ANSWERS: 47
  • Because he's an A**hole! It may not be the most eloquant way of putting things but really after contemplating an answer for this for quite some time, it wes really the best one I could come up with, what other word could quite capture the essence of the man's character. Now there may be several reasons for him being this way, right down to he is unaware of the adverse affect he is having on the emotions of his significant other with his mental abuse, in which case, he is a self centered, run of the mill A**hole, and he's even more of one if he knows what he is doing. If the abuse is physical, well then, he is an exceptional A**hole, the worst of the bunch, a coward who preys on those physically weaker than he is, he knows what he does is wrong, because society, time and again has deemed this as unexceptable behavior, through laws, villan portrayal in movies etc. and he still chooses not to change. The shame is that the abused person probably thinks its them, that they caused it! And that is right up his ally, thats the desired result. He may even love the woman, and feel that this control will keep her close by his side, and it does, she's afraid to leave. So just because a man says he loves you, it doesn't mean he can't be an A**hole! *********************************************** Sorry Folks! I wouldn't even have thought that was a "cussword" but in the interest of being politically correct on this site, I will sensor my answer, but not the sentiment, he IS one! ...and I still say no other word could quite capture the essence of the man's character, he KNOWS this is wrong. My sincerest apologies.
  • In my experience there are two types of abusers. There are those who simply enjoy seeing others in pain. Then there are those who love the people they abuse very much but don't know how to have an appropriate relationship. If these people choose to they can get help but only if the choose to get it. I know this answer will not be a popular one but it is what I truly believe. Edit: I told you most people would disagree.
  • Maybe you should be asking: "If a man abuses you, why would he say he loves you?" In that case, it's because he gets a kick out of hurting you and wants to keep you around to do it some more (afterall, not just any person would let themselves be abused). I get the feeling that you at least know that he doesn't really love you (not in a good way, at least) and that's why you said that he "says he loves you" rather than he "loves you." That's a good start. Now, get out of this situation because you deserve better.
  • I don't completely agree with these answers. They all sort of sound like the abuser is "the bad guy." I think abusers are out of control people that don't know how to manage their feelings. They act out their attachment to their own selfish wants through their abuse because they don't know a better way. Abusers need help -- and it doesn't help them to keep on letting them abuse you. Draw a line -- if your lover can't honor the line -- move on... and pray your lover get's the help he needs. re: Excuses comment: This is not an excuse -- I just don't like to classify everything as either "good guy" or "bad guy". Most abusers are conditioned ones -- they were brought up with abuse, it's communication they were forced to learn. Abusers are usually in denial -- they would say they don't know it when they do it. Only after the behavior has occured do they get a glimpse of their problem. They do often make excuses for themself. That's why you must draw the line and move on... without help, the abuser won't change.
  • Peter and Aunty Em are correct in what they say. Abusiveness really is a social and personality disorder. Some people have problems with controlling frustration and anger, and are not equipped to vent these feelings in an acceptable way. This is characterised by fits of rage in otherwise seemingly normal people. These people can be quite explosive and dangerous, but when the episode is over, they are genuinely remorseful and shameful, and will swing around to the opposite extreme, trying to make up with gifts and apologies and 'loving' behaviour. These people are trapped in a vicious cycle of rage and remorse that will only be broken if they can learn to harness their anger. Other people were subjected to the same treatment as a child, and grow up seeing it as the 'normal'. They are shown that it is 'normal' to take out their anger on people. Usually they will have developed an anger management problem from the psychological effects of being abused themselves. These people are brought up with the mentality of their parents - all the excuses and justifications they once used, now this person will use. Some men will react violently when they feel that they are out of control. It is a last ditch effort to regain control by subduing everything around. This person may not just lash out at spouse and family, but at anything and everything. In this case you would probably see visible displays of extreme anger and hostility towards anything that he sees as a threat to his control. The final type of 'violent' abuser that I can think of would be the sadist. This person inflicts pain and abuse for the simple fact that he gets a kick out of it. This activity is usually a symptom of a much deeper mental disorder. This person would inflict pain without any provocation, and would show no remorse whatsoever. In any case he may manipulate the victim as well, with th esole purpose of making them believe that it is normal and they deserve it. In short, he seeks to gain pleasure from the other person's misery. Abuse is not just physical, though. Just as much damage is done through emotional blackmail and mental abuse. The tongue can carve lashes in a person just as deep as a knife could.
  • Its lack of love and respect. con artists have very smoooooth ways of convincing someone, that they love them......just to get them in the sack. after the action is over, the true abuser, resurfaces and once again, you are the victim. its a vicious cycle, that only you can stop. the abuser will never change. abuse can lead to injury and death. its your life. leave now, while you can.
