ANSWERS: 51
  • I think you should consider breaking up. I mean, you want to get married and even if it is cold feet from him, I believe you should consider your options:) How long have you been together & how old is your boyfriend?:)
  • If it's unacceptable to you then maybe you SHOULD break up. He probably won't change his mind. Just because he want to marry doesn't necessarily mean he isn't commited though. Ultimately, will you be pestering him for years about getting married? It wouldn't be received well. If marriage is what you want look eleswhere.
  • My advice: find a new boyfriend whose life-goals are more in line with your own.
  • I used to think that marriage was just a piece of paper until I met the man I married. If marriage is that important to you then you need to find someone with the same goals. Or the two of you need to compromise on this issue. But if he says he wants to wait until you have children to get married then my feeling is he has no intention of marrying you.
  • It is important to remember that in our society today, generally, there is nothing in it for a man to marry a woman. As a matter of fact many times, when a man signs that particular contract, he is potentially signing away his home, his business and probably half of what he has worked so hard to earn. Whatever you have in your relationship, be it companionship, love or even a sense of commitment, it is not contingent upon marriage. Should you still feel compelled to demand marriage, you most likely should find a man who is amenable to it, as opposed to imposing it upon someone who doesn't want it. It is unwise to attempt to change someone and far more rewarding to accept one as he is.
  • Explain to him that marriage is not just a peice of paper. Its a promise. A reassurance. That youll be together forever. Maybe he isnt ready for it. Who knows. But you have to talk to HIM about this, not us. Because as much advice as we can give, we cant get you out of this situation by ourselves. Good luck ~+~
  • Tell him to look at the laws of the state. Marriage is a lot more than "just a piece of paper." Ask someone who is currently discriminated against in terms of the 1000+ rights that come with marriage. If that's all marriage is to him, perhaps he is not the best person to consider getting married to.
  • It shows a screwed up way to start a life with someone. You shouldn't have to jump through hoops for him to marry you. I don't know about breaking up with him, but certainly as hell don't have his baby or marry him.
  • Do you still love him? Do you want to have his baby? If the answer to those two questions is yes, get a lawyer to draw up a support agreement for you and the baby, and have him sign it. Then decide.
  • well before you break up with him ..see if he will sign a contract stating that he WILL marry you after the baby is born, if he does then thats a commitment of sorts ...if he baulks at it then walk...no run.and leave him
  • I would break up with him. Your boyfriend wants to make YOU have a baby? Tell him the operative word is WE or US. Without it, he can kiss the baby bye bye.
  • There is a reason the "normal course of action" is, "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage".... Yes, some people chose to do things their own way - and when both partners agree on it - that's fine. But, if you feel he can not or chooses not to make the committment to you that you need in order to make the ULTIMATE committment of being parents together, then wait. I wouldn't necessarily break up with him, but I wouldn't get pregnant either. I would try to work it with him and see if there is some reason why he has this need to have a child first. If you can not resolved the issue or AGREE (both sides, mutually) on a course of action, then it may be time to part ways.
  • Trust me on this...he won't marry you after you have children. He's placating you. If he wanted to be married he'd follow through and then have children and create a family with you. Why should your children be born to a "baby daddy?" If he has the commitment to bring life into this world with you, why not the commitment to prove his love for you through a simple ceremony (that, if nothing else, will make your life infinitely easier, legally speaking)? A man not ready for marriage is a man not ready for parenthood. I don't know that you need to break up with him, but you two need to talk this one out. Good luck.
  • I wouldnt break up with him, but i wouldnt have a baby first! you need to get married and have some commitment there first. This is starting your family. A baby just makes the family grow. But it is kind of odd that he wants the baby first. Do you know if he has any specific reasons?
  • If he wants you to have his child, he should also be willing to have you as his wife! If he won't make that commitment to you, then I would say, definitely no to the whole baby thing. Whether or not to break up with him, depends on how long you're willing to wait for a proposal, and the possibility that it may never come. Good luck.
  • That doesn't even make any sense to me. Does he want to make sure you're fertile before he commits the rest of his life to you? Why should your marriage be based on his selfishness? How can it be love if he's expecting too much from you and putting too much pressure on you? Yeah, breaking up with him might just be a good idea. I don't think the issue is that he doesn't trust you. I think the issue is that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with someone until he knows for sure that she can give him what he wants before he exchanges vows. Maybe I'm wrong.
  • I would dump him.
