make a German Life ? B.Kill an entire race . its so wrong but its so funny .

Polish joke about German: what is the GERMAN formula to calculate how fast you can escape from auschwitz? = speed of weend x high of the chimney

O.K.. Being British, the vast majority of the German jokes I know are about the War... 1. What did the German kid say when he pushed his brother off a cliff? "Look, mother, no Hans!" 2. I'm very proud of my Grandfather. He shot down two German planes. Admittedly that was in 1972, but you can never be too careful! 3.My boss (who is German) had the audacity to tell me there is no 'I' in 'team'. However, he got quite upset when I casually pointed out that there is a 'U' in 'holocaust'... 4. I had a German plumber round the other day to fix my shower. He accidentally connected the gas supply to the water supply. I guess old habits die hard. Believe it or not.. that's me trying to keep it clean :)

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

I wish I could remember the jokes of this comedian from Comedy Central, who was apparently German and wore this funny looking ski hat. He had some Nazi jokes, but I didn't find his humor very funny. Guess that is why I can't remember one single joke. Maybe someone can tell me what his name is if you saw it about 2 nights ago. I don't think the audience liked his jokes much either.

Little Jurgen So this history teacher in a German primary school sets the kids some homework - find out what your granddad did in WWII. Next day, she's asking questions round the class. "Vell Heike, Vot dit your grandvater do zen?" " Ach, he voz a locomotive driver" "Sehr gut, how are you knowing zis?" " Ve haf der picture und he is vearing his locomotive driver's uniform und you can see der grosse train..." "Ach, gut so, und Fritz, vot did your granvater do, heh?" " Mein grandvater voz a doctor" "Und how are you knowing zis Fritz?" " Ve have der picture von him und he is vearing his weisse coat und has a stethoscope..." "Das ist schone! Jurgen, vot about your grandvater zen?" "Mein grandvater voz an electrician" "Und tell me, how are you knowing zis information?" " Ve haf ein foto und he has two bolts of lightening on his hat!"

Q: How did the Germans manage to conquer Poland so fast?? A: They marched in backwards,and the Poles thought they were leaving. Q: Have you heard about the new German Restaurant on the Berlinerplatz?? A: The food is great,but an hour later you're hungry for power.

Falling off

"Kohn beklagt sich bei Grün: Er habe einen Delikatessenladen in einer Straße voller Delikatessenläden eröffnet, links davon habe Blau seinen Delikatessenladen, rechts Mandelbaum. Beide Geschäfte florieren, nur zu ihm gehe niemand einkaufen. „Na, ist doch ganz einfach: Lass dir beim Standesamt einen andern Namen geben,“, schlägt ihm Grün vor, „Nennst dich halt Haupteingang!“" Source and further information: http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/J%C3%BCdischer_Witz Translation: "Kohn complains to Grün [Green]: He has opened a deli in a street full of delis, left of him has Blau [Blue] his deli, right of him has Mandelbaum [Almond] his deli. Both shops are flourishing, only to him nobody goes shopping. "Well, is quite simple: let them at the register office give you another name," Grün suggests, "call yourself "Haupteingang" [main entrance]! "" (the joke plays with the fact that most Jewish German took a German name, which was usually the name of some object).