ANSWERS: 35
  • If she says she should be more important than you own flesh and blood (who are IRREPLACEABLE), she should GO. That is the most selfish, rotten thing I've ever heard. You never put ANYONE or ANYTHING above your children! Ever!
  • You may love her, but i promise you, your children will come first. Its just natural. you cannot hide this feeling, because blood is thicker than water and your children come first. i sense some really bad relationship problems coming your way. this woman has already expressed her feelings toward you and your children. I would look for someone else. I would feel that equality would only work, if she had a better feeling, concerning your children.
  • She is with someone that has children...from the beginning she should expect to come after them. If the roles were reversed would you respect her if she made you her priority and not her kids? Just my opinion.
  • She definitely comes after your kids do, and if she disagrees or thinks otherwise then give her the boot! From the get go she needs to understand that your kids are first in your book, don't let her try & change that. women can come & go, but you will never be able to replace your kids. ever.
  • I agree with you that they are equally important. What she's asking you to do is to love her more than you love your children. If she thinks that love is an emotion that can be measured and doled out according to some rule of her making then she is no more than a child herself. She needs to grow up. Of course, if you constantly give your children all of your attention and give her none of it you need to re-evaluate your relationship and how you want it to develop.
  • I say your kids! They DID NOT ask you to bring them into this world!
  • I live this everyday. I have 2 step kids with my husband and I have my 2 daughters from a first marriage and at times it has been difficult in our house because my husband and I cannot see past the others child. When it comes down to it our children are our children...you love them unconditionally and that will never change. You love your kids in one way that is totally different from the love you have for your spouse. There is no comparison. One is not any more important than the other. I know it is hard to put feelings to the side but somehow you have to find a way to compromise and make both feel they are equally important in your life. Trust me if you do not you will find yourself in a very unhappy home and possibly heading for divorce court. I wish you the best...like I said I am living this same situation and have been in marriage and family counseling for 10 months by myself. Its to bad your spouse cannot see that putting you in the middle is only going to push you away. Good luck. :)
  • Sigh...the age old question for blended families. I know it seems "wrong" to a lot of people but your children need to be first in your life. Even if they are adults. I'm divorced (remarried) and I have 3 children of my own. My new husband has 1 child of his own. We all lived together. (They're all grown now) Sometimes my husband would get mad because I would put the children first. I told him that no matter where I was or what I did, I was ALWAYS going to be their mother, the person who gave them life, and the person who they needed to know would be there for them even if they turned out to be crazy freaks!! People of all ages need to know that someone out there thinks they are the most important thing in the world. This "feeling" is what helps children grow into well-adjusted adults. That's the parents job. To make their children feel this way. I told my husband that if he EVER chose me over his son then our relationship would be over because I could NEVER respect a man that chose another human being over their own child. My ex husband remarried and his new mother-in-law tried to reprimand our daughter for wanting her father's attention. The new "MIL" told my ex that he had to put his wife first and the children second because the spouse was more important because the children would grow up and move away but the spouses would be together long after that. He told her that 1) his children would ALWAYS come first no matter how old they were, 2) that there was NO guarantee his wife (her daughter) would be with him past the weekend, and 3) that she was never to interfer with his children again. That was an omen of things to come!
  • Someone has a bit of growing up to do if she is worried about who is more important
  • They can not be equals. It just doesn't work that way. The marriage is the foundation of the family it can not be placed second. It sounds weird to some, but here's my thinking on it. You have to put your spouse first in order to keep the balance of power even not only with the two of you, but with the relationship with the children. If you put your spouse second the children are going to know this and not have respect for your spouse. Your spouse will also become resentfull at being the bottom of the totomepole. Now I'm not saying you shouldn't love your kids or ignore them. No, that's a bad thing. You just need to show them that you and your spouse are a united front. You can't do that if she comes second. I'm also not saying you you should love your kids less. That's not possible since it's not the same kind of love. I have been in relationships where is was both ways. My ex-husband put the marriage last in all things. He also put our child on the bottom of his list. I felt so alone and forgotten I became resentfull and angry. I was so sick I had to leave or die. Now in my next realtionship we put the commitment to each other first. It was truely a partnership from day one. The boys knew we were a united front and they knew their place in that relationship which made them more secure as well. So long as every thing was all right with us every thing would be alll right with them. It was us as a couple who put taking care of the boys first so it made decision making easier. Discipline was also a smaller issue since my oldest knew that Jay was the head of the family as was I. He had to listen to him no matter what. We knew the importance of taking time to just be together alone as well. It strenghtened our bond and that strenghtens the family. We also did tons of stuff as a family so the kids would have time to bond with us and to see us interact. That taught them not only that we loved them, but how to treat your spouse. There was also plenty of one on one time so they knew they were important. It's all a balancing act.
  • How are your kids? I have been through this...they are all equally important but...when push comes to shove your kids should come first.
  • That should not even be an issue. There is no way to compare the importance of a spouse over your kids, and a spouse should not ask you to place one over the other. I don't know how others feel, but with me, if a choice is forced upon me the kids are going to "win".
  • Your kids should always come first. I'm sure your partner knew that you had kids when she opted in on the relationship. If she is making you "feel" at all like you have to choose between her or the kids, there is something very, very wrong... with her.
  • Your kids!
