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by DorkPangs on October 4th, 2007

DorkPangs

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Help answer this question below.

Hypothetically (although it's been known to have happened), a gay man marries a straight woman, and they're married for five years before he can finally be honest. They have two toddlers. What do you think should happen?

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Answers. 9 helpful answers below.

  • by George Dufferin on October 7th, 2007

    George Dufferin

    Here's the second part of your qestion answered. Sorry I took so long.

    Okay: I am a very liberal man. I count among my friends many people of many stripes. One would expect the woman to be accepting as my friend's wife was--but most women, I am afraid, are not like this. A woman must be sophisticated and compassionate to accept this situation.

    Remember, the woman deserves her own sex life; and also, looking back, she must feel very deceived.

    In the marriage that I refered to above, the couple was older, their children already out of the house, and I suspect that the wife was (is) not very sexual. (though I could be wrong aboout that.)

    She must also calculate her possiblilty of finding someone else, and at her age I imagine that it would not be easy, though she is a very attractive woman.

    I think she was in her late 60s when he came out.

    She must also calculate her own economic cost; and the psychological cost to her children and grandchildren.

    I guess she made all those calculations and decided that the best thing would be to stay with him.

    I like keeping families together. You have two toddlers. They need their Dad. The problem is getting your wife to accept your second life. It is the same problem that any man would have, when he decides to take a mistress or have an affair. -- Acceptance by the spouse can happen, but in the US it is a problem. Not so in Asia and Europe.

    You and your wife are much younger than my friends. You both will have active sex lives. If you stay together she may want to take a lover. Make sure that you can deal with that. It's only fair. A lot depends on how sophisticated she is.

    Divorce is a tragedy for the children and usally a an act of selfishness on the part of the spouses no matter who is at fault.

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  • by George Dufferin on October 4th, 2007

    George Dufferin

    This is what happened to my friend X after thirty-five years of marriage. Something made him confess all. After some ruckus and a year or so of counseling they have stayed together.

    It's seems strange, I know. But they seem to love each other and they laugh and have good times. So?

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  • by Babycakes on October 4th, 2007

    Babycakes

    That is exactly what happened to me and I had 2 kids....what happens?....get divorced.

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  • by Magenta on October 8th, 2007

    Magenta

    There is no easy universal answer, it depends on the specific couple.

    The obvious answer is divorce, live separate lives, and joint custody or visitation. If the wife is devastated by the situation and now hates him for this, then divorce is the best choice.

    But family structures are defined by love, not sex.

    If the two individuals still love one another and wish to live together platonically, a la "Will and Grace", then that is another option.

    In my opinion, that's what's best for the kids- a complete family with both parents in one household.

    They would both still be allowed to date others openly and honestly, just don't bring them to the family home unless it's serious.

    And if it is, they can welcome a new member to the family.

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  • by anonymous on October 7th, 2007

    anonymous

    Here's what happened to me:

    I knew I was gay, but didn't know exactly what that was, when I was 8 or 9. I grew up in a rabidly fundamentalist Christian family and did the thing I hoped would save me from homosexuality, which I'd learned sent people to hell. I got married and had 3 children.

    After years of deep anguish, I came out when I was 35. My children were 9, 4, and 2. We stayed together for a year while I experimented sexually with men. Basically, I was living a double life, and the inner hell was worse than anything I'd experienced before in simple denial.

    I moved out, we divorced, and through the process there was a lot of crying by all of us. It hurt us all deeply.

    After 5 years, I now live completely out of the closet. I have a good relationship with my ex. Most importantly, my kids love me very much, and we do all sorts of things together from homework to walks to days at the beach.

    IMHO, it's not possible to stay together for anybody's best interest. In the long run, it's dishonest, and lying always causes immense pain.

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  • by Martin on July 5th, 2008

    Martin

    It actually happened to me. Although we had only one toddler. My ex was actually pretty understanding. That may have been due to the fact that she has a gay sister. We separated and I began living with my boyfriend and she remarried. We share custody of the child and I believe our relationship is better since I decided to be honest about my sexual identity. I realize I was very fortunate because it could have turned out to be a nightmare.

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  • by LordRahlsFavorite on July 5th, 2008

    LordRahlsFavorite

    They should stay friends, if possible. Try to live near each other so the children have the benefit of both parents. But other than that both should separate and pursue what makes them happy.

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  • by Arisztid on October 7th, 2007

    Arisztid

    First and foremost, what is most important for the children.

    That may be separation, that may be divorce, that may be a platonic relationship with each having, or not having, discreet affairs. I have seen the last work well.

    If divorce is required, not using the child as a bargaining chip, not trying to turn one against the other.

    Well, I guess, my advice would be the same I would give towards any couple that is splitting up:

    Think about the children first, themselves last. They are going to have to think of finances, interactions between the parents and how they affect the children, the trauma of splitting a home or of staying together, depending upon the circumstances, etc.

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  • by Sheriff Raff -Answerhag on October 7th, 2007

    Sheriff Raff -Answerhag

    Divorce. Shared custody of the children. The only person who I know that married a homosexual in complete denial did not have any children with him so the divorce was quick and clean. She is now married to someone else and has two beautiful sons.

    Ask Dina Matos, she is in the same situation basically with just one child.

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