Ask a Question
or
Create a Poll
  1. Home /
  2. Questions /
  3. Entertainment
  4. / Jokes

by Anonymous on September 26th, 2006

Anonymous

Question

Help answer this question below.

What is the funniest, most hilarious joke you've ever heard?

  • Like
  • Report
Share:
Other

Answers. 583 helpful answers below.

  • by Anonymous on September 26th, 2006

    Anonymous

    Okay!! This is a joke I heard today!

    There were three guys in a forest.
    Then they were being attacked by cannibals.
    The cannibals said that they wouldn't eat them if they bring back 10 of the same fruit.
    So the three guys go into the forest to get the fruit.
    The first guy comes back with 10 apples.
    Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face."
    So the guy shoves the first apple up his a$$ and then whinces. So the cannibals eat him.
    Then the second guy comes back with 10 berries.
    Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face."
    So the guy shoves 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8... then starts to laugh. So the cannibals eat him.
    Then in heaven, the first guy says to the second guy, "Why did you laugh?! You almost had it!" Then the second guy says, "I saw the other guy coming with pineapples!"

    • Like
    • Report

    35 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by tris992000 on January 15th, 2007

    tris992000

    I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

    So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

    A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

    I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "And where do you think you're going?"


    You're gonna love this..... )

    She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

    • Like
    • Report

    9 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by Maximum Displacement on March 6th, 2007

    Maximum Displacement

    Dad: Son, if you don't stop masturbating you will go blind.
    Son: Dad, I'm over here.

    • Like
    • Report

    12 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by Rince on April 19th, 2007

    Rince

    Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.
    The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."
    So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car."

    Sorry :-)

    • Like
    • Report

    10 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by - on April 19th, 2007

    -

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
    Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
    "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
    "And what do you deduce from that?"
    Watson ponders for a minute.
    "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
    Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

    • Like
    • Report

    9 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by amanda_0517 on December 18th, 2006

    amanda_0517

    Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
    They are always getting into trouble and their parents know
    all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town,
    the two boys are probably involved.
    The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had
    been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if
    he would speak with her boys.
    The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
    So the mother sent the 8 year old first,
    in the morning, with the older boy
    to see the preacher in the afternoon.
    The preacher, a huge man with a booming
    voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
    "Do you knowwhere God is, son?"
    The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
    sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
    So the preacher repeated the question in an
    even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
    Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
    The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger
    in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"
    The boy screamed & bolted from the room,
    ran directly home & dove into
    his closet, slamming the door behind him.
    When his older brother found him in the closet,
    he asked, "what happened?"
    The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
    "We are in BIG trouble this time.
    "GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"


    I HEARD THIS TODAY AND THOUGHT IT WAS CUTE!





    I think this joke is funny my little girl told it to me I g uess that's why I like it because we just laugh and laugh together.


    What type of bread is made from a BISON?

    Answer: Buffa-loaf! (buffalo)

    Sorry if you don't like it I tend to laugh at stupid things!

    • Like
    • Report

    4 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by Mr n Mrs M... on July 13th, 2007

    Mr n Mrs M...

    A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
    One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
    He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
    His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen.
    You truly are a kind man.”

    The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

    • Like
    • Report

    3 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by Pumby umby umpkin Est. 1989 on July 22nd, 2007

    Pumby umby umpkin Est. 1989

    A woman goes to church with her husband every week, but she is always humiliated by her husband falling asleep. So after one service she approached the vicar and asked him what she should do to stop him.
    The vicar gave her a sewing needle and said, "just stab him with this when he falls asleep"

    So the next week they go to church and sure enough the husband falls asleep. As the vicar gave a sermon he asked "Who is the creator of all?" the woman poked her sleeping husband to wake him up and he shouted in pain "GOD!!!!", "Yes" said the vicar.

