The saying is "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all." While true, if you CAN say something nice, or even, just be polite, even to someone you don't get along with or like that much, COULD you? Why or why not?

I prefer my niceness to be genuine. I can be genuinely nice to people I don't always get along with. I can have a problem with someone, want to vent about it, and be nice to them and mean it all the same. If I have a problem with someone in the first place enough to the point that I feel the need to talk about it, it means I care. If I didn't, I wouldn't bother. If I don't get along with someone, something the other person did was hurtful to me... either in how the person treated me or in how the person treated someone else. I also understand that my words can be hurtful, too, and that even if people vent about me whether to my face or behind my back, it doesn't necessarily mean they hate me. It doesn't even necessarily mean that their niceness is fake when they are nice to me later. Sometimes people need to vent... and that's the way it goes. I want to get my pain out of my system, and if I've caused anyone pain, they deserve to get that pain out of their system as well... even if it's not to me. I'm not against interpersonal conflict when people are honest about their feelings. In fact, I think avoiding it completely is terrible. What ever gets solved that way? If you act like humans don't have feelings and should never talk about their negative feelings, that's effectively telling them that they should shove all of their problems under the carpet and acting like they don't exist. The problem with that is that burying problems under a rug won't necessarily make them go away. Doing that can actually make the problem a lot bigger and worse. Bottling up emotions is not a great thing to do. If you do that, you may end up blowing up on someone later in a worse way than if you blew off steam and maybe got to the bottom of an issue in the first place. If only nobody feared confrontation and we were all committed to giving each other adequate closure when it is needed, then maybe we would have less problems.

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There are other places to "vent" than AB, though. Now trying to clear up an issue is NOT saying anything bad about a person, but is your attempt to make peace. If they don't want it, it doesn't really matter. If you pointed out the problem, and it persists, you don't have to go all Freddy Kruger on them, as some do. Just continue dealing with them as you always have. And if you have to "vent" about someone, vent to a CL or friend. I tend to "vent" to my wife. She may not understand everything, but she can tell if something has bothered me, and can let me "let it out". Then I'm no longer mad/upset about the situation, and try to maintain that. If I can't, I ignore the person for a time (usually a few hours or a day is enough for me), and start over. If someone keeps pushing the same cr-p, then I "vent" to someone else who sees both sides of the situation - maybe better than I. Venting here just causes bad feelings, and if someone is already pushing, the push harder - Who knows their real agenda.

Thanks, AG ;-)
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by BigDaddyBS on February 8th, 2012
I don't have a spouse to vent to... =(

You're welcome. ^_^
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by AnonymousGirl on February 8th, 2012
Try a friend who maybe knows AB (and won't retaliate as you might), or one who understands but is far away from AB, or your cat or dog... Then let it go... You've vented.

The problem is when people start venting on here AT the people they're venting about that causes drama, problems, etc. ;-)
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by BigDaddyBS on February 8th, 2012
Oh, okay. I see what you're saying. But I'm still going to do what I'm going to do. Who knows? Maybe one day, I will end up doing things the way you hope I do! ^_^
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by AnonymousGirl on February 8th, 2012
It'll help you stay out of trouble, so I hope so! ;-)
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by BigDaddyBS on February 9th, 2012
Right. I don't always like the idea of going to CLs about my problems. I don't like feeling like a snitch... and I don't want anyone to be in trouble by me talking to a CL about him or her. I much prefer dealing with the person I actually have a problem with. Besides, the Inbox feature on this site isn't very user-friendly. Not to me, anyway.
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by AnonymousGirl on February 9th, 2012
Well, always consider if the person is doing the same to others,m especially newbies. If so, they may need a wake up call or more.

As for the inbox, how much more user friendly does it need to be? Click the Compose button, select a name (up to 5) from the list (use the search and enter it), enter the subject, enter the message, and click send. It's a lot like email. And, if you are receiving bad emails, you can copy/paste them to one to the CLs staff (most start with AB-) or AB-Rich. And you can IGNORE anyone who's sending you nasty emails.

