"How many douches can I use at one time?" I explained to them they shouldn't be able to taste it.

Can I pass the fingerprint screening (to volunteer at the school) if I am charged but not yet convicted of a felony?

Yesterday, I sent an email to a guy saying that his credit card number was invalid and he needed to call and give it to us or enter the order again. His response "it's not a credit card it's a debit card". You should have seen me rant around the office with this one, I never heard anything so dumb. I don't know if the guy was visually impaired, dyslexic or had poor typing skills but it took him four tries to enter a 16 digit credit card number correctly.

I work at Starbucks and I made one lady a drink which she specified that she wanted "light ice" in. So I made the drink to Starbucks standards. Well, the lady came back 10m later with an empty cup and said, "this isn't light ice!" I didn't even know what to say to her..

"Do you work here"? (As I'm obviously working IN uniform).

Am I talking to you or a recording?

For what ever reason people will walk up to the counter and look at me and say "are you open now?".

I could write a book..after 31 years with customer service at an airline. "Would you like a window or an aisle seat?"--YES I also had a man run up to my counter (It was late at night and there was just myself and a very pretty woman working)..anyway he ran up to the counter so out of breath that he was panting and said to my colleague "I'VE GOT A REALLY HARD ONE FOR YOU!!"..I knew I would break up if I looked at her so I just kept my eyes on the computer. I assume he got an answer to his difficult question:)

i have people constanly at Walmart ask me, "excuse me, do you work here" depsite my badge being right in front of their eyes.

You say: "The dolphins are wild animals so DO NOT even try to touch them" and the other person says: "but how will I be able to ride them if I can't touch them?"

When I worked at a bar, a woman demanded that I call the cops because someone stole her weed. When the cops got there, laughing, the woman produced the pot, claimed it was hers and was hauled off to jail.

I worked for the municipal government the year we ranked #3 in development and growth for the whole country. A guy came in and said he was a hotdog vendor, and he wanted a "list of all the areas with ongoing construction." I handed him an aerial view of the county and went back to my computer.

When I worked at bookstore a man and his little son came to me and the man asked me if we had any books to help him pass a urinalysis test? I tried to explain to him what it was but he never got it, I passed him off to a rookie employee. He lieterally thought it was a written test. HAHAHAHA

there was this guy who was fascinated by the idaho potatoes and so he was asking if they grew on trees and i said no they grow in the ground.. and he thought for a moment and was like if they grow in the ground how do you find them?? i was like are you serious?? because this was a like 45 yr old guy.

"You DO KNOW what a PROSTATE is, DON'T you?" No joke.

Is it too small to fit into an envelope?

"This salmon tastes too fishy"

"You DO know what a PROSTATE is, don't you?" And I sell food in a cafe.

do u sell coffee? nah its a coffee shop but we dont sell coffee!? & did any1 leave a box of condoms here?

"Can you please ask the captain to fly slower? Because it's very shaky!" "I'm a British passport holder, where are your British lavatories?" (At this point, i wanna point outside the window and say "There")

Whats in the chicken and mushroom pie?

Have you heard the good news of jesus christ today? ( I almost got fired that day for my response LOL)

"Why do you HAVE to wake me up at 5 am to draw my BLOOD?" Me: "because the doctor ordered a daily CBC at 5 am. You can always refuse." The patient does not refuse but... The next night the same patient: "Why do keep waking me up at 5 am to draw my blood"? Me: "because the doctor ordered a daily CBC at 5 am. Speak to my supervisor if you have a dispute or you can say 'no' and I go away" and I hand them a card with my supervisor's number. Next night, same patient, has not spoken with anyone to cancel the draw: "Why do you KEEP WAKING ME UP AT 5 AM??" Me: "because the doctor ordered a daily CBC at 5 am. If you object, speak with the doctor or refuse the draw" which they usually do not do. Ad infinitum and said by more patients than I can remember. All they have to do is refuse the draw and speak with their doctor. Nooooooooo, they have to bitch and whine at me. And, of course, the standard "are you here to draw my blood?" when I walk in in my lab coat carrying my phlebotomy tray. "No, precious, I am here to dance the light fandango with you". I never say it.

As a restaurant host years ago, I would say " We have boneless chicken breasts OR for a friday special "We have fish filets' Not just once but I got the question "Are there bones in them"? One of the well-known funnies is about Catholic Christmas Mass; Q: "What time is your midnight Mass?" A "Midnight!" Reply; "Well I know some have it at 8 or 9 PM so I wanted to ask!" That happens a lot so more priests make a joke out of it the Sunday before:, "What time is midnight Mass?" they ask the congregation!

