Ask a Question
or
Create a Poll
  1. Home /
  2. Questions /
  3. Relationship Advice
  4. / Breaking Up
  5. / Getting Over A Breakup

by BlkPassions07 on September 11th, 2006

BlkPassions07

Question

Help answer this question below.

I want to vent for closure on my ex for leaving me and marrying someone who didn't love him and abused him. Should I call, write or face him? He married her and she divorced his ass. I wonder does he regret leaving me? How should I handle this?

  • Like
  • Report
Share:
Other

Answers. 7 helpful answers below.

  • by Stableboy on September 11th, 2006

    Stableboy

    You should really consider not venting at all -- not on him, and not on anyone.

    Our culture has developed this stupid and unhealthy notion that we're "teapots", and that if we don't vent on people we'll explode or have some other terrible consequence. Nothing could be further from the truth. "Venting" is just evidence that we don't understand ourselves, can't be with our own emotional process, and lack any personal discipline and self-awareness.

    You will not get any closure from venting, at best you'll get a cheap and unsatisfying form of gratification for yourself at the expense of the other people involved. Its not a good trade.

    So, what should one do with anger? The answer is the same as for all strong emotions: learn to experience it fully, just as it is. When we experience our emotions instead of "acting them out" or suppressing them, they have a natural "flow"; they change into something else and gradually resolve themselves within the context of awareness. This awareness occurs whenever we pay attention to our internal state without trying to fix it, make it go away, or cling to it.

    If this isn't happening, its a sign that one of two things is blocking the process: either you are "wallowing" in the anger (clinging to it, enjoying the heat of self-righteous indignation, slathering up the sympathy of others, etc.), or you are resisting it -- pretending it isn't really there, etc.

    If you actually allow yourself to experience the anger, the most likely next phase will be pain. Whatever happened with this guy hurt you, and it hurt badly enough to make you angry. But anger held that way is actually a form of self-defense: you have to allow the pain to hurt, and then it can complete itself and move into the next phase, etc.

    • Like
    • Report

    5 comments | Post one | Permalink

  • by bagless77 on February 20th, 2007

    bagless77

    It sounds to me like you have invested way too much time in tracking this man's relationships. Why do you know so much about what went on in their marriage even so far as to know how she felt and acted with his family? It is apparent that you still have feelings for him even though you know that acting on them would not be wise. You need to resolve this yourself. I had an awful break up many years ago and it left me devastated. He moved out while I was gone for the day and rent was due in 5 days. He took the car I had just bought (I put it in his name because I couldn't get insurance under mine) and left my 2 children and myself homeless. I couldn't understand how I still loved him and hated him at the same time. In order to get these feelings under control, I drank a lot that weekend with my girlfriends (LOL) and just sat down and wrote him a letter. I read it over and over and then simply put it away. I still get a pang every now and then wondering if he ever regrets leaving me, but then it passes and I remember what a terrible thing he did and that his negative energy is not something that I need in my life.

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by yoho05 reminds you to DYOH on September 12th, 2006

    yoho05 reminds you to DYOH

    I have to disagree with Stableboy, here. Closure is a healthy thing, and I don't think that anger is the main emotion that you are feeling right now . You have a new relationship, so you have moved on with your life.

    I don't think that 'venting' is the right word for what you are seeking; I think that what you want is some factual truthful answers about why you were lied to. You know that what you were told doesn't have the ring of truth and the truth is important for you. You made a huge investment in this relationship only to have it evaporate in very short order. You also want to know why he ended that conversation in an open-ended fashion, as if he was subtly inviting you to remain a part of his life, without actually verbalizing it.

    You say that you will be in the same town as him and that you are still close to his family. That might give you an opportunity to resolve this. I think you should reconsider your decision not to contact him. I would suggest phoning him at his family's home (if he's staying there) and ask for a short meeting. Let him know what it's about and ask for 10-15 minutes of his time, for auld lang syne, if necessary! Meet in a public place, such as a coffee shop, so he won't feel 'trapped' if the conversation gets too close for comfort. Just ask the questions you want answers to and don't get sidetracked. You might not get the answers you need, but even if you don't, let him know that he will always have a little place in your heart because of the love you used to have for each other. Then you will have done everything you can; and you will know one of two things- either he doesn't regret how things turned out or he is unwilling to admit that he wishes that things had worked out differently. Either way, this is the point at which you have to let it go.

    I hope it goes well for you.

    • Like
    • Report

    1 comment | Post one | Permalink

  • by BlkPassions07 on September 12th, 2006

    BlkPassions07

    QUESTION OVERVIEW:
    To give a clearer description of what happened.

    I agree to every answer so far and I'd just like to clarify that I'm not out to hurt him emotionally anymore than he's already been. I would actually like to give him love and support. I understand it didn't work between us and that's FINE but I didn't understand then and sometimes I still question myself. Only because I moved 1,000 miles from home for this relationship and two days later its over & right before Xmas. It was hell. I believe I need to know the truth due to the reason he gave; within my heart it knew it was a lie. REASON: WAR : Don't know if I'm coming back. Understandable to a degree.


