ANSWERS: 3
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  • Great question. I am not sure that I can answer it well. To start, when I was younger - like a high school and college student - the sex was for me mostly about how I felt. It is not that I did not want the girl to enjoy it, but honestly, I was probably thinking more about my pleasure than her's. Later, I began to realize that my pleasure was more tied to her's and I became more focused on pleasing her. Also, when I was younger, I was much more adventurous. I traveled to Europe and visited the red light districts in Amsterdam and Hamburg. (I also went to a sex club/bar in Amsterdam where there was "audience participation" in the show.) I was into casual sex in a way that I am not now. When I got with my current gf, and there was much that happened to me between my first sexual experience at age 16 and when I met my gf, we focused on sex together more. We did "wild things" - I had a homosexual relationship for a couple of months because my gf thought it was a turn-on, we had sex with another couple - though we each stayed with our own partners, it was more like sex in the same room with another couple. We skinny dipped and had sex at a secluded hotel pool in the Caribbean, Then, as time wore on, we became less exotic. We still do stuff - sex in our backyard, for example, or on a beach while on vacation, while hiking - but it is just us. (One big exception: About 6 years ago, for my birthday, my gf had a prostitute come to our house just for me. I about fell over. I had been talking about how I was getting to be an old man - mostly as a joke as I was not that old. (My 30s.) My gf got the idea that sex with another woman would make me feel younger and more virile. It was sweet in its way, but I was stunned, frankly. I felt bad that I had made her think that sex with her was not making me feel young - like it wasn't good enough or something. I told her that really, all I wanted was sex with her, but she was sweet. She said that she understood that men had needs and that she loved me and wanted me to have this experience. Here is where maybe my older years come into play. I actually resisted it for about a month. (My gf - I don't even want to know how - arranged to prepay a call girl who would come to the house when we set a date.) The young me probably would have jumped at it. In this case, though, I dragged my feet for a while and my gf and I even had something of an argument about it. Finally, though, seeing that it meant something to her to give me this gift, I relented. It was a strange experience in a way. My gf had just had our second child, The gal came over after we had put my older son to bed. My gf stayed down stairs, watched television, breast fed our son and basically occupied herself while I went upstairs with a prostitute, got naked and had sex with her from about 9 till midnight. (I said when she got dressed to leave - "Should I tip you?" Her reply was classic - "No honey, your wife" - she thought we were married I guess - "took care of everything." Never thought I would hear that from a prostitute.) Another weird moment: As I am laying in bed, sexually quite satisfied and drifting off to sleep, I can hear my gf saying to the prostitute as she let's her out the front door, "Thanks for coming." Strange. Sorry for the digression, but I told my gf later that I only wanted her and that while I appreciated what she did, that I would have been twice as happy spending a night with her. I said to her, honestly, that I am not sure that I could ever do the same for her. Bottom line, we still like a spicy sex life, but as I have gotten older - and as I have become a daddy - it has become more about sharing than enjoying. I love my gf with all my heart. We have a great sex life - and in our early 40s we both have a strong sex drive. It also helps that my gf believes that she should always be available for sex whenever I "need" it. (Her word. Truth be told, like all men, I do need sex, but it is not like I would die if I didn't get it.) I basically can have sex on demand, but here again, the difference between my youth and now. Now, while my gf has basically allowed me to use her body for my pleasure - I now try to make sure that she wants sex too. Grant that, sometimes, I am probably less sensitive to her needs than I could be. I guess that sums it up. Like I said, now sex is about sharing and not selfishness. It is about my love for the most beautiful woman - physically and personally - I have ever known. Once sex was about fun and pleasure, now it is about my gf and love. Sorry for the very long answer. I hope it helped.
    • officegirl
      Thank you for a very candid answer. As usual. What prompted this question was thinking about how much I have changed over the years and how much I am the same. Not just in bed but in all my life. I have had what I guess I now think of as a second adolescence since menopause and I learned to enjoy things I never would have even considered for myself when I was young. Or did not even know about. OK I guess I knew about them but did not know anybody who was doing them so they were distant to me. Like anal and group stuff and multiple men and DP and being paid. My poor husband had to enter the picture in the middle of all this and is just amazing at all he has put up with from me. Which is part of why I will always love him. Of course I have had to put up with some things from him as well. But I am thinking the basic ways I want to be approached and treated and made love to are the same as when I was 16 years old on the couch at parties in Northern New Jersey. Because though I am well off and with a good job and a good husband and generally intelligent and a lover of the arts and somewhat sophisticated in the ways of the world as well as religious I am also still the girl looking for love and approval and wanting to feel good about herself. That hasn't changed. Too bad we can't write in paragraphs because it makes my writing look like my talking. I have more years to look back on if I choose to but you are starting to get up there! I don't regard sex as a "need" but as a desire. We can live without it after all but who would want to? Oh what is wrong with marriage?