While working as a horseback guide in the mountains we encountered a large bear (about a 400 pounder) This woman from New York hands me her camera and says "Will You take my picture while I go up and pet the bear?" This as a wild bear mind you. Luckily he didn't stick around very long as I believe she really was dumb enough to approach the bear had he stuck around.

I used to work at a pizza delivery place in a small city in the middle of Southern California. Me: Thanks for calling *** Pizza. Will this be delivery or pick up? Him: (echoes) Delivery. Me: May I have your address? Him: (echoes) Well, I am in Africa. Me: I'm sorry. What was that? (I realize the echoes are due to long distance satellites.) Him: I'm in Africa. Do you deliver here? I really miss pizza. Me: Ummmm.... Sir, this store is in the United States. Him: So? Me: We only deliver to our small city, in California, in the United States. Him: Do you know the number to the store that delivers to me? Me: ???? No sir. I have no idea. Him: #(*^@^&*%@# Needless to say he was rather put out that I didn't know the number to all the African pizza delivery store fronts. I don't even know to this day if the company even had a presence in Africa.

So... uh... are you going to call the police? I am a lifeguard, wearing a bright white shirt with a bright red cross and letters above and below the cross saying "LIFEGUARD". I am holding a buoy and sitting in a chair that says "LIFEGUARD". A woman comes up to me and says: "Excuse me, do you work here?"

I worked at the front desk at a hotel in vegas and people asked me all the time " Do you live in the hotel ? "

A customer wanted to ship a package so I was asking him for the information. I asked him, What is the address you are shipping it? He said Well I don't know! It is somewhere in those papers, and tossed them to me. I said sir, I can not look through all your Social Security information. He was mad but finally gave me the address. We do help people finding addresses but they have to have some idea of where they are shipping.

I could write me a book on stupid customer sayings that I've heard. I am a manager in a restaurant, and I had one guest ask me, "Do you carry diet water?" Um...there's no such thing

While working in an underground nightclub in Romford, Essex, UK I was once asked if I could "turn the music down".

well i work in customer service, so i've heard it all .. some of my favorites .. -"hello, can i have the toy department please?" (calling toys r us) me: uhh that's like everyone man, so hold up a second - "excuse me, do you work here?" no im just sitting behind this desk, with a toys r us shirt on for fun - *man comes into to return a toy he bought literally 5 seconds ago that i helped him with* "no, i don't think you're smart enough to do this return for me .. i need the manager" me: sir, i just helped you with this toy, i've been working here 3 years i'm sure i can handle a simple return ... at which point he freaked out and started yelling for a manager and my personal favorite .. customer calls in and asks for an item .. me: sorry, it's out of stock customer: ohh ... well then can you call walmart for me and ask if they have it ..?? me: you want me to hang up on you, call walmart .. our competition store, ask if they have it and call you back??? customer: yes please ... i had to hang up at that point because i was laughing so hard

i was stocking Gallons of milk when an old lady came up to me and said, "Do you know where I can find milk?"

she: "i have international charges on my bill." me: "yes, it says here that you were roaming in toronto, ontario." she: "yes." me: "well, your plan only covers the united states." she: "i know." me: "..." she: "so are you going to remove the charges?" me: "they're legitimate." she: "ma'am, don't try my patience! i am not paying international charges when i wasn't anywhere international!" me: "okay. you reside in oklahoma, correct?" she: "yes." me: "and you were in toronto, ontario, when you made these calls. correct?" she: "yes." me: "and your plan covers only the united states, right?" she: "right." me: "so that means these international charges are legitimate. you were in canada, not the united states." she: "... *hangs up*"

Im a tatto artist. A question I've gotten, on more than one occasion, from customers wanting a tattoo is, "What tattoo should I get?"

I sale advertising for a magazine. I called an advertiser about buying from my publication and the following is the reason she gave me for not buying and I quote, "my son lives in your area and since I do not like my son I would never advertise in a magazine that he might read"...LOL That was a first for me, in all my years no one has ever given me that as a reason not to buy.

