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by justinoldguy on December 8th, 2006

justinoldguy

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A close friend of yours is dying in a hospice (within 3 months). You are VERY uncomfortable with death and hospital-type places, and have a hard time staying composed. Would you visit them often, or how would you deal with it all?

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Answers. 35 helpful answers below.

  • by Anonymous on December 8th, 2006

    Anonymous

    We recently had a death in our family (cancer). She was home with a hospice nurse. It was hard, but I managed to visit a few times. I have a lot of kids, so I couldn't get there more, but I would have pushed myself if I'd had a little more help with my kids. Also, years ago I cared for my grandmother when she was dying. It was so difficult to watch, but it was the sweetest time that I ever spent with her.

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  • by tomsims on December 8th, 2006

    tomsims

    I know you could write or call and if that is all you can do, then do it.

    I was where you were once. I learned to deal with death by dealing with it. Your friend needs you now and, whether you know it or not, you need your friend. This person will be your teacher in ways that no one else can. Death is the final stage of life, but it is still life. A person lives until they die - and we will all someday die ... which is often the source of our discomfort.

    Your greatest gift is your presence - perhaps your silence. Bde there. You will never regret it. You will count those moments as precious.

    You may be the very person who can best help him/her because of your discomfort. Be honest about it. "I really don't know what to do or say, but I want to be here for you and with you" is a good start.

    Remember, this friend is traveling an uncharterd course. He/she has never done this before either. He/she is on a journey that is strange and different.

    Have someone go with you the first time who you can lean on. The first time will be the hardest. Remember, it is not the place you are visiting; it is the person and he/she is the same person you have loved.

    Don't worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. Don't be afraid to laugh. Don't be afraid to cry. It is a mistake-free zone.

    You are so special to care and to ask.

    As you do what is outside your confort zone, you will find a strength that you did not know you possessed. It is the power of love and compassion.

    I hurt for you and pray for you and your friend.

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  • by Ruby21103 on December 8th, 2006

    Ruby21103

    Its your close friend, you should visit them as often as possible because you wont be able to when they are gone.Im sure they would do the same for you if you were in that situation.

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  • by jerajelihu on December 22nd, 2006

    jerajelihu

    I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with these situations, but I also think that you have to try and do it, otherwise, you might regret it. I would try to visit as often as I could. I guess it also depends on how exactly you lose your composure. You know what you can handle and what you can't. As long as you truly gave it a shot, you'll be at peace with whatever you do.

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  • by timetogetserious on December 22nd, 2006

    timetogetserious

    I would get over my fears and thoughts. After all they are a close friend of mine, so i would want to spend as much time with them as possible.

    It is what i would want if i where in that situation so i would think it is what i would do as well.

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  • by Wendora on December 9th, 2006

    Wendora

    I never had a close friend die that wasn't old but a gal I have been close with watched her sister die of cancer. I would visit her in the home as much as I could. Toward the end it was quite difficult. Amanda was 29 years old, had a small son and a "no good" husband. All she had to fall back on were her family and friends. I remember telling her of the events of September 11th. She was pretty much at the end of the line around then, and she would drink water and then bring it up a few minutes later. It was so distressing to see a young beautiful woman waste away.

    She had tried all the treatments she could but it just didnt' seem to help. When Amanda did die, both her sister and I were greatly relieved because her suffering was over. It is not appropriate to wish that someone dies but under her circumstances, life was just too painful.

    I put up a memorial for her on line, so her family and her son who is now 9 can view it.

    http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GSln=arcen&GScid=65487&GRid=10356578&

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  • by AntigoneRising on December 8th, 2006

    AntigoneRising

    Of course I would visit them often. My opportunities to spend time with this person are limited and will soon be gone.

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  • by tjatherton on December 8th, 2006

    tjatherton

    Call them on the phone frequently, if you can't stand the hospital-type places... they don't need to see you depressing them.

