I found out nine months ago that my fiancee was listed on an adult "friend" finder website, and was collecting phone numbers. I confronted him and he swears nothing ever happened, but I still don't fully trust him. What should I do?

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• What makes the odds "not good" is that he's looking outside the relationship for sexual encounters, and keeping it a secret, and denying that this matters. That's not a trivial bit of evidence about his state of mind.

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  by Stableboy on November 27th, 2006

• I'm not objecting to attempts to communicate, certainly that's worth the effort. But until he acknowledges the seriousness of his violation of the trust in the relationship, all other talk is just hot air. He has to get how deeply messed up this is, at a level where his bones are altered by the realization. Having a nice little chat in which he swears it was nothing and won't do it again is like expecting whipped cream to stop a train.

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  by Stableboy on November 27th, 2006

• We have talked at length about the subject, both when it happened and every time I get upset by it, it just seems like I can't let it go. What gets me most about it is that we had a healthy relationship (to include frequent and great sex) before the incident. We still have a great relationship, we talk about everything, and the sex is still frequent, although not as good for me - I can't get into it, thinking that he would rather be with some one else. Even though I think he understands the seriousness, and that I won't stand for any of the like again, I still don't trust that given the opportunity, he wouldn't take it. I love him with all of my heart, and I can't imagine my life without him in it. I just wonder should I cut the romantic ties, or do you think I will eventually be ok?

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  by dayleicht on December 4th, 2006

• It's very hard to tell someone else what they should do. About the best I can do is share what I think matters: it's really normal for a man's mind and thoughts to wander to other women, that's really just biology. The question is whether he's mature enough to realize that there is a kind of value in committed love that is more important than those fleeting impulses. You can't expect him or any other man to not have those thoughts -- but you CAN expect them to not act on them. If you don't trust him on that count yet, I wouldn't get married yet. But lots of women take that chance, because they want to be married. Sometimes it seems people have to go out and have a marriage fail to really get it in their bones. I know of lots of great 2nd marriages (including my own!). Sorry there's no magic answer here...

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  by Stableboy on December 4th, 2006

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• Everyone has fetishes -- god bless adult friend finder -- much better than all the people who pretend there's no fetish, then go behind the back of their beloved to act them out ... is there nothing to learn from Ted Haggard?

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  by Persky Bunkermeister on November 9th, 2006

• I dont believe "everyone" has a fetish. People may have fantasies but not fetishes.

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  by JUSTNORMAL on November 9th, 2006

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