Just to set the tone and start things off: I'm a 522 lb woman named Zelda. I run a struggling phone sex service for a living. All 3 of my ex-husbands are buried beneath the floorboards in the living room. I have 37 cats, but the smell isn't really too bad anymore since started buying that extra strength Airwick solid. Every meal is pizza. Pizza Hut has a standing order to deliver an extra-large, fully loaded, at 1 PM and 6 PM each day. I'm billed monthly. On the plus side, I'm never bothered by the kids on Halloween, even if I leave the porch light on.

I am in a job I don't like very much and pick my nose a lot, frequently finding boogers on the office keyboard. I am constantly being frowned upon by co- workers for adjusting my meat and 2 veg. Sometimes I do not wear deodorant and really need to get a new pair of odour eaters for my shoes. I fart a lot and they smell frequently, today being particularly bad. I go home on a packed train with people who look more miserable than me, around 90% wearing ipod/ mp3 players. They should get better music on it, they all look so bloody miserable, doesn't good music download on to those things? Have a dance and cheer me up for Christs sake, you anonymous cack masters of the public transport age. I never seem to be able to save the farts for the train, they always escape before boarding. During the 10 minute walk from the train station to my home I am occasionally begged by some low down drug addicted scumbag to give him my hard earned money. I usually show them the £20 to £40 I usually have in my pocket and tell him it has taken me all day to earn it, so he's not fucking getting it just by asking for it. (And no, I'm not scared what he'll do, he can fight me for it) I then get home and remember that as well as being hungry, i'm a crap cook as well, so I make dinner for myself and sometimes my dear lady friend, with varying levels of success, ranging from the 'actually quite good', to the more often, 'that was shit'. My evening is the best part of my day, when I can do what I like, more often moving between the TV, the PC, the WC and small but frequent conversations with my dear lady friend, just in case I feel horny at bedtime. (Yeah girls, i know foreplay begins first thing in the morning, but I'm barely awake then) I then go to bed, usually after taking a dump (Oh bliss) In a more general sense, I am grumpy and swear a lot, my lady friend having bought me a coffee mug with a picture of grumpy, the seven dwarves guy, on it. I do not believe I swear too much, I believe I swear effectively, as nothing punctuates a sentence quite like a well placed swear word. I also do not consider swearing to be bad English. Hearing a footballer talking in soundbites 'yeah well you know what I mean at the end of the day it was a game of two halves innit?'. That's bad English. Having read through it, I sound like a right cunt, but i'm actually quite fun to be around, finding it very easy to make other people laugh and cheer them up, I'm really quite nice, honest. EDIT- Please accept my apologies for any offence caused my dear friends, but my life is made better by being honest with others, but being brutally honest with myself.

I am a 46, obese and bald man called Brian. I spend my days watching The Jeremy Kyle Show and Porn, which somehow get confused in a disturbing yet strangely pleasurable blurr. And so you all know the truth!

You might not recognize me without my cape on!

I would say... FWEEEEEE!!! Yes, I do say that a lot.

I cannot say exactly WHO I am, but I am a high level government offical. I come to this site at the suggestion of my wife who thinks my ratings as well as my knowledge could use a boost. She says I have alot of things I could learn here that might help in casual conversations with powerful political people I meet from time to time. I am not as I appear in public. I am worse. I get alot of help on my speeches & in what I say to the public an' the press. I can't help it if my rural school growing up had as many classes on how to split wood well, how to ketch a rustler and how to pretend to be amused when you were actually embarrassed and pissed off! I did the best I could, and got into a good college cause ma Daddy knows some folks there & also he went there. So I am gratfull fer the questions and answers to things I would be ashamed to ask my staff. Actually I am not sure most of them would know the answers anyhow. (joke) So, my fellow answer baggers, thanks fer helpin me.

Well, I'm pretty true to life here, but I geuss my best kept secret from you is, That I don't realy live in Houston, I live in Pasadena TX, and I say Houston because it's right next door anyway, and more people know where it is.

i wud say a 13 year old, That can make enemies easily just as she can make friends easily, loves to speak my mind when i can, and has very small eyes, a strong christian and i know i'm gonna get Rated down for dis but I LOVE GEORGE BUSH!!!! WWell yepp now u know me

I would tell you that aside from the fact that few of you probly know or think that I am 15, I have been completely honest with everything I've said here about myself and my views.

