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by Anonymous on July 22nd, 2005

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My boyfriend is very introverted. When I call him he doesn't say much, when I see him he doesnt say much, and when we really do talk we end up arguing. Is there something I can do to improve the communication between us?

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  • by Jack Scotty on July 22nd, 2005

    Jack Scotty

    It would be a good idea to evaluate yourself and how well you are really listening to him. As much as I am not trying to insult you or pick a fight, I would suggest that he doesn't say much because you are doing all of the talking which prevents him from getting a word in edgewise. And then when he finally gets sick of not getting his turn to talk, he probably says something out of anger in order to vent his frustrations which in turn causes an arguement.

    People who are very talkative tend to be poor listeners and even worse they sometimes tend to speak without thinking. Sometimes the best way to communicate is to say nothing at all and listen to what is being said. The majority of communication problems in relationships are a result of either or both people not willing to listen. They lack patience, jump to conclusions, and continue to talk thinking that it will resolve the situation.

    Typically everyone wants to talk and wants to be heard yet not many people are as eager or willing to listen. Whenever you feel that someone is not talking enough, its because you are not listening enough. And even though you arent talking does not necessarily mean that you are listening. No matter how much you try to prove it or deny it, anyone can determine if you aren't really listening to you. I had a girlfriend that talked too much. And when she wasnt talking she was thinking of the next thing that she wanted to say. I knew this because while I was talking there would be a disturbing silence from her that clearly said that her mind was someplace else. I didnt know if I was just talking out of left field or confusing her or scaring her or what so I would say something to the effect of, "...and thats what I would like to do if that makes any sense." and her response would always be, "I'm listening." Obviously she wasn't because that was not the question. And sometimes I would confront her with it and she would say, "Yeah, I was listening- You just said if I want to go to the mall later- er.. ummm.. OH, were you asking me a question?" Which led me to think to myself, "Nevermind.. you werent listening, and thats OK. I just wish you would have been honest about it." And over time I didnt have much to say to her.

    This brings me back to a time when I was at a party with my talkative girlfriend. She was having a discussion with her friends about the internet. She called me over to the group to help her prove that she was right about what she was saying. So after everyone shared their point with me, my girlfriend said, "Go ahead Jack- Tell them why I am right and they are wrong." Before I could utter 2 words, she went right back to talking about why she thinks that she was right about the internet and wouldnt stop talking for 10 minutes straight. I walked away as they continued their discussion. Later that night when I was taking her home she asked me, "Jack, why didn't you say anything when I needed you to help me prove my point?" Of couse she wouldnt have unsderstood if I explained it to her. So I simply said, "I'm sorry" and that was the end of that.

    So to sum it all up, if you want him to talk more, you must listen more and talk less. When you ask him a question, at least let him finish the answer before you start talking. If he has something to say, honestly listen to what he is saying rather than thinking of what you are going to say next. And if you find your mind drifting away where you stop listening to him, have the decency to say, "Sorry I wasn't listening" rather than pretending that you were by saying, "I'm listening"

    Comments

    • Very true. It really bites to be an introvert with a good friend/partner that is an extreme talker. When you actually want to say something important, you're interrupted immediately most of the time. So you talk less, and half your friends and family think that since you're quiet, you belong in an institution or something of that sort.

      Katerz

      by Katerz on July 12th, 2008

    • wow i love ur comment,i do the same thing to my boyfriend,but i'm trying my best to talk less and listen to him more,Everything you wrote is so true:)

      Sweety

      by Sweety on March 16th, 2009

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