• Two men walk into a bar - the third one ducks.
  • See Dick run. Run Dick run! Em....don't you think you oughta' have a doctor look at that?
  • Two chimpanzees and an elephant walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "Oh, sorry. We don't serve elephants here. -to which the chimps reply, "That's okay. We've already got one!"
  • A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head! But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out! The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms popped out! The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair. By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out. The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over. The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
  • A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer he should try artificial insemination...that he needs to impregnate the pigs himself. The farmer is confused by the instruction but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up, thinks on the matter, and concludes that if he has to impregnate the pigs himself, to make his farm work, then he has to, and he'd best get on with it! So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, reluctantly does what he thinks necessary to make his farm work, and brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes up and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, gives it to each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls exhausted into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out the window and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
    • beaker95
  • hahaha. the horse replies "This is my horse face."
  • No! Wait, yes! I'm sorry, what was the question?

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