ANSWERS: 100
  • A guy told me this one todaya nd I thought it was cute but kind of offensive.. If women with big boobs work at hooters, where do women with one leg work?? IHop keep in mind I didnt make this one up or am not trying to make fun of anyone I just thought it was kinda cute when I heard it. But I would never want to disrespect anyone.
  • What did the cannibal do to his ex-girlfriend? ...he dumped her... not the funniest joke, but the first one that came to my mind
  • FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital. Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas. Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents there? Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: We've collected a pool of cash. Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? Agent: Yes. Pizza Man: With guns? Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: No f#@&in' way. *Click*
  • Okay!! This is a joke I heard today! There were three guys in a forest. Then they were being attacked by cannibals. The cannibals said that they wouldn't eat them if they bring back 10 of the same fruit. So the three guys go into the forest to get the fruit. The first guy comes back with 10 apples. Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face." So the guy shoves the first apple up his a$$ and then whinces. So the cannibals eat him. Then the second guy comes back with 10 berries. Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face." So the guy shoves 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8... then starts to laugh. So the cannibals eat him. Then in heaven, the first guy says to the second guy, "Why did you laugh?! You almost had it!" Then the second guy says, "I saw the other guy coming with pineapples!"
  • A little girl went to the barber with her dad and was standing by the barber's chair eating a Twinkie. The barber said, "Sweetie, you are going to get hair on your twinkie." The little girl said,"Yes, I know, and I am going to get boobs too."
  • Borrowed from Bill Cosby: "I don't understand drugs. I just don't get it. I had a conversation once with this guy who love to snort cocaine. I asked him, 'What is it about cocaine that makes you do it all the time?' and he said 'Well it's just fantasic, it's wonderful, and it enhances my personality ten-fold!' and so I said, 'Yes... but what if your an ASSHOLE?'"
  • This one: http://www.answerbag.com/q_view.php/44576
  • Here is an yes or no question. Do you know the Blonde Alphabet? no you say; Hmmmm... how does it feel to be Dumber than a Blonde?? ;) (Submitted by a Blonde)
  • The United States has two thirds of the world's lawyers. India has 2/3 of the world's lepers. What is the mathematical relationship between these two statements of fact? India had first choice.
  • Try typing "funniest joke" into the "find answers about" box at top of screen to see the answers that have been given to this question in the past. Edit: To the a**holes who keep rating me down or telling me to "give it up", specifically the one who gave me the -3 on 4-23-07. Just because I post a link or suggest a search doesn't mean I'm putting anybody down. I am trying to help this person find the answers they are seeking. That IS why there is a search box AND why we can flag duplicate questions. Just becuase I don't type up a joke you haven't heard, doesn't mean I'm not helping, so stick your negative ratings, and your negative comments up your un-"educated" A**!
  • What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur? DO-YOU-THINK-HE-SAW-US!!!
  • As told to me by my son when he was four years old: Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide. My favorite chicken joke: EDITED BECAUSE IT OBVIOUSLY OFFENDED SOME SENSITIVE TYPES!
  • Why was the pie waiting on the corner? Because he was meetin' potato (meat 'n' potato)
  • A guy from Kentucky met a guy from West Virginia walking down the street wearing only one shoe. Kentucky asked "Did you lose a shoe?" WV answers, "No, I found one."
  • Do you know the jacobs factory that makes cakes and crackers and other stuff.Well then, u say to a girl : were you born in jacobs, cos ur a real cracker!
  • A penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman 'has my dad been in tonight?' 'I don't know' replies the barman, 'what does he look like?'
  • There were these 3 students who were never late for school, but today they were. So the 1st student(a boy)comes in,the teacher says,"Why were you late?""I was on Blueberry Hill""Okay sit down." Then the 2nd boy comes in."Why were you late?""I was on Blueberry Hill.""Okay sit down." Then the 3rd student which was a girl comes in.The teacher says,"Let me guess you was on Blueberry Hill?""No,I AM Blueberry Hill!" And. The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'." Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him. Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight." My all time Faves!
  • This one may need a little bit of thought. It's from Sherman and Peabody: Person 1: Did you know that during the american revolution, Americans used farm animals to help fight? Person 2: No, I never knew that. Person 1: Don't tell me you've never heard of Chicken catch a tori!
