I may be pregnant and I want to keep the baby, but my boyfriend really doesn't want a baby. What does his reaction mean, and what should I do?

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• Inclined to agree. He's not ready to commit to the whole family thing. If you leave, and he comes after you changing his mind, that's different. But as hard as it is to raise a kid on your own, you really don't want a father around who doesn't want to be a father.

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  by Stableboy on December 6th, 2006

• He's probably a good for nothing dead beat lazy worthless loser that doesn't want to pay child support. Kick him to the curb and have your child and next time find a guy who takes responsibility for his actions. I hate deadbeat mothers and fathers who are willing to kill off their children because they arn't convinent. Guess what you don't want a kid stop having sex you moron! Ok I feel better now that I got that out.

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  by Valparaiso on January 23rd, 2007

• Wow. Sounds like time to work on that hatred. Is that really something you want to spray onto others?

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  by Stableboy on January 23rd, 2007

• I know its mean but people need to get real about this and send it back. All we get is that we're trying to control people's lives. Sometimes you need to take the gloves off and tell people what you think of what they did. I can forgive someone who honestly regrets an abortion but those who use abortions cause their other forms of contraceptive failed or because they where not smart enough to use a contraceptive. (Note I'm not counting rape) are in my opinion murdering their child because they are inconvient. You know a child wouldn't be very convient for me right now, in fact it might even qualify as a downright disaster but I would never ever encourage the mother to have an abortion because of it. And as far as I'm concerned, I don't care how much contraceptive you use, if you are not capable of taking care of a child you should not be having sex. Period.

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  by Valparaiso on January 23rd, 2007

• Well I'm aware of all the arguments on both sides -- I'm not very interested in more debate on that topic, it's been covered so exhaustively so many times here on the 'bag that it's completely inconceivable to me that anyone could say anything about it which would be newsworthy. More to the point of my comment -- once I start finding myself getting upset about some such viewpoint, I consider it axiomatic that the problem is in the mirror. The anger is always a clue that I'm unresolved about something important internally. That doesn't mean the view is right or wrong, it means it's become attached to ego, and now ego is going to start distorting values and priorities in ways that -- in my experience -- are always counterproductive and may even be unethical. So that's just my take on the anger part of your comment. We see it all the time here on the bag, with just about any view: people ALWAYS want to take the gloves off and lose clarity of mind, it seems.

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  by Stableboy on January 23rd, 2007

• Well perhaps you are right, but I think there is something distinctly inhuman to not get upset or emotional about a issue which is costing human lives. Pro-Lifers are very emotional about abortion because to them its a human life. All sides are emotional about Iraq etc. I mean it isn't like we are debating minimum wage or taxes here, when we're talking about human lives it goes to a whole new level. And I've read letters written by women who had abortions and where proud of it. They all basically said the same thing "The child wasn't convient for me at the time cause I had other plans, so I had the child murdered." Can you give me another reason a logical person would have an abortion other then Mothers life, rape, or intreatable and fatal birth defects other then that the child wasn't really convient to them?

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  by Valparaiso on January 23rd, 2007

• I'm not saying you shouldn't get upset: that's not the point. It's inevitable that we will be upset about any viewpoint we identify with when that viewpoint sees it's "opponents". It's what we DO with our upsets that matters: to put it on "speakerphone" is, in my view, a big mistake. When I find myself getting upset about something like this, the first thing I do is back away from anything that offers an opportunity to spray it onto others. The place to resolve anger is with myself (or with a trusted friend who's committed to resolving it with you). The moment it "leaks out" onto other people, you've lost clarity and moral high ground, and are now engaged in an ego-battle with opposing views. It ceases to be merely about ethics and becomes about ethics+ego, an infinitely more complex herd to tame. So to spray anger around is to shoot your own cause in the foot by impairing your ability to be present and communicate effectively.

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  by Stableboy on January 23rd, 2007

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• A wonderful story!

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  by Azraff on December 20th, 2006

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• Put back into the positive. ^_^

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  by Lady Alathia of Vulcan on July 20th, 2008

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• No need for me to write my own opinion as the above is so well-thought that mine would simply be redundant. Thank you for your insight. With hope, others will read it.