I had a customer who's phone lines were down because our local electric company was doing road construction and didn't just cut, but AUGERED into a huge phone cable, turning it into a mass of spaghetti. When trying to explain we were doing the best we could, as quickly as we could, the man advised me that it couldn't possibly be that bad and I should should set up a Satellite Link for his business. Right. I'll beam that right down to ya! ;)

I used to be in pharmaceutical sales, selling to doctors and nurses all over the country. Here's a few of mine. How many doses can I get out of this single dose vial of Hepatitis B Vaccine? Customer: I need to buy some Hepatitis vaccine. Me: Hep A or B? Adult or Pediatric? Customer: Which one is more popular? Customer: My vaccines didn't come yesterday! We needed them here this morning! What are you going to do about it??!?!!?!?! Me: I'll check on it right away, may I place you on hold? Customer: Yea, fine. Whatever!!! (hold music) Me: Ma'am, are you S. James?* Customer: Yes. Me: I'm showing you signed for that package yesterday at 2:10pm from FedEx. Customer: Oh is that what that was? (click) *names changed to protect the innocent LOL

Why are my letters wet Postman ? It was a water bill.

" Please don't put me on hold for very long. I just cannot hold very long, it's because I'm a diabetic."... What does diabetes have to do with it. I'm diabetic , and i had to place him on hold.

What's the password for my company's database and 'I've created a 2GB Powerpoint Presentation and it won't open'.

This came from a graduate from the University Of Mississippi,who said "Do you want fries with that?"

I work in a department store in the shoe department in which I get the shoes for the customers.... "Are you busy?" while helping several customers...what do you say to that? "Do you work here?" I wear a name tag. in reference to the display shoe: "is this the only size?" in response to me telling the customer that size 9 is the smallest left when they asked for a size 6 1/2: "Are you sure?" "how do you know, are you positive?" (we put the smallest size on display) "how can that be?" sometimes the customer will even ask another associate because for some reason they think we lie about what sizes we have left. A customer holding 8 different styles of shoes wanting two sizes in each asks: "Is that too many?" When I bring out the 16 boxes (because 2 x 8 = 16) they say: "oh wow I didn't realize!" I always want to say yeah 2x8 is 16!

Honestly, I've heard some really stupid stuff before- but it also comes with territory. I work in a situation where I get to hear all the stupid lies and fun stuff people make up. I also dress as if I were a customer- it's part of the job. I wear jeans, jacket, purse, head phones (at least it looks like head phones), and I work at a nice department store. The people there wear suits, nice slacks, name tags, etc. I often get asked if I work there, even though I'm nowhere near a counter and I'm browsing merchandise in my scrubby denim and tee shirts. Seriously. I've even been asked if I worked at stores I didn't work at!

i was working in a computer shop and a woman came in spent half an hour looking at computers on display then came to the desk and said "do you sell computers" another time a man came in and asked if we sold window frames it took all my self control to not fall on the floor and die laughing,i replied "weve got windows xp" and he didnt get it, apparently the unit we were in used to be a joinery. i spent the rest of the day in fits of giggles

i get this every day at work(fast food). its stuff like. "what to drink with that meal?" answer "yes" or "were closed" can i still get a..." "no were CLOSED"

I worked at a health store and had some very, very strange customers. So I could go on forever, but here are a few: Once a woman comes and says: I've been having this strange feeling in my body. Do you have anything for that? me: well, what kind of feeling? woman: I'm actually not sure... We decided it had probably something to do with her kidneys (actually she made me say it was her kidneys) so I sold her some vitmamins for that. I had a man ask me if the goat milk came from goats. Apparently our wheat grass tasted too much like grass. A man walked up to me and said: just sell me anything me: what do mean by anything man: I don't know me: hmm.. are you looking for vitamins man: nope me: something to eat then? man: no me: well I really don't know what you want to buy then, sir man: Do you sell m&ms? and many, many more!

When I was really young I worked in cosmetic retail. A customer asked me "What is a good hairspray?" I said "This one is good as well as not having any CFC's so you are also helping the environment." She said angrily "Sometimes I think that cosmetic companies are more interested in the environment than my hair!". (This was in the early 1970s.)

http://community.livejournal.com/customers_suck/ I think this website will satiate your appetite.

So, do tequila and vodka taste the same?

I don't know if it's the stupidest, but many years ago I worked at a pizza joint. Small pie, 10" - Med. 12" - Lg. 16" - people would often ask me, “how many slices is the medium?” I'd answer "8". Then they'd ask, "How many slices is the large?" I'd answer "8". It used to crack me up...

...so I was microwaving my credit card to dry it when the card suddenly crumpled and melted...

I was taking 911 calls one evening, and a lady calls in, says, "im not sure if its supposed to be this way, but the township building is on fire."

