I need new jokes for this year's show. Can you help me? Story jokes work the best -- nothing off-color, please (primarily a senior audience). Can you please tell me your favorite clean joke?

This is one of my favorites

When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the pearly gates
by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and
yelled: "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and
shouted: "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said:
"This is why I allowed our government to provide for the
common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane
and snarled: "It was evil men like you who inspired me to
write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashing continued as George Mason,
James Monroe and 64 other early Americans unleashed
their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an angel appeared.
Bin Laden wept and said: "This is not what you promised me."

The angel replied: "I told you there would be 70 Virginians waiting for
you in Heaven. What did you think I said?

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?'
asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,'
said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour
and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from '
Relieved, the man asked
about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple. ...

The Catholic type supports the masses;

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;

The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'

THE OLD SEA CAPTAIN

An old retired sea Captain puts on his old navy uniform and heads down to the docks once more for old times sake. He engages a lady of the night and takes her up to her room, he's soon going at it as well as he can for a bloke of his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, How well am I doing ? The lady of the night replies, Well dear old Captain, you're doing about 3 knots. Three knots he asks, what the bleedin hell is that supposed to mean, 3 knots? She says, You're knot hard enough, you're knot in enough, and you're knot getting your money back.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

"Can the people taking the train from Platform 5 please put it back?"

ahahaha, that cracks me up every time

Australian Trucker:

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown
emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.?

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.?

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.?

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says,
'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'?

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.?

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.?

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.?

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'?

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.?

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'?

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'?


'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'?

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'?

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big butt and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

I originally heard this at work and it was a " Cajun" applying for work. I later found this one online (since I can't remember enuff to hit a punchline properly) so.....no ethnic insults intended here.

JOB APPLICATION

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a
little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw
three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he
has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere a you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"

"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."


The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this guy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but
represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One
hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree
and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd,
datsa makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?"

An Irishman, is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---

but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk,
'For the love of God have you found Jesus yet.?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath
And says to the preacher,

'Are ya sure dis is where he fell in?'

One day a priest was walking by the river and saw a frog on a lily pad, "help me"croaked the frog, once I was a beautiful choirboy but an evil witch turned me into a frog, the only way to reverse the spell is for me to spend the night in the bed of a religous man,so the priest took the frog home and put it to bed, and lo and behold in the morning there was a beautiful choirboy,

“AND THAT YOUR HONOUR, IS THE CASE FOR THE DEFENCE!”

How about this one?

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .


Wait for it. .


It's coming. .


The suspense is killing you, isn't it?


She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye’

TOWEL WAIVING

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village.

The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.

The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: "And that, me son, is how ya waves a fekkin' towel!"

This is a good Story joke, really hilarious especially for the guys:

Diary of a Blonde Wife

*Monday:*


Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.


*Tuesday:*


We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.


*Wednesday:*


I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.


*Thursday:*


Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.


*Friday:*


Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.


*Saturday:*


Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?" Hmmm....It must be his job.

The Big Bad Wolf Said: I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!!!!!


The Three Little Pigs Said: (pause for suspence)


FUCK OFF OR I'LL SNEEZE ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Whats plastic and can't be bought on a store?

Michael Jackson!