Does cheating affect a marriage badly even though it happened 2-3 times with same woman and the wife doesn't know about it? Are wives usually that blind that they can't tell if the husband is having an affair? Do husbands' attitude change?

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• Thank you very much for your answer - it was quite helpful.

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  by ShimmyShim on November 27th, 2006

• Spot on Ulyses. It never ceases to amaze me the dishounourable & objectified way some males think about their wifes or partners. These males are not men.

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  by RhythmBoy on November 27th, 2006

• Yes, it is despiccable and heartless. I wish these things don't happen, but they do.

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  by ShimmyShim on November 29th, 2006

• Others may do, but if you just choose not to engage is such behaviour, you're contributing to changing society's quiet acquiescence of this behaviour.
  Silence is agreement.

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  by RhythmBoy on December 1st, 2006

• Wow....is it this cutthroat?

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  by Ruffy on February 11th, 2007

• It's not a case of being cut-throat, and it's not only men who decide to have affairs. If you make the commitment of marriage then you agree to love ...... for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. If you are not going to take that solemn obligation seriously then you are dehumanising yourself. If you also keep quiet about your affairs, having your cake and eating it, metaphorically, then you are also insulting both your partner and your bit-on-the-side. If things are wrong then you need to face that and deal with it - one way or the other - rather than making it worse. When my ex-wife had an affair she at least told me so that we could decide what way forward. It ended in divorce, but not nearly as nasty as it could have been. So no, not cut-throat, but having a shred of pride in who you are.

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  by Ullyses on February 12th, 2007

• I don't think it's that simple. You can't just go and tell your wife that you had an affair. Also, men who have affairs have all kinds of reasons...they also lie to themselves. But, I still don't think it's this simple. It's complicated.

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  by Muff on February 12th, 2007

• As Stronghart said below, "All men play?"
  Ulysses? Think about that...sex is that powerful or the marriage isn't working? I don't know where I'm going with this, but ... eh..you're the Professor.

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  by Muff on February 12th, 2007

• Well, being neither the husband, nor the wife, nor the other woman, I have no idea how I am going to respond to you, Seruna.

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  by ShimmyShim on February 12th, 2007

• People are not machines!

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  by Ruffy on February 12th, 2007

• But in important things like marriages you sometime have to be. It's a lot of work.

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  by BoyTom on February 12th, 2007

• You see, I disagree with the "All men play" angle. It was my wife who played. I acknowledge that more men than women are unfaithful, but not "all" men are bad and not "all" women are innocent. Not taking ownership of your mistakes adds to the final reckoning. If you have made a mistake then confessing it gives your partner a chance to decide how they want their future to now go. Hiding a mistake, and even repeating it, makes things worse. In fact, hiding it is an acknowledgement of wrongdoing, making it tawdry. At least confessing it means you can try to start afresh, with or without your partner, instead of living a lie.

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  by Ullyses on February 12th, 2007

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• Cheating does begin with the mind I guess. Although people say it is just physical for men or whatever, it pains me to say that it begins from the heart anyway. Although, I can be mistaken here. :)

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  by ShimmyShim on November 27th, 2006

• Yes I agree, the heart first, if its ever been involved, that is.

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  by RhythmBoy on November 27th, 2006

• It's not a one way road....

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  by Ruffy on February 11th, 2007

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• My gosh, it's built into his nature, by God himself or darwin, whichever way you would have it. But it's built in.

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  by Stronghart on February 18th, 2007

• munchkin_kids i think we have the same situation. I absolutely agree.

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  by faithful on March 13th, 2007

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• It is quite painful to be going through this and I appreciate your input and advice.

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  by ShimmyShim on November 27th, 2006

• Sorry: the fact is that men play. It is not the end of a marriage unless the wife makes it so. never underestimate the power of sex. Never!

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  by Stronghart on February 7th, 2007

• ditto Stronghart

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  by centrator on February 9th, 2007

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• I think this is true - women do just ignore or they are so engulfed into their own world - does it affect the future of marriage though even if she doesn't know?

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  by ShimmyShim on November 27th, 2006

• I would think if a man was cheating then he wasn't giving 100% to his wife and family and not even 50%for that matter. The marriage suffers whether the spouse knows or not. He is not at home when he should be, he is not sharing his love or intimacy with just one woman. Its a given that at some point the wife is going to find out, or he might tell, but in any case it will be a nasty blow up and lots of people will get hurt.