  • I think that it does show a lack of commitment and trust. To me it makes no since, why would you wait till after having a baby to get married unless he wants to make sure he has a baby before he makes the commitment to marry you because he really doesn't want to marry he really just wants the baby so why marry you if he wasn't going to get a baby. To me this is awful and you should break up with him because if you have to have a baby before he marrys you then he doesn't deserve you.
  • Thanks for all the good advice. Sometimes he makes me feel like I'm unreasonable to want marriage. I think maybe he's afraid to marry someone infertile, or he is just scared that if we get divorced it would cost him money
  • Ok... If he Wants to have a baby SOOOOOO MUCH! then he should marry you! He could just run off win he gets what he wants! think about it?!
  • Ugh! What a nightmare. Well, at least he wants to have kids. At least you have that! I have to be honest. I don't know what to tell you. But if it were me I would try to leave.
  • Well, I wouldn't have sex until after we were married, so that wasn't a problem for me... It sounds like you DO have a commitment from him, he just doesn't want to make it formal for some reason. Maybe he's afraid of divorce if the child changes your relationship too much, and thinks that would be harder on both of you than just breaking up... but if I were you, I'd hold out for that commitment.
  • He actually gets "angry"? Time to lose this joker and find a real "stand up" kind of guy.
  • I'd walk away. You have things in common but this is a HUGE uncommon. I'll bet having children will not make any difference. Some people do not want the legal commitment.
  • What's he afraid of marriage so much for? Why do you have to produce the child first before the paper? That's backward. First make a stable SECURE home for a family and THEN have the family and kids. I don't think he's serious about the security part, sorry to say.
  • Sounds to me he just want's to TRY to have kids, if you know what I mean.
  • Thanks for all the helpful advice
  • Just be patient hun, believe me,When I dated my second husband many years ago, he used to say to me "don't even think about getting married" as much as I wanted to get married, because I am kind of old fashioned in that respect,. I played miss cool and aloof, I pretended that I was not the least bit interested in getting married,lol. LMAO!! I just played his game, like it didn't mean anything to me,I even told him that why would I marry him, when there were so many other guys out there that would have given their right arm to ask me for my hand in marriage.lol. Guess what, the fourth year after having an exclusive relationship, he finally said to me "why don't we get married?" Of course thats what I was waiting to hear the whole time anyway, I just wasn't letting on thats what I was really waiting for.See patience is a virtue,and if you love your man that much and your willing to stick it out and play the waiting game, then girl go for it,it sounds like you really love this man,and undoubtedly if you give him an ultimatum,you could lose him forever, you know how guys are?, they hate to be pressured into things, you have to be patient, really, I tried the ultimatum thing years ago with another man, it doesn't work. I have been living with my BF ken for seven years now,after the first 3 years I kept needling him and hinting around that I would love to be his wife,of course in the meantime he was still married to his estranged wife and could not commit,and I knew and understood that,but I finally gave up the idea of ever getting married again, and if he should ask me sometime down the road, it will mean more to me that I didn't nag him about it, it will at least be his own idea, which means more to me.And of course I will say yes, :). BTW< I just turned fifty in March and Ken will be 42 in August, yes, it is true, My name is really Barbie and his is ken,lol. If you still want to have children in the meantime, and you want to create a child out of love, then so be it,because sometime down the road, he will want to marry you anyway.God Bless ,Hugs Barbie
  • Stand your ground. If you want kids after marriage then that is what you should have. If he is not agreeable to that then maybe you should find someone else to be with. It may be hard but it is just my opinion.
  • Sounds backwards to me.I would want to be secure in a relationship before I'd even think about having a baby.
  • While marriage neither makes nor breaks a relationship if you two have different goals then perhaps you should reconsider having children with him. I don't think this is an issue to compromise with.
  • Um, he doesn't sound very mature. Please think it over very carefully.
  • sounds like ulterior motives to me. Let him fly.
  • So..your purpose as far as he is concerned is as a "vehicle" to get what he wants, which is a baby? Hmmm..what happens when the baby arrives? What if he decides (too late) he doesn't want the hassle, burden, responsibility and leaves? What happens to the "result" of his desires..the little kid? Doesn't sound like a very promising start to anything long-lasting, as far as I can see...children are used entirely too much to fulfill parents expectations..that is not their job! :(
  • Yes. This guy is dangerous. He has no concern for your security but is leaving open the option for himself to bolt. Normally I would never recommend paranoia but this guy has just turned on my suspicious-o-meter and blown it off the scale. He has the potential to create a life-time of misery and hardship for both you and your child and he doesn't care. What else doesn't he care about?
  • Doesn't sound like he wants marriage, just the "benefits".