  • this joke was researched by 2 british people and they said that it was the funniest joke in the world. two new jersians out hunting with guns and one falls down dead. the friend starts freaking out and doesn't know what to do. he calls 911 on his cell phone and the operator answers and asks what the emergency is, the guy yells "i think my friend is dead and i don't know what to do." operator says "first make sure that your friend is dead." there is a slight pause for a moment when all of a sudden the operator heres a gunshot over the reciever and the hunter says, "okay now what?" i read that joke in a book called "that book of perfectly useless information" or something like that. i think its funny
  • why to suffer trying by all means to bcome rich an d wear expensive branded clothes when best things in life we do naked
  • Q: What do you call a brunette in a room full of blonds? A: Invisible. Q: How do blonds have babies? A: Like everyone else! and you call us dumb! Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell, she has a grenade in her mouth! Q:Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A:You can park in the handicapped spots. Q:What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant. A:Is it mine? And I could go on and on but I'll stop here.
  • Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you knowwhere God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!" The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. "GOD is missing, and they think we did it!" I HEARD THIS TODAY AND THOUGHT IT WAS CUTE! I think this joke is funny my little girl told it to me I g uess that's why I like it because we just laugh and laugh together. What type of bread is made from a BISON? Answer: Buffa-loaf! (buffalo) Sorry if you don't like it I tend to laugh at stupid things!
  • A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', inter-stellar space travel', the latest medical breakthroughs, etc... The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A martini please." Again it was superb.? The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?" This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end. The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50". The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e... y-o-u-r... p-e-o-p-l-e... g-o-i-n-g... t-o... n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e... H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?????
  • what was tigger doing in the toilet? looking for pooh!
  • I am not sure what the funniest one I have ever heard is...but there is one that sticks in my head for some reason. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory??? For throwing out all the W's.
  • what is a blonds definition of safe sex? a padded dashboard
  • What do you call four blondes in a row? A wind tunnel. (And I'm BLONDE folks, it's just a joke!)
  • blond gets pulled over by traffic cop....mam may i see your licence....se takes out a mirror and hands it to him.....he takes a look......o sorry mam i did not know you are a cop too........
  • blond locks her key in her ignition.....struggles with a piece of wire...she calls for help.....manager comes out and start to fiddle with the door.......he sees the blond's friend in the car.....mam but can't your friend help you. Blond.....but she is helping me she is guiding the wire to the keys
  • fire breaks out in the blond's building......she phones the fire department......"my house is burning down!!!!".....mam give us a moment...how do we get there?.........blond "duhhh with your red trucks stupid"
  • why does the blond have bruises around her navel? you get blond blokes too
  • A blonde orders several gallons of milk. When the milkman comes, he asks "why do you need so much milk?" The blonde says "I heard a milk bath is good for you." The milk man asks "do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde responds "no, just up to my neck." NOTE: to understand it, read the joke aloud.
  • This one's not the funniest joke i've heard, but its definitely the most nerdy. If you don't understand, it's OK. So a bunch of math functions are walking along the street. Suddenly, a function runs toward them yelling "Run!!!! A differential operator is coming!!!" Of course, all the functions run away, because they don't want to be differentiated, and turned into another function. All except one: e^x. Eventually, only e^x is left. e^x and the differentiator meet. The e^x, very proud and confident of himself, says "Hi, I'm e^x". The differential operator says "Hi, I'm d/dy."
  • If girls with big boobs work at hooters where do girls with one leg work?....Ihop! I love that joke!
  • A man is lying in the bath when his young daughter walks in, points at his nether regions and says 'Dad, whats that?'. Dad thinks for a moment, and not wanting to frighten his little daughter, replies, 'oh that sweetheart? It's a baby hedgehog.' 'It's got a huge cock for a baby hedgehog'.
  • The Twisted Jungle A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. "Lion," they reprimand, "why’d you do that? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little fucker has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
  • I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "And where do you think you're going?" You're gonna love this..... ) She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
  • What do you get when you cross an Elephant with a Rhino? El-if-i-no (Hell, if I know)
  • Masochist : Hurt Me Hurt ME Hurt ME!! Sadist: no.
  • Why did the blond return the new scarf? Because it was too tight.
  • Biff gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy. "What's the matter?" asks Biff. "Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges." "What's the picture of?" asks Biff. "It's of a big Rooster," replies Buffy. "All right," says Biff, "I'll come over and have a look." So he goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads Biff into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. Biff looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake - put the Cornflakes back in the Box."
