Every time you start to get jealous, imagine how you'll feel if he breaks up with you because of it. That way you condition yourself to stop.

how old is the daughter? you need to stop the rows or you will lose him. his daughter has got to come first but that doesnt mean he doesnt love you. think about it if you had a child and your ex partners wife was acting the same how would it make you feel? i know you must be going through a difficult time. have you tried telling him how you feel?

Without meaning to be rude here, you said in your question, ' ...but I can't help it.' Truth is, dear, this is a literal CHOICE you are making and however unfortunate, find yourself functioning from 'this belief.' Now, another toughy question: how IS '... causing rows and upsets ...' related in any way, shape or form a personal demonstration of the love you feel for your husband? May I assume here, that YOU DO love him? I'd ask you to list all of the wonderful qualities he has that 'allowed' you to not only fall in love with this man but choose to marry him as well! Now look, you KNEW he had a daughter before you married up with him, correct? I can bet that 'his sense of loyalty and family' is but one of the heartfelt reasons you were attracted to him in the first place. Most of us want that in a marriage: a secure and safe 'place to fall.' For that matter, don't you think that your husband wants a home with these characteristics too? It doesn't take even a half of a brain to absolutely know NO ONE would want to come home to 'hell on wheels,' especially when the reason that other person is behaving is absolutely irrational, horrid and frankly, UN-loving!!! I suggest that ALL of you go into Cognitive Behavioral Counseling and Therapy as a family! I would first tell BOTH of them -- your husband, YOUR [now, no kidding] daughter, 'Look, you know what? I have a problem that I seemingly cannot overcome by myself! I take FULL RESPONSIBILITY it is MINE! I have behaved horribly and very inappropriately. Actually, I can't blame either of you for wanting the hell out of my presence! I AM SO SORRY, the disharmony in our home has been caused solely by me! But equal to my 'sorry,' I want to learn HOW TO stop being such a hurtful person, especially to those I love. I have been rude and unfair! I have ALREADY made an appointment TODAY to start seeing a psychologist for myself. I AM that serious, I now know I must tackle this unflattering and harmful behavior. I can only hope that you both, in a separate counsel venue will make the effort for ALL of us to be better human beings. It is THE LEAST we can do to help us grow into not only better human beings, but develop a healthy family!' Need I say more? IT IS YOUR CHOICE! And, more, IF you don't do this, I will help them pack their bags! YOU CAN DO IT!

Talk about it with your husband - explain your feelings and let him explain his - work on the changes you come to terms with - that is all you can do

I'm afraid the person who wrote the above answer has been much too harsh in their response. If the balance is out in the husband's relationship with his daughter, it can make the wife feel very insecure, especially if the husband expects his wife to love the daughter the way he does. You need his understanding - if you aren't getting it, then tell him you need more from him. Perhaps you are taking all the blame when in fact he completely prioritises his daughter over you and you feel sidelined. Don't negate your own feelings - they are valid and as long as you are kind to his daughter and try to look after her kind-of as if she were your own, you are doing ok. I have been there and my husband made some adjustments & began putting me first some of the time. It has made all the difference. Just ask yourself if you have truly accepted this daughter in your life - if you can stop fighting against it, and stop beating yourself up, you will begin to feel better and less likely to 'cause' upsets and rows. Remember that it takes two to have a row. He needs to understand you and you need to remain calm. Good luck.

Let me guess the daughter is daddy's little girl and gets absolutely spoiled with attention.Does he treat you any differently than her. You also have to understand where he is coming from too. He is probably one of the few men who actually values family and puts their blood first, which is how it should be in some ways. You can't expect him to turn his back on his own kin. Sounds like he is not such a bad guy. If it is the matter of attention that drives you crazy and you feel like he is not giving you the same as he is to his daughter, then you need to tell him that you need that to make your relationship work. You probably both need to come to some sort of compromise in order for it to work and try not to get so jealous.

Hi Tanya, You are a stepmom in a common situation. I have read previous answers to your question. In my opinion, those who wrote before: are lacking understanding of your situation. Answers are not all balanced, or cover all of the topic. The stupidest answer to your question is to say to control yourself and that you knew it when you married him. And they do not hesitate to capitalize their text to make a point that is useless and irrelavant. Pooh. Haha. Every time I hear that (and it is said by many people who have no idea what they are talking about), I realize how narrow-minded people are; and how lacking in insight. She is 18, you said? So, I will summarize from my experience: - 1. Lots of stepmothers feel insecure about husband's kids. - 2. Lots of women feel insecure about a possible 'otehr women' in their husband's life - 3. When the husband has a teenage daughter you have got situation 1+2 together. That is double hard to cope with. Or four times hard.. You are feeling jealous, naturally, as a woman. And you are feeling ashamed because you blame yourself for feeling jealous; you feel ridiculous for being jealous. Afterall it is his daughter. Am I right? Well, first lesson to you: do not feel ashamed or ridiculous. It is logical. AND you may have reason to feel jealous. Check your instinct, and check their behaviour together. Children regard a step-mom as a rival to the father's attention anyway. As a step daughter reaches adulthood (during teenage years already) she may be just feeling this rivalry in a new angle as woman-to-woman. THAT feeling can come out from her behaviour - unintentionally. I repeat, unintentionally..!! The daughter may flirt with her dad and some of their behaviour together, can seem like incestuous. It can look weird, and you can feel upset. There are four things for you to do: 1. Do not be upset with yourself for being upset:) Accept it that as a woman you are being born with jealousy 2. Make a soft opening in the conversation, and hint to your husband that perhaps his daughter is not a little girl anymore, and is physically changing. So he might need to change some of his 'old' behaviour'.. i.e. No sitting on the lap, stroking the back under the shirt, or kissing on the lips etc. 3. If you see something they do that is not acceptable, just say casually, 'hey what was that you doing' .. or 'well isn't that enough of that' or just 'hey knock it off.' You will have to work at it, to be casual and not show how upset you are. 4. Take a walk and calm yourself down. Repeat number 4 aas many times as you need. Step-moom authors Norwood and Wingender says that: "you need to seperate your emotions form the facts when you are jealous about his kids." fact = she is his daughter, you are the wife/partner emotion= jealousy. 5. Think about No.4 and take a walk to gather yourself and look at the bright side. 6. Know within Yourself, that you can handle it. Lania

you and your husband need to go out to a nice dinner and have a heart to heart talk;if you love him you have to love his kids; the prombles today is we can" have a man to oursef anymore put god first and HE will show you how to handle it believe me i hade to do it.