Whats the funniest "recently heard" joke you know?

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

A Scottsman walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for three shots of whiskey in a row, the bartender serves the man his drinks and he shrugs it off and goes about his business.

Every day for three weeks the man comes in and asks for three shots in a row, so the bartender asks;

"Excuse me sir, why do you always order three shots in a row, instead of just ordering them one by one"?

"Well sur, I gets three shots cos' im drinkin fer three people! Me brotha Davy, me brotha John are over abroad and this is how we drink together, and I order one for meself aswell"!

Satisfied the bartender left him alone.

This continued for another four weeks when all of a sudden the ol Scottsman only ordered two shots? The bartender served the man and was hesitant to ask him...

"Excuse me sir, I don't mean to but into your business, but you have been coming here for so long and ordering three drinks and now you only ordered two? Did somthing happen to one of your friends?"

"OH no barkeep their fine, it's me ya see...(takes a shot)...I quit drinkin so I only need two"!

Hey im no comedian so just give me points for effort thanx.

A bit below the belt, so i appologise if you find it offencive.

A prostitute is talking to a policeman in the station.
'So why do you think you have been raped?' says the policeman
'Coz the last guys fu@*ing cheque bounced' she replies.


Again appologies, but i have my issues and i laughed.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks.

"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

You want underground, here it comes:

What's the best thing about shagging thirty three year olds?

There's thirty of them!

Its a bit saucy, but here goes...

A couple of Coal miners are standing at the urinal and one ask's another

'How do you keep your weapon so clean in a job like this?'

'Aaaah,' he says 'I go home for lunch!'

2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike.

They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.

"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift".

The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs.

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.
He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the *******s have managed to nick a motorbike already".

There was an old boy named Bob Odd. He hated his name, but he couldn't seem to find a judge that would let him change it. So, he told his wife, "I'll show them. When I die, bury me in a grave with a stone that only has the date of my birth and the date of my death. At least in death, I'll get some relief."

But you know what? To this very day, people walking through the cemetary and look down at that stone with just the dates and remark to each other, "Isn't that odd?"

2 guys, bob and jeff about the age of 60 are talkin about baseball sitting on a bench,, jeff says, i wonder if there will be Baseball in heaven

Bob says i dont know but we'll make a deal when one of us goes up there we have to come back down and tell the other one?

They both agreed

about 2 years passed and so did jeff.. 3 weeks after Jeff died he came down to talk to bob

jeff says,Bob, Bob!!

bob says OMG jeff its really u!!

Then jeff says, i have good news and bad news,

BOb says whats the good news?

Jeff says there is base ball in heaven!!

Bob says, ok give me the bad news nothing gonna put me down now that i know that there is base ball in heaven,

Jeff says, ur pitchin next friday!

Englishman, Irishman and a Scottsman walk into a bar, barman says "what's this? some kinda joke?"

String walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman looks down and says "We don't serve your kind here." So the string walks outside, twists himself up reeeeeally tight before wandering back in.
"HEY!" says the bartender, "Aren't you the same string who was just in here?"
"No," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot."

Q) When you walk into a hospital, how can you tell who the head nurse is?
-----
A) Look for the bruises on her knees.

I bought some powered water recently,but I did't know what to add.

I spilled spot remover on my dog,now he's gone.

Mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink
Barman looks at him and says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind in here!"
Mushroom says, " Why not? I'm a fungai!"