Well, just be careful of your wording, and don't lose your "politeness" even in railing at someone. It's usually the nastiness, name-calling, and certain words that get people in trouble. ;-)

(And remember, a lot of my responses like this are not just for the person I'm talking with, but anyone else reading it.) ;-)
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by BigDaddyBS on February 9th, 2012
Alright. Well, I don't know how much you're hinting at me. It feels like you're trying to tell me off in a way.

BigDaddyBS, I ask a lot of questions, so it makes sense that I get a lot of messages. Currently, I have 116 unread messages up there. Why do I not consider this user-friendly? Every time I get back to people, I just end up getting more... more to respond to. I don't always want to open the messages. Conversations with one person can easily result in several threads and that can take up an Inbox and push other messages to the bottom in a place where I can forget. There are NO places to put the messages in other folders, either. If I want to feel less overwhelmed by it, deleting it all is the answer... but I don't want to delete things I haven't yet read. And it can sometimes be too stressful to delete things anyway.

Gmail and Facebook and Fluther are more user-friendly for people like me when it comes to their private messages.

In Gmail, messages under the same subject line are in one e-mail thread, making things a lot easier to keep track of. If I want to find something specifically, I can also use the search link to find something specifically.

On Facebook, messages with one person are in one conversation thread... and we can delete separate messages in the same thread. I find this very helpful. And it's always clear who the person is that we're talking to.

On Fluther, Fluther is a lot like Facebook with their messaging system. I feel comfortable talking to the moderators on that site because of their messaging system. It's a lot better than this one. If you check your messages, all of them are opened at once and you can reply right there. And there's less clutter.
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by AnonymousGirl on February 9th, 2012
Ever thing of copying/pasting from the screen to a WORD, or the like, document? Links work (unless you use Notepad or the like), the messages are in order (forward or reverse, you choose), you can name them whatever you want, save them in a folder specific to messages, etc. (I do this when I'm talking to someone about genealogy - on IM or email or elsewhere). Just a thought.

I'm not hinting at you. Just making suggestions! ;-)
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by BigDaddyBS on February 9th, 2012
Oh, okay. And yes, I am aware that I can copy and paste the messages somewhere else, but that would still cause too much clutter and take up too much unnecessary space on the computer. And I'm really not interested in doing that a lot of the time. It would be easier if it was just simple. I don't know how you can say the Answerbag Inbox is user-friendly if you feel the need to copy/paste messages to keep track of them. That proves it isn't, doesn't it?

I'll let you know other things it's not user-friendly about:

When I open it, I am bombarded with literally hundreds of messages. There isn't more than one page for it. There is only one. And it takes a long time to load at times. And that can be very annoying.

Waiting for it to load can be annoying.

There are other sites that let you see more as you scroll down, but this Inbox loads absolutely EVERYTHING... right in your face.

Deleting can be hectic if I want to delete several things at once. I like to read things before I delete them... I don't like to "sweep" them all, although I've done that before for my Outbox... and I've deleted messages by mistake at times.

There is NO Trash can. What is this? What if you accidentally delete a message and then want to get it back later? If Answerbag was like Facebook and Fluther (who also don't seem to have trash cans), it wouldn't matter so much... but Answerbag is more like Hotmail, I think. And I'm talking about the Inbox.

Where the Answerbag messaging system went right:

- Including avatars and screen names
- Allowing us to see if the users we sent messages to have opened them yet
- Let us know exactly how many messages we have that we haven't read yet

A suggestion for improvement:

- Make it clear when a Staff Member, CL, or Mod is messaging you rather than a regular member. This is especially important if the CL sends a warning. I almost missed a CL warning me not to do something because I don't always pay attention to my Inbox. In this case, it may have been better if that CL told me off publicly instead of privately.
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by AnonymousGirl on February 9th, 2012
I hope you don't mind. I passed the link to this answer to Rich, pointing out at the very least, the "user friendly" notes about the PM system you made in the last comment. He'll pass it along to the correct people. We'll see how long it takes them to get to it. Remember, they chase the bugs and other problems down first. Then the rest is prioritized.

