I am currently wirting a book pertaining to the ignorance of the everyday consumer. Would anyone be willing to give a hilarious or stupid quote actually said by a customer? I will write a dedication to you in the book.

I used to work in a movie theatre. We would put out display bags of popcorn. The bags were mostly full of newspaper with popcorn on top. Well apparently someone stole one of the bags and then had the audacity to complian that we had filled his bag with paper. He even insisted on speaking to the manager. It was all we could do not to laugh.

When I was a chef, we used to tease new waiters by telling them the specials were 'Cream of sumyunguy soup', 'Chicken lips' and 'Leg of salmon'. Somebody once ordered the leg of salmon.

Well, one time I was with my friend in Target in line behind someone who bought home decor type item. They apparently broke it or dropped it, and asked the cashier for a lower price after explaining they did so.

Oh yeah, the quote...

"Excuse me, when I was looking at this, I lost grip and dropped it in the floor... Is there any way I can get a giscount on it by chance? I guess you could say I have butter fingers(laughs)"

It was supposed to be funny because they also purchased Butterfingers... but in reality it was funny, because they were idiots...

The best I can think of off the top of my head would take forever to explain so I will go with the next best.

I had a woman call me at my jewelry store who wanted me to look up her account info and to make a payment on her store credit card. I looked up her info and told her for the payment she could come in but I couldn't do it over the phone.

She asked if she could use her credit card to make the payment.

I replied that should not be a problem. After all we take Visa MC AMEX etc.

She, getting agitated, asked me why I couldn't do it over the phone.

I said I would need her here to see her I.D. and get her signature.

She said that she didn't understand why, since I had her account info in front of me, I couldn't just process the payment.

This went on for a couple more volleys until it hit me to ask her.....Maam, am I understanding that you want me to make a payment on your store credit care WITH YOUR STORE CREDIT CARD?

She said YES.

She actually thought that she could just put the payment on the same card. It took me another few volleys to make her understand why we couldn't.

This incident is about a Starbucks clerk and not the consumer. i hope it qualifies.

Wife went into Starbucks for coffee for she and i.

Wife paid for the coffee with a debit card. the clerk could not get her debit card to work. after three tries, the clerk discovered he had slidden the card backwards and upside down. my wife, watching this happen, looked up at the clerk and said, "dumb ass".

The clerk was so shocked at my wifes comment, that he punched in the wrong amount owed for the coffee and stated that my wife had over $2,000.00 in change coming back to her!

Realizing this huge mistake, the clerk laughed, my wife laughed and demanded her $2,000 change for using her debit card.

To this date, when my wife and i go into this Starbucks, this clerk tries to hide from my wife. and, i don't blame him.

At a restaurant woman asks me "I heard that artificial sweeteners are bad for you now. Do you have any diet soda made with real sugar?" I'm not kidding. This was today!!

i had a customer ask me what size batteries her dildo took and she then took it out of a black bag. and when she left she told me she loved me

I worked at Zellers here in our small town. A woman came to the customer service desk furious that the calculator she had just purchased didn't work. She complained that the numbers would not clear from the screen, so I took the clear plastic protective sticker off of her calculator and sent her on her way.

My sister also works in retail, she had a male customer who went absolutley wild that this particular store was selling recycled toilet paper. It took a few minutes of him ranting and raving about hygene before she could get a word in to tell him that it was made from recycled news papers and other reading type paper.

I know once a friend of mine asked the person if what she was buying came from a free range cow. She was buying mineral water. Is this stupid enough?

I worked at KFC and I asked the customer if it was takeout
I ask the customer:"Is it for here or to go, sir?"
Customer replies: "It's for go here"

There are sooooo many...but my favourite that we get every single day is;
"Where do you keep the ice?"
"...Really?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, if we kept it anywhere but the obvious place it wouldn't be ice anymore, would it?"
"Oh. Freezer then?"