    10 minutes later, he fell asleep again, as the vicar asked the audience "who is the son of god?" she poked him with the needle and he jolted awake shouting "JESUS!!" "yes" replied the vicar

    Near the end of the sermon he fell asleep again, and the vicar asked the audience "And what did Eve say to Adam after she gave birth to his 99th child?" and the woman poked her husband awake again, and he screamed at her "IF YOU STICK THAT F*CKING THING INSIDE ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!!"

    • Like
    • Report

    6 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by Jodie44 on January 1st, 2008

    Jodie44

    Three plastic surgeons were playing golf together and one of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I re-attached them. . . eight months later he performed in concert with the New Philharmonic."

    One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I re-attached them, and two years later, he won gold medals in five field events in the Olympics."

    The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States.

    • Like
    • Report

    5 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by O_hare on September 26th, 2006

    O_hare

    FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.

    The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

    Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda.

    Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

    Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

    Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

    Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

    Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

    Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

    Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

    Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

    Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents there?

    Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

    Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

    Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

    Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

    Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.

    Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

    Agent: Yes.

    Pizza Man: With guns?

    Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

    Pizza Man: No f#@&in' way.

    *Click*

    • Like
    • Report

    9 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by anonymous on December 13th, 2006

    anonymous

    this joke was researched by 2 british people and they said that it was the funniest joke in the world.
    two new jersians out hunting with guns and one falls down dead. the friend starts freaking out and doesn't know what to do. he calls 911 on his cell phone and the operator answers and asks what the emergency is, the guy yells "i think my friend is dead and i don't know what to do."
    operator says "first make sure that your friend is dead."
    there is a slight pause for a moment when all of a sudden the operator heres a gunshot over the reciever and the hunter says, "okay now what?"
    i read that joke in a book called "that book of perfectly useless information" or something like that. i think its funny

    • Like
    • Report

    4 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by smart9426 on November 1st, 2006

    smart9426

    What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?
    DO-YOU-THINK-HE-SAW-US!!!

    • Like
    • Report

    7 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by Ec-nal Licensed Bootie Inspector on May 24th, 2008

    Ec-nal Licensed Bootie Inspector

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies, "there's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars; a lot cheaper than a doctor."So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "Youhave tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

    4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

    • Like
    • Report

    4 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by DriftKing on January 15th, 2007

    DriftKing

    The Twisted Jungle

    A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

    The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

    Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

    The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.

    The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. "Lion," they reprimand, "why’d you do that? He was merely trying to help us all!"

    The lion answers, "That little fucker has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

    • Like
    • Report

    5 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by Kyogre-Stataen on March 16th, 2008

    Kyogre-Stataen

    Here's one that I know.

    There was a guy who died and went to heaven. He noticed that heaven was full of clocks so he asked St. Peter, "what are the clocks for?" and St. Peter answered, "the clocks move everytime a person tells a lie."

    So the guy looked around and noticed that George Bush's clock was missing.

    "Where is the president's clock?" He asked.

    St. Peter replied, "It's in hell. Satan's using it as a ceiling fan."

    • Like
    • Report

    4 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by TheAnswerer on December 9th, 2006

    TheAnswerer

    There were these 3 students who were never late for school, but today they were. So the 1st student(a boy)comes in,the teacher says,"Why were you late?""I was on Blueberry Hill""Okay sit down."

    Then the 2nd boy comes in."Why were you late?""I was on Blueberry Hill.""Okay sit down."

    Then the 3rd student which was a girl comes in.The teacher says,"Let me guess you was on Blueberry Hill?""No,I AM Blueberry Hill!"

    And.

    The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

    The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."

    Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

    The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."

    Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.

    Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

    My all time Faves!

    • Like
    • Report

    3 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by Roger Kovaciny on September 29th, 2006

    Roger Kovaciny

    The United States has two thirds of the world's lawyers. India has 2/3 of the world's lepers. What is the mathematical relationship between these two statements of fact?

    India had first choice.

    • Like
    • Report

    2 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by guitarman18 on January 4th, 2007

    guitarman18

    A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

    The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."

