ANSWERS: 18
  • You should stay out of it. Your daughter needs to tell her Father how she feels.
  • All you can do is reinforce that your daughter is important to him or else he would not have fought to have that time with her. He may not be making the best use of the time, but maybe if she can write a letter to her dad, using her words not yours expressing how she wishes she could spend more time with him during their visits, he might notice what he's doing. If its coming from you, he may think that you are feeding the information to her. It may take some time for him to realize what he's doing. A friend of mine is going through this with her son, and her ex is finally (after 4 years) realizing what he was missing and is taking full advantage of his days. This is your opportunity to take her feelings and place them above your own. Even though they may justify the terrible man that he is, he is still the father of your daughter and she should make her own mind up about the kind of man her father is.
  • Encourage her to go, of course her father loves her and wants to spend time with her. All youngsters have unrealistic expectations of what their parents should and should not do to keep them happy.
  • You could speak to her father and explain how she is feeling. Not as a critisism, but because he may not realise how she feels. Or, if she is mature enough, suggest she speaks to him. As long as you are reasonably sure how he will react, and it will be a positive exercise. My Dad was exactly the same, we no longer speak at all.
  • Well, that is difficult, but like the above comments suggested, I am sure he wants to spend the time with her. The problem is most likely he doesn't know how. You could suggest to him some things she might look forward to on her visit with him. For instance, what she might enjoy....whether it be roller skating or going to a movie. Maybe you could ask her what she would like to do with her Dad and then mention it to him. He might be grateful for the help. After all, he is a man dealing with a young woman and might just be hiding behind his fear of "What do I do????? Work in the yard? Fix something....etc" And she is young and unable to really express her frustration. So, a long answer to a short question, but perhaps more communication, even if you are the in between person, might help.
  • I agree with the posters who say something should be said to the father. You are the best judge as to which would be more effective: having her speak to him, or doing so yourself. However, I disagree with the prevailing opinion that he obviously wants to spend time with her. That's not necessarily true -- my father did not want to spend time with me. He merely wanted to take the time away from my mother (petty, I know). My mom encouraged me to bring things with me that were fun to do (he lived in another state, so I was there for long periods of time). She also suggested things that he and I could do that would be fun for him. In all cases, she was supportive and loving of me, so I always felt valued by her, if not by him. I hope the man in your story is not like the man in mine. If he is, I know that's a very difficult situation to be in. Whether he is or not, however, he needs to understand that this time is important to your daughter, and that he is hurting her feelings by not putting her first. If he is any kind of man, he will want to keep a good relationship with his daughter so that she will want to continue to see him. Good luck!
  • Listen to your 11 year old. If her dad doesn't pay attention to her, you ought to be a good mother and talk to her dad about either him giving up custody or making sure he spends time with her.
  • Okay, one: don't type in all caps, it freaks people out and makes people, like me, think that you're crazy. Two: Just don't force her to go visit her dad... Why did you divorce in the first place? I swear, it just tears things apart if you have children...
  • this is very important! Dad should wake up to his responsibilities as a Dad. He brought a girl into this world and he must take care of her. Girls need Dads!. There's a book with a title similar to Grils need Dads. Get it and send it to him. It's really important. I am sad for your daughter.
  • Plead with him. Compromise on some issue that's important to him . Bribe him. Your daughter must know that her Dad loves her. Beg him. Do what ever it takes to get them together. It's probably hard for him too. Your daughter may blame him for the break-up. Make sure that she knows that it was really mutual no matter what the truth was. Your daughter may play a part in this too. She may act in an unpleasant way while she is with him. Work on that too. This is so important, that you should make an all out effort to brighten the situation for all involved.
  • My 16 year old daughter recently got her DL and a car and I hardly see her now, we spent great times together and I didnt always do as she wanted, I refused to be a weekend Santa Clause. I remaind her Dad (not just Father). She sent me a text at 12:10 am wishing me a Happy Daddy Day, made me cry a little. I agree, she needs to express herself with minimal interference from you.
  • Actually you have to be careful in this situation. While most people's gut instinct is to allow the daughter to have some control since she's the one in the situation not sending her to her dad's house at scheduled times could look bad to the court that has set up the guidelines. It might even look like you are interferring with his visitation. Does the dad live close enough to your house and her friends that if she has plans she could still do them from his house? If not and he is not willing to work things out maybe the court needs to revisit the issue now that she's older and has more social plans because it's only going to get worse as she gets old enough to go to camp, get summer jobs, and stuff like that. Until then I would try to get her to not make plans when it is his time (as much as is feasibly possible). I assume these visits are scheduled so other than people not being able to change dates of b-days, etc it should be able to be worked out. It does suck that he doesn't spend time with her, since the point of the visitation is to visit him he should be there when she comes.