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  • by Singingismystyle on December 29th, 2006

    Singingismystyle

    To tell you the truth, I have a very hard time seeing people on their death bed myself. I have been around 2 people that died of cancer. The first one, I broke down and just cried, because he was so skinny, and was nothing but bones. But he wanted to see me. He had something he wanted to share with me, that really touched my life. God gave him the strength to talk to me, and after that day I came, he could speak no more. He died about 4 days later. I'm glad I went, because I could be in that same situation. Try not to be afraid. Remember that it is very encouraging to that person to have you there. And if you could just pray with her/him, he or she would love that to. You don't have to stay for to long.

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  • by Roger Kovaciny on December 23rd, 2006

    Roger Kovaciny

    It's not about you! You tell yourself "What's important is not how I feel, what's important is how THEY feel." And if you have a "phobic" reaction to it, phobias are not that hard to overcome. Phobias are an excessive reaction of fear to a situation that really isn't a threat and are a function of the autonomic nervous system. You can train your autonomic nervous system by approaching the situation very gradually so as to let the feelings dissipate before you take the next step. Someone at the hospice may be able to talk you through your fear.

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  • by anonymous on December 8th, 2006

    anonymous

    I would probably not leave the hospice, instead stay by their side, and if it all got too much go cry in the car park. My fears shouldn't get in the way of me supporting my friend

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  • by WhyamIhere on December 8th, 2006

    WhyamIhere

    I would visit them often, even if I cried the whole time I was there..... They need to see their friends and Know you where there for them in their last moments of life.

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  • by justinoldguy on December 8th, 2006

    justinoldguy

    I would do what I could with medication if necessary to visit them off and on, and if it was a close friend they would know I had a tough time with death etc.

    I would talk with them daily or as often as I could and as often as they wanted. At the end, I would visit them more often no matter how much I had to medicate myself. And I would be with them if I could when they died.

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  • by Anonymous on January 31st, 2007

    Anonymous

    I'm thinking that if it were my best friend we would have talked about this sooner and they would understand if I did not come at all unless they asked for me. Treat each day as your last and have no regrets.

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  • by Snooch on December 29th, 2006

    Snooch

    I work with Hospice all of the time with many patients but I wanted to make a suggestion to anyone who is uncomfortable or has a hard time dealing with death.. hospice nurses are qualified to help counsel you in your grief and many other issues. I see some very strong men who hang back able to come to terms with their dying loved one having talked with one of the Hospice nurses.
    Hospice homes are normally of a peaceful setting and not that of a hospital. The rooms are normally private, roomy and serene. Some offer lake views.

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  • by samandhol on December 28th, 2006

    samandhol

    I dont think i have any friends that "friendly" but if i did have one i would visit them often, giving them (or there reletives) something they would like, like the recording of the latest show of Simpsons.

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  • by pinkbaron on December 28th, 2006

    pinkbaron

    get there as often as possible. your opinion and feelings about death are going to change radically when this person dies anyway, so don't try and second guess yourself.

    and if you don't go, you will regret it, forever

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  • by bowlinggreen on December 28th, 2006

    bowlinggreen

    I recently helped a friend of the family die, and it's not an easy thing to do. There is a website that has some great interviews with people who had near death and death experiences and people who helped others die (and other subjects too). These interviews made me much more comfortable with the death process. www.consciousmedianetwork.com

    If you absolutely can't make yourself go, you can write letters and have someone else read them. But it really does mean a lot to the person to know that their loved ones care and are present during this difficult time.

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  • by thefunkyone on December 28th, 2006

    thefunkyone

    Go. There's not much worse than someone dying and knowing you couldn't have been with them on the last day they were alive.

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  • by thefunkyone on December 28th, 2006

    thefunkyone

    Go. There's not much worse than someone dying and knowing you couldn't have been with them on the last day they were alive.

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  • by jenniferx on December 23rd, 2006

    jenniferx

    i would visit as often as possible. not only for me, but think of how they must feel, alone, scared, lonely. it's no time to be selfish. besides, you'll wish you had if you don't.