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  by JUSTNORMAL on November 27th, 2006

• Are there times when affairs just end after 2 or 3 times and then because it has stopped it still affects the marriage? Will it never be just "found out" anyway because it has stopped? This all just disgusts me and hurts.

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  by ShimmyShim on November 29th, 2006

• Sorry Kal. The fact he had an affair with the same woman is not a real comfort. If he just messed around with whoever might not feel as "personal" to either of you. If the wife does know, and he thinks she doesnt, she needs to comfont him and now! Because regardless, his behavior is killing the marriage and how could the wife ever trust him again? They need to talk, thats the way I look at it.

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  by JUSTNORMAL on November 29th, 2006

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• Good one. To be honest I dont think there is anything worse than cheating on the one you "love." Makes me sick!

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  by JUSTNORMAL on November 15th, 2006

• Thank you for your intuition - it is helpful to think of various aspects ... although very difficult.
  

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  by ShimmyShim on November 27th, 2006

• "someone needs to make her aware..." e Gads. aren't there enough busybodies in the world?

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  by centrator on February 9th, 2007

• Kalbi, read Serunashosei's comment below (where Centrator answered). Hopefully, it may give you a better perspective on marriage and other things. I would rewrite it, but I agree with him/her, so just read his/hers. It's very probable and understandable. Also, marriages are not so one-sided - complexity, heart-break, and confusion - whatever the components are all part of life. If your friend is having a tough time and miserable - perhaps as a friend it's good to have a more broad perspective. Cheers to you.

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  by Ruffy on February 11th, 2007

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• :)........

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  by Muff on February 11th, 2007

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• So, does it affect the marriage at all? I understand that many men do and so do many women for that matter....maybe a lot more than we think. It is a poor translation, but in Korea many people express women's affairs as, "when a ship passes the sea, it leaves no mark" basically meaning that it's hard to tell if a woman has had an affair...both physically and the way they are deceptive..:) Anyways, what do you think?

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  by ShimmyShim on December 24th, 2006

• mmmm.. Yes, I think that it might affect some marriages--but sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse depending on circumstances. A man, or a woman, is restless. He/she gets it out of his/er system and moves on... Or sometimes a person needs more in a relationship than he/she gets from his spouse. His spouse might be relatively uninterested in sex. Or his spouse might be less interested in politics than he is. A spouse might need a a different, a second relationship. But that does not lessen the value of the first relationship. they are different. People do not give up their interests or their sexuality when they marry. Is the ball and chain the image we want for a loving relationship like marriage>?

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  by Stronghart on January 1st, 2007

• Wait till someone cheats on you. How's that power going to feel then.

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  by unforgiven017 on February 10th, 2007

• Dear unforgiven: Look, as far as I know, I have never been cheated on. But I am pretty sure that if I did find that my wife or GF did have sex with another man, or an affair, I would understand that it is not necessary to confine oneself to one person, or one friend, or one piece of art, or one book, or one sport. I can't see the value of self-suppression at all. My wife, who I love dearly, knows how I feel--but i do not rub her nose in it. And, for that matter, I have been faithful(without telling her everyday that I am a good boy) for the past ten years or so...What I meant by "power" was spirit, being, self, and more things that I can express.

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  by Stronghart on February 10th, 2007

• The words "bad advice" come to mind. If by some crazy chance you found a woman that was strong enough to not mind being cheated on, it is not wise to insinuate to the rest of the world that it is ok. How many divorces are related to infidelity every year? It doesn't make you more of a man to have to conquer.

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  by unforgiven017 on February 11th, 2007

• I don't think it's solely 'infidelity' but rather all of the events that lead up to infidelity. Unless the man is a complete sex-maniac, which I don't think all men who have affairs are, there is responsibility to both parties - husband and the wife.

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  by Muff on February 11th, 2007

• Unforgiven: I understand your position, and sympathize with it. I agree, the operative phrase in your comment is "strong woman." Who wants to be married for life to a weak woman?

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  by Stronghart on February 18th, 2007

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• but what if the other woman goes away? does the marriage then suffer?