    The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

    The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "Oh, about 164."

    The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', inter-stellar space travel', the latest medical breakthroughs, etc...

    The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A martini please."

    Again it was superb.? The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"

    This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.

    The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".

    The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

    "A-r-e...
    y-o-u-r...
    p-e-o-p-l-e...
    g-o-i-n-g...
    t-o...
    n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e...
    H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?????

    • Like
    • Report

    9 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by Nulinvoid on September 26th, 2006

    Nulinvoid

    Borrowed from Bill Cosby: "I don't understand drugs. I just don't get it. I had a conversation once with this guy who love to snort cocaine. I asked him, 'What is it about cocaine that makes you do it all the time?' and he said 'Well it's just fantasic, it's wonderful, and it enhances my personality ten-fold!' and so I said, 'Yes... but what if your an ASSHOLE?'"

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by XxSpoofiesGirlxX on September 26th, 2006

    XxSpoofiesGirlxX

    A guy told me this one todaya nd I thought it was cute but kind of offensive..

    If women with big boobs work at hooters, where do women with one leg work??
    IHop

    keep in mind I didnt make this one up or am not trying to make fun of anyone I just thought it was kinda cute when I heard it. But I would never want to disrespect anyone.

    • Like
    • Report

    3 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by dontcallmewave on January 30th, 2008

    dontcallmewave

    A group of kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word." The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo train. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."

    Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the shit!"

    • Like
    • Report

    4 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by King Tom on November 6th, 2008

    King Tom

    There are 10 types of people in this world, those who know binary and those who don't.

    • Like
    • Report

    6 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by Audiotron on April 17th, 2008

    Audiotron

    My wife's favorite dumb joke of mine, is also my own.
    -
    -
    -
    - What do you call a dog with no legs?
    -
    -
    -
    -
    -
    It doesn't matter. He's not coming to you

    • Like
    • Report

    2 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by ptrask on November 7th, 2006

    ptrask

    As told to me by my son when he was four years old:

    Why did the chicken cross the playground?
    To get to the other slide.

    My favorite chicken joke:

    EDITED BECAUSE IT OBVIOUSLY OFFENDED SOME SENSITIVE TYPES!

    • Like
    • Report

    5 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by Mountaineer on December 16th, 2010

    Mountaineer

    Warning: Potentially Offensive!






    A young nun, Sister Ann, has a confession to make to her superior, Abbess Gertrude.

    "Abbess, you will not believe this," says Sister Ann. "Last week, I found a stack of pornographic magazines in Father John's bedroom!"

    "You didn't look at them, did you?" the Abbess asked.

    "Of course not," Sister Ann replied. "I threw them all away."

    "Good girl," said the Abbess.

    "Oh, but Abbess," the young nun continues, "I then found a large amount of condoms in Father John's drawer!"

    "You didn't take them, did you?" the Abbess asked.

    "Of course not," Sister Ann replied. "I took out my needle and I poked holes in them!"

    The Abbess screamed and fainted.

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by Skirtsnhose on May 29th, 2008

    Skirtsnhose

    I'm partial to this one. It cracks me up every time:

    "A baby seal walks into a club...."

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by look closely it is really me on March 24th, 2008

    look closely it is really me

    A mother was bathing her 4 y/o son when looking at his genitles he asked 'are these my brains' to which the mother replied 'no son NOT YET'

    • Like
    • Report

    1 comment | Post one | Permalink

  • by GhostWriter13 has found his voice again on July 13th, 2007

    GhostWriter13 has found his voice again

    It may not be the funniest one in the world, but it always makes me chuckle to myself like a madman:

    How do you make a hormone?

    Don't pay her.

    Thanks, I'll be here all week:)

    • Like
    • Report

    4 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by audiogal on March 23rd, 2007

    audiogal

    You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop-off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you are. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both
    the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you are. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?




    Get your drunk a** off the merry-go-round!

