ANSWERS: 35
  • This guy's walking on the beach in L.A. and finds an old lamp. He rubs it and out comes the proverbial Genie. The Genie says I'll grant you one wish. The guy says,"I've always wanted to see Hawaii but I'm afraid to fly and can't swim. Build me a highway to Hawaii." The Genie says," Do you realize how much material is required? The concrete, the miles deep pylons, the tar and on and on. Can't you give me a break and ask for something simpler?" The guy says, "O.K. Give me the wisdom to understand women." The Genie rubs his chin for a moment and then replies, " So, do you want 2 lanes or 4?"
  • No. I can be very funny but I couldn't tell a joke to save my life.
  • Yes... :)
  • what do you call a cow with no legs?
  • So, I have this friend who works at an insane asylum as a projects director. He decided to form a rather unusual musical group that plays songs by striking various apples which have been cored by varying degrees to get different notes. They call themselves 'The Moron Tap-an-Apple Choir'!
  • NO! Im bucking useless - always forget the punchline :(
  • No I am hopeless with jokes , I never remember them anyway.
  • No, I always forget the punch lines !
  • what do you call a boomerang that won't come back? a stick :0
  • What goes up but doesn't come down? Your age.
  • Its long but here goes. Three people, [lets say jim, bob and tim] are trekking through a jungle when they find themselves in an ancient tribes teretory. The chief of the tribe says "I wont kill you if you go into the jungle and find 10 of one fruit each". So they leave for the jungle and Jim comes back with 10 bananas. The chief says "You must stick them all up your bum without laughing or we'll kill you" So Jim starts but only get to 2 and so is killed. Bob comes back with 10 grapes. The chief says "You must stick them all up your bum without laughing or we'll kill you" So Bob starts and gets 9 up his bum and starts to laugh so the tribe kill him. Up in heaven Jim says to Bob, "why'd you laugh, you were so close!!" and Bob said "I saw Tim coming back with 10 pineapples!" =D
  • The moving van driver stops at a house where an old man is sitting on the porch. "Can you tell me where 31st and Maple St. is?" "Nope, sorry, young feller." "Well, can you just point me to 31st St.?" "Sorry, I really don't know, son"...The frustrated driver says, "You really don't know much about where you live, do you, grandpa?"..."Mebbe not, son, but I ain't lost"....
  • A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The older Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 6. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid? "I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
  • I am so lousy at joke-telling that I would screw up the punchline..wish I could, my friend! :(
  • I liked this one. One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!
  • Why was the pie waiting on the corner? Because he was meetin' potato (meat n' potato). What goes "ooooOOOO"? A cow with no lips.
  • This ones doing the rounds...whats the difference between heather mills and northern rock?...one has 25 million, is on its last leg and f***ks old people for their savings...the other is a building society.
  • My son said to me (he is 7) whats the largest pencil in the world? I said umm I dunno hun, He starts laughing and says... "Pennsylvania" hee hee I know silly but it was coming from a 7 yr old ;) hope it made you smile :)
  • Dirt Easter Joke: Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water? A: I'm sorry, but it's gonna take awhile for me to get hard. I just got laid last night!
  • Did you hear what happened to the Dyslexic man when he became unbearably depressed? He threw himself behind a bus.
  • Why does the Easter Bunny hide eggs? He is embarrassed and does not want anyone knowing what he does with the chickens. .
  • Enemy calls President President:Who is it ? Enemy:I will Invade your Country! President:Well Excuse me I have an army of 400,000,00 ! Enemy Faints* The Next day, Enemy Rings President:Who is it? Enemy:Umm we have a slight problem so the war is canceled. We can't feed 400,000,00 people. Lesson: NEVER MESS WITH THE PRESIDENT!