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  • by TaoZen on December 23rd, 2006

    TaoZen

    If it's a close friend I think I'd HAVE to go. Even though I'm one of those "freaks" who feels other people's pains and symptoms when I'm around them (or on the phone with them). Not feeling forgotten, discarded, and alone is SOOOOOO important to ANYONE, but especially people who can actually feel their time ending.

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  • by xxxxxxxxxx on December 22nd, 2006

    xxxxxxxxxx

    as a person who works in hospice, and has been on both ends...you should spend as much time with your friend no matter how hard it may be on you. alot of people when they are dieing are scared and dont want to be alone. they want to be with loved ones. it makes it easier for them to pass when the time comes. i know its hard on you, but put yourself in your friends position.. would you want your friends and family there by your side, or no? and what would you feel like if someone who were close to didnt see you when you were dieing? it may be difficult to see your friend in the state they are in, but you may have a harder time after your friend has gone, because you never spent quality time before they passed! im sorry to hear bout the situation too.

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  • by Littlemisswallflower on December 22nd, 2006

    Littlemisswallflower

    I personally would put aside my own comfort (as it will be temporary because that person is going to die soon) and try to visit, comfort, and spend time with them as much as I could. A few months of discomfort may be very uncomfortable at the time, but I may get used to it. Plus it can be forgotten, and I can get over it. But not seeing my friend and feeling guilty like I didn't spend enough time with them would hurt much more in the long run, and I would have more trouble dealing with that.
    I know from experience. Just my oppinion :D

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  • by dstris on December 22nd, 2006

    dstris

    Nobody likes death. The thought of not knowing, and watching someone we love hurt or change is hard to do. Just remember this is one time in a person's life where begin selfish isn't an option. Learn about what bothers you about death, ebrace the time you have left, ask the questions you were always afraid too. Think of this as a gift that you were given to say the things most people don't get an option to say.

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  • by kyannie72 on December 22nd, 2006

    kyannie72

    I would be there every chance I could. That is just more time to make more memories with that person.

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  • by catlovr on December 8th, 2006

    catlovr

    If you're uncomfortable then you would make them uncomfortable. The situation would then be about you instead of the actual patient. You would be doing them a disservice by making the obligatory visits while visibly uncomfortable because they would then be made to feel like they need to take care of you. Write letters.

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  • by justinoldguy on December 8th, 2006

    justinoldguy

    Only one answer and I have a -2 for the question already?? lol AB is a very interesting place indeed.

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  • by Anonymous on December 29th, 2006

    Anonymous

    I've done this before and I still don't like the discomfort and awkwardness of it all. I hate hospitals with a passion. I remember lying on a cold gurney with an IV drip in my arm waiting for surgery while a family was weeping over the body of a loved one close by. I did my very best to put aside my discomfort (its not about us) to be there for others. I remember the guilt and shame I felt because of how I fought with myself to do what was right. I had a friend who was a stroke victim. He couldn't speak. I didn't deal with it very well and I was a schumck about visiting. I did better with a friend I lost to cancer. To this day, I have never met anyone who faced death with more dignity than she did.

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  • by Firebrand on January 31st, 2007

    Firebrand

    I would be with them as long as they could put up with my company, taking into account that people who are dieing do not want to feel that everyone is gathering to watch the event. They want to be treated as you have always treated them

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  • by Anonymous on June 3rd, 2009

    Anonymous

    be a tough cookie and be there for your friend. This friend needs you to be strong and be there for him/her as well.

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  • by LindsayJ. on June 3rd, 2009

    LindsayJ.

    go.