    • Like
    • Report

    1 comment | Post one | Permalink

  • by jbigie on November 6th, 2008

    jbigie

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman enter a pub. They all order a pint, and just as they receive their pints, a fly lands in each of their beers.

    The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust, and demands a fresh pint.

    The Scotsman fishes the fly out, and begins drinking.

    The Irishman holds the fly above the glass and yells, "Spit it out, goddamn it! Spit it out!"

    • Like
    • Report

    1 comment | Post one | Permalink

  • by Retro_Rebel on April 17th, 2008

    Retro_Rebel

    2 guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by gone on April 17th, 2008

    gone

    omg i love this one it goes like this

    knock knock
    who's there?
    interrupting retard
    interru-
    blah!!! (while the other is still talking)

    • Like
    • Report

    2 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by Babycakes Deux on February 29th, 2008

    Babycakes Deux

    I have several, but here is one:
    Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

    She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

    The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

    The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

    • Like
    • Report

    7 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by dysFUNctional on December 13th, 2006

    dysFUNctional

    This one may need a little bit of thought. It's from Sherman and Peabody:

    Person 1: Did you know that during the american revolution, Americans used farm animals to help fight?

    Person 2: No, I never knew that.

    Person 1: Don't tell me you've never heard of Chicken catch a tori!

    • Like
    • Report

    3 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by Darryl61 on October 1st, 2006

    Darryl61

    Try typing "funniest joke" into the "find answers about" box at top of screen to see the answers that have been given to this question in the past.

    Edit: To the a**holes who keep rating me down or telling me to "give it up", specifically the one who gave me the -3 on 4-23-07. Just because I post a link or suggest a search doesn't mean I'm putting anybody down. I am trying to help this person find the answers they are seeking. That IS why there is a search box AND why we can flag duplicate questions. Just becuase I don't type up a joke you haven't heard, doesn't mean I'm not helping, so stick your negative ratings, and your negative comments up your un-"educated" A**!

    • Like
    • Report

    5 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by Mourningsun on January 30th, 2007

    Mourningsun

    Q - Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

    A - It was dead...

    • Like
    • Report

    1 comment | Post one | Permalink

  • by frank_52 on January 7th, 2011

    frank_52

    Dear Dad,
    $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
    Love,
    Your $on
    Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
    Love, Dad



    a guy goes to the doctor n says, "hello, I would like to be castrated." " that's a life changing operation," says the doctor."are you sure you want to do it?" "yes of course and if you refuse ill go to another doctor." the doctor says ok n the man had his operation n he's walking around the hospital the next day with a bandage around his privates area. then he sees another man with the same thing so he says " I see we got the same operation" "yes I've been waiting to get circumcised for 37 years and I finally done it.." the other guy looks all panicked n says "oh shit! that's the word!"

    • Like
    • Report

    1 comment | Post one | Permalink

  • by girlie on May 16th, 2010

    girlie

    A man asks his wife "what would you do if I won the lottery?" She says, "I would take half the money and leave your ass." He replies, "good, I just won $7.00 on these scratch cards. here's your $3.50, now get the hell out!"

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by snakelover on June 12th, 2008

    snakelover

    A man calls the sheriff's dept telling them that he thinks that his neighbor is hiding marijuana in his firewood. After about 30 minutes, the police show up & start chopping away. Of course, they find nothing. His wife calls shortly after they leave & asked them if he got the forewod chopped yet. "I sure did."

    • Like
    • Report

    1 comment | Post one | Permalink

  • by khammer on April 23rd, 2008

    khammer

    Why can't you hear rabbits having sex?
    They have cotton balls.

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by csimme01 and Ninja Cooper UNMASKED on April 17th, 2008

    csimme01 and Ninja Cooper UNMASKED

    Mushroom walks into a bar and starts pounding down drinks. After the third drink the bartender asks
    "Whats the problem buddy, anything I can help with?"
    The mushroom says
    "My problem is women. I just cant seem to get a date. If tried everything and nothing works. I cant seem to get a girl to go out with me regardless of what I do. I just don't get it... Like come on I'm a fungi!"

