ANSWERS: 4
  • The best thing you can do is just be yourself: tell her how you feel, but don't cling or try to force the issue. You have to allow her to make her own choices, even if it means she chooses not to return -- what kind of love would you have if you controlled her and she wasn't free to choose? She'll either come back or she won't. Rather than focusing all of your hopes on that, you'd be better served by doing your best to live your life well. You can't control everything.
  • I can't give a straight answer on if she is lost for good because I don't know the reasons why your marriage failed and the two of you divorced. When you said that she shares the same feelings but the pain is too hard, that could mean alot of different things. I am divorced from my childrens father due to adultery, he cheated from the time I was 6 months pregnant with our youngest son until I finally seperated from him when my son was a 1 1/2 old. Some hurts can't be undone. That doesn't mean that you cheated, I don't know your story. Something must have happened for her to say that about pain. Divorce is hard and painful as well and once you get out you think really hard about getting back into it. If you truly love her and if you done something to end the marriage, the best advice I know to give you is to make sure she knows how sorry you are and how much you love her. Then leave her to think it out and make up her mind. If it is meant to be I believe it will. Good luck to you no matter what happens.
  • Nothing is forever! If you want her back simply be the man she fell in love with. I went thru the same and it was the nastiest breakup up I ever witnessed let alone been part of and she begged to come back around 6 months. She left me, I was devestated. The best thing you can do now is improve yourself. Start dating. Be seen with another woman!
  • As Candygirl has explained so well, there is no knowing of your chance for success because we as humans are so complex and there could be any number of factors involved that have an influence on the outcome, some of which Candygirl pointed out... but there are others such as (both) your belief systems, your values, how much tolerance your wife has for your missteps (gravity of offenses), how badly her heart was broken and so forth. But said said, DO NOT lose hope but work your ass off to create that (hope) for yourself. We oftentimes do not realize how much power we really have as human beings - power to change and to be different, to be better. I am actually going through the same general scenario as you - I asked my wife for a divorce seven months ago after two years of great difficulties, but these difficulties were mostly created by me. My wife is a wonderful being, highly intelligent and with high integrity. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. I did not treat her well, this was mostly due to 1) some big self esteem issues 2) I did not make a big enough effort to understand her character and therefore was offended easily by things that were nothing 3) I had depression, exacerbated by our marriage problems and wife's discontent. I was often dishonest with my wife, but nothing huge like cheating or even flirting with women. I have never even thought about other women. I just didn't treat my wife well. I didn't let her know how much she was appreciated (and I didn't back then). I was very self-absorbed and put myself first instead of putting her first (and she does the same thing for you). I now realize how much happier I could have been had I been striving for that scenario. I was often very cold-hearted and could have cared less for her pain. A month ago came the turning point. She called me after several months of silence (she was tired of always being the one to initiate contact so nothing happened for months) and asked me if I could sign a paper to sever my parental rights (we have a two-yr old daughter). That's when it hit me like a ton of bricks! The months previous I cared little about anything (I was so self absorbed in my depression) I then realized what I had lost! The weeks following I was racked with the most intense pain of my life. I was crying lots. I was so miserable. I then pulled myself together, got resolved and committed to change. I began praying for strength. MAN I should have done that years ago. I have since then worked my ass off to show her that I am a different man. You must realize that I have broken her heart quite badly but I know she still loves me. Therefore, I was not surprised that she did not see me in her future as more than a friend (and that's if I worked hard to regain lots of trust). I started doing these things: 1) I now regularly talk to her, I have explained in many painful words that I still loved her even through all my shit 2) I always dress nice and clean, shave often, smell nice 3) I give her flowers every other week, with her favorite treats. No roses or I love you cards, though. I write thank you notes for her trust in me and thanking her for who she is and what she does. Write real things. I also write her a letter now and then. 2) I began to offer my help, "call me 24/7 for anything" She started to trust me more after helping her doing various things around the house and the way I care for our daughter. Let her see that you are reliable, and be quick in all your work. 3) I started being reliable, punctual, courteous, polite, and above all, to give her space, to be respectful. Do not assume anything and treat her like you don't live there. This is important. 4) I tell her often how I appreciate her for all she has done, all she is doing, for being a wonderful mother to our child, I talk well of her always when talking to others. 5) I tell her that I love her, but you must be subtle when doing so, look for moments appropriate for it. DO NOT be overbearing and in her face, never force anything. If she was heartbroken she will not know what to do with your I love you's, she needs time to think and to see that you can be different. Just work hard, talk little and be the man you should have always been and you will be noticed trust me. Just being nice for a week or two and butting back into her life does not work. You must be different, a facade and falling back to old habits will never work. You must be all new. If you pray to God for strength to be different, and you love her enough to do anything, you can make it. I really believe that. It was painful, for me it took all my resolve to decide to love her no matter what, even if she would never consider me again for a husband I would always be there for her. But that kind of commitment is exactly of the caliber that is needed to overcome all the old baggage and all the bad. But I am now happier than I have ever been. Oh and I exercise now too (look your best). Good luck.

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