I'm 24 years old, extremly devout Lutheran. Confrimation teacher. Degree in Finance, I love ballroom dancing. I have a total of 19 cousins, 14 are on one side.

My best kept secret is that im truly the sarcastic bitch that i come off to be. Oh yeah i also think that i am just so damn smarter than everyone else. -ooo the truth burns-

My true identity is your Omnipotent Highness Krll, I am a Pleadian from the sector of the galaxy you call Taurus approximate celestial coordinates of 3 hours 47 minutes right ascension and +24 degrees declination at a velocity of 130 Parsex... or basically 425 of your light years in human terms. I have come to observe and educate your species of the impending doom that awaits your mankind. We are not new to your world, you will find traces of us throughout your history, though very obscure. We look at your civilization as one that is very young, being that of a child, and easily manipulated by other forces outside of our guidance. Namely the Zeta Reticulae which are flesh eaters and whom wish to raise and consume your children as cattle. Our civilization is over two million years old, and our civilization was once destructive as yours is today. My mission here is one of peace, we are very concerned as you are on the cusp of a new rebirth. However we have traveled into the future and from the Pleadian perspective you time on earth is bleak and minimal at best. The threat of a thermonuclear holocaust is very very real and impending. Let me put emphasis on impending. The race to dominate the globe will not be made in time and millions are at risk to parish through man made and natural means far beyond your visual comprehension. We have the capabilities to launch or disable your weapons and it has been learned that the Reticulae possess the same ability's. Your airships are no match for a Reticulae arial assualt and can lay waste to a military strike force in a matter of seconds... seconds. UFO's as you call them have the ability to see an aircraft from the inside out, distort the pilots perceptions, and even take control of the aircrafts computor and weapons array. Our UFO's can travel cloaked in the red spectrum (which is why you don't see them without a camera modified to the infrared spectrum) and can travel from the south pole of the earth to it's northern most point within a matter of seconds. They are armed with dual pulse plasma emiters and impenetrable by human conventional weapons systems. The Reticulaes are just as well equipped. There are Pleadian and Zeta bases all around you, including on the darkside of your moon and deep within your poles and oceans. We have slowly tried to expose ourselves and intentions but your leaders hide the truth from you, we must be careful because landing a craft to expose the Pleadian intention would be considered a threat by your world leaders and possibly instigate a war and mass hysteria among your species. Your world leaders lack of perception is not in the best interests of the population as a whole and they fund their warmachine to make a stand against the invasion your President Reagan spoke of during his visit to the United Nations on September 17, 1987... it will be their last stand as without proper spiritual guidance the populus of the earth will be illprepared for what is about to happen to them. Time is a luxury not afforded the human race.

Than I eat cashews, tortilla soup, and green tea together.

The beauty is, this is the Internet and the fine line between fact and fiction can be so easily blurred. I believe none of what I hear and half of what I see so, how's that for apples?

