I am afraid i'm running out of time. I haven't yet solved my trust/sex issues even through intense long-term therapy / being single that whole time (9 years). Tried everything, what now? I can't get those 9 years back....

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• But I don’t WANT to live my life without dating and without sex. Why do I have to go without ever getting to have that, while the rest of the world DOES? Why do my original abusers get to succeed in taking that from me forever? It’s not fair.

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  by Anonymous on October 8th, 2007

• So don't? Personally, I have found that dwelling on abuse never helped. Talking about it a little bit did, but only when talking to someone who helped put it in perspective, and didn't try to make a bigger deal of it than it had to be. What really worked wonders for me was finding my husband, who practically erased those thoughts by replacing them with happy, healthy new ones. He didn't try to, and it wasn't on purpose, but I don't really think about any of it anymore... but it takes knowing yourself, and it takes being willing to just move on... and forget it. That may sound mean, but that's been my experience.

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  by Eltinwe has a life Swan - DYOH on October 8th, 2007

• no, not mean....I guess i wish i *could find* someone like who you found. it doesn't seem likely to happen.

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  by Anonymous on October 8th, 2007

• Part of it is looking in the right places (not bars, as most people seem to do these days) and being patient. With my husband, he was just a friend before either of us became interested in anything else. Healthy friendships are infinitely helpful in developing healthy relationships, too.

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  by Eltinwe has a life Swan - DYOH on October 8th, 2007

• Many excellent comments here. I can only add a little bit. I think anyone suffering from past issues (abuse, divorce, etc.) could benefit from my comments.
  
  It would help you greatly to get to the point where the abuse is no longer the central theme of your existence. Where your identity no longer hinges on your past and you can look forward and outward, instead of backward and inward (compare "Hi. I'm Sally. I'm an abuse victim", to "Hi. I'm Sally. Where would you like to go to dinner?").
  
  It starts with forcing yourself to think about other things, in a positive manner. Talk with yourself about how to live in the future, in the way you want to live. Focus on doing those things that support your vision. If it is to surround yourself with good, supportive people, determine where you would find them. If you like to sing, it could be to join a church choir and concentrate on singing and not on the abuse. Make singing the focus of your life. The abuse will slowly melt into the background. You will also meet people and increase the likelihood of finding someone you have things in common with, which would be a good start to a furure relationship. Also, getting involved in things that aren't "self-focused" will make you a more enjoyable person to be around.
  
  Hope this helps.

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  by fbn on August 3rd, 2011

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• I'm glad you're back KDP.

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  by Doggie S on July 4th, 2008

• Oh thank you much.

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  by killdrphil - reasonable for a madman on July 4th, 2008

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• I think that's a great link. :) I just wondered if there's a specific reason you use that particular one?

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  by Carmella on October 8th, 2007

• Because I know where it is all the time. It's easy to find. You have an alternative suggestion I shall consider updating my link library after formal review thereof! :)

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  by Stableboy on October 8th, 2007

• hehe, I don't actually. I just thought that maybe that was where someone had pointed you to many moons ago, or one of your teachers had written it etc. You generally seem to have reasoning behind everything :)

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  by Carmella on October 8th, 2007

• When I originally found that link, it was preceded by doing some web search for a suitable description. This was the first one I liked, but there may well be other better sites. I stopped the search when I found this one, and haven't bothered to look further! :)

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  by Stableboy on October 8th, 2007

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