  • Sorry to be so late in replying to your remarks. I agree, by the way, it would be nice if we could write in paragraphs and it would be nice if the site could notify us when we get a "comment." (Hence why I wrote this as an "Answer" so that you would be sure to see it.) I agree that one of the advantages of being older is that we know more. The sex is both more adventurous and richer. It can be both more wild and more emotionally fulfilling. It was not till I got older that sex - even things like threesomes - became more about us and less about me, and was better for it. My gf and I are a little younger than you, but in a sense you have some advantages on us. You were also lucky to find a husband who understood your sexual desires and loved you enough to be comfortable with them - and if I understand you sometime join in. You say he is more conservative, but I'll bet he thinks of those experiences fondly. As for needs versus desire. My gf refers more to my "sexual needs" than I do. I think you are closer to the mark - desire. However, she points out to me that there is data to show that men who don't get sex tend to be more depressed, get sicker more often, tend to stress more easily and actually die younger. (That's evolution and natural selection at work, I guess.) My gf genuinely believes that I have sexual needs that if satisfied will keep me happy and healthy longer. Interestingly, she applies desires to herself. (I will ask her sometime where the distinction is in her mind. It IS true that women who don't have sex tend not to be as badly impacted by it as men are. Though the difference is statistically not large. Not insignificant, but not gigantic either.) As to marriage, we have nothing against it for others but we didn't want it for ourselves. (In fact, I will probably flip out if my daughter does what I and her mother have done. Hypocrisy? You bet. I'm a daddy. "C'mon over here, son, and let's talk about your intentions toward my daughter while I clean my guns." P.S. I don't actually own a gun.) However, my gf and I both just want our relationship to be about us. Elemental and natural. Not about a wedding or a ring or a marriage license. We didn't need a wedding and we want it to be about us as we would be in nature. Not us in an institution. Even if it is an institution that we agree is good and in many ways beautiful. However, what I have with my gf is that sense that all we have is each other. No net - legal or religious (and by the way, we do attend church, perhaps ironically - a whole other story) - just two people who love each other in the most natural and spontaneous way. I am sure that sounds very "granola." It does to us too, in a way, but my gf and I are happy as just the two of us. A man and a woman, lovers and parents, in a sort of natural way. No artifice, just nature. I know. Could we be more sappy? We do talk, though less and less than we used to, about tying the knot. Our parents were not wild about our "arrangement" - and her dad positively flipped out and it took a while for things to settle. It helps that we gave him three grandchildren. (Still, want to know what his first question to us was when we announced we were expecting the first time? "So will you be getting married now?" No surprise there. He handled it...well...okay....when we told him no.) Anyhow, we have been through so much and love each other so deeply, I don't plan - and my gf does not plan - to change what has worked so well for us. Hope that explains it.
    • officegirl
      Very interesting , thank you. No time to reply (comment ) now but I must make a note to.
    • officegirl
      Had things been different for me I think I could have been happy with just one man and sharing everything and working together and family and everything. But the way my life went I just learned another way which became part of me - the way I am. Basically sex validated me as a person and as a woman. The same way that marriage now does for me. If it is a personal weakness that I want other men then I guess I constructed a possible world for myself around that where it became not just a desire but in all respects my "right" as well. My husband is a wonderful kind man, though very straight-laced. Who has been so wonderfully understanding about my weaknesses that I could just kiss him and cry. Together I hardly think of other men. But then I know I have learned to relate to men primarily through having sex with them. Which I think should not be necessary as much as it has been though I enjoy it and am used to it. When I am very occupied with things like work and husband and interests and fund-raising I am OK. But falling back on myself without them I get antsy and begin to feel OK I am nothing without a man having sex with me.
    • dorat
      Well, words from a stranger over the Internet are not apt to change a lifetime's worth of experiences, but I have read your stuff. While you do seem to get a little vexed every now and then, in general I have found your comments thoughtful, humane, and insightful. You don't get that from being nothing. It takes wisdom and depth of intellect and a certain level of compassion and empathy. There is a lot to you. That said, for what it is worth, I understand what you mean. There is a part of me that feels validated by sex. I need it to feel like I am what a man should be. I need it to feel like I can express myself. I need it to feel loved and lovable. I do need it in that sense. There is nothing wrong with that - it is part of who we are, after all. I happen to be with a loving wonderful girl who enjoys sex and also has an old fashioned sense of a man's sexual wants and needs. So, it works. Sex for us BOTH affirms our love and it also satisfies our more animalistic instincts. (That is why, every now and again, we are a little bit more libertine in our sexual practices. Though as I say, that is less and less so as time has worn on - and particularly since we have become parents.) In that it is not unlike your relationship with your own husband, except perhaps that my gf is more comfortable with it. For my part, I just learned - after a really bad experience - to realize that my gf could make me happier and fulfill my sense of worth than I could ever get from sex alone. Long way around, I have said it before and I will say it again. Someone sold you a bill of goods about yourself. I don't always agree with you, but there is a richness and complexity - and self-awareness - about your thinking that is exceedingly rare and very refreshing. All I can say is, your husband is very lucky to have you. His being married to you does not make you something. He has you because you ARE something. I wish you all the happiness you both deserve.
    • officegirl
      How very nice - thank you for such good wishes. We enjoy each other's company whether or not we are having sex.
  • When I was younger, I needed sex to feel liked and wanted. Now I need it for love. I was a nerdy and extremely shy girl in high school. I have a petite body and very small breasts, dressed very plain and kept to myself. I didn't think guys were really into me at all. When I went to college it was like a fresh start. I started dressing the way I wanted to, got a new hair style, and became very sexually active. All of a sudden I was receiving a lot of attention from guys. I loved it and it made me feel so good about myself to be desired and have so many guys that wanted to sleep with me. Now for me, sex is so much more about the love that I feel for my partner. Physically, the sex in my marriage is great, but the love that I feel for my husband is unlike anything I had felt before with past partners.
    • officegirl
      Thank you!

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