Dear AnswerBaggers, I regret to inform you that everything that I have ever led you on to believe in regards to myself is a total a complete hoax. In all actuality, I really am a sixteen year old female. Though this may sound quite "the norm," it is unfortunate that I must include the other aspects that make me who I am. I wake up at 4 'o' clock every morning to catch the Tony Little "Gazelle" commercials as I am secretly infatuated with him. Not in a sexual way, nooo. Just in a way that if I knew where he lived, I would rummage through bits and pieces of his garbage, hoping and praying that I managed to get DNA this time around. After the 2-hour informercial infatuation session, I proceed to the downstairs area, where I receive my mission orders for the day. This involves going into the walk-in closet, placing my left arm into the pocket of my brown leather jacket and saying the secret password phrase "where the hell are my keys?!" (which has since been changed as the password system has been infiltrated a number of times for some odd reasn). This brings down a 3x4 overhead screen and as the static clears, Sylvester Stallone delivers my orders. As much as I would like to tell you what these orders consist of, it is HIGHLY confidential information, and I do not think Sylvester would just want everybody knowing that he has made multiple clones of himself using the cryogenic process so that his Rocky movies may continue forever. That would probably just piss him off. After carrying out the covert operations, I assume my alter-ego as "average high-school student," and go through the process of the regular school day with only a loaded iPod and a blank stare until the final beep(we do not have the typical bells at school) so that I can take my place in seat number 5 of hell on wheels. Upon arrival of the bus-stop, I walk home whispering sweet nothings to myself (because there is no one else to whisper them to... I can not afford it) and checking the mail for the latest nasa approved pillow I sent for sponsored by Tony Little. I heard it has real buckwheat filling AND it supports the upper vertebral system keeping it aligned! What a lifesaver! And only 42 more installments of 24.95! Then I break into my home, ninja-style because even though I always leave my door unlocked, I would hate for anyone to actually find out and ruin my business dealings with Stallone. The rest of the day just consists of Take a nap on my pillow, eat Mac 'n' cheese with tiny sliced bits of hot dog, do mydaily 'baggin' and back to sleep for a good nights rest because I've got "work" in the morning. Sorry to anyone I may have misled. It is part of my career. Part of my life. Sincerely, S.R.P

about me- i am Charly Gordon and i werk at a bakery. i am 32 yrs old. i want to be smart 1 day. i go to skuoll during the nyt. i may get an experement done on me to get me smarter. i want too get smart. i hav no idea waht utube is. they want me too watch a tv all thee tyme. i live en a small room by miself. i hope u forgive me for beng fak. goodbi. Edet- thank u s.r.p.! how could i forget about algernon! he is a gret litle mouse, but he alwais beets me in amazes. i want to beet that mouse 1 day...

Stableboy, your persistence broke me down. The truth? I just got out of prison. I'm in love with George Bush, but he says I'm not his kind of fellow. I smoke cigars, weigh about 350lbs and shave my head on occasion. I detest music and animals, especially cats. Before I went to the slammer, I was an international jewel thief. That was before my second sex change. Or...maybe third. Third? Well, yeah. I get bored easily and I'm a slut at heart. You want the truth, right? TV is my reason for living. I have one in every room, going non-stop 24/7. I love talking on the phone, too. Sometimes I reach out and touch the people on TV. Sometimes they call me back.

Okay, okay, I'm batman.

Well... I know this may come as a surprise, given all my previous answers and comments... My name is sister Mary Joseph and I teach at the Immaculate Conception Academy in San Francisco, CA. I am extremely devoted to my faith, and regularly pray for forgiveness for the lies that I have told here on AB. I also pray for all of you. God Bless.

Here's the complete and total TRUTH... I am 13. I was orphaned when I was 3 when my mother and father were crushed by stampeding elephants while on a safari adventure. Some say that they were poachers that deserved their fate, but I like to think of them as providers for piano companies and brooch makers. Currently, I live at Saint Mary's House of Misplaced Angels. On Sundays, I am an alter boy for all 5 masses and the combined parish after party... They call me Pip - because I don't make a peep.

I'd say: I try REALLY HARD to be a good person as the daughter of a minister. But that I often end-up succumbing to my own internal badness. The main cross I have to bear is laziness or workaholism. I'm not sure which since they manifest in the same symptoms.

I know I answered this question already, but it wasn’t a fun answer, so here is my fun answer. I am an executive marketing consultant named Eddie Clappton; I spend my time designing public service messages. I telecommute to work, so I have all of my days free to sit around watching cartoon network and eating box upon box of twinkies, I watch cartoon network because anything more complex hurts my brain. Because of all this telecommuting, I tip the scales at about 350. I’ve been living in East Cambridge my whole life, but haven’t told you because I get a thrill out of thinking I am brilliant by deceiving people.

There's actually loads about myself that I'd love to reveal but never would to an internet community. Though as the months have gone by I have revealed more and more 'real' stuff about me. This time next year you might actually know everything! Stay tuned... Though I do feel I should reveal that I'm an unemployed male slob, who has 20 children to 30 different mothers. Women steer clear of me now, so I have to go on AB4Adults to get my kicks. That's actually how I found the site.

