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by Laurie on July 7th, 2007

Laurie

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Everytime me and my boyfriend have a fight i try to talk to him about it, I tell him how i feel but he doesnt say anything back..He says he doesnt know what to say or he feels like i'll just get more upset if he answers. I dont know what to do about this.

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Answers. 22 helpful answers below.

  • by killdrphil - reasonable for a madman on August 29th, 2007

    killdrphil - reasonable for a madman

    You need to be very direct about your feelings and listen to yourself talk. I'm not bashing women, but, a lot of them get emotional and what comes out of their mouth isn't at all what they are feeling. It's insanity. You just need to be direct. Men understand a direct, simple way of expressing things.

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  • by Sin Binned on August 29th, 2007

    Sin Binned

    give him time, He is honest at least when saying he doesn’t know what to say, give it time and then ask him to think about it and tell him you expect of him to talk about your problems otherwise the relationship is senseless due to a lack of communication from his side. He has to work on his communication skills. Good Luck ;-)

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  • by fancypantslance on April 29th, 2009

    fancypantslance

    most guys dont express ther feelings because ther afraid people might call them gay are a momas boy the only time we express our feelings its physically just tell him its alright.

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  • by tomsims on July 7th, 2007

    tomsims

    The two of you need to learn the art of fighting fair. In every relationship, there are two individuals with different patterns of anger and conflict resolution, You have to know yourselves and each other. You are actually speaking two different languages and must learn to speak a common language and have a set of "rules" for resolving conflict that meet each others' needs and help you come to resolution constructively. There are books written on the subject and I always devote about two sessions to it in premarital counseling.

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  • by Sheriff Raff -Answerhag on July 7th, 2007

    Sheriff Raff -Answerhag

    I suppose he doesn't want to tell any lies so he feels silence might be the best way out.

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  • by Meg on April 11th, 2009

    Meg

    I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL! I don't know how to answer this because my boyfriend is exactly the same way! when I have something I need to discuss, he starts doing something else to avoid talking. It makes me soooo frustrated, like I'm going to cry if I don't tell him what I want to say. I don't know what he's afraid of either. Let me know how it goes!

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  • by luvinlife20 on December 12th, 2007

    luvinlife20

    communication is one of the biggest things in a relationship. if you two cannot talk about the issues than how will the relationship get any better?

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  • by Need Advice? on October 19th, 2009

    Need Advice?

    You need to find a time when you are not fighting and talk about how you should resolve your arguments. It's not a good sign if you two can't communicate but you need to figure this out when you are not actually in an argument or fighting mode.

    Need more advice? Send me an email needadvicek@gmail.com

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  • by koldkanuck on December 4th, 2007

    koldkanuck

    He is a smart dude,there is no good answer for a man to say after a tiff, laurie.
    it can serve no useful purpose just kiss and make up.Life goes on.

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  • by livliv on May 25th, 2009

    livliv

    think about it.. you wont be able to spend the rest of your life with him if you are young and fighting.. if you are fighting 2-4 days a ewek.. work it out .. think of things to do for next time resolving things, until you are doing the right thing and he isnt changing.. and if you are fighting 6-7 days a week. just end the relationship .. it will be hardd. but do it for the best.. the longer together the harder .. everyday counts :) and everyday is a memory because you are with them :) - make the right choice.. follow your heart !:)

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  • by ally on May 6th, 2009

    ally

    well if the guy ani't answering dump his ass.guys dont really like to tell how they feel.its normal.but tell him that he needs to exspress himself.ok

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  • by Jane on December 4th, 2007

    Jane

    OH MY GOD, that is EXACTLY like my boyfriend and me except that I am the one who doesnt talk and doesnt know what to say and fears HE will get mad at me...I dont know what to do about people like us....good luck, wish me luck too, lol

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  • by Bartman on August 29th, 2007

    Bartman

    Stop pushing him away. When he is ready to be serious he will tell you. Be proud that you got a BF who does not want to make any false promises girl!

