My wife found a condom in my 14 yr. old sons bedroom. She got mad and wanted me to punish him. I told her to put it back. be quiet, and be thankful he has the maturity to use them. She's mad at both of us now. Was I wrong?

No, you're exactly right. You cannot stop a teenager who wants to have sex. You can only teach them to be safe. You should however have a talk with your son and explain all the risks involved in sex.

Um, is it at all possible that he got it from a sexual education course and isn't planning on using it?

Either way, I'd just sit him down and gently & openly talk to him about it. Then I would pat myself on the back for being grown up enough to know that he's not a small child anymore. Indeed, in a few short years, he'll be a man. And then I'd ask her what exactly he has done wrong? You don't even know what he's done or is planning to do yet, do you?
Heck, when I was 14, I had a condom in my wallet "just in case". It was more of a false hope than a serious thought and shortly after placing it in there (2 months) I completely forgot why I had put it in there for in the first place.

Be thankful that he's prepared, and tell your wife to grow up. He's not gonna be your little boy for much longer, just a few, short years...

he probably has not had sex yet but is at the age where he is starting to wonder what all the fuss is about and probably one or two of his friends have said they have had sex (and probably havnt) you did the right thing but i would have a chat with him away from your wife. she reacted the way she did because she is scared her little boy is growing up too quickly but to try and punish him out of having sex is ridiculous and will only make him resent her and will go ahead and do it even if he wasnt just to spite her. hope hes ok.

Yes, you were wrong. If a fourteen year old has a condom with him in anticipation of dating my daughter and I found out, the boy would weigh about four bullets heavier. I ain't joking. Consider that aspect, dad.

Your wife should stop snooping and you can have a talk with your son when the time is right and do it privately so as not to embarrass him. If he trusts you and you don't treat him like a criminal, he is more likely to be open, honest and ask for your advice.

You were right in this situation, but you still need to have a sex talk with him. I can understand she is upset because he is so young, but whats done is done. I'm glad you put it back because it could of made him too embarrassed to talk and he could of felt his privacy was invaded. Talk to him about it and let him know the importance of being safe, and how he is really young to be having sex.

No, you weren't wrong. Your wife's just mad right now & forced to face that her "baby" is growing up. He probably isn't even using the condoms, he just has them around as a symbol of teen rebellion or whatever...the same reason most every guy keeps a condom in his wallet during his teens, with no real hope of ever using it...

She needs to Chill...
And he needs a Chat.

You did the right thing, the worst thing you could do is punish him. And tell your wife that just because he has a condom DOES NOT mean he's having sex, (I have brothers and sons) boys that age (and younger) like to carry them around to look cool in front of their friends. But even if he is having sex, THANK GOD he's being careful.

No, you were not wrong. He may not even be having sex yet, at 14 it may just be cool to have the condom. If he is having sex, at least he is thinking.

Your wife needs time to realize he is growing up. You get the job of helping her do that. Good Luck to all three of you.

HE S hould not be punished. i think more punishable would be him impregnanting someone. but u need to talk tohim and find out if hes having sex and if so make sure thats a wise deicison for him and ensure he uses a condom every time.[hey u cant stop him from having sex]

You did the right thing by not punishing him. Not many teenage boys (or adult men, for that matter) are mature enough to use condoms. But you should still take him aside and talk to him to make sure that he knows how to use them correctly.

No. If your son is having sex, good luck trying to stop him. Even if you ban him, he'll find a way, trust me, I know. I think you should teach him about safe sex. Give him resources and information. Let him know he can talk to you if he needs anything. If you go balistic on him, he'll never tell you anything and that's when you run in to trouble. Let him trust you.
Then again, it also just could have been a free sample from school. That happened to me :P

She is wrong and ignorant. At least he knows what a condom is. Did you all even talk to him about it? I say put it back. If she wants the financial burden of caring for a grandchild when your kid is 14, tell her to establish some sort of savings account just in case, and then she can take the condom.

You are both wrong. You have no idea why that condom is there and shouldn't make assumptions -- either of you -- nor should you ignore the situation.

This is a golden opportunity for you both to rationally discuss both sex and your expectations to your son. If you feel 14 is too young to have sex, this is the time to express that. If you don't care that he has sex at this age, it's an opportunity to make sure he is using the condom EVERY time there is contact skin to skin. Many youngsters think that they only need to wear it at the end.

It's a great opportunity to discuss stds, teenage pregnancy, the emotional consequences of sex, parental responsibilities, parenting in general and even relationships.

Don't let this opportunity pass you by. Parents need to influence children in their choices rather than let their peer group do all the influencing. Take advantage of it and have a long, caring, serious talk with your son.

There is a small chance that he's not even active... Do you remember thinking it was cool to have a condom, even though you weren't having sex.

The other side of this coin (from raising 5 teenagers), is that you want to encourage the protection, and extend your trust to him that you are glad he is thinking ahead. It is your opportunity to suggest to him that you don't think he should be having sex, but that you are glad he is responsible.