  • He wouldn't! He doesn't know what love really is, in all seriousness. If you're in an abusive relationship, then you need to get out. Otherwise, you'll have serious problems such as emotional trauma not to mention physical trauma. Your life is priceless and no woman nor child, for that matter, should have to endure any form of abuse. Don't put up with it. Respect yourself and get out of that relationship--the quicker that you do, the better off you'll be both emotionally and physically. You may also wish to seek professional counseling because being a victim of abuse isn't easy to deal with. In most cases, if you can't afford to pay for counseling services, then the local Mental Health Mental Retardation center in your local city or town should be able to help you either free, or based upon your ability to pay. Incidentally, don't blame yourself for this person's behavior. It's NEVER okay to hit a woman. You don't have to put with this behavior and if anything you're doing him a favor by putting up with his abuse. Don't be a victim. Repsect yourself and get outta there and don't fall into the trap that it's your fault because it's NEVER your fault and also don't fall into the trap that he'll never do it again, or he'll change, or whatever. These are useless words used to manipulate you into coming back and are empty words and you can't change him. ONLY he can change his own behavior. He needs psychological counseling and you need counseling, in order, to deal with the trauma that you've endured, in order, to help you feel better about yourself and not accept someone else's abuse. Bottom line: Get out of this relationship as soon as possible and get yourself counseling, so you can ensure that you get the proper help that you need to overcome the emotional & physical trauma you've experienced. I hope this helps & good luck with your situation!
  • cause he dosnt love you. also he may not know how to love. leave leave leave before it costs you your life. trust me
  • It is not about you. It is about him. An abuser will abuse anyone he can control. He may or may not "love" you in his own way, but that is irrelevant. He has unresolved issues within himself that confuse love with dominance and many other unhealthy emotions. You must never allow yourself to believe it is about you and you must not "need" him. He will not get any better and you will not be safe as long as he has you to punch around. Please, please, please love yourself and get to a safe place.
  • He is obviously a d*ckhead, as someone that truly loved you would not abuse you. About time someone sorted him out i reckon.
  • You should (secretly) get advice at a women's shelter, because if he thinks you may leave he may kill you (and himself). I would guess that this is behind some of the horrendous murder-suicides we hear of so often, where a man kills his whole family and then himself. Plan your escape, but do so very carefully.
  • some men and women just seem to not be able to control themselves. alot of times they grew up in a violent household. if he is abusing you please seek help. Choices or another womens help center. My 28 year old daughter was murdered 1 year ago by her boyfriend during a fight bless you get help now please
  • Love can never be abusive. Love is gentle, tender, giving, selfless, and forgiving. It is control-freak those say they love you, but possess you for their own good, not yours. They have their agenda behind every move. Walk away from such relationships, it will hurt you the most in the end.
  • Because he has a twisted view of what love is, and how to express it. Many abusive relationships are what the experts call "enmeshed." Too darn close. One can't breathe without the other watching every inhale. An abuser will think, "I love my wife, so I must do everything I can do to keep her with me. I must not ever give her a chance to get away." (Most of the time it is a man abusing a woman, but it does happen the other way around.) This is where the insane jealousy comes in, leading to things like checking the mileage on the car to see if she's been anywhere he doesn't know about. The abuser is very insecure, perhaps knowing that he is a crumb, and she could do much better. Knowing, then, that if given a choice, a self-respecting person would leave his sorry butt, the abuser will then do everything to make sure she is no longer a self-respecting person. (Did that make sense?)
  • Simply put; It's a form of empowerment.
  • As friends and lovers get to know me - they will find they like me more and more. My good qualities get better and better. Some people think that they can show and share their dark side, even more and more as you get to know them better. A person who thinks of himself (or herself) as an abuser will abuse you more and more the better you get know him. To him that is what love is.
  • That's not love hon.The best thing for you to know is that it's not you..it's them.Sounds like there are some serious issues that they have to deal with.I would suggest they get serious counseling to learn how to control their anger.If you are being physically or emotionally abused you should get out of the relationship.You need to take care of you.They obviously don't know how to show love.Love should not cause physical or emotional pain.Most of all,you should know that you can't change them.They have to change themselves.I'm all for sticking through the bad times,but not when there is physical or serious emotional abuse.
  • Because he/she need's some serious HELP - And you staying in this relationship just give's him/her more and more power over you - Move On -- Get away !! -- Pattijo
  • words mean nothing to SOME men. I know this from experience
  • Because we feel threatened when woman go with other men, even for something non-romantic. It's all based on human insecurities.
  • k sweetie, if he says he loves u and beats u he must have had sum type of trauma growing up w/ him and he has 2 reinact that trauma bc he thinks thats the right thing! u should try 2 help him
  • To deceive you. He doesn't even love himself. Get out and get support. e.g. battered women's shelter, etc. Remember, you are not just living for yourself. You're living for those that love and care for you as well as for those lives that you will have yet to touch and affect. Please don't short circuit your life but remaining in a cycle of abuse.
  • Hurt people hurt people.
