Eeeeee. Isn't that a little taboo?

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied stripper... Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

Three women are killed in a car accident. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them they must each answer a question before she can enter heaven. To the first woman, he asks, "Who was the first man?" She answers, "Adam." The bells ring and the gates open, and she walks in. To the second woman, he asks, "Who was the first woman?" She answers, "Eve." The bells ring and the gates open, and she walks in. To the third woman, he asks,"What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" The woman scratches her head and says, "Wow, that's a hard one." The bells ring and the gates open, and she walks in. +5 for your fun question

You Might be a Fundamentalist Christian if... 10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours. 9 - You feel insulted and “dehumanized” when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt. 8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God. 7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities” attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus” and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua” including women, children, and trees! 6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky. 5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wron

When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the pearly gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled: "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!" Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted: "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed." James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said: "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!" Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled: "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence." The beatings and thrashing continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 64 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader. As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said: "This is not what you promised me." The angel replied: "I told you there would be 70 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?

can i risk offending a religion, a race and a gender in 100 words or less?

Oh! Mine didn't go all the way through... oops! 5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old. 4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most “tolerant” and “loving.” 3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues” may be all the evidence you need to “prove” Christianity. 2 - You define 0.01% as a “high success rate” when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God. 1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.

cartoons: http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.cartoonstock.com/lowres/sbo0767l.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.cartoonstock.com/directory/p/puritans.asp&h=400&w=357&sz=34&hl=en&start=2&um=1&tbnid=sPrvBvEGMQae_M:&tbnh=124&tbnw=111&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dreligious%2Bjokes%26svnum%3D10%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26suggon%3D0%26sa%3DN

During the second coming, Jesus walks into a hotel, puts four spikes on the counter and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?" __________ The Perfect High - a poem by Shel Silverstein There once was a boy named Gimme-Some-Roy... He was nothin' like me or you, 'cause laying back and getting high was all he cared to do. As a kid, he sat in the cellar...sniffing airplane glue. And then he smoked banana peels, when that was the thing to do. He tried aspirin in Coca-Cola, he breathed helium on the sly, and his life became an endless search to find the perfect high. But grass just made him wanna lay back and eat chocolate-chip pizza all night, and the great things he wrote when he was stoned looked like shit in the morning light. Speed made him wanna rap all day, reds laid him too far back, Cocaine-Rose was sweet to his nose, but the price nearly broke his back. He tried PCP, he tried THC, but they never quite did the trick. Poppers nearly blew his heart, mushrooms made him sick. Acid made him see the light, but he couldn't remember it long. Hash was a little too weak, and smack was a lot too strong. Quaaludes made him stumble, booze just made him cry. Then he heard of a cat named Baba Fats who knew of the perfect high. Now, Baba Fats was a hermit cat...lived high up in Nepal, High on a craggy mountain top, up a sheer and icy wall. "Well, hell!" says Roy, "I'm a healthy boy, and I'll crawl or climb or fly, Till I find that guru who'll give me the clue as to what's the perfect high." So out and off goes Gimme-Some-Roy, to the land that knows no time, Up a trail no man could conquer, to a cliff no man could climb. For fourteen years he climbed that cliff...back down again he'd slide . . . He'd sit and cry, then climb some more, pursuing the perfect high. Grinding his teeth, coughing blood, aching and shaking and weak, Starving and sore, bleeding and tore, he reaches the mountain peak. And his eyes blink red like a snow-blind wolf, and he snarls the snarl of a rat, As there in repose, and wearing no clothes, sits the god-like Baba Fats. "What's happenin', Fats?" says Roy with joy, "I've come to state my biz . . . I hear you're hip to the perfect trip... Please tell me what it is. "For you can see," says Roy to he, "I'm about to die, So for my last ride, tell me, how can I achieve the perfect high?" "Well, dog my cats!" says Baba Fats. "Another burned out soul, Who's lookin' for an alchemist to turn his trip to gold. It isn't in a dealer's stash, or on a druggist's shelf... Son, if you would find the perfect high, find it in yourself." "Why, you jive mother-fucker!" says Roy, "I climbed through rain and sleet, I froze three fingers off my hands, and four toes off my feet! I braved the lair of the polar bear, I've tasted the maggot's kiss. Now, you tell me the high is in myself? What kinda shit is this? My ears, before they froze off," says Roy, "had heard all kinda crap; But I didn't climb for fourteen years to hear your sophomore rap. And I didn't climb up here to hear that the high is on the natch, So you tell me where the real stuff is, or I'll kill your guru ass!" "Okay...okay," says Baba Fats, "You're forcin' it outta me... There is a land beyond the sun that's known as Zabolee. A wretched land of stone and sand, where snakes and buzzards scream, And in this devil's garden blooms the mystic Tzutzu tree. Now, once every ten years it blooms one flower, as white as the Key West sky, And he who eats of the Tzutzu flower shall know the perfect high. For the rush comes on like a tidal wave...hits like the blazin' sun. And the high? It lasts forever, and the down don't never come. But, Zabolee Land is ruled by a giant, who stands twelve cubits high, And with eyes of red in his hundred heads, he awaits the passer-by. And you must slay the red-eyed giant, and swim the river of slime, Where the mucous beasts await to feast on those who journey by. And if you slay the giant and beasts, and swim the slimy sea, There's a blood-drinking witch who sharpens her teeth as she guards the Tzutzu tree." "Well, to hell with your witches and giants," says Roy, "To hell with the beasts of the sea-- Why, as long as the Tzutzu flower still blooms, hope still blooms for me." And with tears of joy in his sun-blind eyes, he slips the guru a five, And crawls back down the mountainside, pursuing the perfect high. "Well, that is that," says Baba Fats, sitting back down on his stone, Facing another thousand years of talking to God, alone. "Yes, Lord, it's always the same...old men or bright-eyed youth... It's always easier to sell 'em some shit than it is to give them the truth."

redacted due to Vatican censorship.