    • Like
    • Report

    4 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by singwell-is off researching a lot on April 19th, 2007

    singwell-is off researching a lot

    Did you hear about the romance between the two blood vessels?
    They loved in vein....

    • Like
    • Report

    1 comment | Post one | Permalink

  • by Beauty on March 5th, 2007

    Beauty

    I heard this joke from my biology teacher.
    What do math teachers do when they're constipated? They work it out with a pencil!

    • Like
    • Report

    5 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by Anonymous on April 21st, 2008

    Anonymous

    Q: How do you thoroughly embarrass and confuse an archeologist?

    A: Give him a use tampon and ask him which period it is from!

    Sorry if it's a bit disturbing to some...

    • Like
    • Report

    1 comment | Post one | Permalink

  • by socrateswasfat on April 17th, 2008

    socrateswasfat

    two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other muffin and says "boy its hot in here"
    the other muffin says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN"

    OR

    this mushroom walks into a bar and orders a beer. the bartender says "sorry mushroom, we dont serve your kind here"
    the mushroom says "why not, im a fungi" (fun guy)

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by Anon on April 17th, 2008

    Anon

    I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I was like, that's a great trade! Especially if they're crappy children.

    -Demetri Martin

    • Like
    • Report

    1 comment | Post one | Permalink

  • by Harro Mique on January 8th, 2007

    Harro Mique

    what was tigger doing in the toilet? looking for pooh!

    • Like
    • Report

    1 comment | Post one | Permalink

  • by ... on January 30th, 2007

    ...

    I personally like this one.

    Three explorers are exploring an island when they are captured by the island natives. The native tribe's chief tells the explorers that if they ever want to be freed, they must pass a series of tribal tests.

    "The first test," said the chief, "is to go into the jungle and find ten of a certain type of fruit". The three explorers agree, and run out into the jungle to collect the fruit.

    10 minutes later, the first explorer comes back with 10 apples. "Now", the chief said, "you must shove all 10 of those apples up your a$$ without making any facial expression." The explorer tries, but on the 3rd apple, he winces. So they kill him.

    5 minutes later, the second explorer comes back with 10 cherries. The chief tells him to do the exact same thing. He does, but on the last cherry, he begins laughing, so they kill him.

    In heaven, the first explorer asks the second "Why the hell did you start laughing?".

    The second explorer replies "I saw the third person come out with pineapples."

    • Like
    • Report

    3 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by staffie on December 21st, 2006

    staffie

    Short Little Johnny Jokes

    Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
    Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

    __________________________________________

    Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park. Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum. "Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?"

    Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old fashioned."

    Johnny takes another drag, "Spit out your gum, I wanna play PRESIDENT!"

    __________________________________________

    Little Johhny strolls into school on Tuesday. The teacher stops him in the hall.

    "Johnny, why weren't you in school yesterday?"

    "Sorry, Miss, but my dad got burned"

    "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope it wasn't badly?"

    "Well, they don't f**k about at the crematorium, Miss!"


    i like the little johnny jokes i think they are the best lol


    Heaven First

    On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class Which part of the body went to heaven first.
    One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God. The teacher praises the little girl

    Then a little boy raises his hand and says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love. "Very good," said the teacher.

    The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

    Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, "Oh god, I'm coming!



    Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
    "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

    "To make myself beautiful," she replied as she began to remove the cream with a tissue.

    "What's the matter," asked little Johnny. "Giving up?"



    '"

    • Like
    • Report

    2 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by trouble54 on September 26th, 2006

    trouble54

    What did the cannibal do to his ex-girlfriend?


    ...he dumped her...

    not the funniest joke, but the first one that came to my mind

    • Like
    • Report

    4 comments | Post one | Permalink

Want to attach an image to your answer? Click here.