Mind you I work at a cemetery so I've heard some really strange questions: Do the people here bother you? Is it safe to come here late in the evening? How many people can we put in a grave? Is it alright if we step on the graves? Why are the headstones at the head of the graves? Do we have to pay for the service now or can we make payments like layaway at K-mart? the list goes on forever.....

A Lady once complained why we had a service fee, she said nowhere else in the world do people pay for services. I wondered what world she lives in!

While working as a theatre manager in the 60's, a man called and asked, "What time does the seven o'clock show start?"

can I return this fruit as it has three spots too many on one side than is right. (It was a william pear which naturally has little brown spots in its skin!)

I am going to be late because I need to get tea in my belly.

You can't imagine what some people come in and want to sue over. There are literally so many I can't think of the best one. Actually, I do have one, but it's a really long story, which I don't feel like typing.

Please not write fine to me--- I give you 50 pound shrimp and free pedicure, nails too, if you not write fine to me! OK I give you 75 pound shrimp yes? Oh no---I close now. You come back tomorrow. I have license renew then. Uh-oh, ticket? Thank you. You go now. I not go home now; I work for pay fine. Shrimp not good!

well i had worked customer service at best buy...so you know we get some shit... but the day after heath ledger had died me and a co worker were talking baout it (i myself love him as an actor) well a woman came up to make a return and heard wat we were talking about and what she says is "oh that sinner that played a faggot in that one movie? yeah he dided and hes going straightto hell!" i know its not work related but it pretty much pissed me off. i went off on her and seeing as the person i was talking to was a manager we had her leave the store the end

boy I could write pages and pages on this..one of the most recent though; Customer: How much is this? Me: it was $44 but it is on sale for $14 Customer: There's no discount? ME: yeah there is, it was $44 now it is $14 Customer: so there is no discount then? Me: yes there is a discount, the item was $44 but with the discount it is now $14 Customer: so how much is the price after the discount Me: THERE IS NO DISCOUNT OK! ITS $14!!!!

This is a pretty long story and I'll be leaving out names due to confidentiality. I work in a psychiatric hospital. Currently I'm in the detox center but I used to work residential. The kids I worked with were severely psychologically challenged. I love those kids to death but they say some funny stuff and think it's very serious. It's hard to keep a straight face sometimes when they are complaining about their day-to-day. Well, the worst part of my job involves restraining the kids if they get violent so they can get PRN shots that will calm them down. One day, one of my patients that has Asbergers Disease (if you know about this one, you will appreciate this story even more) got very violent. Myself and one other staff member took him to the floor and were putting him in a proper restraint so that he was in no physical harm but also couldn't move. We had done it flawlessly and he was completely unharmed but in his mind he thought we were trying to hurt him and that it was all a giant conspiracy. Another staff member walked into the safe room and my pt look at him and said "THESE GUYS ARE TRYING TO KILL ME!! BUT THE JOKES ON THEM!! THIS DOESN'T HURT AT ALL!!" I couldn't help but laugh.

I had a sign shop, with a big sign out front that said SIGNS, and this lady walks in and asks, "Do you make signs?"

At a pretty formal meeting with several executives from client companies, one of them said in a loud voice, "Do you have to pee yet? I need to go." She reminded me of my mother when I was a kid.

i work at a front desk, and a guest asked me "are y'all open?"

one time when i was working at papa johns someone told me they wanted hamburger on their pizza. So when I called it back to them I said, "So you said you want a large beef pizza, correct?" and they screamed, "I said hamburger!"

Are you calling me fat? --- I do tech support for an electronics company. We help people install web cams, VOIP phones, game controllers, and the product I hate the most Universal Remotes. This customer called on about an off brand TV and I tried all the programming methods with her, all of which failed. Me: <After explaining that if the programming process fails the remote is incompatible with the TV> I'm sorry but it seems as if your TV is incompatible with this remote. Customer: The box says "guaranteed to work". Me: Yes mam, If it doesn't work the store will give your money back. Customer: Why the hell does it say UNIVERSAL remote on it then if it doesn't work with ALL TVs. Me: Mam its kind of like when clothing says one size fits all .. Customer: What's that got to do with the price of tea in Switzerland? <I think the saying is whats that got to do with the price of tea in China but I got her meaning so I let it go> Me: ... as I was saying mam, a piece of clothing may say one size fits all but there will invariably be situations when the item in question does not fit a small portion of the population. Customer: Are you calling me fat !?!? Me: <Stifling laughter because the question took me so off guard> No mam I was just ... Customer: Whats funny? How bout you giving me your name and address so I can kick your ass? Me: I'm not allowed to do that mam. And to be honest I like my behind. Customer: <Slams phone down...Silence>

being on the chechstand with the light turn on and i get some custumers asking 'are you open?'...im like wtf??? dont u see the light duhhh im open!...lol

