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by TheAnswerer on January 12th, 2008

TheAnswerer

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I just wrote a short story for school. Could you please proof-read it and see if anything doesn't make sense? (Story inside)

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Answers. 6 helpful answers below.

  • by kazzzy on January 12th, 2008

    kazzzy

    Looks really good. A few typos:

    "Immediately after getting of the boat," should be "off the boat" (correcting the word off).

    "There were also four other solider," should be "other soldiers" (adding an S).

    I don't think the word "lied" is used incorrectly throughout. I'm thinking it should be "lay down" or "laid down"... I'd look up the rules on how to use that word; sorry I don't know it off the top of my head.

    Is the tale set in France? Should the distance signs be in kilometers instead of miles? Goes towards authenticity.

    A lot of your sentences start with "He ..."; I would look at maybe mixing it up a bit by starting with the verb instead. For example try, "Looking at his leg, he found three pieces of glass that had found their way deep into his flesh." or "As the only survivor, he only received cuts to the face because, luckily, he was farther away from the grenade than the others. "

    Nicely done and hope you get a good grade on it. :)

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  • by Luckylincoln13 on January 12th, 2008

    Luckylincoln13

    Looks good, and that's a fine length. Whoever said that was too long, probably doesn't understand what the "short" means. Anyways I ony found a couple of things.
    You said “Only a 49 miles to go.” I would probably take that a out.
    Limping and stopping around thirty times on the 29 miles he had come had taken all the energy out of him. I don't see many things wrong with this line it's just somewhat confusing, I would recommend editing it for better clarity.

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  • by TheAnswerer on January 12th, 2008

    TheAnswerer

    Road to Dayuex
    By Chan Kwon

    “He Sie, was machen Sie?” said a voice. Private James Harksons looked behind him and saw a Nazi soldier standing with his gun drawn. Harksons looked at him, and then started running toward the buildings. The Nazi started shooting at him and, Harksons dived into what used to be a barber shop through a broken window. He lied down panting and trying not to yell out in pain. He looked at his leg and found three pieces of glass that had found their way deep into his leg. He loaded his M1 Garand and aimed outside. The solider was running towards the shop he was in. Harksons aimed and shot three times. The Nazi dropped immediately and there was a blood puddle in a matter of seconds. Harksons settled back down and rested. It had been almost six hours since the 3rd Canadian Infantry Division had anchored onto Juno beach. Immediately after getting of the boat, Private Morris, Private Craig, Private Schroeder, and Colonel Wilson had been literally blown up. He had been the only survivor. He had only received cuts to the face because luckily, he was farther away from the grenade than the others. He had escaped chaos and found refuge in a small village off the beach. After resting for only a couple of minutes, being a resilient guy, he got up and looked around for any other soldiers. He heard a motor and limped back into the shop. A Nazi jeep passed and the motor slowly faded away. He got back up and started limping along the side of the road, his gun drawn. There was a very rusty sign on the side of the road with an arrow saying, “Le village de Dayeux, 50 miles.” That was what where the 3rd Canadian Infantry Division had set up base camp if they had made it through the beach. Harksons did not know and had no indication that the base was there, but he had to take the chance. What else could he do? He limped along the road thinking, “Only a 49 miles to go.”
    After three hours of relentless limping, he reached another village. He found out that the village was called Servette courtesy of another rusty sign. The sign also stated that there were twenty miles to Bayeux. He sighed and walked through the village looking at the buildings. He sat down in an alleyway behind a crate and examined his leg. The cuts made from the glass inside his leg were swollen. He had nothing to treat his injuries and was worried that he would get an infection. He knew it was best to keep the glass inside. Taking it out could make him more vulnerable to infection. He had no energy left in him. Limping and stopping around thirty times on the 29 miles he had come had taken all the energy out of him. He lied down for the thirtieth time to rest. He closed his eyes and sleep swarmed into him.
    He woke up to the sound of voices and yelling. He looked around; he was still in the alley he had lied down in to sleep. There were five Nazis talking among them selves holding rifles on the street. There were also four other solider, whom looked to be British soldiers on their knees and tied up. Then one of the Nazi soldiers lifted up their rifles and shot each one of them on the head. Fury and asperity boiled up inside him. He couldn’t hold himself back. He took out his rifle and shot the Nazis all in the head, then he lied back down and started crying.
    Harksons almost cried again when he saw the sign, this one not rusty saying, “Bayeux, 1 mile.” He increased his limping speed up a notch, eager to get some proper rest. He started to see buildings in the distance. Five minutes passed and he encountered another sign, “Village de Bayeux.” He limped along the final feet of the road he had traveled for the past few days. “Hands up!” came a voice from beside him. Harksons lifted his arms. “It’s him,” then suddenly, three soldiers suddenly came up beside him and carefully lifted him. They carried him to a building, and laid him down. Harksons fell asleep immediately.
    He stood, tears blurring his vision. It had been four years, but he still couldn’t forget. They had been his partners, friends, and family. They had fought through hard times for three years and they hadn't stopped that day. They were determined son of a guns, and nothing would stop them, except that damned grenade. He walked away from the five stones, standing tall just like the people the stones represented.

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  • by lazaruslong138 on January 12th, 2008

    lazaruslong138

    i am new here and really dont know how to find the story-could you give me a heads up and i will proof it for you-smile and enjoy the night

    need to check your spelling a lot of it is spelled wrong for the context of the word-suggest using grammer check--it is a little sporatic and bounces from one scene to another with little to fill in between but the ending has great potential-slight bit of re-writing and you should score well with it----
    enjoy the night

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  • by Da Azian Boi on January 12th, 2008

    Da Azian Boi

    Did you take it off?

    It's a very good story. Except for “Only a 49 miles to go.”. It should be "Only 49 miles to go." Other than that its good.

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  • by kazzzy on January 12th, 2008

    kazzzy

    Where's it posted at? I can help proof-read it.

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