Common idiot questions while working in a clothes shop:
"Is this where I try on clothes?" - At the fitting rooms
"Is the toilet in here?" - At the fitting rooms
"Is there an upper floor in here?" Right by the stairs.
"Is there a way of getting upstairs without using the stairs?" - Right by the lift/elevator

I was working for an insurance company and the woman who sat behind me was on the phone one day. A customer came in to talk to her, saw that she was on the phone, looked me right in the eye and asked, "Is she on the phone?" I just looked at her and said, "You're kidding, right?"

i work as a hotel desk clerk, one night after i checked in a guest he asked if he would have to put down a deposit to sleep in the beds(he was being serious) i politely informed him that was included in the price. the next day he called my corporate mgr and told him he had to sleep on the floor because i went to his room and removed the bed because he could not afford the deposit...THEY ACTUALLY WROTE ME UP!!!

I used to work at Sears and No-Bucks selling home appliances. One day this very coleric woman came in armed to the hilt with many technical questions about several different appliances the kind of information you'd have ot be a human computer to spew out as fast as she was asking them. I answered those that I could in between repeating, "Gee, I really don't have that answer for you off the top of my head, but I would be happy to look up all the information for you and if you would share your telephone number with me, or return at a later date, I'd be happy to share what I've found!" or some variation or abreviation of the same.

After about fifty questions I began to say "Maam, I don't..." She interrupted and finished the statement for me and said rather loudly, "I guess you don't know much, do you?"

I said, "Maam, there's a lot of general information I can tell you right here and now. You are asking me for a lot of technical specifications. No one can memorize as much technical information as you are asking for. I would be happy to take the time to look all this up and get back to you with all of it. I have been taking notes."

She replied, "Well, I came here looking for answers and I want answers."

"I'm perfectly happy to get you those answers, but it will take a little research."

"But I need the answers today!!"

"Maam, if you want accurate answers, it will take some time. The only way I can give you all your answers today is if I make them all up out of thin air and imagination."

She looked me square in the eye and said, "Well, at least you might SOUND credible and I would have more confidence in you!" (I'm NOT kidding, she really said that!)

So I said "Maam, I'm not interested in SOUNDING credible. I am only interested in BEING credible, and I don't think I can help you."

I wondered for a while after that, if it really is true that you can't be honest if you're in sales.

The last comment I made to her may seem foolish, but this is the kind of customer you DON'T want. They always come back to bite you with problems after the sale.

I'm not sure if this is strictly relevant, but it amused me anyway. I used to work in a 3 star hotel in Wales:

A woman who claimed she had a booking called to ask for directions to the hotel. She was well within the Welsh border. I told her to take certain turnings then follow the signs for the town centre.
She replied "Will the signs be in English or will they be in a foreign language?"
(bite tongue!!!)

When she arrived it turned out there was no reservation in her name, or any name remotely similar. Luckily we had a room spare- I apologised profusely and booked her into the spare room. She came down ten minutes later to tell me she didn't like the room. I shifted her to another.

She came down again at dinner time and asked if we served bar meals. I handed her the bar meals menu, which has "Bar Meals" written on the front. She read it, handed it back and said "what about bar meals?"
Me:"Those are the bar meals" (Is there a way of saying that politely?)
Her: "They're not really bar meals though are they? They're more like restaurant meals."
Me :(trying not to sound sarcastic) "Those are the meals we serve in the bar."
Her: "Do you do scampi" (scampi is not on the menu)
Me: "I could ask the chef"
(I ask the chef who explains we don't have any scampi and I explain this to her- she trots off to the bar and orders battered cod)

Nest morning she arrives as the desk to pay and says she's unhappy with her room. I ask what the problem is. She says that when she phoned up to book she was told by the receptionist that we were a five star hotel on a par with the Hilton (we were nothing of the sort). Curious as to who might be stupid enough to say something so obviously not true to a customer I asked who she spoke to and when
"About ten days ago" she replied "I spoke to a male receptionist"
I finally figured it out. We had no male receptionists or office staff.

She was at the wrong hotel.

I worked at IGA a few years ago stocking shelves. That is what I was doing one day, actually most days, stocking shelves and this lady approches and asks "Do you work here?"