As for the making it clear when a Staff Member, CL, etc. is messaging you, I'm sure they could do this, but it would require extra coding. CLs used to have special badges (old system). I would think they could do the same thing here, and for those people (only) pass it along with the name in the PM or comment. By the same token, it's handy, at times, not to let those who don't know who is a CL and who isn't. It's in the site info, but not everyone reads that. ;-)
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by BigDaddyBS on February 10th, 2012
No, I don't mind at all. -.- The only thing I mind about is that he might not like what I said about interpersonal conflict because I know he has a low tolerance for it. It's just that we don't really see eye-to-eye on it, but I understand his reasons. And maybe he's right. After all, he's way older than me and has way more life experience than I do... and maybe I'm just young and immature still. ^_^

I understand the point that it's helpful for people not to know who is a CL and who isn't. People who check out the leaderboards can tell, though. You still have your badges up there...

On Fluther, I was a bit annoyed that it wasn't completely obvious who the moderators were (unless I went on their profiles or they made a post with something like --Mod Says-- in it or other people made it obvious). I made this known and it was explained to me that they weren't just mods, they were members also... It made me miss AB .. how it was more clear. This was during my break, I think. Anyway, here the mods have "AB-" at the beginning of their screen names and I find that helpful. Anyway, there, the mods are very involved in the community and I like that. Here, the CLs seem very involved in the community. I've noticed AB-Eric posting stuff, too, and that makes me feel better about the mods here. It says a lot when a moderator is willing to moderate and also take part in the community. As for the CLs, I feel a lot better when they also involve themselves in the community. It makes me feel more comfortable talking to them... so they're not a stranger. I've been advised to write to the admin Answerbag e-mail, and although I've written to it before, I don't like writing to it... because it feels impersonal.
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by AnonymousGirl on February 10th, 2012
Well, it should probably make you feel better to know that when you do write to admin, it goes to/through Rich or the mods. I'm not positive how old Rich is, but I think I'm older than he is (I was born 1955 LOL), as are at least a couple of other CLs. While we are CLs, we are all also members. That's how we run into some of the "personal conflicts" that may be getting out of hand, and can help stop them. There are several I got involved in and stopped long before I became a CL, and a few since. One of the things that make a good CL, I believe, is the ability to see both sides, ability to stay even-keeled (at least more than the majority seem to be able to), and being able to back out or call on others if you feel you're getting too POed to deal objectively. Of course, there are more, but those are all important aspects of being a CL.

Too many feel they have to deal with a problem on their own. And while that's good in a lot of cases, when you feel you're getting over your head, or starting to get too POed about the situation, you need to call in others who won't. Then there are those who feel the need to attack those who attack them (Payback). Just as in sports, they are usually the ones who get caught, and get into trouble. To be sure, there are WAYS to do it that stay within the TOC... Ask a general question about the situation - no names, no real way anyone could connect it to any conflict that might be occurring on AB - and see what others say... "Vent" elsewhere - preferably where other AB members won't see it, especially those you are in conflict with... Simply keep from name-calling or talking about the conflict with others on AB (except maybe CLs)... RESPECT others ideas and thoughts - Debate is fine and actually encouraged, but when debates degenerate into name-calling, or pointing out other possible physical or intellectual problems a person has, you're now attacking them, and the debate has ended. (I usually look at them as the first person to do that has lost the debate, and has no thoughts about how to take it further, so attacks the other person. - Think of recent - and past - presidential debates.)