  • obviously not, ha
  • I know where you can find a good collection of jokes... http://groups.yahoo.com/group/poddyslaughline/
  • Two guys were working for the city. One would dig a hole—he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole—fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously, one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man watching from the sidewalk couldn't understand what they were doing. He says to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!" The hole digger replies, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
  • A German WW2 joke about allied air supremecy: If the plane above you is Dark, it's British. If it's silver, it's American, and if there is no plane, it's German. Another WW2 one: An old WW2 pilot is talking to a bunch of schoolchildren of his days in combat. He says, "I was flying a routine mission, when suddenly, a Fokker appeared above me. I managed to get on his tail and blow him from the sky." Some of the boys started snickering. "Then, about four or five Fokkers started attacking our bombers, so our boys went in and we must have killed at least three". Now most of the class is giggling. "Then, a whole squadran of Fokkers dived out of the sun. After a furious dogfight, the Fokkers retreated." By this time, all the children are in hysterics. So the teacher says, "I think I should point out that "Fokker" was an aircraft company that produced warplanes". "True", said the pilot, "but these Fokkers where flying messershmitts!"
  • A man was walking his 3 dogs. A lady stopped and admired them. She asked the man what his dogs names were. He replied well, this one is "Hungry" cuz he's the eatenest, and this one over here is "Barky" cuz he's the barkinest. She asked about the third dog's name, and he told her that was "Liberace." She asked him why he named that dog "Liberace?" He told her because that dog was the peeinest!!! hahahahahahah
  • When the boogy man goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris!
  • When in a restaurant with friends Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus!
  • ok ill b nice and say 2 1. there where a blonde, branet and a red head they all had died and ended up in this weird place. then this man apears and says im am god and infront of u are stairs to heaven, theres 1 thing on each step ill tell a joke if u laugh ill send u to hell. so they started and there are 100 steps in total, they get to step 44 the brenet laughs and goes to hell then they get to 70 and the red head laughs so she goes to hell then the blonde makes it to step 99 and then starts cracking up before the guy even told the joke and before he sent her to hell he asked y crack at the last step and the blond replies i just got the firs joke.. :P:P 2. there was a blonde and she was really depresed so she waited for her room mate to leave the room and wen she left the room the blonde went into the bathroom with a rope. when the room mate came back she went to the bathroom and g=found the blonde in the bath tub with the rope around her legs, confused the room mate asks what are you doin the blonde says im tryin to kill myself then the room mate says y is the rope tied around ur feet if u wanna kill urself? the blonde then said because wen ut was around my neck it hurt and i couldnt breath.... thx 4 looking and sorry if i spelt some stuff wrong..
  • A tortoise was walking down an alley! Two snails came up to it and robbed iy. Later when giving a statement to the police it was asked....... "tell us exactly what happened" The tortoise replied........ "I really don't know." "It all happened so quickly!"
  • ok ill b nice and say 2 1. there where a blonde, branet and a red head they all had died and ended up in this weird place. then this man apears and says im am god and infront of u are stairs to heaven, theres 1 thing on each step ill tell a joke if u laugh ill send u to hell. so they started and there are 100 steps in total, they get to step 44 the brenet laughs and goes to hell then they get to 70 and the red head laughs so she goes to hell then the blonde makes it to step 99 and then starts cracking up before the guy even told the joke and before he sent her to hell he asked y crack at the last step and the blond replies i just got the firs joke.. :P:P 2. there was a blonde and she was really depresed so she waited for her room mate to leave the room and wen she left the room the blonde went into the bathroom with a rope. when the room mate came back she went to the bathroom and g=found the blonde in the bath tub with the rope around her legs, confused the room mate asks what are you doin the blonde says im tryin to kill myself then the room mate says y is the rope tied around ur feet if u wanna kill urself? the blonde then said because wen ut was around my neck it hurt and i couldnt breath.... thx 4 looking and sorry if i spelt some stuff wrong..
  • Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common? A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.
  • Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns? A. Because they taste funny.
  • I hope so. Following are two examples of "jokes," or rather, sayings: 1. A muffler:a. Kills car sounds dead. (Like "Raid kills bugs dead.") b. Softens a car's harsh knocks. +c. Is a sound investment in a car. +2.I was walking with an associate in rural Upstate New York, and we saw rocky cliffs. My associate, whom we'll call Don, then said that those were rocks you hope don't roll. I then added that if a stone were to break loose and hit you, then you'd "get a piece of the rock." (Prudential's slogan.)

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