ANSWERS: 12
  • I do, I read my inbox almost everyday. Edit: LOL
  • I'd think about it, but if I got one from Capt. Jack I'd probably ignore it. Just saying. :) I've taken the citizenship test, it is kind of hard.
  • The state of our educational system today!! Wal-Mart Cake It took me a second, but make sure you read the story under the picture. Keep in mind this actually really did happen. This is someone who was moving from an insurance claims office. Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went: Walmart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?' Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.' Walmart Employee: 'What you want on the cake?' Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'. STOP LAUGHING! You can't fix stupid
  • http://www.snopes.com/politics/war/sendler.asp The prize doesn't always go to the most deserving--see below and you will see why: Irena Sendler (pictured) There recently was a death of a 98 year-old lady named Irena. During WWII, Irena, got permission to work in the Warsaw Ghetto, as a Plumbing/Sewer specialist. She had an 'ulterior motive' ... She KNEW what the Nazi's plans were for the Jews, (being German.) Irena smuggled infants out in the bottom of the tool box she carried and she carried in the back of her truck a burlap sack, (for larger kids.) She also had a dog in the back that she trained to bark when the Nazi soldiers let her in and out of the ghetto. The soldiers of course wanted nothing to do with the dog and the barking covered the kids/infants noises. During her time of doing this, she managed to smuggle out and save 2500 kids/infants. She was caught, and the Nazi's broke both her legs, arms and beat her severely. Irena kept a record of the names of all the kids she smuggled out and kept them in a glass jar, buried under a tree in her back yard. After the war, she tried to locate any parents that may have survived it and reunited the family. Most of course had been gassed. Those kids she helped got placed into foster family homes or adopted. Last year Irena was up for the Nobel Peace Prize ... She was not selected. Al Gore won, for a slide show on Global Warming. Sorta makes your stomach turn over doesn't it?
  • Towards the end a day at the golf course, Bruce hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden . . POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!! Then POOF! . she was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?' Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.' Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING , FRED!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SWING!!!
  • Subject: Post turtle While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually, the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'.' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.' The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there.'
  • THE RCMP OFFICER A Mountie stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The 'Motorist' instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an 'AH' in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'Violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the 'AH' and demands to know what it stands for. The Mountie says, 'That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Asshole!' Two months later they're in court. The 'Violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; 'Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?' Officer responds, 'Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top. Lawyer: 'Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?' Officer: 'Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH,' underlined.' Lawyer: 'What does the AH stand for, officer?' Officer: 'Aggressive and Hostile Sir.' Lawyer: 'Aggressive and hostile?' Officer: 'Yes Sir? Lawyer: 'Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?' Officer: 'Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!'
  • We always have time for emails...send/receive/respond...send/receive/respond. Love 'em..way better than the phone..way faster than writing letters..way cheaper than actually traveling to visit everyone...way safer, 'cause if you say something not so nice no one can reach out and "touch" you!! :) Happy Monday! :) Hip hip hooray for emails! :)
  • Of course. I love email. It allows us to communicate with so many more without taking an enormous amount of time from our other responsibilities. Unlike the telephone or running back and forth to the post office.
  • Since occasionally we have to have them!! FUNNY - THE LAST ONE IS THE BEST Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.... . A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.' 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' And the best one of all.. 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
  • Subject: 7 Reasons Not To Mess w/Children A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him". A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute." A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, < /B> 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. " A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
  • Home Depot customer My Friends, I give you "THE DUMBEST GUY ON EARTH!" This picture is real - not doctored in any way - and was taken by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers building materials for 84 Lumber. When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he went to buy a camera to take pictures. Read on.................. The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust. The driver finally came back after the police were called, and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the load! Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed. The materials were loaded at Home Depot. Their store manager said they made the customer sign a waiver. While the plywood and 2X4's are fairly obvious, what you can't see is the back seat, which contains (are you ready for this?) 10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each. They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs. Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the rear shocks were driven through the floorboard. And these people VOTE and walk among us!

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