  • Kids first - always. Partners can come and go, but your children are yours forever. If she can't understand that, she needs to go.
  • I have a partner and he knows that my kids will always come first. He's a grown man, he can take care of himself. They aren't grown yet, and they still need me. At least for the time being. In my book they aren't equally important. That's a mean way to be, but that's the way it is.
  • Your kids. If she's jealous of them, it's a real bad sign and only going to get worse. No one is more important than your kids until / unless their full grown and out of the house. They need you and can't take care of themselves. She should be able to.
  • your kids are apart of you if my dad picked a step mom over me i would feel so unloved but i totally see your point about = in different ways... it totally makes sense.. you just need to let her know that they are apart of you... and you can never stop loving them.. even if you tried ... i hate to say it but sometimes the saying blood is thicker than water is totally true. Just emphasize that you love her too.. and nothing will change that... good luck i hope she understands..
  • equal. i suppose your wife is your wife, and you love her, i hope!!, but your kids are you, so you sould love the too, but yes, in different ways :)
  • in my opinion kids always come first.
  • It sounds like a problem to me. Apparently she feels you do not give her the attention she wants. They both should be important..however children are our family and that will never change. Just make sure that you are not siding with the children over her all the time. It might be she is the one with the problem.
  • Your kids should always be #1. They are your flesh and blood, you made them! Sounds like your wife's a little jealous!
  • It all depends Casper. If your children are all over the age of 18 and have no issues which would prevent them from being responsible for themselves then I say your partner should come first. Once a child hits 18 they are old enough to be on their own and be responsible for themselves barring of course anyone of that age or older who has a physical or mental disability other than drug or alcohol addiction. It may sound mean and cold hearted but believe me it's not. The longer you let your children who are supposed to be adults depend on you the harder it is going to be to cut them off completely in the long run. If however your kids are minors or they are legally adults but have physical or mental disabilities then they should always be put before your partner no questions asked. If your partner can't understand that she is selfish and you need to move on and find someone else who will understand that minor or disabled children will always be first in your life.
  • My boyfriend has two children. I know, first and foremost, they come first. And they will always come first. That's how it should be. I couldn't respect him if he could set me above his children
  • Your kids I believe have the highest priority, but I like the way you put it, they all have their own special place. I wouldn't be with a guy who thought I was more important than his kids. Tells me all the things I do not want in a person.
  • My boyfriend who I love very much, and who loves me very much, has a son. I recognize that I am not number one in my boyfriend's life because of his son, but if he valued me more than he valued his son, I wouldn't want to be with him. Him being a wonderful father really endears him to me. If we get married, of course I would share the number one spot. I suggest dumping this woman. She is selfish and doesn't realize the importance of a father-child relationship. If you chose her over your children, you'll be sorry. Or you're a terrible father.
  • Anyone who would make you chose would be the wrong choice for you to chose. (if that makes sense) Who "should" come first doesn't matter. You shouldn't be with a woman who is ASKING you to CHOOSE between her and your own kids. You need to find someone who cares about you kids because they are and extension of you. I would be very careful about getting in a serious relationship with this woman. Not very healthy.
  • Lets face it, down deep, you know your own flesh and blood comes first. You will take your children, over your partner, first if the situation warrants it. Be honest with yourself, you know this is true. i have seen this happen too many times. Your children will come first.
  • She should never have asked you that anyway or expect that from you. Yes equally is good. Your children are more important. But the children need your guidiance more. They haven't been on this earth long and need more attention. If you don't have custody of them I can see why they would be even more important. It is important for their devolpement to get alot of time and care. She should understand this. That is unless they are 30 and still at home living with you. Then I would be mad if I was her.
  • I know for myself, I love my partner very much but it I had to choose between him and my child, it wouldn't even be a close contest... children first. And I know that he would be the same way about his children. It seems very natural to me.
  • Sounds like the children are from a previous relationship of yours. If so, then you kids should be more important. They were in your life first, and even if you and she divorce, your kids will still be yours and with you.
  • The fact that she thinks that she should be more important should tell you that your children are more important! Those are your babies!!! she is your partner- this relationship does not come with a guarantee unfortuantely.
  • I have struggled with this myself. My partner and I are both in our 40s and been together for 5+ years and we both have 2 children each from a previous marriage. One of my children has caused problems, and my partner will not allow her to be part of our blended family - primarily because my child won't try to make things better between them. I now have to choose between my 16yo or my partner. I want to be happy and grow old with someone, but I love my child too. Is there a right choice here? My child will be living with her bio mum fulltime soon, so does that make the choice easier? Is there an age when you can let go and choose happiness for yourself?
  • a relationship is full of compromise..and how dare she put herself before your children..that is an incredibly selfish thing for someone to do..if she cares so much then she would realize this and compromise..help you with your child..and not push him or her away just because the child caused problems..this partner of yours doesn't seem to be acting like an adult..if she cares so much about you then she wouldn't make you choose between her or your children..and if she does the answer is obvious..she would rather you push your own flesh and blood away to be with someone so selfish and inconsiderate? there are plenty more people out there..that would care for you and your trouble making children
  • children should always come first priority. but all parties should feel comfortable and be respectful of each other. If your partner really loves you she will or could respect this and ustand the needs of kids. Just make her feel important too.

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