NOTE: My answer here was previously submitted and approved by AnswerBag.com . I submitted an answer to a very similiar question: How do you know when you are in a serious relationship? (100%, 1 rating) submitted by M Moon (A, 98%, 15 ratings), Sep 08, 05 When I read the heartfelt questions here at Answerbag.com, I have the sense that many people do not take the time to consider what they have to offer in a relationship nor what they actually want in one. I use to walk in these shoes. A few years after a divorce, a friend suggested I do the “assignment” which follows here. Probably, like most people, I was dating somewhat haphazardly, never really understanding that there were considerations that might help me get focused. Actually, at that time, I didn’t think I needed to be focused: I thought, “If it’s meant to be ... it will [magically] just happen!’ What follows are the instructions for a written “assignment” for those of you who are wondering, “What do I have to do to be in a good relationship?” With encouragement, humbly I say, “Just try it.” While there are never any certainties in life, I pass on this self awareness technique and will tell you what it genuinely did for me later: Before you begin, always remember that this, your written document, is for your eyes only! It is meant to clarify your own personal thinking and is not meant to literally share with anyone else. Purchase a blank, lined yellow legal pad. At the top of the first page, write: “MY FANTASY MAN [or Woman]” Write down the following subtext just beneath the title; this is the focus of what you will write: “I DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS TO ANYONE ELSE! I ONLY KNOW THAT WHICH MAKES ME HAPPY AND CONTENT MORE TIME THAN NOT. AS I UNDERSTAND THIS ABOUT MYSELF, I ONLY WRITE WHAT I HAVE TO HAVE TO BRING THIS REALITY INTO MY LIFE.” Without any judgment from your own inner “voices,” (remember this is “fantasy,” right?) start listing everything you can think of that resonates with the title and subtitle, referring to them frequently, lest you get sidetracked by your own self doubting or self-critical thinking. Then, you begin to make a list of these “have-to-have’s” clearly remembering to focus on only those traits, behaviors, characteristics, actions and qualities that have importance to you! This written exercise is like a form of stream-of-consciousness. What you are looking for and how you write about it will be quite different than anyone else. This is as it should be; everyone has different wants. There is only one you, unique and special in your very own way. The rest of the written assignment goes like this: • Continue to make your list, one item per line • This is done in one sitting only! Trust the process. • Afterward, take your “wants” pad and put it away in a desk or drawer ... • The "rule" given to me was Let it BE [put away] for three days, without looking it over again or adding anything more. Trust yourself and do not second guess: most likely your want is in there, in one form of a sentence or another. • On the fourth day, review each and every want, then ... With a colored highlighter pen, CIRCLE ONLY those qualities that you have to have and that fulfill the subtext of the exercise. No compromises. = For me personally, what happened as a consequence of doing this exercise: • I got completely and utterly clear about who I was: what I was wanting was not a fantasy. Most wants werel fairly rational. • I understood what I wanted from a relationship. • I had to hold myself responsible to meet these standards too!!!! • I got to understand that the things that weren't highlighted in the assignment were negotiable. • It settled for me that even the most intellectually and/or emotionally available man was not necessarily "datable" just because I wanted “company.” And, that maybe I was dating sometimes to avoid developing myself. • I realized that I could honor each individual person. There were no “wrong” men ... just ones not “right for me.” • I could honor my own choices and be free from comparison. • I could be honest about my intentions right from the beginning and they with me without worry. • This could serve and save both of us unproductive time, choosing not to “waste” their precious time or mine. • The word "potential" is bullshit. • It is not my job OR my right to change anyone else. I could be completely aware of what I was getting into • No more ... "Let's wait and see!!!!" Trust this exercise. Personally, for me it was truly profound. Truth is, none of us really “need” to be in a relationship. We can function without one. However, if you are “looking” ... decide that you (like I) must be clear in thought, word and deed, with no mixed messages or surprises later. Life has a way of delivering challenges anyway. Hopefully, this exercise will give you your own clarity about who you are and who you choose to date or spend a life with. --- After doing this exercise, I returned to my own professional work and creativity with much renewed vigor! I continued to develop my own talents. And, I wanted to answer YES to the question, “Are you the person you want to marry?” After all, it was only fair! I met my beloved Eric four months later! We will be celebrating our 25th anniversary in a year. More importantly, we still on our honeymoon ... no kidding! Recently, while at lunch with a bunch of friends, everyone was talking and asking about the “one thing they would change in their mate.” When I was asked I said, “I would not change one thing about him. I would never want him to be someone else.” This was true in the beginning and it is still true now. I have never felt so independent or privileged. User comments * Answers101: Excellent, well-thought answer! [ x ] » Edit answer » Submit an answer » Send to a friend Find answers about: Home - M Moon - Sign out - Control Panel A compilation of human knowledge and experience ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Home | Help | About us | Privacy policy | Terms of use | Disclaimer | Feedback © 2003-2006 Answerbag | AB4Adults