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  by subtlesledgehammer on July 20th, 2008

• Thank you for the feedback. I hope things worked out for this couple. :(

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  by Ankhorite on July 20th, 2008

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• You said, "If he chooses to be a father in time that is his choice and i wont stop him from being in his childs life, however until then i am preparing to do this alone with the support of my good friends and family who can be counted on no matter what." NO. It is absolutely NOT his choice. There is no choice under the law: you have to inform him that he is the father, and he has to support the child. It is NOT your choice. The law says if the child exists, both parents must support it. If you wind up taking any kind of welfare, the state will go after him and collect the support directly. He chose to have unprotected sex, or he counted on you for birth control -- either way, the government doesn't care. If the child exists, the law requires the parents to support it. That's the first problem with your answer. - - - - continued below.

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  by Ankhorite on July 20th, 2008

• The second problem is your assumptions that a. your "friends and family" WILL be supportive and b. that your "friends and family" SHOULD be supportive. How old are your parents? They are entitled to STOP RAISING CHILDREN. They raised you. They shouldn't have to raise your child. You shouldn't ask them for money, or babysitting, or housing, or food, or ANYTHING but advice. They have given you enough. Anything they give your child is cheating your siblings (if any) and cheating their own old age. The same is true of your friends -- anything they give you, time, money, labor, whatever -- is something they are NOT giving to their own kids, their own parents, their own families and lives. How long will they? How long can they? How long SHOULD they? To sum up - - - - continued below.

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  by Ankhorite on July 20th, 2008

• To sum up, not only is your (ex?)boyfriend right -- you HAVE trapped him, legally he is COMPLETELY stuck -- you've also trapped your family. You've trapped yourself. You've trapped your child (if you try to keep them under these circumstances) into a lifetime of relying on charity (from family or friends or the government) and of knowing their father did not want them. If you insist on continuing the pregnancy and you won't consider adoption, you need to stop planning to divert resources from your family and friends to your own needs, and start planning to support the child YOURSELF. Maybe this means magically finding a job that will pay for day care, rent, food, clothing, education, and everything a child needs. Maybe this means finding a partner who WANTS to support you and a child, even if the child is not his own. Some men are willing; not very many, and if you have more children with such a man, this child will feel (and maybe be) left out, second-class. So - - - cont.below

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  by Ankhorite on July 20th, 2008

• So maybe you think I'm being cruel, but I am being honest with you in a way your family and friends cannot. What do you think they're going to say? "No, Friend, I plan to have my own children and meanwhile I plan to have a social life, so I am not going to babysit for you and I am certainly not going to give you money." "No, daughter, we are still supporting your siblings and can't take time and money away from them to spend more than your share on your child and you. No, Daughter, we need to save money for our own nursing care and can't spend it on diapers for you" or "Yes, daughter, we'll give you money and time no matter how much we, and your siblings, resent it, no matter what it does to our health as we age." No one will SAY it, but that's how it is. Family and friends are not an endless loving well of money and time! Even if they would like to be! I hope you are not pregnant but if you are you have my sympathy & I hope you can get what you want without hurting anyone else.

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  by Ankhorite on July 20th, 2008

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• True, if he didn't want a baby, he should have kept it in his pants...
  PERIOD!!!!

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  by tjatherton on December 29th, 2006

• Hello? Birth Control?

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  by subtlesledgehammer on July 20th, 2008

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• Yes, but telling *her* how *he* should be doesn't help *her*. She can't control his maturity level, she can only control her own actions.

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  by Stableboy on December 6th, 2006

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• It is not solely the woman's choice. Especially if she feels entitled to support from the man. It is a two-way street and when a woman is forced to raise a child single-handedly, statistically, it leads to many problems. Plan for the family WITH your partner. Otherwise wait until someone is involved with you who will wish to be a father- AND, how about a little something called "BIRTH CONTROL" ???

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  by subtlesledgehammer on July 20th, 2008

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• also i highly suggest that you find out for aure if you are infact pregnant at all. but by his reaction here i would say he not a keeper anyhow.

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  by dotnotdottie on January 23rd, 2007

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