When i was in college, I worked at babies r- us. I had been there 1 yr and 3 month and had put my two weeks in anyways. So there were two women about in their mid twenties. Both had babies. One was a newborn. Then one started crying. So i was taking my time ringing them up because in stressful environments like that--you have to relax or you will get suprestressed. Well the other mom with the non-crying kid told me Can you hurry up, her babies crying?

sales people always facing the problem because they directly coordinating with the customers.call centre employee facing the many bad words by the customesr.in some cases customers behaving and complenting you like you are the owner of the company and he totally forget that you are only the worker.customer even not ready to understand the technical problem behind that.for example: reliance mobile bill or network problem and customer dirctly shouting to customer cares without knowing the reason.

wat is that

our uniforms at work have our name stitched on them yet people at work still ask me: "Is Ziggy Doom your real name?".

This guy order a ham n cheese sandwich and asked me if the sandwhich came with cheese

Me- Ring...ring....Good Morning, Northwest Kidney Center, how may I help you? Caller- "Ahh...yes, do you sell kidney's? Me- Pardom me? Caller-"Yeah, you did say this was a kidney center didn't you?"

I had a customer complaint about their telephone not working. After trying to diagnose the problem and listening to him vent for about 10 minutes, he tells me..."IT'S PROBABLY NOT WORKING BECAUSE THERE'S NO TELEPHONE POLES ON MY STREET!!"and hungup! ..you see, his neighborhood is newly constructed and has buried cable.

&quot;Is this the customer sevice you are providing me"

When, as a receptionist, I advises a caller that "So and So" is on another call, I am asked. "How long will he/she be?" I get the urge to answer "As long as he/she has to answer stupid questions". or "I'm thinking a week from tomorrow". That is the dumbest question anyone could ask. If I knew the answer, I would be a true psychic and would pick the winning lottery numbers so I wouldn't have to work answering dumb questions anymore.

I was working in a shop and an American man came into the shop and bought a bar of chocolate and a bottle of coke. He asked me to bring his car around so he wouldn't have to walk with the heavy groceries!!! Myself and my colleague nearly died crying!!!!!!LOL

Caller- Hi, ____ is not coming in for treatment today because he's not feeling well. Me- That's fine, tell him to watch his fluid intake and we'll see him on the next treatment day. If this problem get's worse, please take him to the ER. Caller- Ok, I will. By the way, are you open today?

I don't work anywhere, but I was at Trivium with some friends and we overheard this girl ask one of the girls who worked there "Is this for the nose?" or something like that about a bellybutton ring, earrings, and so on. In the end, she finally just said she wanted a gauge in her nose or something, whatever that's supposed to look like.

the stupidest... I asked my customer what kind of phone do you have? They said, "a black one"

The obvious but constant one: "Do you work here?" No, I just like to wear black trousers, steel toecapped shoes, and a t-shirt in the company's colours with HOMEBASE across the back and a name badge on it

As a waitress, I love it when people ask me why we are out of something or why they changed the menu..... like I personally did not order enough or the corporate office calls me on my days off to get my opinion on the menu of their multimillion dollar chain

once a customer asked me to take the tails off of his shrimp for him, he didn't want the shrimp that came without tails, but he wanted me to personally take them off, then he complained to the manager about tails on our shrimp before he even got his food sir, would you like me to chew it up and spit it into your mouth for you too

oh and how long have you worked here..... they always say that when god forbid they have to pay for the food that they already ate

while im wearing a blue vest and doing my returns" excuse me, do u work here?"

I ring them up, and as soon as they look at the total, they say, "What did I buy?" Also... This girl hands me money and then proceeds to say, "Is this a real dollar?" Customer: I'm looking for an outfit for a 3 year old. Me: What size does the child wear? Customer: I don't know. What size do 3 year olds wear? Please carry your ass out of Target. Thanks!

Phone call, I answer it and the lady askes "What time do you close this evening?" I say 9 o'clock. The lady says "is that AM or PM?" Can't fix stupid. +5

&quot;Can I speak to someone intelligent?" It just reinforced for me that he was really not happy.

Sounds like someone doesnt like their work.