I would give you the shirt off my back if i knew you needed it but, people are constanly using it to thier advantage. I dont want to stop helping people but how do i tell they really need help and not just wanting "a easy way out" of what they need or wan

I am very similar. I have literally given the shirt off my back to someone before. I am the type of person who will actively help others when possible.

However, there are alot of people who will take advantage of that. If someone cannot or will not have what they need for their survival, the survival of their family, or basic needs, then I will help. If it is just something that would make them a little more happy, but wouldn't harm them to do without, I will only help if it won't take something from me that would put me in need myself.

this isn't the answer you are probably looking for, but nice people finish last -- it's a statement that i exemplify 100%.

people have tried to convince me to be mean, and fight against my natural instincts. i tried. it didn't work out so well for me. i still help people. i'm still nice, and i still get taken advantage of.

so if i can't change myself, and i can't change other people, what do i do? i change the circumstances, the surroundings, the chances, the environment. i try to recognize the signs before it gets too far, and place yourself in situations where it is less likely to occur.

i can't change my desire to help people -- even complete strangers -- it is part of who i am. i can't change the guilt that follows when i even TRY to turn someone down (even someone who deserves it), but i am getting better at recognizing who truly needs the help and who just wants to use me. i still feel guilty, and sometimes i still even help, but i gets easier if you finally accept the fact that it's part of the person you are, and not just an action you take.

you get to know them believe then you will beable to tell the differance in a momoment

Teena, I know exactly how you feel. I've given away so much and loaned out so much, and I just feel very used right now. Two girls who were living together asked me for $200 to pay their rent. I loaned it to them and they went out to dinner instead. I loaned a kid $20 for gas and he ended up stealing $1,400 from me that same night. It makes me not want to help anyone anymore. I hate it that other people have made me that way, but it's true -- they have. I'm very bitter right now. My friend suggested that from now on my "charity" needs to be directed towards people I don't know. Maybe you could try that, too. Good luck!

I think it's important to understand WHY you do this. My ex said we are all looking for ways to have value. Some people lose themselves in art or music, etc., others gain it from helping others. If the payback sucks, the giver feels cheated. If the recipient doesn't understand that and doesn't give you the level of validation sought or something back (helping you back, respecting you, telling mutual friends that you helped-you get it), you won't enjoy the experience. The limits should be set by you. One has to lie down to get walked all over. A tough lesson, but I learned it (finally).