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  • by buxtonite ..slowly losing my mind on August 29th, 2007

    buxtonite ..slowly losing my mind

    thats the problem ... you talking ...leave it if the fights finished leave the bloody thing alone ... but no you can't because females can't leave well enough alone they have to talk .. when most of the time its silence that fixes the problems and NOT a "3 hours of disection" session of whats already been said ... and he is right because if he does say something its going to start all over again ...he knows it and you know it so why press the point

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  • by unknown on July 7th, 2007

    unknown

    I suggest you drop it and let him bring it up when he's ready to discuss it. Nagging him to talk it all out won't work. In fact, it will just push him farther away. It may not be easy to let him decide when he's ready but you will get a lot more accomplished if you do.

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  • by Tadek on July 7th, 2007

    Tadek

    I know how it feels from the other side... When you are tired or having a nervous time, it is easy to ignite a fight. But then I don't want to be offensive, so when anger is still there, I just remain silent.

    The best way to get out of this is:
    1) wait a couple of minutes to get calm
    2) smile...
    3) try to put yourself in his shoes
    4) talk about everything, openly, calmly, with a smile. Remember, your goal is communication, not fight and getting along with him, not making him surrender. It's peace, not war. Good luck!

    :-)

    T.

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  • by DA BEN DAN yanggui zi on August 29th, 2007

    DA BEN DAN yanggui zi

    It's pretty hard to have a good base on a relationship where there is no communication. Maybe that explains why you fight.

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  • by Meadow Larke on November 29th, 2007

    Meadow Larke

    Let him know that a relationship is two-sided. If you express yourself, than he needs to find a way to do it too. At the beginning of mine and my husband's relationship, he'd close up too. I told him, "We were never going to work if he couldn't talk to me." I gave him time to cope and adjust, but I made it clear how I felt.

    I didn't get angry just because he didn't know how to word his feelings like I did, we are different people. We had to learn how to talk and listen to each other.

    *Always remember, everyone has their own instruction booklet on how they like to be treated. We all were raised differently and we need to keep that in the back of our minds. Respect that when you're in a relationship, or you two will continue to butt your hard-heads into a separation.

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  • by Shelly on December 4th, 2007

    Shelly

    My boyfriend used to do this too. I hated it. I used to give him an ultimatum and tell him I needed answers and if he didn't help me get them then we were going to have to go our separate ways because I was not going to live a one sided relationship. We have been together almost 3 years now. He speaks his mind and we have good conversations. Sometimes when he is really mad he won't talk but that does not last for long and we always tell each other we are sorry no matter who was right or wrong. I am glad that he finally opened up. I hope things work our for you.

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  • by shayla on December 4th, 2007

    shayla

    gurl you want my advice how long you have been with him? And to answer your question you need to let know that he aint the only one for girl you need to put him down to a baby level and make him understand and after that act like you sorry go on him and say you sorrry then start kissing on him and make him in the mood to have sex in thats all he need always make him feel like he the right one DONT BE DISRESPECTFUL OR HELL SLAP MAKE HIM FEEL GOOD KISS HIM FEEL ON HIM THEN THAT ILL BE OKEAY!!!!!!!!!

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  • by Persky Bunkermeister on November 29th, 2007

    Persky Bunkermeister

    Not all people communicate the way *you*'d like them to. Many people "can't come up with the words" to describe their feelings -- maybe they didn't grow up in a family that communicated like that -- or maybe they're just not comfortable communicating that way. There's a "vulnerability" issue here he's already told you: he's worried about how you'll react to what he says -- maybe because that was the history in his family, or maybe because that's his history with you.

    It doesn't really matter where it comes from -- if communication is important to you, than you have to be patient with him, and figure out a way to motivate him to want to communicate your way. It could takes years, and even good teachers could fail at this -- so you have your work cut out for you. Learn how to be a good teacher first -- then start teaching.

    You might be surprised -- you might find that over time you and him both change to some "middle of the road point" that works well enough for both of you. It sounds to me that you take this more seriously than he does -- so maybe a little less seriousness from you is the best way to start tuning these conflicts. Maybe you just have to accept that some conflicts are going to die out like slow fires -- and best just to let the embers die out that way rather then stir them up again.

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  • by Jewel on July 7th, 2007

    Jewel

    That must be very frustrating for you.
    Does he EVER tell you how he feels, like having a sporadic outburst that makes no sense to you, but it feels like you just got gut punched? Or during dinner he says something that you don't like, but might be him telling you how he is feeling?
    A good relationship is based on good communication. If you two aren't communicating, you may need to see a counselor who can help your boyfriend learn to express himself, and help you learn to express yourself without anger.

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