I was too nice to say anything, uh, 'witty, but wtf-udge!

You could always go with the people who want "the government to keep their filthy hands off of my Medicare"...;-D...

I work at a nursery and the worst is when people come in trying to describe a plant that they saw somewhere:
Customer: "it was green, it had big-ish leaves and flowers."
Me: "sir, that's not enough information."
Customer: "Well, can you take me to someone that's a little more knowledgeable please?!"

Working at the Grand Canyon.

"Is there a dining car on the mule train?"
"Where's the escalator to the bottom of the Canyon?"

{Apparently a number of Japanese tourists were scammed by some dude who sold them a ticket for the Grand Canyon Escalator.}

i was working at my job and someone called me and said are open? well duh, if i ansewrd we must be open right?

I was at the movie theatre the other day and watched an interaction that blew my mind. The movie tickets were $8.50 and the patron ahead of me handed the cashier a $10 bill, a quarter, a dime and nickel. I suppose she was trying to be helpful by just getting $2 back. The cashier said, oh there's only $10.40 here. That clearly boggled the patron, who said, how much more do you need? Of course the cashier couldn't figure it out. I politely leaned over and said "well you could give her another 10 cents or you could give her $1.90 in change. So the patron says "oh I have another dime right here" and hands it to the cashier. The cashier hands the patron the ticket and she walks away. I just stood their dumbfounded. The cashier hadn't given the patron her $2 in change. I guess I should have been more clear?

McDonalds drivethrough. Customer orders an iced mocha.
"Okay, would you like Skim milk or whole for the mocha?"
"2%, please."
"I'm sorry, we don't have 2% for the mochas, would you like skim milk, or whole milk?"
"What's whole milk?"
"It's... (I'm looking out my window to see the person at the order box, expecting <sorority/blonde/whatever stupid stereotype>, but it's this 80-90 y/o woman) It's milk without any of the cream taken off."
"So it's 2% then?" (Oh my god no. If it was, we wouldn't be having this conversation)
"No, 2% has most of the cream off, whole milk has none of the cream taken off. It's *whole* milk."

She eventually got skim, I don't think she ever understood what whole milk was.

I think she comes through every other day or so, and she usually says "regular milk" and I just give her whole. I figure that the buttons are labeled "mocha" and "NF mocha" (non fat) so the one that doesn't have an adjective must be regular.

Point that out in your book. There is no such thing as regular size, and between two options "regular" is not the correct answer. What's a regular size drink, or fry? I think mediums, what you get with a meal, but for drinks about half of people want a small and for fries pretty much all of them want a small.

Buy one at double the price--get one free!!!!!

What a deal!!!!

Don't pass this one up!!!

"Does this come in another color??"

"Does it have discounts??"

"I'd like to buy but no discount on it..."

After trying so many clothes " uhh,,,they're not my style"

Was in a supermarket looking at the TP. A young man working there pointed out the sale product and the "great price". Told him I was looking for the best buy not the cheapest. Then had to show him where each pkg had the total square feet written and how to calculate what you were getting vs the price. Turns out the sale product was not a deal after all. He was amazed.

I don't work but I once heard a guy in a convenience store buy livewires and then ask how flammable they were. Apparently he was trying to do one of those viral videos. I can see it now: Livewire fireball!

I was working in a Christian Book Store that offered engraving on leather Bibles. One day a woman brought in a previously purchased Bible and me "Would you autograph this for me?"

As a horse breeding farm, there were many visitors.

One group came with the father, mother and daughter. the daughter was in her 20's. They arrived in a limo, in fur coats and high heels to tour a barn!

The daughter exclaimed, "Why are all the horses in cages?"

Hello...let's turn all the mares loose with 3 studs and see what develops and who is left standing after the onslaught!

I was talking to this man about the ethics of child labors in a wal-mart (the crock pot of human brilliance) and I informed him about China, it's labor policies and near the end of my valiant speech he asked: "What, the kind of China that's used in dining sets?"