  • Manchester United
  • Long, long ago...there where 3 bears.....now there is %ucking plenty
  • okkay there was a mom who was pregnaet and she got shot in the stomach 3 times....4 months later she gave birth to triplets...one boy and two girls.....one day when they were all about 4 one little girl comes running out saying "mommy mommy i peed out a bullit" so the she tell her the story....then the next little girl comes running out of the bathroom sayng "mommy mommy i peed out a bullit" and so the mom tells her the story...the a couple days later the little boy comes running saying "mommy mommy..." the mom stop him and says "i know u peed out a bullit" and he goes "no no i was jacking off and i shot the dog"
  • this suit is black...........NOT
  • Q - Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A - It was dead...
  • I personally like this one. Three explorers are exploring an island when they are captured by the island natives. The native tribe's chief tells the explorers that if they ever want to be freed, they must pass a series of tribal tests. "The first test," said the chief, "is to go into the jungle and find ten of a certain type of fruit". The three explorers agree, and run out into the jungle to collect the fruit. 10 minutes later, the first explorer comes back with 10 apples. "Now", the chief said, "you must shove all 10 of those apples up your a$$ without making any facial expression." The explorer tries, but on the 3rd apple, he winces. So they kill him. 5 minutes later, the second explorer comes back with 10 cherries. The chief tells him to do the exact same thing. He does, but on the last cherry, he begins laughing, so they kill him. In heaven, the first explorer asks the second "Why the hell did you start laughing?". The second explorer replies "I saw the third person come out with pineapples."
  • hmm will let me see if I have this right The son of a mob boss was sitting at his desk writing a note for X-mas it read: Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a good boy this year and believe... Just then the boy throws away the paper and starts over Dear Baby Jesus, I have don't nothing to bad and I believe... The boy throws out the paper and starts to think...he gets an idea and runs into his mom's room and grabs the statue of the virgin mary, he runs back to his room and puts it in the desk draw. then smiles and starts to write Dear Baby Jesus, If you ever want to see your mom again you better make sure I get everything I ask for this year haha I love that one
  • Here's one I heard a while back. A businessman coming home from work decided to check into a hotel and ask for a call girl. The opperator told him that there was only one girls left who was Japanese and didn't know how to speak English. The man accepted anyway. When the girl arrived, the man started immediately. In the middle of things the girls starts screaming "sung wa!" the man thought this meant "great" or "fantastic." The next day, the businessman had a golf game with a Japanese business partner. Amazingly, the japanese man mannaged a hole in one. Thinking back to the previous night, the man decided to use his newly learned phrase. "Sung wa!" he exclaimed. The japanses man looked back at him, baffled. "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"
  • this has already been asked http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/126468
  • The Aristocrats joke (coincidentally, the best movie, too)
  • Most recently it's this: How many lightbulbs does it take for a person who can't tell a joke to screw it up? I mean.....
  • A police officer pulled over a car full of people for going too slowly on the freeway. He approached the driver's window and asked the driver, "This is the freeway! You're going much too slowly." The driver said, "The sign over there says the speed limit is 10." "That's the highway number, not the speed limit." replies the officer. "Why do your passengers look so suprised?" "We just got off of Highway 287."
  • I heard this joke from my biology teacher. What do math teachers do when they're constipated? They work it out with a pencil!
  • What do you do if you see Jesus walking down the street ? You give him a bible and say Jesus this is your life. You'll get this if you know the uk tv show this is your life.
  • I know a joke. The best joke ever in fact. I can't tell it, unless I want to get banned from answerbag forever, though. Lets just say thatit could top other joke out there.
  • Dad: Son, if you don't stop masturbating you will go blind. Son: Dad, I'm over here.
  • You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop-off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you are. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you are. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk a** off the merry-go-round!
  • The best joke right now...George W. Bush acting as President of the United States of America...
  • guy: Hi lady! may i have the pleasure of dancing with you on the floor (in the club)? girl: but what about my pleasure? another one: you laugh because i am different, i laugh because you are ugly. :D
  • I really don't know why, but this joke really makes me laugh... LOLL laugh out loud louder
  • Parody on Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen) by Bad News band
  • Whenever I think of the question '''Try to insult me as much as you can in just 2 words''''I laugh.I can never forget this question in my life. I wonder who invented those words LOL
  • Delboy falling through the bar on only fools and horses.
  • Anchorman-
  • I'm not sure if it qualifies as the funniest, but my favorite to tell is "The Brick Joke." I can't write it here because it doesn't work.
  • Democracy
  • Anything having to deal with "your mom".
  • Did you hear about the romance between the two blood vessels? They loved in vein....
