A man is sitting at home one day when he starts to hear a voice. "Quit your job, sell your house, sell your car. Take the money and go to Vegas." Next day, while sitting at his desk at work, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, sell your car. Take the money and go to Vegas." And again the next day, while at the grocery store. "Quit your job, sell your house, sell your car. Take the money and go to Vegas." Again, the next day, he hears the same voice. And the next day, and the next. Everyday for 3 months he hears the same voice. "Quit your job, sell your house, sell your car. Take the money and go to Vegas." One day he can't take it anymore. He quits his job and sells everything he has and jumps on the first flight to Vegas. Landing in Vegas, he walks out of the airport and hails a cab. The voice says... "Go to a casino." He tells the cabbie, "Take me to the closest casino." Getting out of the cab at the casino, the voice tells him, "Go inside." So he goes in. "Go the the roulette table." Off he goes. "Black. 17," says the voice. The man puts all his money on 17. Black. The croupier spins the ball and it lands on.... 30. Red. The voice says, "Shit."

What do you do when your girlfriend/wife is limping around in the back yard, bleeding all over and screaming? Relax. Focus. Take a breath. Aim and shoot again.

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9” high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! “Where on earth did you get that?” says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.” So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish… just one wish… each person is only allowed one!” The bartender gets real excited Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!” A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, “Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.” “No shit!!” says the man, “Do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?!”

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so he gives her one _________________________________________ An old woman is standing outside a shop with her friend, looking at coats in the window. She points into the window and says "That's the one I'd get". Just then, a cyclops comes storming out of the shop and shouts "Screw you, you old hag"

George Bush is an intelligent man who does whats best for our country! LMAO!