    Now I also understand as GOD says he's reaping what he had sown. I know he's paying for what he done to me. This relationship hurt more than I expected and I managed moved on with my life but I've allowed myself to hold this anger and love.

    I realize that I need to let this GO I'm not stupid but I'm not the type of woman that can just walk away from something unexplained or fabricated. I am a WOMAN of truth and I believe that MEN AND WOMEN should be honest with each other especially if the person is asking questions time and time again. I asked him was he sure this was what he wanted he assured me then fabricated the truth when we split. The truth hurts more but being lied to in the mist of the truth is much more painful. I've accepted the pain. Which happen cause me to hold on a lot longer because I was lied to. I hope all of you understand what I'm saying.


    I want to approach him in a nice friendly way not to be mean or bitchy. I just want to communicate & see where his mind was or is. I want to be able to put this behind me and marry my boyfriend. I don't think I need a explanation as to why we split its more of why didn't you contact me to let me know you were okay and that he made it back from war in one piece. I partially accepted it before he left that it was over and what hurt the most was that he acted like I dropped off the face of the earth. Yes, I'm angry about that. I saw him a few months ago and he stopped me as I was riding past...we had general conversation.. I congratulated him on his engagement and the end of the conversation he advised me that I knew where he could be found. Why didn't he end the conversation with a nice see you, take care. I felt what he said was miss leading once again if I would have been weak I in the knees I would have went running but I didn't. I left town the next day. I havent spoke to him since even though he gave an open invitation to contact him. I will going to our home town next month and I guess ill see what happens then. If he want to talk to me fine if not that's cool too. He'll have to approach me I will not approach him other than a hello when I go visit his family. I told him when we split that he'll never be able to detach me from his family and he agreed. More than likely he'll be there or find out. Im not out to disrespect him in anyway.

    IN ADDITION TO THE QUESTION:

    Id also like to add that he did marry this female. She basically hated his family she wouldnt eat, sleep or relieve herself at his mothers home. She would not communicate with them at all. She wouldnt cook, clean, work or anything. Two days after the wedding she was caught letting a man drive her husbands truck. I guess that issue was resolved. Problem 2. She wouldnt eat dinner that he prepared for them she'd sit and gossip on the phone. Assumed he was fed up and took the phone. Discovered it was another man on the line. She started smacking him around again fed up with this; he smacked her back. The female returned from the kitchen with a knife and stabbed him thru the hand =(. A week or so later he was in a bad car accident and she didnt show any signs of sympathy. She didnt show at the hospital after 5 days no card,no call. The same way he did me>>not even to see if he ALIVE. The couple was married less than one month may2706 back at home before july0406 he's back at square one w/ the people he kicked to the curb for her.

    I wonder if he regrets any of this?

    His twin sisters who are(13)told me this they believe that he should have stayed with me because I would have never treated them poorly or harmed their brother...I just laughed,apologized and said I wasnt what he wanted but she was but there was nothing that could ever change the love I have for them.

    Please give all opinions no holding back

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by tjatherton on September 11th, 2006

    tjatherton

    Leave him alone. Don't talk to him unless you can stay away from the subject of his failed marriage and your old relationship. Best just to avoid him at all cost. If you need closure, then write a letter to the tooth fairy or Santa Claus.. Grow up and move on.

    • Like
    • Report

    1 comment | Post one | Permalink

  • by BlkPassions07 on September 12th, 2006

    BlkPassions07

    I dont want him to admit hes wrong. He know for himself that what you must reap what you sow. I understand that his life has taken a toll on him and thats not my fault. You cant do wrong and get by. No, his answer does not have a effect on my life i just want a honest adult conversation. God is the only man that has control over my future; not any other man nor myself. I know i may exprience situations that are left open-ended in the future but not in the form of love I pray.

    Thanks for the advise

    Blkpassions07

    • Like
    • Report

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

  • by Osomerset on April 28th, 2009

    Osomerset

    You're still holding onto feelings for your ex. It isn't so much a matter of venting but more so to 'I told you so!' Get over it! Let it go; he made his choices now he has to live with them. As for you, you deserve better of yourself. Have a little self-respect and move on. Life to far too short to be caught up in the kind of crap you're talking about.

    No comments. Post one | Permalink

Want to attach an image to your answer? Click here.

Did this answer your question? If not, then ask a new question or create a poll.

More Questions. Additional questions in this category.

You're reading I want to vent for closure on my ex for leaving me and marrying someone who didn't love him and abused him. Should I call, write or face him? He married her and she divorced his ass. I wonder does he regret leaving me? How should I handle this?

Follow us on Facebook!

Related Ads

Related Questions

Professionally Researched

ANSWERBAG BUZZ

Regret leaving ex
Letting your ex vent
Why writing letters doesn t work when you want to vent
Lone shoe
Husbands regret leaving

Answerbag

a Demand Media company