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by anonymous on August 21st, 2006

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Is there anything wrong with holding a grudge?

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Answers. 23 helpful answers below.

  • by Stableboy on September 4th, 2006

    Stableboy

    Several people have commented about the way that a grudge hurts *you*, rather than hurting the other person. Those are all valid points and worth considering.

    The underlying problem with holding a grudge is the damage it does to the relationship, which includes you and the other person. To hold a grudge sets up a "barrier" between yourself and the other person -- as if there was a wall between you. The natural joy and satisfaction of being related is choked off in this separation. The separation is inherently painful, and so we often suppress the pain: we pretend it doesn't matter, or we just avoid the other person, or we constantly get into conflicts with them, etc.

    Forgiveness is the process of giving up one's attachment to the thoughts that produce this barrier. When you can say to the other person "this thing happened, and I felt hurt, and I was angry, but I still want to be your friend and would like to get it resolved", the pain will start to go away, and a certain measure of "aliveness" will start to return to the relationship. This is a natural part of healing the "break" caused by the original incident (whatever that was).

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  • by MyKinKStar on August 29th, 2006

    MyKinKStar

    There's nothing wrong with holding a grudge, but there's nothing good about it either!

    A grudge is only felt by you, and only hurts you, so it's best you find a way to let it go. Holding onto it will otherwise kill you, or at least lead to you making bad decisions if you're ever faced with that person and having to do something one way or the other.

    Work on yourself, as hard as you can to let the grudge go. It doesn't mean you have to be best buddies with the person. You don't even have to be a friend (again?). It just means you no longer feel anything towards them. It will be difficult, but you will grow in the process and be a better person for it in the end.

    Contrary to what is often said, life is not too short! Life is TOO LONG to waste on such worthless emotions or feelings.

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  • by tjatherton on August 21st, 2006

    tjatherton

    No, but the only one you hurt is YOU!!

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  • by N_T_P sleeps with fishes on April 20th, 2007

    N_T_P sleeps with fishes

    i have succesfully held a grudge for 5 years and counting, haven't spoken to my father since and i still live at home!!!!! it used to hurt and make me cry but now i'm indifferent to the b*****d, couldn't care less if he lived or died.

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  • by Glenn Blaylock on August 21st, 2006

    Glenn Blaylock

    As I wrote in another answer (http://www.answerbag.com/q_view.php/71233), my idea of forgiveness is letting go of the negative emotions you hold toward a person who has wronged you. In doing so, you cleanse your soul and free yourself from the suffering that such emotions bring. However, this does not necessarily mean that the person who has wronged you should escape from justice for those wrongs. If someone steals from you, you should forgive them, but that does not mean that you will trust them with more of your money.

    So, is it wrong to hold a grudge? That depend on what you mean by a grudge. If you mean, "Is it wrong to go on hating someone who has wronged you?" Then the answer is yes because your hatred is just doing harm to you. On the other hand, if you mean, "Is it wrong to distrust someone who has wronged you?" Then the answer is no. You would be a fool to trust someone who has proven untrustworthy unless that person has shown true repentance. Just what he must do to show this depends on how seriously he wronged you.

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  • by Lucybell on September 14th, 2009

    Lucybell

    Yes. The person that you are holding it against can move on and be perfectly happy.

    By holding a grudge, you are hurting yourself by not allowing yourself to get over in and move on.

    However, there are situations where you can want to get over something, but it still hurts you. In that case, I don't know what to do?

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  • by SABOTEUR on September 14th, 2009

    SABOTEUR

    Yes.

    You have to HOLD it.

    Tends to get heavy after a while.

    Soon you forget why or even realize that you're carrying anything.

    You just feel burdened.

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  • by anguilla on September 14th, 2009

    anguilla

    I say it's fine to hold a grudge UNTIL the other person agrees to meet you halfway. At that point, you should completely put aside the problem and have a good future relationship.

    But there's nothing like a good grudge.

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  • by Wordtraveler on April 20th, 2007

    Wordtraveler

    I can best answer that question with the following anecdote:
    *****
    A Lesson about Holding Resentment
    Two traveling monks reached a river where they met a young woman. Wary of the current, she asked if they could carry her across. One of the monks hesitated but the other quickly picked her up onto his shoulders, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other bank. She thanked him and departed.

    As the monks continued on their way, the one was brooding and preoccupied. Unable to hold his silence, he spoke out.

    "Brother, our spiritual training teaches us to avoid contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!"

    "Brother," the second monk replied. "I set her down on the other side, while you are still carrying her."
    *****

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  • by Bluerose on March 19th, 2007

    Bluerose

    You hurt no one but yourself by holding on to a grudge. It's like carrying around excess baggage - you don't need it.