Did this answer your question? If not, then ask a new question or create a poll.

More Questions. Additional questions in this category.

You're reading What is the funniest, most hilarious joke you've ever heard? - which can also be phrased in the following ways:

  • What is the best joke you have ever heard?
  • What is one of your favorite jokes?
  • What is the funniest joke you ever heard
  • Whats the funniest joke you've ever heard?
  • What's the funniest joke you know?
  • Whats the best joke have you ever heared that has made you laugh?
  • Whats the funniest joke you ever heard?
  • What's the best joke you've ever heard?
  • What is the funniest thing/joke you've ever heard?
  • What was the most funniest joke you ever heard or watched that makes you laugh everytime you hear or see it?
  • What is the funniest joke you've ever heard?
  • What is the funniest joke in the world?
  • What's the funniest joke you've ever heard? I need some cheering up too lol
  • What is the funniest joke you ever heard of
  • What is the funniest joke you have ever heard?
  • What is the funniest Joke you've ever heard? A litte laughter makes the day go by faster ;)
  • Whats the funniest joke you know?
  • Can anyone tell me the best joke they've heard, I fancy a good laugh...
  • What is the greatest or the funniest joke you have ever heard?
  • What is the funnest joke?
  • Whats the funniest joke youve ever heard?
  • What's the best Joke you've ever herd?
  • What is the Funniest Joke you have ever heard so far in your life?
  • What's the funniest joke you've ever heard?
  • What is the best joke you have ever heard, no restrictions?
  • Whats the funniest joke you have ever heard
  • Tell me the funniest joke or riddle you know
  • Whats the funniest joke you've ever heard and what is it?
  • What is the funniest joke you know? (please no racist jokes)
  • What's the best joke you've heard?
  • What's the funniest joke that you can think of?
  • Can you tell me your best joke?
  • What is the funniest joke youve ever heard?
  • What was the most hilarious joke you've ever heard?
  • Funniest joke ever?
  • What's the best joke you know?
  • Whats the funnies joke you have ever heard?
  • What is the funniest JOKE you've ever heard? (Don't limit yourself to one! Let us be the judge!)
  • Best joke you've ever heard was..?
  • Can you tell your funniest joke?
  • What is the funniest joke you have ever heard
  • Whats the best joke youve EVER heard?
  • Whats the funniest joke you've heard?
  • What is the best joke ever?
  • What is the most funniest joke you ever heard?
  • What is the absolute funniest joke in the world?
  • Whos got the best joke ever? Care to tell me it????? (favorites of dirty jokes)
  • Do you think that you can top these jokes? http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/77755/?page=24& from 229-231...
  • What is the best joke you know?
  • Whats the funniest joke you have ever heard?
  • What's the greatest joke you ever heard?
  • What is the best joke you've ever heard?
  • What is the funniest joke you ever heard?
  • What is the funniest joke you know?
  • What is the funniest joke you have heard?
  • Whats the greatest joke of all time?
  • Best Joke Ever?
  • Honestly... the funniest joke you've ever heard?
  • Tell me the funniest joke youve ever heard. idont care if its dirty or clean i just need a laugh:(
  • What is the best joke you ever heard?
  • Joke time! What is the funniest joke you have ever heard!?
  • Whats the funniest joke you have ever heard.
  • what is your best joke.
  • Whats the funniest joke you were ever told?I need a good laugh!!!
  • Do you have any good jokes, ones which are good belly busters
  • what is the most hilarious joke ever?
  • Any good jokes? And please, no corny ones.
  • Tell me the funniest joke you ever heard.

Follow us on Facebook!

Related Ads

Related Questions

Professionally Researched

ANSWERBAG BUZZ

Hilarious offensive jokes
Hilarious jokes
Hooked on phonics perjoritives
Most hilarious jokes
Funniest jokes you ve never heard

Answerbag

a Demand Media company