The minute you or his mother FORBID him to have sex, and take away his condom in a fit of rage - He will rebel and end up skin-dic*ing someone and end up with a baby -- or worse - catching the latest strain of "herpegonesyphelloidalwartaids".

The thing to be clear on with teenage boys, is that you HAVE to establish your expectations, but you HAVE to make it their choice to follow them. Ultimatums do nothing but create tension, and causes lads to disagree with your opinion and try the exact thing you are forbidding them to do.

Do not forbid premarital sex, or he's gonna do it. Instead, take an opportunity to have more frequent, open and detailed sex talks. Satisfy his curiosity in his mind, and he won't be as inclined to go off "half cocked" (so to speak).

Yes and no. You were right to tell her to put it back, but not to be quiet. Your son doesn't need to be punished, but you do need to talk to him,calmly, about being sexually active and the potential consequences. He needs to know his parents are there for him and can provide answers for him if he has questions.

Yes you are wrong just because you 14 year old son is using a condom makes you think he is responsible enough not to get an STD or HIV or knockep up a girl, but you should talk to him about having sex at that young age.

As previously hinted,
was it possible that he was "testing it out."

Ah but that of course would mean he's maturbating
---another bane of the victorian mentality.

Best wishes.

That is a blessing that he has the mind to know what kind of diseases can be spread and the fact that he knows he doesn't want to be a father just yet. I don't think you were wrong, I'm speaking as a small percentage of my female friends who had to miss their own graduation ceremony or quit school because they had a baby.

I don't think you were wrong and I believe your wife will see your wisdom when she cools off.

Personally, I think you were wrong. At 14, he needs to understand what the consequences of being sexually active are. I don't think you had to punish him but I do think you need to talk with him.

No, you did a good job my friend.

im 17 so let me speak....if he wants to do it he will there is nothing you could do just be thankful he knows to use a condom. my dad 1 day sat me down it was uncomorable for us both but im glad he did it and talked to me about it and i told him i was going to do it so he bought me some condoms lol point is now days have them raise them teach them and let them learn what the world is about

Punish him for being responsible? Many children of religious extremists end up having teen pregnancies. An STD is also something to think about. Fourteen is quite young, but you can't have total control at all times. I would suggest you have a talk with him.

You are correct!

Just because he has a condom doesn't mean he is actually going to use one.. And also, in response to WiseOne - if you are going to have radical opinions, please don't press them on other people. Nowadays, teenagers are MUCH more aware of how to avoid unwanted pregnancies and the like, "use protection!" is preached at them most days at school, protection is easy to come across, and in many cases free, and most teenagers know all about sex and its dangers inside and out before parents even *think* to lecture them about it. -
Back to the reply... you can trust your son, and almost any other teenager, to act responsibly whatever his decision is. Maybe back in WiseOne's day when condoms were made of linen, the risks were much higher. But in reality, his decisions are his to make and at his age, using force to make him comply will just encourage defiance.

all depends on the morals you raised him with.... however it sounds like you and your wife have different sets of morals...

coming from a womans point of view i dont think you were wrong... you see us women get all upset when we think of our children having sex, we especially dont want our little ones growing up too fast! i think your right you should be thankful that he is having protected sex if he is doing it at all... who knows maybe he just has it for a "just in case" moment, just because he has it doesnt mean he is going to use it, i dont think its grounds to punish him, he is going to do it anyways and punishing him might push him to do it faster to see what the big deal is.

Was it a used condom? If not, how do you know he is using them at all? Do you think he is old enough and mature enough to use them correctly each and every time? Some adults have trouble with this, never mind a teenage boy whose hormones are probably going haywire.

You were wrong for sweeping the issue under the carpet and for assuming a maturity level that might well not exist. You could still be a grandpa before long, condoms or no condoms. Your son needs a long talk with you and your wife about how he is going to handle all the unintended consequences of sex at such a young age, such as the STDs others have mentioned.

You are absolutely right, but you might want to have a talk with him regarding the fact that sex is more than physical and it should involve an emotional component. Apparently, he doesn't need the birds and bees talk:)

She's probably more mad that her baby's growing up - perhaps you need to have 'that talk' with him...

Umm what was your wife doing poking around in his room? I am sure this was a hidden thing? By punishing him for having a condom in his room, that also says to your teen she was poking around in his room. Neither one of you know if he is having sex. The condom could be something that was given to him by a friend or he could of purchased it in a men's room, just being curious.

You both have jumped the gun here by assuming he is having sex. Wife has broken trust issues if she was poking around. You were in the right by not making an issue out of it but wrong in assuming he is having sex. Either way it is obvious you need to have a chat with your son and soon and I wouldn't be bringing up the condom, but I would be telling him the importance of one if he should ever decide to have sex and how important it is to wait and all the things that can happen if he doesn't. I would hope that you and your wife use better judgement than punishment and snooping around. You want your son to be able to come to you about these things and obviously he doesn't feel he can, because you don't know if he is having sex or is just curious. Being curious at this age is natural, and having sex at this age is not unheard of, but it is up to you to find out what is going on. Punishing him is only closing doors, and punishing him because he has a condom is absurd!!