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  • by Jim100 on December 22nd, 2006

    Jim100

    The truth of MY story is that this(your question that is happened) happened to my widowed fathers girlfriend. (yes, that means my mother died-and I held her hand while she did because of course I was there even though I had to take lots of time off of work and fly to florida.)
    Anyway my fathers girlfreind had cancer and it took her a long time to die (as she was starved to death without water either in a Hebrew home-not that that makes any difference). I only found out at the last minute that she was in there, so I asked my father if we could go see her as soon as I found out (even though we had had an arguement about something that I cannot even remember the last time I saw her) and for other reasons later my father broke up with her. Anyway we did go see her in this horrible room where she was panting and staring straight ahead without response. She looked terrible, and her hair was unkempt, and her skin was very greasy on her face. I found some mint swabs next to her bed, so I swabbed out her mouth, and combed her hair. I washed her face really nicely until it was nice. My father left the room very soon after seeing her like that, but I stayed, and did all those things. It has been my secret for years, but I will tell you what I said to her in our private moments; "Hi, it's me, Jim. I am so sorry for any arguments I may have had with you. I take all of your sins upon my soul, and I free you into heaven, and if Jesus comes for you tonight, you go with him." It makes me cry even now to write it, because she died that night, and I think he came for her. I dont know if Jewish people believe in Jesus, but I think she knows him now. Let me say I am so sorry to you if this post ever bothered anyone, as I was only trying to humor you, who were too down about it. Of course you should go see anyone who is in that state. They need you now more than ever, and maybe even have something they need you to tell someone. It is ok to cry with them. Just act however you feel, because they appreciate your honesty, and can tell better than anyone if you are lying to them. Most of all pray for them. No religion is the wrong way to God, because there is no wrong way to him-that is what he told me. My neighbor came to my house to tell me that she saw an angel who spoke of me, and my love, you see she told me many things, and I know God knows me. He knows the real me, and he knows each of you, because my prayers I always only thought in my head, but he knew what I was thinking, so I know how powerful he is. And if you friend should die, I want you to know they are safe, and they are now better. I swear all my words are true. Pray alone in your room before you sleep. Pray for your friend, pray for peace in the world-I should have done that one, and pray for everyone in our nation, and the world. Never hate anyone, because if you do, you are mostly finding fault in yourself-this was what God says. He says not to take credit for his words, as it will be your undoing, so you can bet I will say they are his words. Thank you God for letting me tell the truth in front of everyone, I am so proud to be able to say I love you. And I love you all deeply. I am so sorry if my joke hurt anyone, so very very sorry. One more thing God said was Don't let any of your good deeds be spoken badly of. I fear one of mine has, I wish yours, and Gods forgiveness, please pray for me/
    And let's all pray for this person who wrote the question, and their friend. (This was updated from the stupid joke at the beginning.)
    That's why I am last as I deserve to be. (I don't care where I am except nearer to God.) And again I am sorry to you, your friend, and everyone who read my horrible joke -now found below. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Originally my answer was;
    "I would buy some insurance on them, and keep checking on them all the time." This was my stupid joke to cheer you all up. I see the people who are on here are so melloncollie(spelled?) and if you go see your friend they will joke a lot, and it is ok with them. I have known many people who died, and visited them all a lot, as much as I could. Irish were the most joking as they died.

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  • by anonymous on August 24th, 2009

    anonymous

    A close friend is deathly ill and in hospice care? I would visit often. The unknown is much scarier than the truth, usually. IF they are in hospice care, then they are being treated in as friendly and homey an environment as possible. It won't seem overly institutional like a hospital does. You aren't talking about visiting some acquaintance but a dear friend who is sick - don't you think their needs and feelings are probably a little more intense and fearful than your own? Go. Hold their hand, laugh and tell stories about things you've done together or people you both know. The staff will let you know how they are doing before you go into the room so you can be prepared. Try to put yourself in your friend's place and imagine that YOUR close friend isn't there for you when you need them.

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  • by seeker on June 3rd, 2009

    seeker

    It's take alot of courage to compose yourself when you are that uncomfortable or sadden with grief. But it also takes alot of courage for those who are fading. Being human is complicated in life, it's not easy to understand the human complexities. We dont have answers for each other, and we may not know what to do at times, but the most important thing we can still do, is just be there. I'm sure you will honor the their memories when they are gone, but you can also honor them while they are still here. :)

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