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  by ShimmyShim on February 9th, 2007

• my friend has been miserable ever since and i've tried to cheer her up, but it is very depressing to stand by and watch her mope. I wish I knew what to do.,

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  by ShimmyShim on February 9th, 2007

• After reading your questions and all of your comments, I say this: Kalbi, it can make marriages better sometimes (usually not) - well, at least for the time being. It's unique to different situations and it's difficult to grasp. You are assuming that all "other women" are bad and evil, but they are not. Some are actually great people that just happen to be unfortunate to fall-in-love with a person that can't commit to them. As long as the wife doesn't know, the only one really truly suffering is probably the other woman herself....so, maybe you should set your targets somewhere else.
  Yes, some wives are blind b/c all they care about is their careers and are selfish and are not sensitive to know that their husbands are feeling like crap...or they may know, but for the sake of money they just override it. How is this affair thing solely the husband and the other woman's fault? Grow up.

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  by Muff on February 11th, 2007

• Kalbi...on the side note, I like your avatar and ID name. What's the story?

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  by Muff on February 11th, 2007

• I'm sorry, but I still don't seem to understand this justification. Why have an affair then? Just get a divorce. No, I don't think 'other women' are great people. Sorry.

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  by ShimmyShim on February 11th, 2007

• Oh. kalbi403 is my best friend and my very first email addy's and aol screennames and we keep it going ever since. I don't think my friend uses it anymore, so I just took over. :) Thanks, Seruna...Japanese? Just curious, b/c I am part one too. :)

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  by ShimmyShim on February 11th, 2007

• Yeah, I like kalbi A LOT!! I'm part JP too.

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  by Muff on February 11th, 2007

• kalbi-sajuseyo :)

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  by Muff on February 11th, 2007

• I like what you said earlier Serunashosei. BUT here is the deal. Centrator, you sound like a jerk-off. So does Stronghart (scroll up). Apart from you guys giving a justification that doesn't succumb to anything, you've also made the value of the people who are involved with this man (wife and other woman) close to rock bottom.
  I don't see the end of marriage being the real issue here, but rather the fact that this marriage is already in shambles. You just don't want to acknowledge it. You don't need the wife to say 'yey' or 'ney' - it already has irreparable damages. We all give our nonsensical reasoning and explanations to such simple issues...I've seen many examples of these kinds of marriage problems and they all end badly - someone is of course hurt by all this (probably the other woman), and marriages end up falling apart anyway. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is. All b/c of two people's mistake (husband and wife alike). Does this make sense, Kalb?

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  by BoyTom on February 12th, 2007

• So, Kalb, I hope you feel a little better with all of everyone's comments and answers and gain more insight. Hang in there for your friend.

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  by Muff on February 12th, 2007

• Let's all get down to the real point, please....May I add..circumlocutive...? Or should I say the real correct term to all of these answers? <<Circumlocutory.>> :) I had to correct myself - AB people are good writers...look at all of you!

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  by Ruffy on February 12th, 2007

• You can say circumlocutive, KYJaak. :-) Clearly, it's becoming the new 3rd adjective anyway.

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  by BoyTom on February 12th, 2007

• Nice insight you put up in...well, now that everyone has commented on Centrator's answer...I have to press an extra button to view your wisdom. (^-^)
  Anywho...yes, circumlocutive it is, then. How about ambiguity? That fits.

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  by Ruffy on February 12th, 2007

• You guys...pleezzzzz save the ranty details of the English grammar. I'm Japanese.

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  by Muff on February 12th, 2007

• Okay, u English experts...
  Anywho...L8R den,....CIRCUMLOCUTIOUS. Happy? (^-^)

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  by Ruffy on February 12th, 2007

• BoyTom, you are being "mean" to Centrator...he might not be a 'jerk-off', and I don't think marriage is that "simple."
  How I digress...dat is most 'CIRCUMLOCUTIVE'...and 'ambiguous'...I don't have time to clarify and Serunashosei, english was not my strongest subject...

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  by Ruffy on February 13th, 2007

• I say circumlocutory. KYJaak: I think you've basically exhausted the list of adjectives of circumlocution.

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  by Muff on February 18th, 2007

• So Circum-says...

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  by Ruffy on February 23rd, 2007

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