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by serenitylost on January 8th, 2008

serenitylost

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My 10 yo daughter is beginning to have issues with my sexuality. She doesn't get along with my gf at all. How do I balance the two?

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Answers. 11 helpful answers below.

  • by th1s1sit on January 8th, 2008

    th1s1sit

    I think family counseling might be a good idea to sort this out. I'd search for a provider who had experience with LGBT issues.

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  • by Redhawk on January 10th, 2008

    Redhawk

    I think assuredly that with the RIGHT counselor, using a third party would be a benefit to all of you.

    I also think that stepping back and looking at the whole picture is a good idea for you.

    How long you have been WITH your GF...is this a new (less than a year) relationship? Do you Co-parent with her? Have you ever just talked with your daughter about your feelings...not that she needs to know WHAT your sexual relationship is in detail...she doesn't! But learning that what you have is NORMAL for YOU and many others, might be a comfort.

    Is your GF..bossy? I don't mean does she insist upon HEALTHY boundaries...with regards to everyone sharing house hold chores, homework, and polite behaviors..but I do mean really bossy! Are you BOTH accountable for your actions and behaviors...are you on the same track with regards to your beliefs on what constitute "good" parenting skills? Is your child LOVED by your partner, or seen as added baggage by your partner?

    I believe that children do best when they ARE responsible for some chores ALONG WITH the rest of the family. And that there are ways to also empower children with SOME active decision-making opportunities.

    But, when my partner's son was 12 (and I came into their lives) he and I had a talk...I had visited them in PA for 2 weeks, had to fly back to CA. I ASKED him if he would like me to come back and live with them.

    Now at first he didn't really understand that we were "together" as a couple and to make it more fun, (NOT) someone else had been spewing garbage to him from a religious point of view against homosexuals!

    This caused him to have some NEGATIVE feelings about it, once he figured out exactly what our relationship WAS.

    Now, at 20 years of age, he still has his own personal opinions, but they have been tempered with a lot of mutual love, consistent, honest work on our "family" dynamics and maturity.

    I think it depends on many factors. See I wanted children in my life and because my partner's son is ADD/ADHD he had already experienced some negative crap, from other (blood) family members and in school.

    He was NOT and never HAS BEEN a "bad" kid...a bit precocious perhaps from spending a lot of time with adults...and mouthy as hell when his hormones kicked in..enough to piss off the Pope at times even, but NEVER did he "seek" trouble, or to harm anyone! His teachers loved him..considerate, focused.

    His mom had been working third shift for so long, just trying to keep ahead of the mortgage, not receiving any support from "Dad" (she traded that off for less decision-making envolvment in their lives after the divorce, years before I came along...Dad has a drinking problem and is kinda a general "pluck-up.").

    I WANTED to grow to love this child and he wanted a parent who was more available and loved him. Not until he was actually working himself did he understand better and "forgive" his Mom for "sleeping" all the time...(You don't work all night without total exhaustion knocking you down all the "normal" waking hours.)

    There has to be a balance created between the three of you. Your Daughter needs to feel loved and safe, ideally by both of the adults in her life. Your partner needs to feel (it is a basic human need after all) that she is listened to and respected by both of you...just as YOU need that as well.

    NEVER argue in front of your child, about the child! That gives the child way more power and information to use against you both! If you disagree on some facet of parenting...take the discussion where the child cannot hear you AT ALL.

    And remember, ULTIMATELY...YOU are your child's advocate and guardian. I love Kyle with all my heart, he is the son of my heart and he knows this...but prior to him turning 18...while his Mother was kind enough and trusted me enough to allow me to help make good decisions FOR HIM...SHE remained (in both of our minds) the ultimate decision-maker.

    If we disagreed on something, we talked...if we couldn't agree...I HAD TO DEFER to her decision...SHE gave birth to him and struggled to keep a roof over his head, clothes on his back and food in his stomach for 12 long years without MY help or 2 cents worth being added...it is (in my opinion), HER RIGHT and privilege to BE his Mother, as it is YOURS.

    If I had NOT worked (and sometimes I failed too) to be a good parent...(investing my time, energy and MONEY into helping to support this FAMILY), if I had been self-centered and wont to bully...I would like to believe that regardless of my partner's and MY relationship...she would have told me to hit the road in a flash...and do what would be best and safest for her son.

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  • by Nuclear Kitten on January 8th, 2008

    Nuclear Kitten

    a child in that situation is going to grow up most likely quite conflicted but in time hopefully she'll come to realize the situation and become more accepting of it.

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  • by Little big mouth on February 5th, 2008

    Little big mouth

    If it's your sexuality than your daughter will have to accept it. Could it be that your gf is not very nice to her. NEVER put anyone before your child but try & have a talk with her. She might be getting teased in school. Kids can be so cruel

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  • by Lissa on January 31st, 2008

    Lissa

    Actually, my kids excepted me from the start. I would say give your daughter time, she may be trying to get use to the fact you have a gf. My son didnt get along with my ex but she was always on him about things, but he eventually learned to like her. needless to say, shes no longer with us. She left me for a dude and that was the reason my son didnt like her because he kept saying she was lying to me.

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  • by Anonymous on January 9th, 2008

    Anonymous

    If a child is simply expalined that sexuality is part of who were are im sure she will relent and accept your girlfriend.

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  • by mermaid baby on January 9th, 2008

    mermaid baby

    i would just try and do something special with her once a week just the two of you. reassure your love for her.

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  • by Yarnlady is happy every day on January 8th, 2008

    Yarnlady is happy every day

    Every child has issues with their parents sexuality. When I became pregnant with my second baby, my 16 year old son was so conflicted, he left home. It is a difficult thing for any child to come to terms with. Seek the help of a professional. You all can benefit from it.

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  • by paulalpn on April 14th, 2008

    paulalpn

    That is very difficult i know from expeirence..which is alot better now...it's not ur sexuality, i dont know the situation but in mine it was my boys rebellion and they used my sexuality to get by with it and my mother would tell them u wouldnt be like that if i wasnt gay...now my boys know they have to take responsibility for their behavior and no excuses..i even have time alone with them and not my gf to show that they mean alot to me too...then we all do something together..split up times together show everyone they are important in ur life..also i try and teach my boys everyone is different and not to judge and their is assholes out their that show hate.. i also had situations of where my gf was jealous of my boys which is selfishness..so all i can say is goodluck and try to figure out the underlying problem...sorry long answer

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  • by anonymous on January 9th, 2008

    anonymous

    I'm gay, and I have children. I don't have a live-in partner, though. For me in this kind of situation, I would seek counseling for all 3 of us.

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  • by catty1 on July 10th, 2008

    catty1

    Get rid of your girlfriend. Lesbianism is immoral and you shouldn't expose your child to it. Your child seems more perceptive than you are about your girlfriend.

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