Anyway, the whole idea is be respectful and have fun here. And no, the two are NOT mutually exclusive to the vast majority of people. ;-)
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by BigDaddyBS on February 10th, 2012
I assumed he is way older than me because he is very mature and he seems to know how to choose his battles wisely. I agree that a CL should be able to see situations objectively. That's why I feel elizabeth17 would make the perfect CL. She never says a word negatively about anyone behind their backs from what I can tell and she is a good listener. That woman can be trusted with pretty much anything, and she can help people see things in a different way without being mean. Her tone is always respectful from what I've noticed. The only thing is, she does not seem to want the job. =(

Thanks for explaining all that to me. I will admit that I'm not innocent. I've attacked people, I've name called, and I haven't always been the nicest person. And there are still times when I don't want to involve a CL. Perhaps this is because I've found that certain authority figures can cause more problems than they help at times. I don't think trusting an authority figure just because he or she is an authority figure is a good enough reason to go to him or her about my problems. I want to know what I can expect. I want to know how the person will react to me. And that can be hard... when I feel like the authority figure is a stranger who intimidates me. And I want to be sure that authority figure won't take what I say and use it to get the person I'm talking about in trouble... 'cause that makes me feel bad. When I talk about my problems, what I really want is to be heard... and understood... not for anyone to get in trouble. And that's why I prefer talking to someone who does not have the power to penalize the person by not letting the person contribute to the site most of the time.

Alright. ^_^
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by AnonymousGirl on February 10th, 2012
Ok ;-)
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by BigDaddyBS on February 10th, 2012

No one's asking anyone to be fake.
Is it fake to appreciate a good question? ... A good answer? ... No matter WHO asks or answers? Isn't it just plain polite to give points or thanks? I mean... If all Q/As were anonymous, would you be polite?
.
This is why I will answer ANY question that intrigues me, and thank all who answer mine. I'm not being fake. I appreciate the efforts, the question, the answers, etc.
.
Thanks, Jen. ;-) (STILL outta points)
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by BigDaddyBS on July 30th, 2008
For me to be nice when I'd rather rip your head off ... Is being fake , and instead of doing that ... I avoid the comment thread with those users ... You've seen me when I was a newbie, you may not agree with me doing that ... BUT I've come a long ways since then.
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by Jen-Jen on July 30th, 2008
Whatever floats your boat, I guess. Be careful and have fun! ;-)
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by BigDaddyBS on July 30th, 2008
I will be.
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by Jen-Jen on July 30th, 2008
Don't SHOUT and you'll get closer to the point.
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by sebastian.sorri on August 4th, 2011
What shout? I see emphasis, but no shouting, here.
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by BigDaddyBS on August 4th, 2011
@sebastian.sorri: She fully understood the reason behind his emphasis, and therefore, he made his point very clear.
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by Flutterby - The wise rule the strong on August 11th, 2011

Yep... I agree. (And you're one of the nicest people on AB!)
Thanks, Galeanda ;-)
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by BigDaddyBS on September 4th, 2008
Thank you, Big Daddy:-)
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by Galeanda on September 4th, 2008

Yeah... Knew a girl that told me she didn't like hardly anyone in the office. She was looking at the things she didn't like, of course. Told her to concentrate on the things she DID like - That guy's suit; that girl's writing style; that guy's smile; and NOT all the other stuff, and she'd be happier. A week later, she said she did it and WAS happier. Funny how that works out! LOL
Thanks, Anonymous ;-)
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by BigDaddyBS on September 5th, 2008
Its not always about a Pollyanna attitude where if you look for evil you'll find it... if you know your dealing with snakes, even with kindness, one has to be cautious.

Thats just how it is, and I accept it.

I appreciate your refreshing attitude though. Your welcome, BigDaddyBS! :)
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by Anonymous on September 5th, 2008

Question

The saying is "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all." While true, if you CAN say something nice, or even, just be polite, even to someone you don't get along with or like that much, COULD you? Why or why not?

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The saying is "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all." While true, if you CAN say something nice, or even, just be polite, even to someone you don't get along with or like that much, COULD you? Why or why not?

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Answerbag.com Your favorite Q&A site is on Facebook! Become a fan to connect with the ever-growing community of Answerbaggers, share your thoughts and find out what Answerbag's up to next!

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