• I have a very dirty mind. It has brought me neither success nor failure. William N. copley My fatherland can f**k your motherland. William N. Copley Housewife: Am I too late for the garbage? Garbage man: No, Jump in! Groucho Marx
  • Lady Nancy Astor: "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea." Churchill: "Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.” love my Winston
  • This quote has been associated with Jack Nicholson: A very attractive woman approached him at a party and asked, "Would you like to dance?" Nicholson responds, "Wrong verb." And off they went...
  • When it comes to giving.....some people stop at nothing.
  • "I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!" - George Carlin
  • "well that depends on what the definition of is, is?" - Bill Clinton
  • "Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow." - Steven Wright.
  • “I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...." End of argument.” -Bill Hicks
  • Almost doens't mean shit. If you are in a fight for your life & you ALMOST win, you're fucking dead, right?? That's mine.
  • "Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone."
  • "I'm not suicidal, except when I drink. That's why we don't all drink at the same time, there'd be no-one alive to drive home..."
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist, they won't expect it back. Evening news is when they say "Good evening," and then tell you why it isn't. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Mother spend the first 2 years of their children's lives teaching them to talk and walk. The next 16 years they spend trying to teach them to sit down and shut up. "I love to give homemade gifts. Which of my children would you like??" Anyone who says "Like taking candy from a baby," has obviously never tried it.
  • Three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • Dorothy Parker when challenged to use the word 'horticulture' in a sentence: "You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think." Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. -Author unknown Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things. — Woody Allen You could be an idiot or you could be a congressman, but I repeat myself. —Mark Twain I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. -Douglas Adams Are you looking for a theme? I have a 142 page Word document full of quotations.
  • Absolutely anything by Terry Pratchett- here are a few- There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half-full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half-empty. The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: "What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!" "Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying "End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH," the paint wouldn't even have time to dry." ""Insanity is catching."" "Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness." "This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic." "Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil... prayer, fasting, good works and so on. Up until Doom, no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun. Eat leaden death, demon..." I know, it's quite a few- but I really couldn't decide.
  • From the moment I picked up your book untill the moment i put it down I laughed convulsively, Someday I intend to read it. Groucho Marx
  • Someone is boring me. I think it's me. Dylan Thomas
  • A woman has to do twice as much as a man to be considered half as much... Thankfully, that isnt too hard. ~+~
  • "Marriage changes you. I can't leave my iron on a shirt to see how long it takes to burn through, then go buy a new shirt. Suddenly that's 'wrong'..." -Scott Adams "Near miss? No, my friends, that's a near HIT! You know what a near miss is? A Crash! As in, 'Oh, they nearly missed.' 'Yes, but not quite.'" -George Carlin
  • 'Men should be like Kleenex. Soft, strong and disposable' 'I believe in life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life'

Copyright 2020, Wired Ivy, LLC

Answerbag | Terms of Service | Privacy Policy