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by I love my baby on February 12th, 2007

I love my baby

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I Lost the Love of my Life Jan 26, Can ppl really go crazy with grief? or does everyone feel this way?

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  • by Stableboy on April 6th, 2007

    Stableboy

    No one wants to be where you are... the pain must be intense, like you've fallen into a well and don't even know which way is up. Losing someone you love is the hardest thing life has to offer I think.

    People will do their best to offer compassion and solace; but of course there's a limit to what any of us can do... you're the one who has to go through the pain and find the road to healing.

    I will add my condolences to the stack, and offer best wishes for you and all who knew him.

    But there is something I have to say about your question which may or may not be understandable in your current state... so I'll leave it on the table for you to consider:

    When bad things happen, it's only natural that we want to escape from them -- insulate ourselves, try to hold everything together, try to make things better. That's just human nature... nobody wants to be in pain or live with tragic loss.

    There is a natural process to healing. We all have the ability to close enormous wounds and return to life wiser and whole again -- there's an amazing resilience to being human, and as horrible as the break in your world may be, you also have this capacity to heal.

    However, often we don't understand how the healing process works, and we fight against the natural flow of it. Part of this natural flow is the sense of being "broken" by the tragedy: that out-of-control "can't handle it" fear and pain, the sense that we're being ripped apart and won't be able to remain ourselves in the face of the pain.

    When a person gets to that point, it's actually a mistake to fight back and try to hold it together. It's a mistake to resist the "coming apart" of the self. It's as if our "self" has to break apart so that a new one can come into being... a new one which is deeper and can hold the tragedy. It's like discarding an old container which was too small so that a new one can grow.

    Your old self isn't big enough to hold the horror and shock and loss -- and the sense that it's coming apart is very frightening. But allowing it to come apart -- to cry, to scream, to let yourself do things you haven't done before, to give up trying to keep it all together... at that point, these are actually the correct path.

    When we finally confront the breakdown of who we think we are in the face of pain, it's like riding the rapids in a small boat and not knowing whether the next waterfall is survivable. But in that "letting go" and just riding -- experiencing your feelings, noticing your breath going in and out, listening to the thoughts go by -- another way opens up: a larger possibility -- the ability to just BE with the pain and loss as it is, without hanging on to anything or clinging to your hopes or ideas of how things should be.

    Allowing ourselves to fall apart is what makes room for the next larger self... that "larger container" cannot emerge while we're holding on to the smaller one. And only that larger container is big enough to heal a rift as horrible as losing the love of your life.

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