  • A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
  • Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
  • Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
  • Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet. The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross." So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car." Sorry :-)
  • These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was hurting his business. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
  • This will make sense if you are familiar with the UK Tv show. What do you do if you see Jesus walking down the street? You give him a Bible, and say "Jesus - This is Your Life".
  • A blonde and a brunette are walking through the forest. Suddenly, the brunette is attacked by a bear. The blonde throws a rock at it and it runs away. She calls 9-1-1. Operator: What's your emergency? Blonde: My friend just got attacked by a bear! I think she's dead! Operator: Ok, calm down. Now, I need you to make sure she's dead before I can help you. Blonde: Ok, one minute. From the blonde's end of the line, muffled: Chk chk... BANG! Blonde: Ok, what's next?
  • Q How many blonds does it take to change a lightbulb? A 150 one to hold the lightbulb and 149 to turn the house.
  • SHE WAS SO BLONDE................. * she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said concentrate" * she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind * she got stabbed in a shoot-out * she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK" * she thought TuPac Shakur was a jewish holiday * she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order * she sat on the tv and watched the couch * she sent me a fax with a stamp on it * she tried to drown a fish * she thought a quarterback was a refund * she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death * if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back * they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade * under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics" * she tripped over a cordless phone * she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept * at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius" * she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store * it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes * if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless * she studied for a blood test - and failed * she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center * she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats * she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train * she sold the car for gas money * when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends * when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved * she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill * when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead * when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home. * Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
  • A Bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in comes four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices join in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2 - 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
  • Printed on both sides of a card: How do you keep a Blonde busy for hours? (Please turn over)
  • I think this is very funny; check it out http://darkmonkey.org.uk/4/Main/1399/
  • Never underestimate a soft style self defense
  • Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world." They all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official; I AM the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I AM now officially the smallest person in the world." Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the heck is Rosie O'Donnell?"
  • Funny italian joke A single father of 3 had no time off from work for almost a year and finally got a day off. He thinks to himself that he needs to know his sons better. So he scheduled a sit down with each of them at different times. He calls his eldest son, Joey in and asks "Son, whata you like to do fora fun?" "Papa, I like to lifta weights" "thatsa great! You keepa lifting the weightsa and you will bea bigger than Lou Ferregino" He calls in his next oldest, Mikey and asks, "Whata kina hobbie youa have?" "Papa, I likea to racea cars" "Thatsa Great!! You keepa driving thema cars you willa be as famous asa Mario Andretti!" He calls in his youngest son, Tony and asks, Sona, whata you like to eata?" "Papa, I likea to eat a pussy!" Stunned the father yells, "what? pussya tasta likea shit!" Tony replies, "Oh but Papa, you takea to biga bite"
  • A bear was taking a crap in the forest when he looked over and saw a rabbit also taking a crap in the forest. The bear asks the rabbit, "Excuse me, do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?" The rabbit thinks back, then replies, "No." So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.
  • Paris Hilton in jail!
  • What kind of socks do pirates wear? Arrrrrrrgyle
  • This: http://www.jumpstation.ca/recroom/comedy/python/joke.html
  • Jack was set to marry Jill, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said “Jack, let me tell you something: On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, ‘Here, try these on.’” She tried on the pants and said, “These just don’t fit,” to which I replied, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had a problem.” “Hmm,” said Jack, thinking this might be worth a try. So, on his honeymoon Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, “Here, try these on.” Jill does so and says, “These just don’t fit,” to which Jack replied, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don’t want you to ever forget that.” So, Jill took off her pants, handed them to Jack and said, “Here, you try on mine.” Jack does so and says, “I can’t get into your pants,” to which Jill replied, “Exactly. And if you don’t change your attitude, you never will.” It's funny, not the best, but funny.
  • THIS IS THE FUNNIEST JOKE IN THE WORLD!!
  • this is definitely the funniest joke in the world
  • It may not be the funniest one in the world, but it always makes me chuckle to myself like a madman: How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her. Thanks, I'll be here all week:)
  • A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
  • This took me a second to get it, but it's definately a good one! :D A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis." "So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!" The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!
  • I lie awake waiting for you. As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you lay on my naked body... You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... … you frigging mosquito.
  • Airline Pilot wrote in their log book, "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement" Maintenance crew replied in the log book, "Almost replaced left inside main tire"
  • Q- What did the penis said to the condom? A- Cover me I'm going in!! Its not the best but it makes me laugh.
  • I'm not Fred Flintstone but I can make your bedrock

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