Sorry to have to confess that I am what I am. I am a 52 year old husband, father, grandfather, pastor, writer, CompuServe wizop, business developer, motivator, and networker. Have haeover 20 blogs that tell almost all there is to know about me and my ideas. My pictures are posted along with my contact information. I am far to vain to be anonymous.

If I "come out" any more on AB, I'm not sure I would be allowed to stay here!! I am what I have said I am. I do what I've said I do. If you don't believe me-just ask me!!! I don't polish up any at all. A white trash goddess I be! I can say nothing more than that. But thanks for asking.

Okay, the dirt about Orangy: I am... <<<static and interference>>> ...and that's pretty much my whole life story! Thank you for listening!

Most people that meet me do like me and most of them don't think I'm a religious zealot. Although they will probably all tell you that I love my church family almost as much as I do my real family.

I am a 21 year female with black hair and beautiful blue eyes, currently unemployed and pretending to have problems with numeracy and literacy to do a PC Repair and Maintence course. Still living with mum due to lack of funds. Want to know more about my crappy/pathetic/humiliating life just ask.

I believe in honesty.......so My honest answer....would be....I am a 26 year old female from London......DOB......25-12-80......and I am looking for honest answers from the heart.....That....What you see with me is what you get.....I have respect.....for all.....that are honest with themselves.....and I know....I will be too....:) Sappy I know.....:D

I'm actually a 20 year old computer hacker from West Palm Beach, Florida named Dave. I try my best to be morally superior and intolerant in my comments and answers. Otherwise I revel in being a sanctimonious, self-serving hypocrite. I live in a cubicle when I'm not taking classes at the local junior college and I love personal questions about what I do, how I look and people's life stories. I'm far too young to be an expert at anything but skipping school, jock itch, acne, and melodrama. I'm an ordained peer counselor at my local church where I received my full immersion baptism, now I tell my local minister what to preach. To this day, I've never known anyone who was famous and no one would admit to knowing me in public.

Polished up fluff? So far I have told everything as it is. We can say that I clean up my posts: I have not used the regular profanity that spews out of my day from the moment I wake up to the time I finally sleep/crash/pass out.

I other self is even Greater.

EXCUOOOOOOSE ME! Did I hear you right when you ask for our true identities. I thought we were, I didn't know it had polished-up fluff. I've only been on here a little while and I've been saying what I felt about the questions. Well, to tell you a little about myself. I'am 63,don't use copper tone,short hair,blue eyes(from grandpa)5ft7,165#.I don't talk much about myself, mostly about my kids and grandkids. I'am so proud of them I could bust. I've done almost everthing I wanted to do and if it wasn't for them I would have walked off a bridge a long time ago. I've done everything from shoveling horse manure to working in the pentagon. I've worked many jobs mechanic,photographer,post office clerk,car factory,maintenance-man,tv-radio repairman,alarm systems installer,cctv installerowner. I finally settle for home repairman. now I'am retired and only have a few long time customers(hey! I'am good)I never half-assed anything. I'd walk away from a job if I was asked to cover up something. It sounds like I couldn't hold a job, I would learn all I could about a job and when it got to be the same I would move on. Now, I babysit and built and repair computers at home.I've been working with computers since 1986. I finally found a site where the people don't hate each other, whats wrong with you people(joke). I like it, think I'll stick around awhile if you don't mind. I could say a lot more but I don't want to over stay my welcome. See ya in the funny papers.

I'm a 22 year old single mother of one, full time college student and first time dog owner. I am often mistaken for being anorexic at 5'7 and 105 lbs. I can and will assure you that I eat often and well. I can count the number of friends I have on one hand with fingers left over. I don't struggle to make everyone like me anymore, and the only friends I have are the friends I plan on keeping for a lifetime. I prefer relationships that don't interfere with my day to day scene. I'm addicted to caffiene, and drink enough to kill small children. I don't like stupidity in any form, unless it's in the name of humor. I like comedies and hate movies. I might not always be as nice as I pretend to be here, I'm a good critic (not judge) of character and always am trying to "help" someone in need. I unfortunately contradict myself daily by being a people pleaser yet disliking most I meet. I have high expectations of myself and want my son to be nothing but happy.

many years ago

Yes. A lonely, autistic research engineer. +2