A Christian mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man’s voice call from the other side. “Hello? Hello?” Jesus replied, “Who is it?” “Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son,” the old man replied. Jesus’ heart leapt with joy and he called out, “Joseph?” The voice answered back, “Pinocchio?”

A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every respect-except the clone used extraordinarily foul language. The cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in so many other areas of pastoral work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too much. The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it didn’t look like murder. The best thing, it seemed, was to make the clone’s death look like an accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge. Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall.

After the church service there a meeting with the congregation. The pastor asked the people if somebody would volunteer to paint the church over the weekend. One of the men raised his hand and said, "I'll be glad to help". The pastor said, "Okay, be here at 7 am." The next morning he got all his equipment together and went to the church. As he start to paint he notice a storm cloud coming towards him. An hour later he started to run low on paint so he added some thinner. Painted some more and again the paint was getting low. Added some more thinner and the storm cloud was getting closer. Painted some more and again the paint got low. Just as he was about to add more thinner it began to rain. The poor man fell to his knees and said, "Why Lord, why can't I finish my painting?" A loud voice came from heaven and said, "Repaint, repaint and thin no more."

"Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." - Mark Twain

A priest, a rabbi and an imam want to find out who is the most important while walking in the red light district in Amsterdam. The priest said "You wait here behind this wall and listen well". He rings the door of the prostitutes house and when the woman opens the door she says: "Oh my God, you again?"

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?” “Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.” “Oh,” she paused, “grandpa, did God make me too?” “Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.” Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

See http://www.answerbag.com/a_view/2279413

A young pastor went to visit an elderly woman in his congrgation and while visiting he noticed a small bowl of almonds on the coffee table. Being an almond lover he asked if he might have one and she said yes. They visited and visited and he nibbled and nibbled until all of the almonds were gone. He was soooooo embarrassed. "I'm so ashamed of myself to eat up all of you almonds like that, my manners were awful." he said the grandmotherly woman replied, "Aw honey if you enjoyed them I'm glad you got to eat 'em. Don't you think another thing about it. Besides, ever since I had my teeth out I can't do much more than suck the chocolate off of 'em anyway."

Before Pavarotti's death he paid a visit to the Pope, and asked him to write a reccomendation to God in order to ensure his place in heaven. "Hmmmm... OK I'll do it," replied the pope after some consideration, "but only on the condition that you never read what I write about you." "Fine! Not a problem! Thanks!" replied Pavarotti. Of course he itched and wondered what had been put in the note, but he resisted the temptation and in due course passed on. He was met at the pearly gates by an angel, who he wordlessly passed the note to and waited to see what would happen. The heavenly being read the note, smiled down upon him and opened the gates, gesturing that he was free to pass through. Before he could though he though he'd try and see if he could find out what was in the letter. "Please may I see what was written? All these years it has preyed upon my mind but I kept my word and refrained from reading it" "Well... I can't see why not, your judgement has been passed so here" replied the angel and passed the note down. Shaking Pavarotti unfolded the paper and read the words... "Dear God, here's that tenner I owe you."

A preist, a monk, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The preist looks over at the rabbi, slaps him on the back and says, "Hey, have you heard the one about us?"

Why did the Jews walk the desert for 40 years? Because somebody dropped a quarter.

The Nun & the Cabbie A nun catches a ride in a taxi. As the taxi is going along, the nun notices that the cab driver keeps looking at her in the rearview mirror. She says, "What is it my son?" The cabbie replies, "Oh, I’m too embarrassed to say, sister." She says, "Please, feel free to say anything. I’ve been a nun for many years and not too many things surprise me anymore." The cabbie says, "Well, I’ve always had this overwhelming fantasy to get a blowjob from a nun. Oh, I’m so ashamed!" The nun says, "That’s okay, I understand the need of the flesh. I will do it on two conditions: One, that you are Catholic and two, that you are not married." The cabbie says, "Yes on both conditions!" So they drive around the corner to a spot where the nun takes care of the cabbie. As they continue on their way, the nun notices the cabbie is crying. She says, "What’s wrong, my son?" He says, "Sister, I lied. I’m Jewish and I’m married!" She says, "That’s okay. My name’s Steve and I’m on my way to a costume party!"

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins? ' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody

Three preachers were discussing how they divey up the collection and what to keep for themselves. The first one said "I make a big circle on the floor and throw the money up in the air, all that falls in it is Gods, all that falls out of it is mine". The second said "I do the same but I keep what falls inside and give God what falls outside". The third said "I throw the money up and whatever God wants he takes".

Three preachers agree to confess their worst sins to each other so they won't loose respect with their congregations. The first said "I have been stealing money from the collection", the second said "I hate all the people who come to my church". The third didn't want to answer at first but the other two reminded him that they all agreed before to each tell their deepest sins so he reluctantly said "I'm a habitual gossip".

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before" The second one replies "Must be the cobbles"

whats the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture