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by brown eyed girl on March 9th, 2006

brown eyed girl

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I've lost all sexual attraction to my boyfriend whom I love and thought was "the one." Will it ever come back?

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  • by ggonnigan on March 17th, 2006

    ggonnigan

    I found this article helpful and accurate. I hope you will too (excerpted below) http://www.holisticwisdom.com/losing-sexual-desire.htm

    Most couples will lose sexual desire for one another during the course of a long term relationship. It is normal, it is to be expected and it is certainly something that most people can work through. It is not uncommon to look over at our partner and feel a loss of "sexual spark" that was once there.

    Any relationship is initially more exciting on the surface in the beginning then it ever will be throughout it's course because there is so much of the "unknown" going on. Wondering if they would call or if they were interested enough for another date; How you felt when you first felt your lips touch theirs The adrenaline coursing through your body from sexual arousal and something else... fears around vulnerability. True, the sexual arousal was high, but that vulnerability was a big part of what made the relationship "exciting." It is the source of man's greatest fear... the fear of the unknown.

    This is risky stuff... taking a chance on love and sex. Our body often gives us the same chemical high it would if we were jumping out of an airplane when we are falling in love and even lust. Yet, we cannot be healthy people and be in a constant state of anxiety. Thus, we become familiar and adapt to our environment, our new expectations and relationships.

    When it comes to love, we tend to overlook the "fear" and vulnerability aspect. We are not sure if they are right for us, if we are right for them and while we know that it is nerve racking to live in that state of unknown... it is terribly exciting. It is one of the ways we most feel alive... when we take such risks and make ourselves vulnerable.
    Shortly after our partner confirms their feelings and we reciprocate, the honeymoon begins. It is often the most euphoric part of the relationship... you are still basking in the glow of the big adrenaline rush, but now, you can better enjoy the sexual attraction and emotional connection because the fear is made less through a reassurance that you both have a mutual interest in one another.

    Then comes the part that many people think of as boring for the long-term. It is the period of a relationship when you are very familiar with one another. You have complete assurance that they want to go the distance with you and with that, the sexual heat often tends to mellow.
    In addition, it is during this time that the "real you" and the "real them" start to come out and all the things you dislike about yourself or were afraid they would dislike tend to come forward. Also, the little quirks that you found so "cute" about your partner often become annoyances and you realize that the rose colored glasses you were wearing when you thought they were the "perfect' person for you have come off.
    Here is where true intimacy can begin, but it requires communication, honesty, compromise, listening, compassion and understanding. It requires work.


    A beginning relationship is much like a beautiful potted plant. Nice, but it will require care... and now that you have a long-term relationship you and your partner are taking that plant and creating a garden of opportunity to have the kind of intimacy emotionally, mentally and physically that many people only dream of having. Ultimately you and your partner have to decide what you are willing to invest in it.
    When it comes to the gardening period, most people neglect and take one another for granted. The plant that represented all the passion in the beginning of the relationship wilts and it is the time when many couples begin to feel bored in their relationship.

    First, if you want to have a hot, passionate, long-term sex life... you need to take responsibility for your relationship. You need to communicate to get things out on the table about what your desires are and how you can have those met.

    The secret to a long and fulfilling relationship is to not just stay passionate about your relationship, but about life as well. It is through our perceptions that we create our reality. If we numb ourselves with television, and other forms of escape while neglecting our lives then we aren't truly living with passion and that carries over to the bedroom.
    It is when you decide to be passionate about your relationship and invest in it through your time and even money... much like taking care of your home or car... you will be rewarded through your efforts. Why wouldn't you invest in your relationship... it is supposed to outlast your car, your job and basically everything in you life so isn't it what needs the most TLC?

    What most people fail to understand is that really good sex is meaningful. To really understand what makes fantastic sex, think of the moments in your life when you have really been present with something... when you were not focused on a bunch of mind-chatter on surface things, but you were really "in" the moment.
    The best sexual adventures comes from deep intimacy as it is completely interconnected. This is not to say that you can only have intimacy with one partner, it is more about how you approach intimacy. Do you jump into bed to get off or do you make a point of really allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone. All your hopes, dreams, insecurities, pouring out through your eyes and your energy when you are with someone while sharing a sexual experience with them. When they are doing the same you, then you can both have mind shattering, whole body orgasms because you are surrendering every part of yourself to the sexual ecstasy, not just your genitals.

    That is why long-term relationships allow us to have deeper and more powerful connections, because it is through experience and time that we can reveal our ever changing and evolving self to them and they in turn to us.

    Most of us are caught up in our busy schedules, our preoccupation with tasks, and are guarding ourselves, keeping our truly vulnerable hearts hidden. Yet, it is when we let go and bring down our walls of defense that we can truly be known and know someone else.

    We are more than our genitals, we are more than an orgasm, we are a whole, complete person that requires multiple facets of passion in our lives... why stop at the physical surface?

    The suggestion is not that every time you have sex with your partner it has to be a Tantric, mind altering experience... sometimes it is fun to have a quickie, a funny role play, etc. through a physically focused sexual experience. When you or your partner are bored in your relationship... you both have to look into the mirror and there you will see the person making it boring!

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