by 
skittles
ANSWERS: 7
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Let the dam break and the waves rush in to fill your unconscious mind. Let them take you, surround you, engulf you, and spin your listless body. Let the current drag you down into a world unseen. A vision so lucid. A body so limp. A certain passivity in this place of muffled sounds, eerie sensations, and frightened visions. Disquieting thrashes. This water, these waves are no longer a dream. This listless body begins to struggle. Lungs gasping for air. Nightmares awaken you. Reveries unfinished.
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Why do yo want to make it better? Does it convey what you were after? Be careful taking advice on your poetry. Just keep writing & come back to your poem after some time (weeks, months) & reread it. See if you think it needs changes after you gain some distance.
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I think its great. You could turn it into this kind of psychedelic rock song.
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Give it a title. "Down, Down, deeper and down"
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since it's your thoughts, no one can really tell you what to do to change it! then it wouldn't be yours. buut one thing you could do for fun is make it a concrete poem (aka shape poem). it would be pretty cool if it went down in the shape of a river or waves or something.
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"Let the current drag you down into a world unseen." I would maybe add another verse to this, so it evens out. I was almost expecting another line.
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Rhyme and meter would help. But then I'm a traditionalist and see most modern poetry as poorly spaced prose.
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