• Dear [Insert friend's name here], Due to having a number of unavoidable meetings with other colleages, I simply cannot attend your birthday party next week. You'll understand that I have many more important things to do than get pissed, and can quite frankly replicate the entire party on any weekend I choose. Not that I mean to be offensive in any way, of course, but the idea of being stuck in a room with you while you're inebriated is truly repulsive. I never have liked you anyway, but feel that now, as it nears your special day, it is the right time to tell you. Don't have too much fun without me, and don't worry about me. I'll have far much more fun being two-faced and bitching about you behind your back. Regards, [Insert your name here] I think that covers it...

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