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by Anonymous on November 5th, 2006

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I got upset at my boyfriend for making a joke about me.I took it sensitive and it hurt my feelings he did not say anything to me after I told him I don't want to be around someone who treats me that way.why he acts he doesn't care when he says h

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  • by AntigoneRising on November 5th, 2006

    AntigoneRising

    You need to learn to communicate your feelings in ways that are effective, yet emotionally safe for the both of you. "I feel hurt when you say x, y, and/or z." Making judgments about why he said what he did, getting angry, or telling him that he isn't someone you want to be around based upon his thoughtless comment aren't going to be productive. This will just make him angry and defensive.

    Guys will act like they don't care for a few reasons:

    1.) They may actually not care.
    2.) They may care, but you've hurt them and they don't want to let on. This is a defense mechanism. We all do it...not just guys.
    3.) They are pretending not to care to protect you. (ie from being ribbed or whatever by some third party)

    Sounds to me like your situation fits under the second one.

    Incidentally, based upon your other questions, you seem to have a sense of inadequacy and insecurity. Your questions indicate that you want to control his behavior to help you feel better about these things. This won't work. He cannot heal or fix you. You have to address your own self-esteem, confidence, sense of adequacy, etc. No one can do this for you. Trying to get these from someone else will result in a sort of emotional vampirism. They cannot fill you up, and you will continually need more...they will eventually be emotionally drained dry.

    You need to learn to have a loving, accepting, and confident relationship with yourself.

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  • by Stableboy on November 5th, 2006

    Stableboy

    Its hard to learn out to communicate in a relationship, but that's what's needed here. It can help to understand that nobody is perfect: he makes mistakes, and you make mistakes.

    To say "I don't want to be around someone who treats me that way" is too final, too absolute. He doesn't always treat you that way, no? But he made a mistake, and now he doesn't know how to correct it. He doesn't want to be embarrassed by apologizing, but that's what would be best.

    You should try to get him to have an "adult" discussion about it. To do that, you tell him something like "It hurt my feelings when you said that, and I don't think you really meant to be mean but I'd like to talk about it". Then try to listen without getting angry and passing judgment.

    There's a delicate balance in relationships: you need to be able to listen and forgive mistakes, and you also need to stand up for yourself. Being able to stand up for yourself without being mean-spirited, angry, or rude is a challenge.

    Relationships are a great way to learn to be more human, more adult, and more compassionate. If you keep trying, you'll be fine.

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  • by Anonymous on December 7th, 2009

    Anonymous

    well ask him if he mean that if he say yes then leave him

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  • by Orangepowder on November 4th, 2009

    Orangepowder

    An insensitive guy is not the right guy for you.

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