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by Anonymous on December 27th, 2007

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Hi. I am new here but in a dilemma. I have been engaged for one year to a nice man. He is a single Dad raising a 9 year old girl. Her mom split when she was 2. The child may have ADHD, and we fight about her all the time. I fear I cannot marry him.

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Answers. 4 helpful answers below.

  • by anonymous on December 27th, 2007

    anonymous

    I'm not really sure what your question is, but I will say that it sounds like a very difficult situation. What is it that you fight about in regards to the child? You have to know that ultimately, he is the child's parent and he will have to make decisions regarding discipline, etc. If the way he deals with his child is not okay with you, perhaps it is best that you move on. It could prove to be a disaster for all three of you. More details would help those on AB to give you a more direct answer. I realize this is a general answer. You can add more details in an answer, if you like. It is common practice here.
    good luck!

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  • by Worzel on December 27th, 2007

    Worzel

    Welcome to AB. If you fight about his child you will lose every time, try to understand the situation and discuss without arguing what you are going to do and be helpful not putting more problems into an already problematic situation, not easy, I know, but the best I can offer, good luck :o)

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  • by Anonymous on December 27th, 2007

    Anonymous

    Hi, thanks for the advice. I could not type more in the field provided. The child has so many discipline problems that I cannot be alone with her. I have no children and have been single all my life. He has been too. The child has issues at school and at home. We have no time together. Thus the tension. We fight about what to do when she acts up. I say it is not typical, but he says it is for a 9 year old. She is disrepectful and acts much younger than her age. She refuses to listen or take direction from any adult. We have only been on 3 dates alone. Every where else is with the child. I had no idea how hard it would be. Now I am doubting the relationship and if I can live like this. I know the child must come first, and he will forever defend her actions. I may have just answered my own question! :) I am not happy, but we have a lease together and other responsibilities. I barely made it through grad school living with the child's disruptive behavior. I dread every day now. I just needed some support :) As I do not have much except therapy which we just started. Again, thanks!

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  • by Athrael on December 27th, 2007

    Athrael

    Even biological parents will fight over the children. IT comes with the territory.

    ADHD is an over diagnosed issue which frankly the treatment can really f--- over a healthy 'normal' child for life.

    I strongly urge folk who get 1 doctor diagnosing ADHD to find two other doctors and see what they say. Yes there are a few real ADHD children out there, but it requires spending more than 15 minutes office time with a child to know for certain. And again the treatment options can really mess a child up for LIFE if it is the wrong diagnoses.

    As for your relationship...

    The Child will forever be a bone of contention. It is usually the child that parents fight over the most.

    Different people have their different behavior modification programs (child rearing) methods.

    Couples counseling is the way to go. Yes you have been "dating" for a year and CC sounds like something that decades of marriage pushes you into.

    The truth is that we are of a generation that does not know what a real relationship is. many of us are either from homes of divorce, or were latch-key kids, or we are the product of a post WWII society where at first the nucler family was clearly defined then the 60's kind of steam-rolled over that and left us clueless as to what relationships are, what is to be expected.

    Further we signed off on monogamy and made divorce acceptable, so much so that 55% of marriages (yes the rate is climbing) end in divorce.

    Commitment, communication and Compromise is what makes a healthy relationship. In today's world we do not know where these are supposed to fall, who's "duty" it is to commit, communicate, or compromise.

    A Therapist will help the couple to find those areas.

    If it is any consultation, the Spousal Unit and I are going back to CC after over a decade of marriage. We both admit we have "problems" and we both admit we do not know how to fix them or compromise enough to make the marriage work. We understand there is a need for a third party outsider to look at our relationship and offer us some hints as to where we need to work.

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