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About Passive Aggressive Relatives
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
InstructionsTypesStep 1: There are two types of passive-aggressive relatives. Some occasionally exhibit passive-aggressive behaviors, while others make a habitual pattern of them. Psychiatrists used to refer to this second type of passive-aggressive person as having passive-aggressive personality disorder, but the American Psychiatric Association no longer officially make this diagnosis. (See Resources.) Relatives who occasionally display passive-aggressive behaviors may use these behaviors to cope with a specific situation, but for the others, these behaviors are a way of life--a method of dealing with anything they don't want to do. While an aunt, sibling, cousin, spouse, parent or any type of relative can be passive-aggressive, first-born children are at greater risk of developing the behavior. (See Resources.)
IdentificationStep 1: You can often identify a passive-aggressive relative by the behaviors he exhibits. The following behaviors are common among passive-aggressive relatives:
"Forgetting" to do things on purpose, like the husband who was asked to bring home milk and does not.
Always being late for family dinners and events, even though the latecomer knew the time said event was scheduled to start.
Procrastinating and putting off getting together with other family members.
Saying they'll do something but not following through, like committing to help an aunt repair a sink at a specific time and not showing up.
Lying about why they can't attend a family reunion or make it to a child's sporting event.
Criticizing others in indirect and subtle ways, like saying a child is getting "big" when they really mean "fat."
Having a negative attitude about another family member's successes. (See Resources.)
FunctionStep 1: People use passive-aggressive behaviors as a coping tool to express their hostility in passive ways. Instead of saying she doesn't want to do something, a passive-aggressive person puts on a happy face and agrees to do it anyway, even though she feels angry inside. She then finds an indirect way of protesting. This could entail not following through on doing what she said she was going to do or performing at a clearly lower standard than what was expected or agreed to. A perfect example of how a relative uses passive-aggression is when a mother-in-law commits to babysitting, then shows up so late that she causes you to miss your dinner reservations.
ConsiderationsStep 1: Passive-aggressive relatives sometimes suffer from fears that prevent them from being direct communicators. Because a passive-aggressive relative likes to please people and may have fears of rejection and failure, he will avoid saying "no" at all costs. Passive-aggressive behaviors are meant to anger the relative they are directed toward, so ignoring the behaviors can sometimes make them go away. Another way to deal with a passive-aggressive relative is to stop making requests of him. For example, if a relative keeps committing to come to a child's baseball game but never shows up, stop inviting them to get this problem to cease.
Theories/SpeculationStep 1: Family dynamics can help determine if a person will have passive-aggressive tendencies. Some passive-aggressive behaviors are thought to arise from specific childhood experiences. If an aunt had a controlling parent who did not allow her to express herself, or a parent who punished her for directly disagreeing, the aunt may have adopted passive-aggressive behaviors to cope with that parent. (See Resources.)
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