  • If your daughter doesn't want to see her father then don't force the issue. Your daughter will only think that you are adding to her misery by allowing her father to hurt her. I know, be cause I am facing the same problem with my 11 year old daughter. Her father left her a voice mail saying he no longer wishes to persue visitation with her because she didn't spend time with him when he went to see her win an award at school. So he dumped all her belongings she kept at his house onto my driveway for her to see that he was done with her. She is so hurt by all this and now hates her father even more. Her father never does anything with her when she would go there to visit and has always told her that more then just his weekend visitation was to much responsibility. How do I tell my daughter that her father loves her when he does stuff like that? I try to say that he loves her then he dumps all her stuff on my driveway breaking all her dollhouse furniture she worked so hard to make and purchase. How do I tell her he loves her when he does that. She hates him more then ever now and I have to agree with her. Since he called and left her the message that says he no longer wishes to see her I will have to agree that is in her best interest. As petty as that may be on his part, Her not spending enough time with him at a school award ceremony, come on, grow up. She could say the same thing when she goes to visit him, guess he doesn't like his own medicine now he knows how she feels when she goes to visit him. I want to seek options for her to sever all ties with him or even get her an attorney to divorce him legally, can I do that, is that to harsh...?? I need help in deciding this, not sure what to do. Do I wait for him to come around "AGAIN" he's done this before (he's bi-polar) or do I protect my daughter so she doesn't get hurt by her father ever again. I've asked her how she would feel if her father wasn't in her life and by no surprise she said she wished she didn't have a father. He's done so much over the years to hurt her and this was the icing on the cake, she will never forgive him for this one.
  • I think, from experiance, that if the dad does not want to visit according to the rules and you have made every effort to accomodate him, then it is on him. I have 2 kids from my x they were 2 & 5 when he decided to become a terrible dad. He was an awesome dad and now... my kids are now 18 and 15, he has in these years has not done any better. I am sad as a mom, but also as a child of a broken home i never lied to my kids. I have always been honest. My mother tried to hide my dad's un-fatherly ways so i blamed her...we lost (my mother & i) so much time because of my anger towards her because i blamed her it wasn't until i was 15...16 that i realized it was his fault. I have tried with my x and my kids, he does what he wants when he wants for the most part it only when he is alone. He has done ulgy things to my girls...does not want to take my advise as the mom, and has always tried to only speak to them....(that is after the 5 years of abandoment)he asked them and spoke to them and not me as the mom. That was not the right thing to do and left my kids confused. The refused to go with him after he did things to them and said ulgy stuff to them, and i did not force them. They are better for it, but like i said I NEVER hid anything... he was mean and rude i tried to smooth over things but for the most part i did not hide stuff. When he refused to come by i told them, when he would not help pay for meds i told them, when he refused... i told them. They are great girls no boy trouble, a's and b's, after school stuff, no boy trouble, collage bound...ambitious, smart and they don't miss him he laid the ground for what he has....he has not seen them in over a year, i invited him to a party, and another celebration for the girls (this year2008), and he would not come. This was due to a disagreement they had back in 2006. Because they won't meet him when he wants them to he punishes them by not coming around when they need or want him to. They are busy the stuff they are to busy doing is not partying or dating or playing with friends, its school work...its for their education, its in efforts to get smarter than mama! So if he is not the dad... the grown up... there is not much you can do...i have cried for 13 years and i still cry...but now i cry because he missed it....he missed it, i didn't so be the good mom that you are, teach your daughter to be a great woman, maybe one day she will forgive him, I hope one day my daughters forgive him. But with all my heart i am glad they love me, and we have not lost minutes like i did with my mom because i blamed her. Let her see for herself, be honest, just don't add on more negativity.
  • He needs to know that once she reaches a certain age (12 here in Alabama) your daughter can opt not to see him at all. While he is, for lack of better words, playing these games whit her she could be deciding that she wants nothing else to do with him. What will he do when his little girl decides she wants nothing to do with him? I watched my little sister go through the same thing with her dad. he would come get her every weekend, but instead of staying at his home with her he would leave her under the care of his mom and g o out and do his own thing all weekend. at 12 years old she looked him in the eyes and told him that she wants nothing more to do with him.
  • Dont force your daughter to spend time with him if he doesnt want to spend time with her. All that is doing is causing pain for her. My father did the same thing to me and I made the decision not to go with him when I was supposed to and my mother never made me go if I didnt want to. She is better off with you knowing you love her and care for her.
  • Listen to DR. Laura....if you say anything, he will accuse you of turning her on him...let her tell him herself..."DAD, I don't want to come over, when ya got time call me." she probably realizes(kids are people too) she spends her time "alone" when she is there and would much rather be "alone" at home.... she is not the one that is supposed to be "making time" , HE IS...... i would tell him "she is having issues about visitation" and then let them work it out..your daughter has a RIGHT to express herself and feelings, to just say NO, I would rather stay home.... Dr.Laura.com.....
  • HI. I am 16 and I had a very hard time going through my parents divorce. It has been 5 years since they split. Which made me 11 at the time. I very seldom speak to my dad. He is still with the woman that broke up my family. I still hate him for what he did to my family and things he said to me. It still hurts to this day. I do not know your situation but I suggest you do not push your daughter to see him. I was forced into seeing my father and I cried all the time and it made me hate him more. Once again I don't know your situation but if she doesn't want to go then don't push her. From someone that has experience in this, it's not a good idea. If she wants to have a relationship with him then she can have it on her terms. Hope I could help...

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