  • What do you want? If you want to be married, just put your foot down and say "I won't have children unless we're married. Period. End of discussion". What's all the thrashing-about for? Do you want children? Are you concerned about your biological clock ticking down perhaps? Are you concerned about being 35 and not being married, does that have some negative implications for you? These are all questions designed to raise awareness -- you want to understand in detail your own feelings and thoughts on the matter, and then when you're clear about that, make choices that fit for you. From the sound of your question, I think you're sidestepping your responsibility for the situation a bit -- life is waiting for YOU to say what should happen, and you're looking over at him.
  • You have to get to the real reason for his attitude about marriage. Were his parents divorced? Was there a lot of conflict in their home? - Tell him that a birth certificate is just a piece of paper, too. Tell him that you won't register the birth of any child you have together because that piece of paper is not what makes a parent. - Let us know what he says.
  • He just wants a trophy that says "Hey, I got laid and this is proof!". Kick him in the nuts and then kick him to the curb.
  • I am in a similar situation but I am 24 and he is 39. I really want to get married and start a family with him but he seems reluctant to get married or even make any sort of committment but he would be happy if I fell pregnant tomorrow. I'm confused, he says he loves me and does want those things but when I start talking about taking the next step he gets hostile, I dont want to get married tomorrow but just a committment from him. Why do guys gets so touchy when it comes to committment? Is he stringing me along cause I feel that way, I dont know if it would be best to leave him and make another life for myself whilst im still young enough to do so. Help i'm confused.
  • It may be that he knows you don't want kids out of wedlock, and he doesn't want kids right now. So in telling you to have kids first before marriage, in essence he is avoiding having them by throwing a twist which he knows you'll not accept. He wins. Maybe you need to reconsider this guy if he's not serious about you. The whole 'marriage is just a piece of paper' line is the sorry excuse used to defend his stand. I've had that one used on me before when in reality he was just being selfish, taking his sweet time and being scared of marriage. If you can't wait longer, tell him you don't think this relationship is right for you. Don't go into the marriage and kids thing - he already knows that. If he loves you, he'll propose and marry you. If he doesn't, you're better off without a guy who is doesn't think about your needs and feelings.
  • You already know the answer. Your future children deserve to have a father with character. This guy isn't interested in character.
  • He will marry you AFTER the children are born? Never heard that cop-out phrase before. How old is this person? He may be your boyfriend, but you really need to dump him. his comments are very disturbing and suspicious. If his love for you is genuine, he will ask you to marry him. living together is okay and i agree that a marriage certificate will not hold a couple together, unless they want to be together. THIS is what concerns me about his love for you. Only you can make this decision. you know him better than anyone else.
  • with his attitude, whether you get married or not, there's a pretty good chance that you will end up single parenting or solo parenting. do you have the resources to do this? do you have what it takes to parent your children if he denies they are his? I think he's sending you big red flags...move away, move far far away...know that he is giving you all the signs that you will be gravely disappointed if you stay with him.
  • I would express to him that the only way you will have kids is if you are married, be persistant, if he does not agree, well then maybe he isnt for you. If it means so much to you he should respect that, im sure you do plenty of things to please him.
  • The ONLY thing in life that you can't UN-do is having kids. If getting married AND having kids is important to you, this is not the right guy. Move on while you are still young enough to make ALL your dreams come true.
  • Do not have kids with him unless he commits.
  • Honey i would have kids then marry him cuz hes the best thing that ever happened to you and you need to gett a little if you know what i mean wink wink. Just marry him when you have your 5th child. thanks ur welcome Dr. Darbtha lee jones im related to fe fe jones.
  • If he doesn't see the soundness in marrying you before you have children he will never understand it and will never marry you. Find someone who wants to be a complete husband to you and wants to be a family in every way for keeps, not one who plays games.
  • Marraige is part of life. It's one of the very few goals that we are sub consciously trained to astrive for from when we are very young. People who want to avoid marraige are doing so for a reason, and "it's just a piece of paper" is NOT a viable excuse to not get married. Find out that reason BEFORE you have kids with him! Good luck.
  • Sorry to say I have been in your shoes. We have been together 6 years. We are in our 40s and tried IVF (very expensive, which he paid for) to have a child on the promise that "of course we'll get married when you're pregnant." He has even given me a diamond ring, although not an ENGAGEMENT ring. I felt something wasn't right about it but thought that his paying for it was some demonstration of good intent. Only the IVFs both failed, and now we are basically running on fumes. My gut says I dodged a bullet, even though I really loved the guy. I really think he would have finked out and made me his baby-mama. Long story short-a guy who is that withholding will be a bad husband AND father.

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