They could say the following:

I am an HpV, HiV, and Genitle Herpes infected, transgender, hermophroditic, beastiality loving, white supremist, convited murderer, rapist, midwestern militia leader, who is obsessed with you, you family, and your culture."

Yeup, ........ I think that would just about be the thing I.would need to hear to break up.

Of course the fantasy you've outlined in you're question is about as likely to happen as my answer. . Jeje