Be open and honest and TRUSTWORTHY!! Give the same privacy you expect from your teen. It goes a long way when it comes to respect. Be educated on what your son is doing and don't ever assume what is going on in his life, KNOW what is going on. It takes mature parents to raise mature kids.

like you, i'd be glad that he has the maturity to use a condom. like your wife, i'd be feeling energy that i'd want to direct toward him. maybe not anger and punishment. maybe sitting down in a relaxed, respectful manner and discussing the b&b, std/hiv/aids, respect, relationships ...

i had the same condom in my wallet for 5 years. i was so optimistic!

npoe u werent wrong , ur son did the right thing and so0 u did to0 :)

No you're not
Your son is going to have sex one way or another at least he's trying to be safe

Not wrong, just not complete. You should approach him, discuss all those things you don't want to discuss. Ignoring it and just putting it back is hoping for the best - keep the communication lines open.

no but u made a mistake at doing the most impotant thing of all, talk 2 him about it. just cuz he use the condom doesn't mean that u don't have 2 have the talk w/ him, cuz he might not kno everything or have the right facts about things, u should talk 2 him b4 ur wife does! YIKES!

no becasue how are you gunna stop him? youjust gunna say he cant go anywhere? He is smart to use them.

(you are both wrong though)

he really shouldnt be having sex. but like it said and you said. he is smart to use them

no u was not wrong and niether was your son sex is just a part of growing up and she need to learn to deal with and a least he is protecing himself.

No, you're totally right and kudos to you for being such a great dad. If you were mind I'd be really pleased!

It'll all blow over. Your wife has to realise that your son was being responsible and it doesn't necessarily mean he's having sex yet, he's just being mature.

"Was I wrong?" - hmmm is there ever a definitive right or wrong? depends on worldview, personal morality, societal factors. Really, maths, sciences and religious philosophy questions are more relevant to right or wrong amswers. everyting else is up for discussion - and using all of these influences and personal judgement one can generate responsive actions and decisions on the way forward.
Take the heat of the situation and try to use reasoning and logic.
Failing that, go out, get pissed and hit a copper

i dont think she should've shouted at him or ignored it. a quiet and sensitive word would've been better i think. at his age, you as parents need to know if he's having sex because of the illegalities. but he's smart for being safe about it.

While I think he is a little young to be needing condoms right now, I think it is great that he is taking the initiative to use them. I can see her point of view, but if you guys jump all over him and not just sit down and talk to him, he will become secretive and hide things even more from you guys. Ya'll have obviously done something right so far!

No... at least he has the smarts to use a comdom. But she is a mother and is protective of her child. Hopefully she will realize that he is going to start having sex sometime, and at least he is being smart about it. Hopefully I remember this when my kids are teenagers! LOL

No, you are not wrong. What's wrong is your wife's attitude. She seems to believe, as my ex-wife did, that mere possession of condoms is incitement to have sex.

I always got them in sexual education classes. And I had this little blue box on my dresser where I kept random stuff like that, I still have them. Which is kinda funny. Teach your son about being responsible perhaps put it in his mind that maybe the girls he could be with arnt as good as they could be in a few years time. Seeing as hes 14 and all.

So your son is 14 and you have not talked with him about the responsibilities of having sex. What is wrong with dads today????? I had very close relationships with my four sons and now my grandson who has no dad in the home. We kept communication very open and honest. They knew early on age appropriate information about sex, life and responsibility. Dads, what are you afraid of and what are you waiting for? Do you want your sons and/or daughters to ruin their lives and you have to pay child support until they are 18. Get your heads out of the sand. Abstinence is always best and the wedding night is sweet for those who wait.

NO. It is better for him to acknowledge that he needs to be safe and that he made the right choice than to take the risk of getting a terrible disease, or unwanted pregnancy.
Plus it's always a possibility that he got it as a male status symbol to impress his friends or something.
I have a 3 year old daughter, and while the thought of our children having sex is scary, it is far better to educate on safe practice rather than to pretend that they aren't thinking about it. "You should wait to have sex because it's an adult decision that requires a lot of thought and maturity. BUT if you do decide that you are ready, here is what you need to know..." It's called "Harm Reduction". Most parents don't want to acknowledge that their kids are thinking about it. But it is our responsibility to educate our children and make sure that they can make good healthy choices.

I see this is pretty old, but I'd like to add one more "You did the right thing."

Congratulate your son on his intelligence and maturity.

No you are not wrong.. There is no cookie cutter standard for sex and if you are having sex at 14 or not, protection is #1 on the agenda. Time to have that good ol talk and keep things real.. punishing your 14 yr old son for displaying sexual behavior could be more provoking than a deterant.. Open communication is key..