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  • by mindfarm on September 19th, 2006

    mindfarm

    How about keeping it simple? What positive thing does holding a grudge accomplish? I personally think it is wasted energy. you can choose to or not to talk to someone anymore, but holding a grudge and letting it be in control of your thoughts and feelings is a waste.

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  • by Anonomous on December 18th, 2009

    Anonomous

    Well, is it eating you up inside?

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  • by Zack on November 12th, 2009

    Zack

    Well if the unfortunate thing I'm thinking actually happens to the arshole who pissed me off, I wouldn't be holding a grudge in the first place. Oh yea, people tell me it's a very bad thing. Takes up much needed enegry and all that.

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  • by annabelle on November 12th, 2009

    annabelle

    Well someone's holding one against me right now and it sucks.

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  • by bobcat on September 14th, 2009

    bobcat

    We live in a society where we choose who we want as a friend.If you are holding a grudge it will only stress you out and you cant go forward with your life.Sometimes people dont understand something we do can break up a friendship and it will never be the same.There are certain things in your life that you can change such as who you associate with.You can forgive that person but just cause you forgive them that does not mean you are going to put your self in that situation again.Basically if that bother you that bad then let it go.

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  • by monkey do on April 22nd, 2007

    monkey do

    Holding a grudge is a lot of emotional work. You only have one life to live & I'd rather spend it working on something emotionally fun. Besides - I really don't like drama.

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  • by Anonymous on August 21st, 2006

    Anonymous

    Yes. it will give you ulcers. its hard sometimes to forgive a person, but you will be a better person for it. you will sleep better. it works.

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  • by pooh1790 on February 1st, 2010

    pooh1790

    Share your answer...

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  • by pooh1790 on February 1st, 2010

    pooh1790

    I work in a large organization where the top mgt is unscrupulous & unethical plus they pick lower mgt to be much the same. One man in particular went out of his way to make my life miserable. I am a minority and older but can't retire because of this man. I won't write a novela, suffice it to say this man has directly interfered with my plans to retire & cost me not only thousands of dollars but indirectly contributed to my wife's declining health. He thinks he has broken my spirit but what he has done is piss off the wrong person. Do I hold a grudge? You damn right I do and eventually I will balance the books. I feel very justified in holding a grudge.

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  • by KMBorup@gmail.com on June 8th, 2010

    KMBorup@gmail.com

    You people are a bunch of idiots!!!!!!Why the hell would you hold a grudge????It will kill you and suck out your soul!!!!!!!......You guys relize that a grudge is a monster that has the creepiest presence and then kills you.I'm glad i'm not holding a grudge.

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  • by canbfrisky on June 8th, 2010

    canbfrisky

    If something is a daily thing - like being "flipped-off" of course not. If something really bad happens like a betrayal then it's normal to feel upset for a while but hate it like holding onto a hot coal and throwing it at the person (s) you're angry at ; it'll burn you by holding it but only bounce off the person you throw it at.
    If something happens ...lets say Horrific (To awful to mention) than that takes a very long time to get over...you may even need therapy. I guess could give a terrible example would be - My Sister was taken by some bikers to a farmhouse and kept there for a week The things they did I cannot repeat. Now SHE was damaged for life...Whereas I still cannot say I forgive these animals. (I put my fist through two walls - from one room to the other. ) So, this is like a "sliding scale" kinda Q. Small things ahh let em' go bigger things TRY and forget and forgive. Big things TRY also to forget. Good Q.

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  • by AnonymousGirl on June 8th, 2010

    AnonymousGirl

    Yes, of course. Grudges are very unhealthy. They hurt you more than they hurt the people you are angry at. Why destroy yourself over somebody else's actions?

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  • by ray0071 on December 18th, 2009

    ray0071

    We live in an age where humanity as a whole is constantly acting irresponsible.

    People cheating on each other, doing drugs to feel better or have an edge in their sport, lying, disloyal etc...
    Just look at the Earth and how we are destroying the very thing that sustains us to understand the height of our irresponsibility.

    The question asks about grudges, well let me tell you, the Earth is being damaged now and though we may feel sorry and talk about having to do better, the truth is we probably won't get it until the Earth hits back and holds a grudge against us.

    It seems we do not understand unless there are consequences. In life, I hold myself to incredibly high standards. If someone wrongs me though, and its malicious, something very sinister, then I will indeed hold a grudge. That is not to say I spend my life thinking about the person, actually not at all, but I will definitely avoid them and keep them at a distance.

    People often say life is short and its not worth holding onto grudges. I like to say life is short, so try to ensure you have quality people around you!

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