  • The reason a man feels he can hit you when you are in a relationship and still say he loves you is for a few reasons. The main reason I could think of is he got too comfortrable with the person and he thinks he is a part of you. Just like his arm or leg. Now that you are one, he feels it's okay. He feels he needs to be in control of everything, and when it does not go his way, you are an outlet. Then when he see's that you still stick around, he say's he loves you because he can now recognize what he has done once he has calmed down. He appreciates that you can tolerate his agressiveness and abusive behavior with out telling anyone. So now the whole world loves him, he can do no wrong. Why? He has ventilated on you. Most peole love to feel like they are the ones that will change this mans life, and it is true, you might by sending him to prison once he has killed you or your kids. Men who think this way might think they are too smart to be caught, or they may of had a childhood with no love or support from their parents. I am not saying they got beat as kids, but they might of been emotionaly (physicaly etc.) abused as kids by someone they look up to, like a parental figure, or a brother, or seen someone take the abuse. Years of frustration bottle up, and he learns these way's. This is how his concept of what a "family" is created, and most people want to connect the words family and love.
  • He doesnt love you. Domestic Violence is about power and control. It is a learned behavior, not a mental illness. The abuser’s experience as a child, and the messages they have gotten from society in general, tell them that violence is an effective way to achieve power and control over their partner’s behavior. Those who batter are accountable for their own actions. Viewing them as “sick” wrongly excuses them from taking responsibility for their behavior. Domestic Violence does not represent a loss of control, but a way of achieving it. It is a conscious choice. Many abusers are not violent in other relationships. They may be charming and loveable in a social situation, yet display extreme violence in the privacy of the home. Seeing only the sociable side of the abuser can make it difficult to believe abusers are capable of such violent behavior. Bottom line is it is a choice he is making to be able to gain power and controll. Love is not about power and controll.
  • cuz in his head he loves you but in realty he doesnt leave before he goes to far and yiour 6 feet under please. ive been there please leave
  • some times people are out of their mind and they abuse persons whom they love the most.Generally men do it due to various reasons.may be due to external factors like work load or any other tension they just run out of themselves and end up hurting their loved ones but really they dont intend to do so.So its up to their better halves to keep cool and manage the situation as women are considered the store house of patience.Understand the situation and let it get calmed.
  • He says that to make you weak and vulnerable so he can control you like a puppet until he's done or you wise up.
  • my ex abused me, worse than i can say.. and during that time i realized why, he loved me so much that he was afraid to lose me, and he felt that by scaring me and controlling me i would never leave him. but guess what....
  • He wants the Power.
  • I think that would depend on his perception of how to love someone. You learn these things at a very young age.
  • Actions Speak Much LOUDER than words.
  • Someone who actually feels and/or experiences love has no need to abuse another. This person sounds as though they they have strong feelings and through life experience interpret those feelings as love.
  • I was dating my bf for 4 years, we had love many people can only dream about. We had great friendship and and support for each other. But he had anger problems and jealousy. So one day he got drunk and we started to fight and he hit me many many times...I end up in emergency room that night. He regrets about what he have done to me.He is heart broken now just like I am. Everyone keeps telling me that there is no turn back and I can never go back to him because if man does it ones he will do it again...please tell me what you think? I will never stop loving him and even after what he have done I just cant hate him....what should I do? Thanks
  • Because he lies.
  • No man who truly loves you will abuse you. He will respect you and treat you with dignity, caring and affection. Love, real love, does not keep company with abuse of any kind. When an abuser says, "I love you" that is code for "I own you" which he most certainly does not. Abusers are insecure control freaks who will say anything to manipulate their victims. Don't be a victim.
  • Well, that is probably what he thinks love is. When he was younger, he probably got abused by people that he thought loved him. so now, as an adult, he says he loves you, yet, abuses you, because thats what he believes is right. you should really look into his past. and maybe that will give you a justified answer.
  • If he abuses you, then he doesn't love you for real. He only loves the fact that you are there.
  • A man can say anything he wishes but unless he's severely mentally ill, it's not possible to genuinely love someone as your own body and abuse them. It could be need, it could be obsession, it could be insecurity but it's not love.
  • What he says is his words, what he does is actually his true self. In this case, he did not love u.
  • Here's what to do.. one night when his's is sleeping, take a rop and bind him up, and set back and beat the living lights out of him, and every time that you knock the snot out of him, ask him, does it hurt!!! and if he said yeah yeah.. plz stop... Ask him to stop using you as a punching bag as well. but be sure before you let him go... SOCK him one more.. POW!
  • Because he does not love himself..
  • a man that does that its normaly coz of power and he has total control over you and he uses love as a excuse to do this but there is no excuse for this behavure
  • I think it has alot to do with his upbringing. I've been in this situation, and my ex-boyfriend used to blame it on the way he saw his father treat his mother and the way his father treated him. Which isn't an excuse. If he wants to be better than his father, the abuse needs to stop. They abuse you when they know that they have you "hooked" and they see you as theirs. In some twisted way, they think by abusing you somehow you won't leave.
  • hes losing his job & i dont know how to get out of this I have two boys 14 & 18 they love they're daddy, they're just speechless I think they're just afraid of him, they are so confused they just think everything will work out, because of the ups & downs. I scared and have no support or money to do with. this is not a answer its another ?.
  • Because he doesnt love you...he just thinks he does
  • if he loved you, he would not abuse you. it's truly as simpla as that.

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